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Posted By: Sir Malaam of Highmoon Oct 23, 2004 - 06:59 pm

***

Light pierced through his eyelids. Soft light, maybe moonlight. His back rested on bare ground. Forest ground, with a few little rocks but mostly tall grass. His head was on a smoother surface, though, like folded cloth. Something was tickling his cheeks.

Saevel groggily opened his eyes. Mylena was on her knees right next to him, his head resting on her lap. Her flowing red hair was tickling his face. She looked concerned. "Why am I..." Saevel started, weakly.

Mylena jerked back, more out of embarrassment than fear, unwittingly letting his head fall on the rough ground in the process.

"Ow!" he complained, before continuing, trying to raise himself on an elbow. "Why am I still alive?" he repeated.

"You have some fight in you,” she offered, "and you’re lucky. I drained what minor curative magic I had to keep you alive".

There was a long silence. Saevel observed the renegade sword dancer. She was now fully clad, and the moonlight seemed to enhance her beauty to an enthralling degree.

"Why did you kill Aramil?" he finally asked, breaking the silence and forcing himself to sit against a tree.

There was again a long silence. Mylena stared into the night.

"I will tell you the story of Amaryllis, the banshee of the Lost Woods..." Mylena began.

"Never heard of her" Saevel countered, anxious to get to the point.

"Shut up and listen" answered an offended Mylena. "Amaryllis was abandoned at birth by her parents, who by all records let her in the custody of the Council of Glorious Highmoon. The Council took good care of Amaryllis, teaching her everything there was to know in the ways of swordsmanship, where she expressed interest. However, they never cared to show her appreciation, disapprobation, or any other emotion any real parent would show their child, which hardened little Amaryllis and made her appear much more mature than her tender age suggested. Soon the infinitely wise chairmen of the Council realized the small creature would make a wonderful assassin. Her blind admiration for the Council and the entire Tel'Quessir would make her easily manipulated and she would eagerly accept and carry on even the most unavowable missions. So they trained her as a sword dancer, the most elite and sacred warriors in Elven culture, and then one day explained to her she was going to take care of the "special missions". She happily accepted the honor and completed her assignment with surprising ease, stealth and guile. So well in fact that the Council realized she could do much more. They told the Knights of the Phoenix about their idea and asked them to train their newfound weapon in all the skills a perfect assassin would need. Perfect not only because of her talent but because of her overwhelming need to please the Council and her belief in protecting the Tel'Quessir as a sword dancer."

"There is nothing wrong in serving the Council!" objected Saevel, who refused to see the Council subjected to these accusations.

"That's exactly what she thought, and she did their dirty work for some time. That is, until a high placed figure within the Knights of the Phoenix decided the girl deserved a healthier environment for a change and took her as his pupil. There he taught her about music, magic, of how perfection of style and of mind can be reached through the purity of songs. And there she found peace for another few years."

"That man was Eraïl, wasn't it?"

Mylena grew silent and resumed staring into nothingness. Saevel realized he had to hear the end of the story. "Please, continue" he said on a respectful tone.

Mylena’s eyes drifted to another time as she continued her tale. "One day, Amaryllis receives a message from an old friend, asking her to go to the Council for a matter of the utmost importance. Eager to see who she considered her lost family, she takes her equipment and goes back to Highmoon. She is taken before a representative of the Council and there, without being greeted or even looked at, is instructed she must bring back or, if she finds resistance, kill a dangerous renegade who has defiled the Council and who poses a serious threat to the Tel'Quessir. Still blinded by her desire to please the Council, our young sword dancer easily breaks into the manor of the said renegade, kills one of his servants, and when she is finally standing before him, her blade on his throat, he tells her she looks just like her mother."

Mylena's features seemed to become even colder, but her sparkling eyes betrayed her emotions. This was obviously difficult for her to tell. She went on nonetheless. "Amaryllis, surprised by this reaction, decides she cannot kill him yet and lowers her weapon. So the man goes to a chest, takes out an exquisite sword with great care, and hands it to her, explaining her mother wanted this delivered to her daughter. That sword was an esmenaya, a symbol of Tel'Quessir culture. Before she can say anything else, some occult force appears and attacks the man. Amaryllis is able to drive the creature back, but not before it has inflicted a fatal injury to the so-called renegade. On his deathbed, he tells Amaryllis he and her mother are proud of her, then dies in her arms."

Tears were now clinging to her face, rolling over her cheeks and over the tear that seemed frozen there. During all this time Mylena had stared into emptiness, but now she locked her eyes with Saevel's, mesmerizing him into listening to the end. "Overcome by rage, despair, and all but destroyed by the Council's betrayal, Amaryllis rides like a storm back to Glorious Highmoon, into her representative's room. There he draws his weapon and decides to end the career of their not-so-perfect assassin. He dies by the Esmenaya of Amaryllis' real family, and she escapes into the wild, decided to make any responsible dearly pay for their scheme. They say she has been looking for them ever since..." Her tears had dried as if by magic, leaving only a single glistening drop down her left eye. She was now staring coldly at him.

"Such is the story of Mylena of Highmoon?" Saevel asked.

"Frozentear" she corrected. "Mylena Frozentear. It's the Esmenaya's name."

How fitting, grinned Saevel.

"But most importantly, it's your story" she added. "You're but a weapon. A highly trained assassin, with a sharp blade and a hardened mind, closed to everything but what the Council has to say. And someday, maybe in a very near future, they will push you too far, they will underestimate you, and that day, dear friend, that day will be a painful awakening. And all the ones after that..." she sighted, softening her features somewhat.

A feeling of great emptiness was beginning to overcome Saevel.

Closing his eyes, he felt a tear roll down his own cheek. He fought it. Purpose. He had purpose. Even if that purpose was a lie, it was still better than what that woman lived for: Vengeance. She was intent to murder anyone she considered responsible for her pain. He had a purpose, and this purpose was to stop her.

Weakly getting on his feet, he grasped his trusty longsword and cast a glance on his environment. It was a light forest with a nearby river, with the splashing sound of a waterfall, all of it lit by the blessed moonlight. A fit place for a duel, he thought. A fit place to die. "Mylena Frozentear,” he announced, "I have come here under orders from the High Council of Highmoon to retrieve and arrest the renegade sword dancer named Mylena of Highmoon. I have been explicitly ordered to execute you myself should you resist. Please follow me" he was now standing fully erect, his strength flowing back to his muscle. Tears were burning his eyes as he was looking upon the most perfect woman.

"You know I will not surrender" she replied in surprise. "Please, I have no wish to fight you."

Saevel sadly addressed her a classic duelist's salute. "In that case, I am ready to die." Purpose or nothing. He knew now he would cling to his purpose with greater conviction than to his life. She saw it too.

"We don't have to do this..." Mylena repeated, but Saevel would answer no more.

Saevel launched the first assault, forcing Mylena into drawing her weapon to parry the blows she could not dodge. Seeing she would stay on the defensive, Saevel varied his attacks, making her retreat toward the river. She tried to gain the advantage and make him back up but he would have none of it. He had trained his whole life for a trial like this, and he was too strong to falter now. Continuing his relentless assault, he made her retreat all the way to the riverbank. When she could retreat no more, Mylena tried to feint low to then pommel him in the face, but Saevel saw it and lunged instead of parrying. First blood was his. Mylena's thigh showed a little red through the fabric of her pants. Surprised, she took a step back, and lost foot on the slippery riverbank. Saevel seized the opportunity and went for the heart, but Mylena was faster. Instead of trying to regain her balance, she let herself fall to the ground, allowing Saevel's sword to pass above her head. Honed by years of running the wild, every survival reflex in Mylena screamed for a riposte. And she did. Without thinking about it, she plunged her gleaming esmenaya through Saevel's chest.

Saevel dropped to the ground, dying. "I lost" he said, a sad smile on his lips.

Mylena was crying over his body, her sword planted in the ground next to them, her hands clasping his. "Why?" she whispered, tears rolling down her face and on his wound.

"Because my purpose is greater than I am" he smiled, looking up at her. And his sparkling eyes became fixed.

***
Many, many years later.

The crafty old teacher got up with some difficulty. Although he did have somewhat weak knees, he enjoyed exaggerating it for theatrical purposes. "According to the legend, Amaryllis' icy heart thawed for Saevel during a short moment that day, and her frozen tear that had become the symbol of her pain and her drive for vengeance melted during a second before freezing again, this time longer by an inch."

Three sparrows where perched on an oak, singing their lively tune. A soothing wind had arisen from the north. The once-blazing sun was beginning its course toward the Western mountains. The sweet fragrance of moonflowers filled the circle of students.

One of them broke the reverie. "Is it true there is always a foundation to legends?" asked Quillathe, a young elf who had been taken into care by a famous sword dancer.
"Yes, I like to think so" answered the all-knowing elf, a sad look on his face.
"How did the story of Lady Amaryllis end?" asked an impatient student.
"That, dear student, is a story better told another day" said the teacher. "Off you go, now, back to your other classes".

While the young elves where gathering their things and readying for their next class, a red-haired elf stepped from behind a tree and strode toward the old elf. "I love hearing you tell that story" she said with a lovely smile and a warm tear at the corner of her eyes.

"Oh, all credit goes to the author" he answered her with a knowledgeable look.

THE END
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Okay! Comments, Criticism, Constructive Criticism, all are welcome! What do you think?

Posted By: Sir Malaam of Highmoon Nov 01, 2004 - 12:41 pm

Allright, all three parts of "Tears of Loyalty" are now on the forum. I'd be very interested in knowing what you think. I promise it's worth the read!

Posted By: Bmat Nov 01, 2004 - 01:40 pm

It might be best to keep the narration in past tense, the present tense used in part of it is distracting.

"where she had expressed interest" is awkward although understandable.

"who by all records let her " left her?

"any other emotion any real parent" that any real parent?

part of the time you capitalize Esmenaya and part not.

When she jerked back and let his head fall. I pictured his head resting in her lap, I couldn't think how jerking back would mean removing her lap from under his head. A jerk back would mean her arms and upper body, I think. To jerk back her lap seems difficult.

"Honed by years of running the wild"- years of training, too. I wonder if years of running the wild would necessarily cause her reflex. Maybe fighting for survival in the wild.

"Three sparrows where perched on an oak, singing their lively tune." were perched. Maybe a rewording would smooth it out- Three singing sparrows perched nearby. Actually, I'd say a rewording of the whole paragraph would help. The students sat silently as the story ended. A soothing wind.... Some birds cast their song into the soothing wind... The interval I think needs something about those who heard the story being silent.


"Weakly getting on his feet, he grasped his trusty longsword and cast a glance on his environment. " I'd say remove the word "trusty", and change environment to surroundings.

"Tears were now clinging to her face, rolling over her cheeks and over the tear that seemed frozen there." It comes out shortly what this means, but the first time I read it I got confused. Perhaps "a" tear? or rewording to emphasize what is meant, since it is an important part of the story. - one of her tears seemed frozen to her face?-

I'd leave out lovely from lovely smile, perhaps smiling gently,...

"and readying for their next class" gathering their things in preparation for their next class, There's some lack of smoothness here.

It is a pleasant story to read, and it flows as such a tale should.

Posted By: Sir Malaam of Highmoon Nov 02, 2004 - 03:05 pm

Thanks for the critique!

Aahhh, the infamous present tense. Everybody is against it, yet I hold onto it. I want to use it as a break in the story. From that point on, Mylena is living the tale, not merely telling it. And I want the reader to become lost in the story. I am trying to create a similar effect to Athos' tale, in the Disney version of "The Three Musketeer".

Esmenaya... what do you think of this name? Originally, this story was set in a shared fantasy world, the Forgotten Realms, and the sword was a Moonblade, a name I really like. But when I cut all ties to that world, all I could find was some elven-like name. Anyways, I'll try to correct to discrepancies!

The sparrows paragraph. Yup, this paragraph has seen a lot less reworking than the rest of the story. Originally, it was not there; I decided to include it later when I thought I should stretch the moment when the tale ended. It's meant to reminisce us of Saevel, since he used to notice things like that.

The story of Mylena's tear is in Part II...

Again, thanks a lot, Bmat!

Posted By: Bmat Nov 02, 2004 - 03:17 pm

You are welcome.

I agree that the idea of having the students sit silently is a good idea, and the sounds of nature going on around them is effective.

I like the name Esmenaya. In section 2 I noticed also that sometimes it is capitalized and sometimes not.

Posted By: T_Tibke Nov 03, 2004 - 03:16 pm

I also liked this story. A few notes from myself on the setting.

I like the class of 'sword dancer', but since most of the characters in this are elvish, what do you think of having an elvish word for it also? Something they can refer to when speaking to one another and such. In Tolkein's elvish, perhaps Megilindë or Macilindë, meaning: sword singer or maybe Dínmegil or Dínmacil, which means: silent sword. Unfortunately I don't know the word for dance or dancer. Of course, you would likely want a different word than these, but just some brain seeds.

The ogres seem to play at least some part, but we know very little of what your ogres look like, or where they come from or why they roam in the area around Highmoon, or how far away we are from Highmoon in the first place.

And, was Mylena completely naked when she was fighting the ogres still? I wasn't sure.

And... what happened to the kids? I kind of got lost there, since you hadn't mentioned their names since Part 1 (I think). This might just be me though.

Overall, very memorable! I like it. It's the first full short story I've read since I've been here.

Posted By: Omnivexed Nov 20, 2004 - 07:46 am

I get too lost in stories to notice problems, I either correct it or read it, though it seems between Bmat and T_Tibke there'll be no errors left. Really just wanted to add my humble opinion that it was a great story, I tend to enjoy novels more than short stories simply to put off the endings. After reading this though I felt like I had read a novel, keep up the good work.

Posted By: Middy Jan 13, 2005 - 10:47 am

It was a real good story I especially like the title "Tears of Loyality." I wasn't really paying attention to errors Bmat usually covers that. Overall keep it up. I hope you make a part 4.