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Posted By: Queen Ehlana Nov 02, 2004 - 06:50 pm

So I've decided to post something from my novel... This scene is nothing special, except that it's the beginning and needs to be particularly attractive. I'm not asking anyone to read it all... But if I could get some criticism on style (which only requires reading a few paragraphs), that would be nice. I'd like to know if anyone thinks the references to culture/future are too weak... I know that sometimes I read novels that start out trying to immerse you in a bunch of background info, and it's a bit tedious.

Merci d'avance !

~-~


A cool, unhurried wind swept through the trees, sending a wave of leaves drifting down to the earth. The girl shivered and hugged herself as the autumn chill passed over her little body. Looking down at the leaf-strewn floor from her crouched position on a rotten log, she listened to the crunching sound of her brothers’ feet, the crisp clatter of their wooden weapons striking one another. Ah, how she longed to join them in their sword-fight. But alas, it could not be proper for a girl to play such games.

Raising her head again, Izhok heard a final swish of air and a sharp splintering sound coming from the weapon of her youngest brother, Zialt. As the broken-off piece flew up and landed near her, she jumped reflexively to her feet. The momentary joy on Zialt's face faded into a sigh.

“I guess we’d better head back home,” he professed, catching his breath.

“Indeed, Brother,” the elder conceded. “It was a good match, though.” He slapped his brother on the chest in a gesture of respect. Then he tossed the branch away, grinned at Zialt, and took off running out of the forest.

About to follow, the second brother suddenly turned toward his sister. “Coming, Izhok?”

The girl shrugged and turned away, still thinking about the forbidden.

“Oh, well… If you don’t get home in time for dinner, I get to eat your food,” he reminded her with a smug smile. Then he took off after his brother.

As the sound of footsteps faded into the distance, Izhok picked up the discarded stick and tentatively hefted it. With a defiant smile to herself, she swung it back over her shoulder and then slashed it through the air with all her might, listening to the low resistance of air. The young girl's hair stood on end in her excitement. She hadn't done anything like that since she had been beaten with a belt nearly two years ago for disobeying her brothers' orders.

Izhok began to form a story in her head. Her opponent was a tall warrior in dramatic leather armor. In a few movements, she ran him through, savored the pain on his face, and then healed him, as any good sister would do. The story progressed for a few minutes before she realized that it was getting colder as the world around her dimmed. Then she propped the stick up against a tree where she would find it another day and regretfully turned back toward home.

Before Izhok could walk more than a few steps, she heard a momentary rustling in the leaves ahead to the right. The girl stopped, goose bumps spreading across her skin. It’s just a raccoon, she told herself, shivering. As she started to move again, an enormous, tawny cat padded into view. Izhok froze in horror as the creature stared at her with glazed eyes. She had heard of the jaguar before and had no doubt in her mind. The adolescent cat, standing nearly as tall as the girl, moved slowly toward her without appearing to take much notice of her, but terror had already seized her. She turned and fled, snatching up the stick on her way. Behind her, she heard a low moaning sound and then the rush of trampled leaves. Adrenaline screaming through her little body as she thought of death, Izhok raced through the woods without looking back. She dodged branches and broke through tangles of vines and brushwood with her weapon.

As the child approached a thick log, she leapt onto it, lost her balance, and slid to the ground. The foliaged earth sucked her back to reality. She heard no footsteps behind her. A pain soared into her consciousness. Unable to move her leg, Izhok flopped over into a sitting position and saw the blood flow over her knee. After a few seconds, the pain abated considerably, and she found that she could suddenly bend her leg again. Then she twisted around nervously and scanned the forest for any sign of the jaguar. Darkness had tentatively taken its throne over the forest. Izhok looked suspiciously into the obscurity, conceiving images of huge, camouflage cats in every direction.

Beyond her own heavy breathing, only the lively chirping of insects disturbed the dimming woods. Though she wondered where the jaguar had gone, all that mattered was that she was alive and safe—for the moment.

Bits of bark spilled over her shoulders from the beech tree hanging over her, though no wind disturbed the canopy. Looking up to catch a glimpse of a squirrel or some other arborial creature, instead she found a strange-looking woman sitting on a branch overhead. The young woman, who seemed to be barely more than a girl, was looking curiously at the half-bare trees around her. She had her fairly short, dark brown hair wadded up behind her head in a bizarre fashion, and the thin, white robe that hung down over the branch implied that she came from either a wealthy family or the priesthood. The amazing sight of this stranger numbed Izhok's wounds.

As if on impulse, the mysterious one fixed her eyes on Izhok, a gaze which somewhat reawakened her fear, but the girl merely returned it. After a moment, the slight smile that appeared on the stranger's face relaxed Izhok, who looked back at her knee wishing to be home right now.

"Kaits," the woman greeted her softly, hesitantly.

Izhok looked up. "Kaits," she murmured, with an inclination of her head.

"I-zhok." The strange woman seemed to be testing the word. "I am Tsuvan," she informed the girl in a lilting accent. Suddenly, she looked at the blood on the girl's leg, grabbed the branch she was sitting on firmly, and swung down some twelve feet from the tree. Her legs scarcely bent beneath her as she landed, and she almost sprung over to the tense girl rather intrusively. "Ah, I understand. This is perfect." Taking a cloth that appeared from her sleeve, the woman squatted down and wiped away the blood with unusual force and then crudely wrapped the cloth around the girl's little knee. When she had finished, she looked back at the girl with an amused smile. "Well met, my child."

The girl stared at her. "Thanks, Sister," she finally mumbled timidly. "Where are you from?"

"Ah, what a difficult question." Tsuvan looked around thoughtfully. "I come from the earth. Yes, yes, just like you."

"But we come from the universe," she said, baffled. "Don't we?"

With a sigh, the robed one shifted her feet, facing her body into the increasing gloom. "Child, I don't want to keep you too long. But you must know that something is very wrong here. We sense it in the atmosphere. It's in you." She looked back to meet Izhok's eyes.

Overcome with wonder and confusion, the fear had dissipated from the girl. "Who are you people?" she demanded.

"People? Oh, I am the only person I speak of. But I speak for the universe—for the gods. I know I will leave you with many questions, but you must understand that I represent Danit." She paused. Izhok, of course, recognized the name of the Mother goddess. "There is something wrong with the universe. Time is not following the script anymore. We have traced the beginnings of it back to you. We don't know yet what this means, but we need you. Stay alive, Izhok. You would have been injured much worse than you are, but that jaguar has been affected as well. It's like an epidemic; it spreads quickly."

Meanwhile, Izhok had only vaguely comprehended some of Tsuvan's words. She stared at the woman in both horror and awe, trying to take it all in. What could it mean that something was wrong with the universe? What exactly was a script? However, only one sentence had really captured her attention. "So you are a priestess! But why do you speak with such an accent?"

Tsuvak's brow creased in bafflement for a moment. “Well, I’m not your typical priestess. I don’t worship or promote my goddess. Rather I am a missionary of the gods. I exist solely to speak to you.”

Her eyes widening, Izhok realized that her lifelong suspicions that she was special were confirmed. “Me?” she said dreamily.

Tsuvak winked at her. “Yes, you. Mind you, this is all an accident, as far as we can tell. Now listen to me. The redemption of the universe may depend on you. If the situation were less serious, I would not be here, but right now the gods are not at ease. We must do things the hard way. And ‘we’ includes you. This may be fruitless to tell a girl of your age, but try not to get too attached to things here. I may be returning.”

“What do you mean ‘the hard way’? What is wrong with the gods?” Suddenly the thought struck Izhok that the universe might be ending, and a deep chill ran through her thin body.

“It is rather complicated, my child. You do not live in a time of science.” The young woman sighed and then reached out to rub her acquaintance comfortingly on the shoulder. However, the good intentions of the touch were somewhat stifled by the lack of tenderness. “If only I could explain it to you…” After a pause, she muttered to herself almost inaudibly: “Then I could know joy.”

“Why? Please tell me, Sister. Maybe I will understand,” she endeavored for the information. But Tsuvan turned her head in a negative gesture. “Alright then. What did you mean about science?”

“Well, one could get an idea of how the gods live through science, but at your level of knowledge, I cannot tell you anything.”

“My mum says science is a human creation,” the girl protested eagerly.

The priestess smiled warmly at Izhok. “Do not worry about it, Izhok-ach,” she advised the girl with an affectionate suffix. “We don’t have time to answer all of your questions, but keep asking them. Keep your mind open, and take care to understand your destiny like none before you.” These words seemed to make sense enough, though Izhok still felt quite mystified.

At the point, the priestess hopped gracefully to her feet and offered a hand to her. “I will lead you to the edge of the forest, if you wish,” she suggested as Izhok raised herself up. Although the girl increasingly noticed the coldness of the forest which had now been completely consumed in night, she felt that Tsuvak’s hand was enviably warm, seemingly verging on hot. As they began their journey toward the home of Izhok, the girl wanted to lean into the priestess for warmth, for protection from the fall night, but timidity kept her from demanding such a gift. During the entire trip back, she just wished that the priestess, who was entirely unaware, would put an arm around her. Little did the child know what forces compelled her; it seemed perfectly natural that she already felt a friendship in this unfamiliar person.

As they approached the shadowy edge of the forest, Tsuvan slowed down and then stopped. “Can you make it home from here?”

Izhok had been growing apprehensive about the darkness. The cloudy sky provided little light, and now the mile-long walk home seemed like an ocean of quicksand. “Yeah, I think so,” she said reluctantly, filling with dread. The stranger who had just a while ago made her nervous now seemed like a comforting guardian.

“Alright, girl. If the problem persists, I shall return here someday, any day. Or perhaps it shall be another messenger from the gods.” Tsuvan smiled again in that strange manner of hers and put her arms around Izhok in a loose, awkward hug. At last she whispered “abh ai akt” in farewell, turned and sped back into the forest like a phantom. Her passing left Izhok with an ominous feeling as she listened to the fading rustle of leaves. In turn, the girl also faced her fate and started off toward home. Before long, the chilling night around her sent her into a sprint. She ran for her life, regardless of her knee.

~-~

© L.L.G.

Posted By: Lothos Nov 05, 2004 - 12:13 pm

It feels a bit rushed to me, as though you had to condense it greatly before posting it.

The dialog between Izhok and Tsuvan doesn't flow naturally. Perhaps a few of the questions that Izhok has posed would be better off left for the second encounter between the two?

"Where are you from?" Hmmm... maybe this is what makes the dialog seem unnatural, because it shouldn't have been the first question out of her mouth. Perhaps "Who are you?" would be a better way to start a conversation.

When you write do you keep a thesaurus near you?

It was an enjoyable read, but as far as style, I don't believe there was enough writing in this piece to define it.

And what exactly happened to her knee? I thought she might have broken it, but no one runs home on a leg that can't hold them up.

Posted By: Queen Ehlana Nov 05, 2004 - 09:03 pm

Thanks for your comments, Lothos!

Well, the girl is thinking about where the woman is from because Tsuvan had a foreign accent, and most priests are born into the class... Yeah, I had written a sentence about that, but then I never ended up fitting in. I think you're right. I need to clear that up a bit. However, I don't think I'll move any of the questions... Their next encounter isn't until a few years later (probably several chapters in the story).

No, I don't exactly "keep" a thesaurus near me. I just use the one on the program. Why? Is my vocabulary that bad? I told myself I was going to study vocabulary every day I write, but I always forget or just don't have time.

And I did state in the scene that she was able to bend her leg again, so it's not broken. She just skinned her knee on the ground (I always did that when I was a kid). Have you ever fallen on your knee and felt this searing pain and couldn't get up, and then you tried again a few seconds later and had no problem? That happened to me once or twice.

It's rushed, eh? Hmm... Well, I do like to keep things short, but in this case I thought that the beginning should be moving. There were some other things I could have said, but I didn't want the first scene to contain too much background info. Maybe I didn't put enough? Maybe I'm just doing something wrong because my other two scenes are strangely short as well, though I feel like I put a lot of info into them.

Wow... Thanks again. You've helped a lot already. This is the first time I've ever asked for criticism on any story I've worked on.

Posted By: Lothos Nov 06, 2004 - 03:39 am

I'm not much, but I'm glad you appreciate my insight. Especially since now I look for your critique on everything here. lol

So you did have to shorten the piece, and in this case, that one line seems to have taken away a lot more. I wonder what it was?

Background information is fine, so long as you do it in a way that the reader isn't bogged down by it, so it was a good thing that you didn't put in too much. Tolkien gives me a headache every time I pick up Lord of the Rings.

And as for your language, it isn't bad, but it seems as though you changed out a few words in the piece that broke the flow altogether. I used to "polish" my writing like this but in the end it only works against a writer trying to develop his or her personal style. If you didn't do this, then I'm sorry, I must be out of it.

For the record: I have skinned my knee, though it has been a number of years since my childhood and I don't quite remember not being able to get up.^^

Posted By: Queen Ehlana Nov 07, 2004 - 07:16 am

Yeah, I changed a few words. I think I can pick the weird ones out. LOL... I guess I will get rid of them before I let my teacher read this. It was much worse when I started writing a really long piece at the age of 12. I used the word "ogled" for "looked."

I also don't want the background info to "break the flow." Sometimes it's hard to find a way to throw that in there without feeling like I'm branching off completely. I think LotR was worse for it's seriousness. I couldn't even read two chapters of The Silmarillion.