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Posted By: Battlepaw Feb 02, 2004 - 11:50 am

Shattered Earth
Part 1: The Fractured Design


Prologue:

Most say the universe goes on forever; never-ending, its outskirts expanding forever into the oblivion of time. No one can agree on the center either. Although it is often through human arrogance that we think of ourselves as the center, that we are the only ones have ever been. In a way we where right, at least for a time. When we left Earth, a stricken and dying world we put aside all knowledge of our original homeworld until it was forgotten and written in as a tiny footnote in our databanks.

We never intended to come back.

Until the day came when the existence of the entire universe hung in the balance between two warring factions, who cared only for the destruction of the other.

That balance descended on the shoulders of our forgotten homeworld.

And a new future for a forgotten world was forged.


Chapter 1- The pilot and the spritmancer.

Rakes slept soundly, his soft breathing causing his chest to rise and fall slowly, and it was the only thing Kirs was listening to. Yes his breathing is normal. He is asleep. Kirs cautiously lowered himself down from the bunk above, careful not to disturb him. Slowly he crept over to his locker, pressed his hand against the sensi-pad and the lock clicked open. Removing his flight suit, he ran his fingers along the back and parted the seam. When the suit was on and the seam re-melded, he reached back into the locker and took out his helmet, he put it on and clicked it into the seal at the collar. He pushed up the visor and faceshield up and grabbed a pair of boots from the locker and put them on as well. Then he peered back into the locker and slowly retrieved a black flight bag. Silently, he crept out and slid open the door to the corridor and slipped through closing it behind him. As he walked down the silent corridor, his boots clanking on the floor, Kirs glanced at timeteller that was built into the cuff of his flightsuit sleeve. It read: 24:2:91 early in the sleep period, for most people on this planet.

Kirs strode into the hanger, and walked over to the operator’s booth and tapped his hand on the transparent material. Inside the hanger op woke up, rubbed his eyes and pushed the intercom. “Kirs?” he sleepily yawned. “Whatcha got for me to fly today?” Kirs said, and as he spoke, he spotted a new craft in the hanger, “What’s that thingy?” Kirs said in an awed voice.

The craft he spoke of was long, sleek, with airfins on the engine outriggers and an arched pilot’s canopy in the nose of it. It had twin bead guns under each of the outriggers, and large helix-gun under the fuselage. “It just came in yesterday. It’s the Talis, a new space-atmospheric superiority fighter.” The op spoke in a quite voice, as he studied the look on Kirs face. “Check to see if, it can be flight-logged” Kirs said excitedly. Smiling broadly, the op spoke in a sober tone “Now Kirs, buddy you know we just got this thing, we are the only planet in this sector to have one. If its here it’s for scenario runs only.”
“Just check please!”
“Ok” The op looked down at his counsel and ran his fingers on the sensi-pad, then his face took on a confused look. “Great Kala!” the op spoke suddenly. This got the boy’s attention. Kirs glanced over the op’s shoulder from the other wall of the transparent booth and his face lit up. “They haven’t rated the flight status yet!” Kirs said. The central higher-ups where slacking on the techwork again. “That means I can fly it!” The boy dashed over to the craft an ran his hands along the armor plating on the ship’s nose, and the expression on his face looked like he had died and gone to heaven. The op climbed out of the booth and glanced at the ID code on the fuselage and rubbed his eyes. Then walked over and glanced at the one on his sensi-pad. “Well I guess the Talis is fair game, Kirs…have fun”

“I can’t believe this.” Kirs said as he undid the seam on his flight bag. He took out his grav-pack and strapped it to his back. He pulled on his gloves, kicked the bag to the wall of the hanger and ascended up the ladder to the canopy hatch. He climbed into the cockpit and glanced at the controls and activated his flightsuit, and flipped down the faceplate to reveal a 3D holographic HUD display. “Activating systems” the suite COM chirped. Kirs could feel the soft vibration of the engines starting up. He glanced behind him and the HUD displayed the rear view, and the parting hanger doors. Kirs waved to the op and activated the Grav engines. The fighter drifted slowly from it’s landing legs and rose a few inches off the hanger deck, and silently drifted, out the open doors.

The sky was alive in vibrant purple, orange and crimson colors as the star that the planet of Avalon orbits slowly crept up from behind the hills. The new sunlight reflected off the sleek metal of the fighter as it rose up to acceleration altitude. The craft glinted, and the twin engines lit up in two pillars of blue fire. The air shook from the shockwave, and below a giant oak’s leaves shook with the fury of the air.

He let out a gasp as he rocketed through the air with little wind resistance. He accelerated into the stratosphere, and then out into open space. The blue tint of the atmosphere faded away and was replaced with a sea of stars. Kirs somehow never tired of this view, even though he had spent most of his life in space, he always gazed at the cosmos as if it was for the first time.

Kirs was not alone, in his orbit of the planet. There was a carrier scrambling it’s fighters on the other side of the planet. Inside the mighty battle vessel Remus II pilots where running to their cockpits in a furious scramble. They had gotten confirmation of a hostile not too far away. There was always fear that the Confederate might attack again. This hostile might be a scout ship. It had to be destroyed.

As Kirs detected the fighters approaching him he thought it odd that others would be in training exercises this time of the sleep cycle, but he decided that he ought to greet them in a friendly manner, so he fired up the COM system and he only got static. This is odd. They are jamming me. He thought. About half a cycle out they opened fire. Kirs fumbled with the twin control yokes and dodged the trails of hot plasma with ease. “This is alpha 12, to attacking fighters break off attack I’m friendly I repeat, Friendly!” Kirs yelled. And spun in a helix, to avoid more fire. He inverted the engine thrust and flew backwards a one of them launched a warhead. Ok, no more playing around. Thought Kirs. He armed the weapons system. A fighter shot over his left wing and he opened fire with his helix gun. The swivel-mounted weapon followed the fighter and managed to put a few shots into it. It was not very effective since the fighter had shields. But it showed them that he was not playing with them anymore. Kirs accelerated to full throttle and pulled a 90-degree arc that caused his gravity dampers to hum in protest. He pulled up behind a fighter, so fast he saw the pilot turn his head in confusion in the cockpit. The guy didn’t waste much time, he turned in a complete circle, while on course and opened fire with his bead guns. His target was not there though. Kirs was smirking as he opened fire and disabled the fighter’s engines. The ship was in no danger of exploding, but the pilot ejected anyway. Hmmm a rookie… poor guy. Then a soft klaxon trilled in his helmet and he glanced at the corner of the HUD and saw a sensor lock from a torpedo. He pushed the fighter as fast as it would go and deployed countermeasures. One of the torpedoes exploded, but the other plowed through the countermeasures and flew towards the Talis, punctured the shields and detonated when it hit an outrigger. Kirs punched the console commands to fire the explosive bolts that would rid him of the damaged outrigger. it detached and fell away. Kirs quickly compensated by balancing the remaining outrigger with his backup engine in the aft part of the fuselage. Speed fell away as Kirs concentrated solely on making it to the planet. There was another thrill as more torpedoes locked on and followed him….


The Planet Earth, The Great Sea.

The sea had taken on a violent new look as white-capped waves 18ft high pounded a small vessel that dared to pass through it’s waters. The Wavehunter sliced through the water like an old pro. It was lowering it’s sails and small figures on the deck where stowing away to wait out the storm. The ship had three masts, two small sail masts and a towering third in the center of the ship. This was the storm mast. “Deploy the Windrigger!” The salty bearded captain bellowed to his crew as his eyes searched the deck, no one was allowed to be on the deck when the Windrigger was deployed. He spotted a figure dashing across the deck, with a small child hanging on her back. She nodded to the captain, and the man pulled a couple of levers in his pilothouse. The was a whirling sound, followed but the clanking of gears and the mast sprouted curved metal blades about five inches in width and in lengths that ran them from the bottom of the mast to the top. It looked like a giant metal eggbeater, the blades where fed by the fury of the storm, and turned twin screws in the back of the ship. They helped the Wavehunter plow through the storm’s waves. A giant red circle was drawn on the deck indicating the danger zone the blades presented. The girl was careful to well avoid the area, as the wind from the storm spun the blades in a tornado of spinning metal. She entered the pilothouse, and looked ahead at the blackness of the storm they where entering. Ze-jon pointed at the trapdoor at his feet and motioned for her to go down below. Cless shook her head and pointed to the deck of the Wavehunter where a loose rope was threatening to get caught in the Windrigger. The man nodded and Cless put the boy down and dashed out to catch the rope the that was being drawn to the Windrigger. Cless made a dashing leap and caught the rope just as the rest of its length sprung free and it twirled towards the Windrigger. She felt the grimy rope slide through her fingers, and she let out a frustrated bellow and chased after it. “T- Wave!” Ze-jon screamed over the wind. Cless looked up in horror and saw the monster wave that towered over the vessel. The whole ship when almost vertical as it rode the wave. Cless slid down the slick deck and desperately tried to grab a handhold. It was almost in slow motion as she slipped over the side, and tumbled down towards the waves. Cless let one cry of despair slip from her mouth as she hit the churning sea.

After that is was a whirl of motion and sound as she surfaced and then was thrown down beneath again, as her hand reached behind her and pulled a cord. There was a hiss as the life vest inflated and then the dunking stopped as Cless shot to the surface. The surface was not much better, the heavy rain blinded her as she looked for the Wavehunter, and made out a dark silhouette some distance away. She shielded her eyes and fumbled with a pocket in her life vest and pulled out a signal flare. Cless pulled the string and a bright, un-extinguishable light flared to life. She shone it, waving it back and forth while screaming her pleas. Then the silhouette disappeared into the tempest along with her hope she could be rescued.

The water temperature was warm, and she knew her only hope left was that the storm would soon blow over and she could locate the ship.

The rest of the night was a blur of rising and falling water, until she felt a sharp pain rip through her shoulder, she had been thrown up onto a rock shoal by a high wave. There was a ripping sound and air started to hiss out of her life vest. Cless gasped in horror and whipped her head around, and discerned a large shadow that had to be an island, one of the millions in the endless chain they had been following. She swam with powerful strokes, even though she felt herself being dragged in by the current. She had to be only a half-mile from land. Yet her life vest had now deflated and she began to be tossed under the water by waves again. One two, three four, just a little bit more, I can see the trees, swaying in the wind, just a little farther until I reach safety. She rapidly thought. I seemed to go on forever, the endless swimming. A wave crashed over her and Cless was plunged under and spun around, Her head surfaced again and she looked around and couldn’t see anything, then another wave crashed and plunged her under again. This time she felt sandy bottom. Her feet wildly thrashed, trying to gain purchase on the sand, then she was dragged back then up again as another wave turned her upside down. She opened her eyes to an eerie muck and shot toward the only shape she could see underwater and hoped it was the surface. Instead it was sand. Cless stood up and fought the current to the shore and flopped down, like a sack of potatoes and hugged the sandy beach. It had all happened so fast. She had been lucky.

She stood up and gazed back out to the churning seas. There was no sign of the Wavehunter. She took off her bloody life vest and ripped off part of her rain coat to bind the wound on her shoulder. It must have happened when she impacted those rocks. The rain continued to come down in sheets.

Cless looked around for shelter. All she could make out in the blackness was a few palm trees. She ran along the beach and towards what she saw a sandy overhang in a sand dune. She scurried under it an pulled her dragonfish raincoat around her tightly. Slowly she drifted into slumber… an exhausted sleep filled with nightmares of the sea.


There it is again… another seagull…. when I wake up I will be in the crew quarters… safe and sound. Cless thought to herself, then she opened her eyes, and the calm morning beach of her island revealed itself to her. This is all a nightmare…. I will wake up any minute… no… it is real… I’ll be stuck here forever and no one will ever find me. Her panic-stricken face was aghast as she stood up and looked out over the horizon. All her vision gave to her was an endless string of islands, and hers was right next to a big one. It was only little distance away. It had a mountain on it. Cless could look out for miles, maybe see her ship. Cless had another flare left. Signal was possible.

On the planet Avalon, The Reserve Fighter Base Alpha 9.


The mediator of the tribunal gazed upon Kirs Kitts, from his position on a high seat.
“Kirs C. Kits, we of the concordant find you innocent of all charges presented to us except one. Loss of the Talis and two other Fighters you put out of action cannot be overlooked. Although you claim you where defending yourself, you could have ejected and surrendered. It is in your training to do so under the situation that presented itself to you. For that charge, you are to be temporarily removed from active duty as a pilot of the Federal Planetary Fleet, and sent to aid in an service on a scientific venture for the time of two standard years… your sentence will be carried out on the planet of Old Earth…. Kirs, you will aid the scientists already there. If you fail to follow their orders, and/or try to terminate your sentence, you will be punished accordingly when you are caught.”

Kirs looked crestfallen. The two pilots who he had splashed where also present in the seating, behind him. They both glared at him apparently not pleased with the sentence. What… you wanted me to work in a mining asteroid for the rest of my life? hello, we are on the same team you cryptos. Kirs glared back. Working for a bunch of sci-arcs was not his idea of a good start to his glorious career he had envisioned for himself in the FPF…. The mediator had tried to go easy on him… it really was a true mistake. The morons at feet HQ had planed to let some ace-spaceman demonstrate the Talis in mock combat the same morning Kirs had taken the thing out. The codex-tag had been removed so the ship showed up hostile. What they forgot to do was tell the base about the planned demonstration. All the HQ guys knew about it… just not the pilots. Or the hanger they where storing the Talis in while it’s pilot enjoyed a night on the town. But there was also politics to navigate… incidents like this is what made the FPF look bad. So they had to punish him somehow… that charge was one that he did not deserve, but it was one that he understood. Or at least he could live with. If they where sending him to aid the sci-arcs they would probably make him a shuttle pilot or something.

The mediator dismissed him and Kirs slowly walked back to his quarters. His life was over. At least for a few years. A post on a remote sci-arc post was all he had to look forward to. Rakes was there when Kirs slid the door to their quarters open. Rakes looked grim, so grim in fact that Kirs had to explain what actually had happened. “Don’t look so glum bud, I’m not going to be executed or anything.” Kirs said cheerfully, although it didn’t improve Rake’s attitude. “Look buddy, if its bad just tell me, I won’t cry you a river crypto” Rakes finally said. “They are just giving me to a bunch of sci-arcs for a couple of years.” Kirs grimaced and continued, “They are sending me to a remote planet where no one will ever hear of me, and hopefully forget about me, you know how HQ is.” Kirs sighed. Rakes nodded. “Yeah… it’s all politics these days.” He frowned and scuffed his feet against the metal floor. “Tough luck newber… but if it was like the old days, when my grandfather was in the FPF… when we where at war. Then we wouldn’t have all the lazy boneheads we do have up at HQ.”

Logbook, Kirs C. Kits, Day 421-500 year 4221 SY

Today the commander dropped by to see me, He was really not very happy to lose his best pilot, and was rather glum. He gave me my orders, that stated that I was to pilot a transport ship to Old Earth, and then was under the command of someone named Dr. Jaypee Kates. I don’t look forward to going though. Even if it potentially could be an adventure. It is a punishment. I also realize that my career will be over after that anyway. My dream of becoming Fleet Overseer is ruined.
End log…

In orbit of the Planet Avalon, aboard the transport vessel Quirks

Kirs put his hand on the control yokes while he waited for the engines to roar to life, the ionic injector had misfired three times already… what a pile of junk Kirs thought in frustration. A loud screeching protest of the engines stated that they had misfired again. At this rate he would never get to Old Earth, his sentence would be spent in the orbit of Avalon. A bit angry now Kirs unbuckled his flight harness and exited the control cabin. In the passenger compartment there where no seats, just piles of crates. Kirs went through this and walked thought the sleeping quarters, and through the open door that led to Engineering. Kirs walked over the ionic injector, noticing that half it’s accelerators where fried, and grunted in dismay. Kirs turned off the power to the engines and kicked open a crate of spare parts. Finding a couple of accelerators in the crate, he chuckled and flipped open the access panel to the ionic windings. Kirs grunted and pulled free the connectors to the accelerators and pulled two of them out. Replacing them with ones from the crate, he pushed them into their slots and reconnected the windings. He closed the access panel and flipped the power circuit. There was a mighty roar and Kirs was thrown into a wall as the ship accelerated. He picked himself up and ran into the cockpit and grabbed the controls. Nudging them with expert ease, he steered the aging transport ship in the direction of the hyperspace beacon. Kirs buckled himself in and as soon as he got a lock on the beacon, he activated the jump drive. There where a few seconds of anticipation, then the drive flared to life. Kirs had not piloted a jump-capable ship for ages. He always loved to watch the glow of hyperpolarized gravitons and the resounding vibrations as the portal formed. Then the first view into hyperspace. Another dimension, one that made interstellar travel possible.

The ship then accelerated into that dimension.

Logbook, Kirs C. Kits, Day 425-500 year 4221 SY

I just completed the jump into hyperspace, I will only have a few hours to relax before I come out in another part of the Galaxy, far from my planet of Avalon. I don’t understand why they had to give me a junkship like this, it already had three major system failures, the last one being Life Support. If this keeps up I will come out of hyperspace in pieces. It’s just not a very safe ship. The commission dated is 4201 SY, and that does not raise my confidence in it. I can feel the dread creeping up… like a predator that stalks the doomed. I can’t help but remember that fateful battle. What could I have changed? the answer to that question is nothing… I learned that lesson the hard way before. I try to think of happy memories, but it is all in vain.
End log…

In orbit of Old Earth…

There was a flash of light, as the portal to hyperspace opened and a transport ship came out of it in a spin. Kirs was desperately trying to balance the ship. It was listing dangerously close to the planet. WARNING… REENTRY IN 34 SECONDS…. The ship computer blared. Kirs, in frustration started pounding on the frozen control that was stuck in a thrust fire position. “Oh no…” Kirs said as the control refused to budge. Kirs ran form the cockpit and into engineering again. There he pulled the manual thruster actuator. Up in the cockpit sparks started to fly as the main computer chose that moment to fry itself. Looking over his shoulder Kirs gulped and ran into the cockpit and started to Grab the yoke for the now unfrozen control. He then realized he had to switch it to manual, as he discovered that computer was dead. Gritting his teeth, he pulled back on the yokes and felt the ship angel itself for reentry. It was all he could do, the computer controlled the main engines. It was supposed to be protected by a hundred safeguards. The ship shook with the raw fury of Old Earth’s atmosphere. Kirs buckled himself in, as he felt the almost weightless feeling of the freefall towards the planet. All he could do was cross his fingers and not lose hope. Kirs turned the structural integrity shields to full and waited for the ship to break from the cloud cover. Outside the cockpit window he saw a mass of swirling white clouds, and then they parted and a vast ocean was spread out from horizon to horizon. He saw a large island chain an put the anti-grav to full and coasted down towards it.




On Old Earth…

As Cless stood on her moutain she gazed over the calm sea, with new respect. There had to be a hundred islands out there. The chain spread out south as far a her eye could see. She did not see the ship though. Overhead seagulls squalled and circled and dived through the morning mist. On the island, all the wildlife were on their home. She was the outsider. The birds carefully avoided the rock she was standing on. No villages, no ports, it is a desolate paradise. Down below here she saw the dense jungle of palm trees and sighed. She was stuck here. At least for a long while. Bowing her head she collapsed on her rock in misery. She then heard a thundering roar from the west and saw a small object plunge out of the clouds and come down in a controlled flight. It had a trail of fire following it and looked like an invading demon from hell, at least to a woman who had never seen a spaceship in her life before.

Gasping in terror, she was frozen on her rock as she witnessed the object fly low along the sea, as it slowly lost attitude and floated over the beach the neighboring island. Then suddenly it hurtled straight down and drove itself deep into the sand. Throwing up a small cloud of dust. Cless gasped and jumped off her rock and hid behind it hoping the demon would not see her. “This is silly, the demon surly can not see this far, and would not be looking up at the top of this mountain.” Cless said to herself, trying to rationalize with herself.

She looked up slowly overtop of her rock and saw that the demon was trying to free itself from the sand. it was spouting fire from its sides and trembling as it tried to rise. Then the fire stopped flowing and the demon settled back down on the sand. “So foul demon, you are too weak to help yourself.” Cless chuckled and threw herself mentally outwards trying to sense the power of the demon. Oddly she did not sense anything from it. Her spirit body flew off her mountain and hurtled at the demon, and hovered over it. There was smoke still rising from the holes in it’s sides where it was spouting fire just before. Cless could now get a better look at it. It was long, and its scales glinted like gleaming metal. It had two cylinders in the back part of it that also where venting steam. That part was just a mess of broken scales. Very strange you are, metal demon. Cless thought. Then an orifice slid open and another smaller demon with bright orange skin emerged. Cless gasped.

Kirs slowly walked out of the maintenance hatch in an environment suit. He grimly assessed the damage. The thrusters where still overheated. The right main engine was badly damaged. The Aft end of the Quirks was sticking out one side of the dune and the forward end cockpit and all stuck up at a crazy angle out the other end. He walked over to the damaged engine. “Total destruction…” He mused as he gazed over what once was an aged Marci II ionic engine. Now it was a pile of debris. He looked out over the sea, and saw a vast ocean dotted with islands. A rather desolate place to land in he thought, although he wasn’t really worried. He assumed he should be rescued soon anyway. All interstellar ships carried a beacon on them that activated in the event of a crash or being disabled. It made for very safe space flight. Except Kirs didn’t know his didn’t have one. That the last pilot had sold it to raiders before he had given his ship to FPF.

“Wow, what a delightful start to my sentence. I’ll be called Kirs the ship Wrecker or something equally flamed, this makes… errr… four FPF ships totaled in two days. It must be a new record.” Kirs told himself proudly.

He walked back to the ship and the hatch slid shut behind him. Taking off the environment suit he exited the slanted room and walked haphazardly through the wreck that was passenger section and into the cockpit. He noticed that the emergency light wasn’t blinking. Thinking that the ship was a just a tough old bird and had not activated the emergence beacon he chuckled and flipped the emergency beacon switch. Nothing. His smile turning into a frown he started breathing heavily. He toggled it repeatedly, gaining no effect whatsoever. He got down on his hands and knees and flipped open the access panel. He screamed in horror as he saw that not only the beacon was missing, but the backup computer as well. And the breaker box for the main computer. “OH NO! THIS CANNOT BE RIGHT! It has to be wrong… it can’t be right. I’m not seeing this!” The youth covered his eyes with his hands, trying to get his brain to accept what he had just seen. He was stuck… on this planet forever.

Posted By: Battlepaw Feb 02, 2004 - 12:45 pm

I know this is kinda long, but this is how big the chapter got before I fell asleep overtop of my keyboard almost eight months ago. I do hope this isn't too long....

Posted By: Bmat Feb 02, 2004 - 01:29 pm

Kirs cautiously lowered himself down from the bunk above, careful not to disturb him- the second "him" is confusing

why would his boots clank? Are they metal?

It was lowering it’s sails and small figures on the deck where stowing away to wait out the storm.- You may want to use "she" and "her", although perhaps "the crew" would be better. The scene needs to be worked on, IMO.

The post is much too long to be read and critiqued by anyone unless they have a lot of time to devote to it. From what I had time to read, it seemed well-written. There was at least one spelling error that I noticed, spellcheck would fix this. It is possible that the story is a bit wordy, but I don't think I gave it a fair read.

If you would like to break the story into two or more posts, you can edit your own posts by going to edit profile on the righthand column.

Posted By: Battlepaw Feb 03, 2004 - 12:30 am

Yeah, I guess it was kinda long. But I've never posted on a short story board before. I've done a number of fourm stories over the years and enjoyed myself greatly only when I'm busy typeing. I guess thats how they get so long. I you like I'll break each chapter in half, as I post it. It will seem kinda jumpy though as I never intended this to kinda wind down on every post. Actually this book is the first one I've written with the chapters so long.

So, I'll cut each post down a bit, but it will still be a bit of a read, at least 5-10 mins worth. The only problem is that you might be a bit overwhelmed by the second half, as per when I ended.

Posted By: talisman Feb 03, 2004 - 12:22 pm

It is a little big long, but from what i read its pretty good. I made comments as i was going along and possibly some of them aren't in line with the storyline you had in mind, but nevertheless, the basic reason for each comment is still applicable.


<< "He pushed up the visor and faceshield up"

Take the 1st instance of up out. Also check right through for more similar sentences. There's places where you've put redundent words on the ends of lines etc Also a few typos/spelling mistakes

why is he so anxious to fly??? Explaining this and his character would be a very good idea.

You may want to explain what the HUD (Heads Up Display) does, not everyone will know.

<< "The fighter drifted slowly from it’s landing legs and rose a few inches off the hanger deck, and silently drifted, out the open doors. "

Ok, are the legs not attached to the craft? You used drifted twice - might want to change that and you used 'and' twice. How about...

Slowly, the fighter rose from its landing legs/pad and began drifting silenty toward(s) the open doors, its body/base only a few inches from the [solid, steel] deck.

brackets [] indicate my own additions to demonstrate how I would write it, not to change the story or universe

Throw a little description in and try to make words like and only occur once per sentence.

<< "Kirs was not alone, in his orbit of the planet. There was a carrier scrambling it’s fighters on the other side of the planet. Inside the mighty battle vessel Remus II pilots where running to their cockpits in a furious scramble. They had gotten confirmation of a hostile not too far away. There was always fear that the Confederate might attack again. This hostile might be a scout ship. It had to be destroyed. "

Again, you use planet twice, 'gotten' would sound better as 'received', hostile is a slangy term. Maybe fine in dialogue, but not in prose. Although short snappy sentences can be dramatic, I think you overuse thre here

How about...

Kirs was not alone orbiting the planet. On the opposite side, [hidden from his view], was the battle vessel/carrier Remus II, [its fighter bays teeming with activity as pilots hurried to their craft and maintenance crews scurried in between fuming thruster engines and thick black cables buzzing with the raw energy needed to power the ships. [+ ADD MORE DESCRIPTION HERE ABOUT THE BAY] Confirmation had been received of a hostile force not too far away and everyone onboard feared a Confederate attack. [They were taking no chances] and any inquisitve scout ship had to be destroyed [before it detected the carrier].


So overall from what I read I'd say you have the universe and storyline there and you do go into detail in some places, but you could do with adding more where necessary.
More dialogue might help, even if its just him talking to himself.
And read your sentences aloud - you might see why they sound a bit broken up and disorganised. Try to make them flow a bit more.
Keep at it though - looks promising

Posted By: Battlepaw Feb 05, 2004 - 10:58 am

A very nice critque... You pointed out some things that even my main critquers missed! Well thats pretty inmpressive. Its just what I'm looking for.

keep em comming!



I changed a few things,

<<He climbed into the cockpit and glanced at the controls and activated his flightsuit, and flipped down the faceplate to reveal a 3D holographic HUD (Heads up Display). “Activating systems” the suite COM chirped. Kirs could feel the soft vibration of the engines starting up. He glanced behind him and the HUD displayed the rear view, and the parting hanger doors. Kirs waved to the op and activated the Grav engines. [The fighter drifted slowly, as the field activated, suspending the craft a few feet from the metal deck, as the landing struts retracted into the hull of the craft. The lights on the wings started to blink warning and silently the fighter passed through the open hanger doors.] >>

I think it reads alot better now...

there is one thing though.

[[ Kirs was not alone orbiting the planet. On the opposite side, [hidden from his view], was the battle vessel/carrier Remus II, [its fighter bays teeming with activity as pilots hurried to their craft and maintenance crews scurried in between fuming thruster engines and thick black cables buzzing with the raw energy needed to power the ships. [+ ADD MORE DESCRIPTION HERE ABOUT THE BAY] Confirmation had been received of a hostile force not too far away and everyone onboard feared a Confederate attack. [They were taking no chances] and any inquisitve scout ship had to be destroyed [before it detected the carrier]. ]]
-QUOTE Talisman

The power systems on the ships are zero vac-enegery fusion devices. In all my books, they don't need recharged before takeoff, but the carriers, at least the diagrams of the ones I drew up for this book launch their fighters in zero-g. The weapons, particularly the bead guns need to constantly be serviced. Each carrier or any hanger in space faculty has two layers of shields. A shield lock, kinda like an air lock, except for ships and a main protection shield. Any ship can pass through the main shield, all they need is the right pulsation frequency on their own shields. It allows the vessels the ability to launch fighters without lowering any shields. I have all this written up on my summary on my webpage. All the techno specs and even explanations on mechneimancy, the technology of using the crystal energy of earth to create machines.

so, takeing your suggestion into account I came up with this revised part:

<<Kirs was not alone, in his orbit of the planet. There was a carrier scrambling it’s fighters on the other side of the planet. Inside the hanger bay of the mighty battle vessel Remus II pilots where running to their cockpits in a furious scramble. Locks securing the fighters to the walls of the hanger deck where releasing with bone-jarring clanks. Huge claxon lamps sounded with noise and light, as the bay decompressed in preparation for launch. The shield-lock barrier dropped and the fighters streaked outwards like a stirred up wasp nest, the trails of hot plasma vapor leaving the hanger awash in an eerily purple-red glow. There where a series of bright flashes that followed as each fighter passed through the carrier’s main defensive shield. Silence reigned as the shield suddenly reactivated and the hanger filled with suit-clad techs that pored over a fighter that was still attached to the wall, its pilot screaming curses at the lock that had failed to open.

The reason for the scramble was on the main display screen on the command deck. The sensor grid of Avalon had detected a hostile signature. With the confederation always threatening war, the hostile signature had to be acted upon, or it could paint a nice little sensor sweep that could spell doom for Avalon. The fear of another massive barrage of planet-killing fusion missiles was sunk deep into the minds of everyone aboard, all remembering the horrors seen in vids of planets smoldering under a hellish blaze of gigaton explosions. >>

I think that helps a bit. It also describes the reasons that the fighters orignaly attacked Kirs, which I think could have been better explained then what I wrote on the thoughts of Kirs after the trial.

Posted By: talisman Feb 05, 2004 - 02:51 pm

<< "The fighter drifted slowly, as the field activated, suspending the craft a few feet from the metal deck, as the landing struts retracted into the hull of the craft. The lights on the wings started to blink warning and silently the fighter passed through the open hanger doors.]"

If 'warning' is a message, it needs single quote marks around it, otherwise you probably want 'a' in front of it. The rest looks good though, though I think you use 'and' too much in the line before this one

<< "In all my books, they don't need recharged before takeoff,"

Well don't worry about the power lines bit. I just threw that in for lack of anything better to put there.


<< "stirred up"
I think this should be 'stirred-up', but I could be wrong

<< "hot plasma vapor leaving the hanger awash in an eerily purple-red glow"

Not sure if that would ignite and destroy the ship. I don't know enough about physics lol

<< "fighter that was still attached to the wall"
I'd change 'that' into 'which'

Everything else if good. Keep it up and glad I could help

Posted By: Battlepaw Feb 09, 2004 - 11:36 am

Everything seems to be going fine, so I guess I'll post the second half of the chapter.

Part Two of Chapter 1

Cless had been watching the metal demon for about an hour now. She had saw the smaller demon go back into the orifice and wondered just what creature it could be. An Imp! She concluded. She had heard that they were bright orange. But just a little smaller, though. And not that ugly. Maybe she should thought listen. That was always a good idea. Then she could determine why it had come to her island. All she had to do was wait for it to come back out. There it was again! it was stumbling out of the re-opened orifice. She put her spirit body over the orange imp and watched as he danced around on the sand in a rage… then he ran over to the side of the metal demon and started savagely kicking it. Was it asleep? Was the imp trying to awake its master? She tried to thought probe the Imp but was pushed back out by the fury of the emotions… grief, rage, dread, they where all there. And tears started flowing from Cless’s eyes as she shared the emotional state of Kirs.

It wasn’t fair! The whole universe was on offence! Kirs had never experienced such a string of catastrophes. The whole universe was out to get him! Tears of frustration and rage streaming from his eyes he continued his assault on the hull of the Quirks. In his state of desperation… he didn’t care if he couldn’t do any damage. He just needed the satisfaction. Then he felt something… a slow calming come over him… like a stormy sea transfigured into a model of perfection. In his mind a picture formed. It was of a sunrise. An infinitely beautiful one, beyond any possible description. He was standing on the deck of a strange sailing ship gazing out over the calm blue-orange waters and watching the sky light up in a rainbow of colors, it was the most serene thing he had ever had gazed upon. Instantly he calmed himself down and plopped down under a palm tree. Then the tears started to dry up and he remembered why he had been angry. Stuck here forever! not my fault! Where had that memory come from? He tried to recall it, but could not. Oh well Kirs thought. Slowly his hands reached up and unbuckled the helmet.

Cless had collapsed on the ground. Her head was throbbing so badly. It was worse than any migraine she had ever had. Her hands clenched in agony. It was like every mucle in her body had taken that moment to painfully cramp up. She had transferred the emotion, something her teachers had advised her never to do. She had not done it on purpose. It was just that the imp’s mind was so open. She had to make it stop… so she took something from her happiest memories… A calm sunrise she had witnessed from the deck of the Wavehunter. It was so peaceful… so instinctively she probed deeper into the imp’s mind.

Scenes of things and places she had never seen and never imagined in her life where displaying themselves inside her head. Who was this outsider? The imp and his metal beast? Where had they come from? These where questions she was asking herself when she leapt out of her body again in spirit form. What she saw astounded her. The imp had unmasked himself. It had the head of a young man! How it this possible… a few seconds ago it had an ugly mask on. She watched as the young man continued climbing out of his Imp costume. He was wearing a one piece blue body suit under it. His curly black hair and young-looking was rugged, and sweaty. He leaned back and stretched his arms like someone just getting up in the morning. Strange. Then the young man walked over to his metal demon and inspected the damage to it while running fingers through his curly hair. Slowly, Cless crept into his mind like water flowing into a glass. He was assessing the damage, something about ionic stabilizers and orbit calculations. Nothing Cless could understand.

Kirs stood there thinking for a second. Maybe if he could salvage one engine, he could launch a probe up into orbit with a short-range distress beacon. Or he could fix the computer and send a message out with the COM system. The computer was fired. And the backup one was missing. It left few options open. If he would ever get back to the FPF he would have a word with the former pilot of this freighter. It wouldn’t be friendly either. For a second as he thought about what to do he was sure he heard something, like the loud crushing of stone or something. Kirs whirled around and saw nothing. Then he felt a sharp hot pain on his knee. He looked down and saw no damage to his flight suit. There where sure a lot of strange things going on around here. “Awww, its nothing Kirs old buddy, just your imagination.”

Cless’s leg smarted, she had fallen from her rock and scraped her knee on it on the way down. Cursing herself for forgetting to secure herself before going off in her spirit body, she sat down and thought about what to do about this mysterious person on the next island.

It was getting dark as evening fell, and Kirs headed back into his spacecraft, while Cless made herself a shelter of bamboo and palm branches.

Inside his spacecraft, Kirs lay on the off-duty cot with his logbook in his lap.


Logbook, Kirs C. Kits, Day 425-500 year 4221 SY –ammemdment

The hyperspace jump went fine until the left forward thruster jammed itself and caused the ship to go into a spin. Being that the computer was thirty years out of date, it not only jumped too close to the planet, it fried itself when I un-jammed the thruster and that made escape velocity impossible. I managed to fly the ship in on manual control, and tried to land it on an isolated island. But the antigravity malfunctioned and put me into a sand dune and damaging one of the delicate engines. I have determined that there was no pilot error involved. The former pilot had pilfered the ship as much as he could. That included the distress beacon and the backup computer, and who knows what else. The location I am at is currently an island, devoid of all signs of occupation, save my own. But strange things have been happening. Maybe the local vegetation has pollen with hallucinogenic properties or something of the sort. I heard strange noises, that had no apparent cause. Also a vision, no a memory I never ever recalled. Tomorrow I am going to explore the island better. Perchance that will reveal the cause.

In the middle of the night Cless woke up in a cold sweat. She had had the nightmare again. It was of the destruction of the planet… there where invaders coming and she by herself had tried to fend them off. They came in giant gray demons like that mysterious young man out there. And they destroyed all the cities of her homeworld one by one. At least that had been the dream as she had experienced it before. This time it was different. She had someone standing by her side, aiding her to fight off the invaders. It was that man from the sky.

Cless pondered this dream for a while. It was rare for her people to dream. To have a re-occurring one was no coincidence. It always predicted something. She decided. Tomorrow she would have to make herself known to the outsider from the sky.

Kirs also experienced a dream that night. It was his usual sort, weird, and full of mythical monsters and space ghosts. Of course Kirs was the one slaying them. He had learned to control his dreams a long time ago. Ever since he had read how to do it in a database somewhere he had turned it into a game. How much control he could get over the dream before he woke up. He really didn’t understand it himself. How it actually worked. Kirs had once tried to explain it to his wingman Rakes, but Rakes never was really interested. The guy was getting old. Close to retirement. Not young and ready to experience new things.

Kirs was trying to kill a space ghost with his version an assault cannon. It conveniently never needed reloading too. Suddenly, the space ghost and the old derelict ship he was standing in were both gone. He was walking along the seashore. He gasped. The sight of the city he saw took his breath away. It wasn’t very big but it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The rounded domes and smooth towers glistened blue crystal in the light of a big round moon in the sky. In the shadow of those mammoth towers small dwellings made of stone and wood stood. A town stood, and it looked completely a different contrast to the crystal towers. “What is this place?” Kirs exclaimed out loud.

“This place is where I once came from… now man who rides a demon, where do you dwell?” It was a soft voice. Female… Kirs turned slowly around and saw the person who had spoken. A young woman, who had long red hair, soft orange eyes, and a hearty, plain complexion, gazed silently back at him. Kirs’s eyes widened. His jaw dropped and he tried to think how this intrusion could have gotten into his tightly controlled dream.

“I…. I come from a planetoid… it is far out on the wasteland rim…” Kirs slowly stammered. This just brought a look of confusion across the woman’s face. “Now… lady this is my dream would you please get out of it?” That felt weird to say… because this dream had now become so more realistic. A gusty sea breeze drifted over the coast and the woman’s long hair blew with it. It felt cool, a sensation. Something that just did not happen in typical dreams. “You surprise me evermore demon rider. Your thoughts think of dreams of a form of nightly entertainment, but they can be much more than that. Foretelling the future. Even communication. They can also, every once in a great while explain your destiny to you as well.”

She stopped and bit her lip for a moment. Kirs was listening intently, having the most interesting dream in a long time. Then the woman continued. “Always remember that what you see when you wake up is just the world you live in. What goes through your dreams when you sleep is only a gentle touch of the world that you can’t see when you are awake. But it is one that guides you and teaches you. Always remember that young demon rider.”

Looking like he was intently enjoying himself Kirs sat down on the beach and gazed up at the stars. “My name is…Kirs, * Sigh * you know, every time I look at the stars. I see my essence of my soul. That’s why I like the view so much. I guess. Even if that stupid moon blots it out. You get that dream lady?” He turned around and sat up. The lady was standing over him, looking down with a smile on her face.

Slowly she sat down beside him and gazed not at the sky but over the waves. “I know now I was right to try to talk to you.” The woman sighed and turned her gaze from the waves to the sky as the demon rider that was named Kirs had once again resumed his gaze of the stars. He smirked as the tail of a shooting star streaked across the sky. “Now that is something that you don’t see from space…” He contently murmured.

“We will have quite a bit to talk about when we meet Kirs, humble demon rider. When you awaken go out to the beach. I will be waiting. Now I will leave you to your gazing of the stars.”

“Wait… please stay dream woman…” Kirs spoke too late, for when he sat up she was already gone.

Kirs stayed in that peaceful setting until he awoke.

His cuff choro was beeping softly. It was heralding in the new morning. Kirs tumbled gracelessly from the off duty cot and rubbed his softly throbbing head. Sitting up he caught a glimpse of radiant light from the open hatch that led to the cockpit. Brushing back his short curly hair he headed into to the cockpit and winced at the bright light. A sharp contrast to the dark crew compartment. The cockpit was on an angle but awkward angles where nothing new to the pilot who had experienced many exotic gravitational forces in his life as a spaceman. Quickly he pushed himself up and into the co-pilot’s seat. Peering out over the beach he spotted only empty sand and small crabs scuttling across it. Silly he actually decided to look. It was only a dream anyway. Or was it? Running his fingers through his astrewn curls he leapt off the pilot seat and slid down the deck to the crumbed engineering section. Once there he looked for the weapons locker. Not surprisingly he didn’t find it. It looked like that had been pilfered too. Not a really big deal. He always carried a HEIW (Handheld Electro-Ionizer Weapon) in his gear. Mostly because it’s ammo was rechargeable. It was standard issue for the FPF, but he had modified his greatly, to give it more efficient energy usage and accuracy. He put the holster around his waist and reached back into his flight bag and took out his next piece of gear. It was a multi-box. This was also standard issue for the FPF for very obvious reasons. It had many useful tools, among them vision enhancing glasses and a water purifier. It also had all the survival tools necessary to the stranded denizen.

Silently Kirs exited the ship and once again inspected the damaged engine. “Well maybe I can salvage one.” He slowly said. “But the other is scrap.” he cursed under his breath.

What Kirs didn’t know is that Cless was waiting for him on the beach… of her island. She had not yet mustered up the courage to swim across the wide channel that separated the two islands. What she saw spread between the two islands underwater was a large patch of kraken weed. The carnivorous aquatic plant usually ate fish, but she had no doubt that it wouldn’t hesitate to gobble down a larger target. Like a foolish young woman who desperately needs to get across the channel.

After about an hour she thought she finally had a solution. She found an area of the island channel on the north part that was devoid of kraken weed. It was wider there but should cross easier. With a long sigh she finally mastered the courage to swim across.

With a leap she plunged into the water. With strong heavy strokes she swam powerfully across the channel. It wasn’t until she was half way that she noticed her mistake. The current was pushing her towards the weed. She felt herself starting to drift south, towards certain death. Panic-stricken thoughts dashed through her head. Please…. not like this I can’t die like this. I’m not brave I can’t fight that devilish weed. She saw the red-green tendrils of the plant reaching for her under water. She put more effort into her stokes, which where mad thrashes now. Then the feeling touch of the tendrils grabbing her feet and waist. Madly she fought and managed to free herself. Still swimming hard, it seemed all too quick as her feet touched sand again and she pulled her wet, waterlogged body from the water, up onto the beach. She quickly crawled up the beach as the tendrils whipped out of the water in a last effort to get her. “No you don’t!” She screamed and kicked sand at the wildly thrashing tendrils on the beach. She was breathing heavy now. Her exhaustion catching up to her. She was gasping for air as the horror of what just happened clearly sank in. She was about to pick herself up when she saw a tall shadow above her. She looked up into the snub barrel of a handgun. She yelped, startled. Her eyes madly looked left and right for a place to run.

“Wait! who are you?” A soft boyish, sounding voice asked. As the woman slowly stood up Kirs got a better look at her. “No…. it can’t be” He stammered. His face showed a look of pure disbelief.

The youth gulped and slowly lowered his weapon. “This is impossible!” The woman just smiled. Then, as if he finally came to his senses he put the gun away and looked at the woman… the same one who had visited him in his dream. “Do… you…. Err… speak basic?”

The only reaction he got from this declaration was a small chuckle from Cless. “Yes I can talk silly demon rider!” The woman continued in small fits of laughter. “I don’t intend to harm you, and we have much to talk about.”

“That was you inside my head when I lost it out there and you who caused me to think I was hurt for a second, you can get into people’s heads… amazing.” And the boy backed up and drew out his weapon again. “You just don’t get the idea to do that again… and keep your distance!” Kirs said as realization dawned on him. He abandoned all friendliness he once had shown and crouched under the shade of a palm tree. He continued to keep his gun trained on the rather harmless-looking young Cless.”

“Oh… I really didn’t meant to make you angry!” The woman stammered and slowly backed up and sat down on a algae-encrusted rock a safe distance away. “It’s just… that I needed to know!” She continued, her knees starting to shake. This was not the reception she had envisioned when she had planned it all out earlier. A cold breeze blew out over the islands and Cless instinctively searched the horizon for a storm. She spotted a dark mass floating slowly over the southern part of the island chain. It would reach here in only a short while. She shivered and clutched herself as the awkward silence between the two of them continued.

“So… are there any others like you around?” Kirs motioned to the other island. This break in the silence startled Cless and she looked up and brushed her long hair out of her eyes as she shook her head. “I am stranded here just like you are… well I think you are stranded right?” She exclaimed. She saw the look of pure downcast that this brought on the dragon rider’s face as he was reminded of the horror of his situation again. “Well I don’t have to answer any of your questions… and even if I did it wouldn’t make a difference anyway… I am stuck here forever and with a she-witch that can read my mind and make me see things that just are not normal!” He cried exasperated, dropping his gun on the ground and sinking his face into his hands… suddenly Cless realized he must be younger than she first had thought. No more than sixteen, a rather young age for a warrior.

“You know, If you really don’t want me to go inside you I just won’t anymore! I’m sorry I had too.. most people can’t detect me, so I just get used to it after a while.” She was almost tempted to go into his head now to comfort him, when she held herself back. She realized that that thing he must have been pointing at her was some type of weapon, and she really didn’t want to find out what it did.

The wind was blustering with steady reliance and in the distance there was a soft purring rumble. The wind started picking up more. The storm was approaching like a beast stalking its prey. Kirs and Cless both peered warily over their shoulders at it. Cless shivered again and looked out at the approaching squall like a person looking at a particularly loathsome ugly bug.”

It was an odd awkward moment they shared. Kirs stared fearfully at something that he didn’t understand, while Cless looked at the boy as if he was a hero or something. Not a fearful expression visible. Then once again it was Cless who broke the silence again. “I came here because I need your help. You see, I have been having a premonition lately. That was why I got on a ship to look for people to help me. I think that my finding my way here is no accident. It was destiny bringing you to me, so you can aid me in conflict to come.”

Then there was a loud thundering roar overhead and large fat raindrops started to drip around them. The dripping turned into a fury of falling water as the storm completely engulfed them. Kirs blinked and raised his gun that had drifted down again and squinted his eyes as rain poured off the leaves of the palm he was under and onto him. Kirs had never been in a rainstorm before. Avalon had just always had a temperate mist dispersed by the weather generators. And everywhere else had had no rain at all. Wanting not to get drenched he motioned for the woman to follow him, continuing to keep the gun trained on her.

The wind and rain pelted them both as they walked through the island to Kir’s ‘metal demon’ when they had arrived Kirs pushed a combination of blinking lights on his cuff and the hatch slid open. Kirs jumped up the two meter or so gap from the sand to the hatch and grabbed the edge with his hand then with a small gasp he pulled himself up and climbed in. Kirs did that as if it just came naturally to him.

Cless looked up into the dark gaping hole the demon rider had just climbed into. Walking over to it she looked up at I it. It looked the beginning of an abyss. Rain pelted her vision, and she shivered again and found herself longing for shelter. Still looking up she saw a hand extend from the hole. She reached up and grabbed it thankfully. With a grunt Kirs pulled her into the airlock and punched the cycle button. The door slowly groaned shut leaving them in total darkness. Then the lights flickered on and the inner door opened. Cless gave a surprised gasp.

“It… is a machine!” Cless cried out in a surprised voice. She had seen only a few machines. They used esper energy and where used for all kinds of things. But she had never seen one that could fly. She then realized that she was alone the boy had gone into the other part of the ship, leaving her shivering in the airlock. Slowly she stuck her head out the door and saw the boy shuffling around in a crate looking for something. Grunting with satisfaction he pulled out a large packet and undid the fastenings to it.

“You cold?” Kirs stated more than really asked. He still sounded rather angry. Cless nodded slowly and the boy pulled out a blanket that had a silver coating on it from the packet and handed it to her as he continued to dig around in the crates for something. Cless held out the strange blanket and looked at it curiously. Slowly she wrapped it around herself and yelped in surprise when it made a crackling noise and became warm. Kirs turned his head abruptly and eyed the woman cautiously, his hand drifting to the holster where his gun was, then his expression suddenly changed and he chuckled silently to himself.

“It is supposed to do that…,” He cried over his shoulder when he had turned back to his rummaging. He then went to another crate, a little unhappy at his luck with the last one and popped the top to it. As soon as he did this he gave a happy cry and withdrew a one piece flight suit like his, except in a yellow color and tossed it to her. But failed to notice it had missed her by a half meter and landed on the side of a crate behind. “You can change in the engineering section.” Kirs said. He was still pulling things out of the crate. The woman regarded him with a grunt of indignation and confusion. “Engineerrrinking?” Cless said the word as if she had never heard of it. The boy just shrugged and pointed to the open door down in the dimly lit bowls of the machine. She decided not to ask any more questions. She pulled the suit off the crate and mused over it for a bit… it seemed inflexible and stiff. But Cless knew that couldn’t be right, Kirs could move around all right. She examined the cuff and found multi-colored squares there she touched one and it started blinking. Her eyes widening Cless examined it up close. There where four colored squares Red, blue, green and orange. There was also a large gray square, with a transparent covering over it. She prodded it with her finger and it lit up and displayed some characters. 24:8:39 it read. This clothing was certainly interesting. It wasn’t her now very soaked spritmancer robes but it was definitely wearable. Walking down to the section of the ship Kirs had indicate she found a dark corner and slipped out of her soaked cloths and tried to figure out how to get on her new ones. She tugged at the turtle-necked coller and found the suit parted straight down the middle. She climbed into it and found it was a little small on her, just as she was about to try to take the cloths off they expanded to her size and she almost fell over in surprise. As soon as she had put her hands through the sleeves she felt the same warming sensation that the blanket had given. trying to figure out how to re-seal the seam too a while until she finally tried to just push the two sides of the front of her suit together. They made a soft gritting sound, as if the hems where filled with sand and they held togather. She pulled at any place on it and the seam seemed sound, then she found a buckle at the collar and clipped it.

It was like wearing a glove, one that fit her perfectly. Marveling at it, she climbed back up to the section where she had left Kirs. But the boy was gone. She looked at the mess of things dug out of the crates and bending down she picked up a small pad. It was a piece of that same gray material she had on her cuff, except as she held it, the pad lit up and displayed lots of characters she did not know. She prodded it like she had done to her cuff and a character lit up and a voice issued from the pad. “Logbook, Kirs C. Kits, Day 014-500 year 4221 SY, Today was more flight training… rather boring I suppose but Command, I guess wants us in top condition if the Confederate attacks again. Rakes and I where in an outdated Vulture-T-103 attack fighter, one of those ones that still had those larger bead cannons. It was an enlightening experience when I almost blew the structural integrity field while accelerating into orbit. The fighter didn’t have and aerodynamic part on it. Rakes almost had heart failure. He told me off and made me switch my control to him for a while. He surprised me in how good he could handle the mothball. When I asked him when we got back to base he explained that he had flown fighters like that all his life. The guy will have to retire soon, almost 43… very old for a spaceman. I hope to get to fly something better like Kichter T-133 or something next run… End log”

Cless sat there and thought for a moment. Not a lot of what was said made sense, but she had heard the words ‘attack’ and ‘cannon’…those she understood. She reminded herself to ask Kirs what the rest meant. Prodding the pad again she tapped another character and a different log issued from the pad. Kirs’s voice filled the room. “Logbook, Kirs C. Kits, Day 473-500 year 4220 SY, today I just was transferred from my old base on the planet of Tipson’s Folly and onto a planet called Avalon. I just met my new co-pilot/wingman too, he calls himself Rakes, but his full name is Rakeson Fuller. He is an old guy, in his 40s and has a grouchy disposition and a general dislike for rookies. I got what I wished I guess, finally I actually get to fly my fighters rather than fix them all the time. They have all the new ones, not the Pre-war museum relics I had been flying back on my old base. These new ones I am going to fly actually can punch through the atmosphere in less than a minute. *chuckes I had a long chat about them with rakes, getting up to speed on what I needed to know. He had laughed and told me that his grandfather had flown the same fighters I had piloted previously. He then went on to tell me a greatly embellished tale about his grandfather and a whole flight of Confederate fighters his squad had destroyed. I laughed along with him, and he seemed to finally start to warm up to me. The surface is actually pretty nice too, with wide meadows and great ancient forests of giant oak trees. Very much unlike… *click”

Cless jumped back and looked up at Kirs who was standing over her with a look of fury on his face. He snatched the logbook out of Cless’s hands and pushed on two of the gray plastic’s sides, the pad collapsed into the size of a small scroll, which the boy hastily tucked into a pocket of his suite. Cless still sat there with her jaw opened and was about to say something when she was interrupted by Kirs. “Don’t touch anything! there are some rather dangerous things onboard this ship and you could kill yourself or something, and if you see this thing, (he tapped the pocket where he had put the logbook) don’t ever touch it again, it is private! It’s just as bad as digging around in my head got it?”

The woman nodded, but Kirs’s face had changed from an angry look back to a slight smile. “I bet you aren’t used to any of this. I can’t possibly imagine.” He said this slowly, his hand picking at the pocket that the logbook had been put.

Kirs walked over to the pile of stuff he had taken from the crates and picked up a brightly colored package and tore the causing off. He reached inside and took out a red, translucent square. Then he held it up to his face and spat on it. The was a squishing sound and the square expanded to the size of a grapefruit. Kirs smiled and took off a chunk of it with his fingers and popped it into his mouth. He glanced over to Cless and almost laughed at the expression on her face. When he had swallowed he explained it to her. “There’re rations, one little square will fill the nutinatonal requirement and fill the stomach.” This just brought a confused look on the woman’s face. “Food” Kirs abbreviated. This statement caused the gears to click in Cless’s head and she reached into the packet and too out an orange shaded square. Imitating Kirs she spat on it and almost dropped it as it expanded into a large orange square the size of a baseball. “Ok, now tell me again why you wanted to find me” Kirs said between bites of his meal.

“Well, among my people I’m known as a spritmancer, a user of the energy of all living intelligent things, or Us ‘humans’. Among my people there are other types of users of the great power too. There are the mystics, who use the power of the crystal and their mind. There are also the menicanacer, user of the power of crystal, except they use machines to do it. A spritmancer also has other gifts other than those of the mind. We can also predict many things, good planting times, Births, and even drought. Sometimes though we predict very horrible things… I have predicted the end of our way of life. The end of our people. But my visions have given me you. You as an ally to help me stop it.” She said this slowly and it drew a thoughtful expression from Kirs.

Kirs paused a second before he spoke, as if thinking about what to say. “Now consider for a moment that I actually believe that you can predict the future. You see Cless we have machines we use to do the same thing you claim to do, and nothing is ever exact. No matter how powerful we make the machine, or how many quantum cores we give it, It can’t predict human nature, even if there are a hundred texts on it in our databases. We still get the same questionable answers for them. We get these answers because we have determined that the future can never be exactly predicted. There are too many variables and constants. But, if we sit back and draw a large picture of the present, and look at the past, our predictions become general, not exact but far more accurate. Are you saying you can do what something that is smarter than a billion machines put together can do, predict an exact future?” Kirs spoke this as if he was still debating something in his head.

“Think of my predictions as paths that the future can take. That’s what a seer does, they sort out the paths, and as they all start to lead the same direction we start to see a picture. I left the safety of my home village to go on a quest of investigation of one of my paths, one that showed me saving my people, and it led me here.” Cless exclaimed.

“And you think your seer stuff chose me to help you.” Kirs chucked at the thought of him actually being a hero.

“It all makes sense, I saw machines like yours in my visions, and you are from a people who uses them.” Cless continued.

“But I know the FPF has no plans to invade this planet. All they have here is a lousy orbiting research faculty. I was sent here after I got in a spot of trouble to help them, and I was briefed before I left base.”
Kirs thought about this for a second and his face went ashen white. He seemed to be remembering something. Cless suddenly was hit wit a wave of emotion and had to quickly block it out to keep herself from interfering.

“They wouldn’t!” screamed Kirs. Cless just eyed him curiously. She wished she could open up and let the emotion flow into her, and she drift though the memory he had remembered, perhaps then she could understand why his face had drained of all color. “Wouldn’t what?” Cless snapped.

“Nothing… I just was thinking something. I know the alliance would never exploit an undeveloped planet that had natives living on it.” Kirs continued.

“Cless , what is this ‘crystal’ you keep talking about?” I’ve never heard of a person using crystal to enhance his mental power.

“It is used for many things, as a power source, as a magnifier of mental abilities, and many other things.” Cless said.

Kirs pondered this for a moment, and said nothing. Finally he spoke “Cless, I think we should work on getting off this island, and trying to get me back to my people before it is too late, because if what I think is gonna happen, will occur, we best try to stop it.”

“What? Your people will invade?” Cless said with a bit of venom in her voice.

“I don’t know, but I need to find out.” Kirs replied coolly.

“You said your crystal can be used as a power source? Can you take me to some?”

“I need to find my ship.” Cless looked a little glum at that idea.

“Is it on this island? Is that how you got here?” Kirs looked confused at that idea.

“No I was washed overboard. They might try searching these islands for me, but I doubt it. That buffoon of a captain wanted me to stay in my cabin the whole voyage, wanted to keep me safe, he forgot that I had spent a lot of my early years seaboard, It was the first time I had been out of the crystal center in years. You see, us spirtmancers spend most of our lives in study, learning the depths of our powers. At the Crystal Center we learn how to use them properly and other things. So when I felt the powers of nature growing, and the storm brewing I had to pound on my locked cabin door for an hour to get the crew’s attention. When I was let out the storm was already upon us. So I went on deck and helped the captain. We have this device all of our ships carry. It’s called a Windrigger. Well I was trying to keep a rope from being caught in it when I fell overboard.” She stated.

“How did you arrive here. Demon rider?” She inquired.

“It’s a very long story. I hope you like to hear such long tales.”

“I do very much indeed. Go on”

“Alright…. It begins when I joined FPF…”

And so the two sat there talking to each other, Kirs relating how he had gotten himself stranded, and Cless asking a great many confusing questions about ‘starships’ and ‘FPF’ while meanwhile on the other side of the planet something important was taking place.

Posted By: Battlepaw Feb 16, 2004 - 05:51 am

That is the last of the first chapter, but I still need your help Firstly, I need your opinions on sprite magic and the art of looking into the future.

Ex. “Always remember that what you see when you wake up is just the world you live in. What goes through your dreams when you sleep is only a gentle touch of the world that you can’t see when you are awake. But it is one that guides you and teaches you. Always remember that young demon rider.” –Quote Cless,

Ex. “Think of my predictions as paths that the future can take. That’s what a seer does, they sort out the paths, and as they all start to lead the same direction we start to see a picture. I left the safety of my home village to go on a quest of investigation of one of my paths, one that showed me saving my people, and it led me here.” –Quote Cless

Posted By: Battlepaw Jan 03, 2005 - 05:11 am

Hello, I hope I'm not being anoying by bumping this post up. I just need more critques on this story. It would be really helpful