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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Showcase: SF/F Short Stories:
Warrior's Geste Part I
Warrior's Geste Part I
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Posted By:  Trey Oct 24, 2003 - 04:45 pm |       | More will come. Naram Sin will be in the next part of the war which will be a seige of a human city by Orcs. I plan some magical warfare during that part. Plus there are large chunks of the book that you are not getting at the moment. I have 30,000 plus words down and plenty more in my head, just need the time to write them down. Currently I have a wonderful distraction named Elli who takes up a great deal of my time. Have a look:
http://www.pbase.com/rickwick/elli
| Posted By: Trey Oct 24, 2003 - 04:49 pm | | A tidbit from the lead in to the siege:
Legatus Lucius Sempronius Cicero stared at the man standing before him. He had obviously been riding long and hard though the dirt of the road did not make him look any older than his fifteen years. He stood straight and tall before his Legion’s leader and Cicero felt no little amount of pride that young men such as this served the Empire under his command.
“Report Legionnaire,” Cicero gave him his undivided attention.
“Sir,” the young Legionnaire stood at ridged attention, “The Orcs have taken the garrison at Cottiae pass.”
Cicero sat back with a sigh, “what of Centurion Brennus?”
“Sir, I do not know what happened on the battlefield, only that Centurion Mathos came back to the garrison and said that all was lost. He sent those of us who had been left at the garrison to warn the surrounding settlements and to bring the news to you.”
“You have done well son,” Cicero came from around his desk and placed his arm around the young man, “go now and get something to eat. I will take care of things now and never fear, we will avenge our own.”
As Cicero showed the young Legionnaire out of his office he saw that two other haggard riders were waiting to see him. The camp Praefectus was speaking to them and turned when the Legatus entered the room.
“Sir,” the grim faced man reported,” the Penninae and Maritimae passes each report huge losses. What is left of the Cohortes are retreating to this position.”
Cicero looked equally grim as he considered this information. “Praefectus, have all Centurions meet in the model room. You gentlemen go and get some food in you and then rest, for you will be needed before long.” The last he said to the three messengers who had brought such disheartening news.
Cicero made his way to the model room where a large model of the Rhaetian Istaevon border was laid out on a table. The Dark Peaks rose up off the table in perfect detail. Each of the three passes, Penninae, Cottiae and Maritimae, were shown with their respective garrisons marked. Each of the garrisons had three blue squares marking the locations of the legions Cohorts.
Without a word, Cicero used one of the long staffs with the small wooden blade mounted on the end to pull the nine markers off the map and place them in the drawers under the table where other blocks of many different colors and shapes were stored.
The Centurions of his last Cohort filed in as he places a single red block at each of the garrisons to symbolize their new occupants. Before speaking he used the staff to move the markers for the three Legions coming to reinforce the border a little closer. At the normal rate of travel for a Legion, they would be there in twelve days. If the Orcs did not dawdle they could be at the gates of Pisidia in less than three.
Looking up from the model he caught the eyes of his Centurions. “Men, prepare for siege.”
| Posted By: Bmat Oct 24, 2003 - 08:38 pm | | Thank you for sharing the pictures. How beautiful!
| Posted By: joreid Oct 25, 2003 - 02:35 am | | Trey,
This was really interesting and well done. It drew me in. In general, when you work on the rewrite, try compressing the images. Here's a rough example. [[SUGGESTED DELETE]]
BTW, nice web site you have.
Naram Sin walked into the Orc city [[. He walked]] in the middle of the dirt road [[and entered the city]] through the gap in the walls of logs with sharpened tips. [[It was a large city by Orc standards and the walls were patrolled by armored Orcs that walked a raised platform on the inside of the walls.]] Several Orcs stood near the gap, watching as the human ENTERED [[walked into their city.]] [[Orc]] archers held their bows with arrows nocked but NOT DRAWN [[did not draw.]] They were confident that this lone human was not an immediate threat. If they had known just who HE [[it]] was that so confidently entered their walls, they would have been much more nervous.
Try reading it out loud. That helps me a lot when rewriting.
Joreid
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| Posted By: Trey Oct 25, 2003 - 07:11 am | | Joreid,
Thanks for the input, some of your suggestions are already worked in. On the first pass I tend to focus on getting the idea down and then polish later. Here is the current version of the paragraph above.
Naram Sin walked into Mochica, the capital city of the Orc nation, down the middle of a dirt road, entering the city through the gap in the walls of logs with sharpened tips. It was a large city by Orc standards, possible the largest and the walls were patrolled by armored warriors that walked a raised platform on the inside of the walls. Several Orcs stood near the gap, watching as the human walked into their city. Archers held their bows with arrows nocked but did not draw. They were confident that this lone human was not an immediate threat. If they had known just who it was that so confidently entered their walls, they would have been much more nervous.
| Posted By: Trey Oct 25, 2003 - 07:12 am | | And a thanks to both of you for comments on the pics. I am enjoying being a Dad.
Trey
| Posted By: joreid Oct 25, 2003 - 07:39 am | | TREY,
Honing on the rewrites can be lots of fun. This is so much better. Here are a few nits.
Naram Sin walked [[into Mochica, the capital city of the Orc nation,]] down the middle of a dirt road, entering Mochica, the capital city of the Orc nation [[the city]] through A [[the]] gap in the walls of logs with sharpened tips. It was a large city by Orc standards, possiblY [[e]] THEIR [[the]] largest. [[and]] the walls were patrolled by armored warriors that walked a raised platform on the inside [[WATCH OUT FOR DUPES OF WORDS -- of the walls.]] Several Orcs stood near the gap, watching as the human walked into their city. Archers held their bows with arrows nocked but NOT DRAWN [[did not draw.]] They were confident that this lone human was not an immediate threat. If they had known just who it was that so confidently entered their walls, they would have been [[much more nervous. YOU HAVE NOT INDICATED THAT THEY ARE NERVOUS AT ALL. A SINGLE WORD TO FORESHADOW THIS WOULD GET IT ACROSS. A WORD LIKE WARILY -- THOUGH I'M NOT A BIG LOVER OF ADVERBS. OR: ARCHERS NERVOUSLY HELD, WARILY HELD....
ALL IN ALL, THIS OPENING REALLY GRABS MY ATTENTION AND IMMEDIATELY SETS THE SCENE AND THE WORLD IN WHICH THE READER IS THROWN.
JOREID
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| Posted By: Trey Oct 25, 2003 - 09:04 am | | Wow, praise from a published author. I love the review on your book;
With the pacing of a Bruce Willis movie on amphetamines
Sounds great. I think I will order it from Amazon and give it a read.
Your advice is well taken. Every now and then I take a moment and make a pass through what I have written both to make corrections like you mentioned and to refresh myself on where I need info. Rather than writing from the beginning to the end I am jumping around a lot and writing the parts that come to me. I find that this gives me ideas as I go along.
Thanks again for the encouragement.
Trey
Trey, clearly, you have done your homework on the culture and behavior of orcs. Do you have any research tips? Where to research races like elves, orcs, etc. Thanks for posting your story. Please get it published and send me a copy!
Pretty little girl! Thankfully though, she resembles her mother! LOL!! Just kiddin.....
Also, Trey, would you mind taking a look at my story? Its only a rough draft, and I know it needs work. Could you tell me what you think? Be as rude as needed. It is called Keeper of the Heart of Dragonath. It should be somewhere on this forum.
Thanks.
| Posted By: Trey Oct 26, 2003 - 06:58 am | | Hi jodyjuice03,
Here are some of the internet sources I use for cultural info:
Cultures
http://joseph_berrigan.tripod.com/ancientbabylon/index.html
http://museolarco.perucultural.org.pe/english/ceremony.doc
http://www.dalton.org/groups/Rome/
http://www.vikinganswerlady.com/index.html
http://www.teacheroz.com/renaissance.htm
Names
http://www.geocities.com/mariamnephilemon/names.html
http://www.angelfire.com/wy/svenskildbiter/Viking/viknams3.html
Creatures
http://www.monstrous.com/
Military and feudal ranking system
http://www.friesian.com/rank.htm
Mythology
http://www.druidorder.demon.co.uk/
http://www.geocities.com/grainnelass/myth.html
http://www.sangraal.com/
http://weber.ucsd.edu/~anthclub/quetzalcoatl/que.htm
Gaming
http://spitfire.ausys.se/johan/cave/default.asp
http://www.zompist.com/default.html
| Posted By: Trey Nov 18, 2003 - 06:53 am | | *bump*
I have only read this by you, and I am a bit confused by the context, although it seems like the opening of a novel of some sort. I imagine a roman-like culture at war with orcs? I really love how the situation is introduced by dire warnings of captured territories and military loses.. but I'd like to learn more about the world (is there magic? other races? why the conflict? etc.) although I am sure you have all of that in other aspects of this story... anyway, more info would be appreciated.
Trey, I've been reading up on the Roman Empire about their wars, people, culture, even the gladiator games. I even learned about the Great Julius Caesar! The Romans were so cool. Even that guy in Gladiator, Commodus(the bad guy), he actually existed! He didn't die like he did in the movie but......
........Roma Victor!!!!!
| Posted By: Athalia Nov 20, 2003 - 01:53 pm | | First, I always like it when someone combines history with science fiction or fantasty.
I like it, it combines enough detail and decription to paint a picture in the minds eye, and still manages to keept the suspense and tension going.
Excellent work.
There is a book you might be interested in reading, that is (kind of) like your story. I can't remember what it is called... but I will look it up as soon as possible for you.
Another series you might check out are by David Weber and John Ringo. "March to the Sea" "March up Country" and "March to the Stars" there might be another in the series, I will have to ask my brother.
| Posted By: Trey Nov 21, 2003 - 01:30 pm | | Weber and Ringo are great!! I have read the all but the last of the March series, still waiting for it to come out in paperback.
Glad you liked it.
Trey
| Posted By: Middy Dec 25, 2003 - 02:47 pm | | I was wondering could you read my story "Spirit of the Warrior" and tell me what you think. It would be very appreciative.
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