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Posted By: Twilight Nov 12, 2004 - 02:28 pm

Hello everyone,
This is my first post and the first time i have put my writing online, so be nice. Basically i have written a very big comedy/fantasy novel but the computer it is on has broken. So why that is being fixed, i decided to put my hand to a short story. This is Episode 1 of 8, Any feedback would be great.

Thanks, hope you enjoy it.

Simon

P.S

All the lines and text have gone funny, so i had to redo them for the forum, so some things that i missed may seem on the wrong line.


The Martial Way


Episode 1: Magick Water of Mountains Peak


A young scruffy haired boy no older than thirteen years old uncontrollably Sprinted like a mad man or in this case a mad boy down the biggest mountain in all the land. We are not talking forty feet up; we are talking fore thousand feet and he was only half way up. The path was very tight and in some places only a shoulder distance apart, a fin layer of dust made the path into an obstacle course hiding rocks and the numerous potholes that riddle the way. One trip at this height would send the young boy surely to his
death.

Running down a winding mountain path that descended around a tight cliff face was not something a smart person would normally do. If someone came up to you and said "Hey, your a smart person. Would you like to have a suicidal dash down the biggest mountain in all the land?" I think a life loving person would most likely turn down this idea in the nicest possible way. If by some extremely strange reason you said "Yes, that sounds like fun" I think you might take some rope, people to help you,
climbing equipment possibly a parachute and to be really careful you might put a net at the bottom in case you fell but in any case you would not attempt to go up and down the mountain in half a day.

If you had the misfortune to ever meet our senseless hero Sky, and then asked if he was a smart person his reply would be that he was Semi-smart, and the type of person who says that are listed just above McDonald’s managers and just below gold fish in the stupid persons guy for answers. McDonald’s managers are in the bottom ten of the book because there the ones who reply with "I would not know how to answer that questions" and then they go on to say "if you try hard enough you can one day be
just like me".

Sky being only Semi-Smart might have something to do with why his clothes had been torn apart and
hung from his body and it could be related to why he was dirty and bruised, ironically it was. Children have the habit of thinking they are better or smarter than other children, When Xander, one of the other special children at Sky's school said to Sky during a heater debate 'You are neither smart, brave or
tough' and Sky Replied with.
'Yes I am, I will prove it' Which was the response the young Xander had wanted so quickly added whilst he had the upper hand 'You want to prove it, then climb to Mountains peak and get the Magick Water' Which Xander new was not allowed, Sky on the other hand did not. The only person allowed to climb to Mountains peak was Master Chen, and to prove his dumbness, I mean braveness Sky accepted his
challenge.

Earlier this morning when the sun was breaking over the horizon Sky had managed to persuade his long time training partner and best friend Max to accompany him. Of course to do this Sky had to bend the truth just a little, leading Max to believe they where going to a party where there would be lots of lovely young ladies. Max being Max did not work out that Sky had lied to him for quite a while, it was around lunchtime when the reached the summit of the Mountain, that is where the duo found themselves in a mighty battle for there lives with the guardians of the Magick Water, still Max did not click. It was not
till that point when the badly beaten Max was making his own way back down the mountain that he first had the idea that maybe, just maybe Sky had told him a pack of lies, Still he was not completely sure.
Poor max, the guy had the I.Q of a peanut.

Double-checking the wooden cork was still firmly lodges in the spout of the brown clay Jar that hung from Sky's black belt around his waist; Sky was satisfied he had got what he came for. Today had been a pretty good day, he had traveled up to Mountains peak, not something allot of people could do and he done it in a quarter of a day, then he did was Sky loved the most. Fighting. And believe me he was put threw his paces, Sky had also managed to get his hands on the Magick water which would prove he was better than Xander and if he hurried he could be home before dinner to cap off a good day but for a while now something had been nibbling away at him, no not fleas. Something was not right, what was it?

'Was it something to do with the Mountain?' Thought Sky.
'No, been there and done that' something else came to him.
'Something to do with the Magick Water' He tapped the Jar once again to double check it was there.
Again it was not that.
'Something to do with my clothes' Sky looked down at his body, his little black rubber shoes where still on his feet, his blue martial art pants where still there, yes they where hardly recognizable with all the rips in but they where there, Sky check the black belt, still there and finished off by examining his white vest. His clothes where not the answer.
'It's not my clothes, what am I forgetting, any ideas Max?' Sky came to an abrupt stop glancing around, he was alone.

'Whoops!'

Sky just worked out what was missing, Where had Max gone? Max was with Sky when they reached
the plateau of the Mountain; He was also there when the fighting started. Closing his eyes Sky replayed the fight in his minds eye. They both entered an old temple ruins that resides on Mountain Peak, Something Master Chen never told them about. In the very center of the Temple was a fountain, in the middle of the fountains stood a stone shrine and on top of that shrine stood the Jar of Magick Water.

When the young friends left the temple with the Magick Water, Max was there, Sky remembers this
because he was the one who said "hello" to one of the shadowy figures which Sky put down as the
Water's Guardians, That was when the fighting started. During the fight there was a point when they got split up, Sky was fighting two guardians near the edge. The young skilled warrior could just see Max and he was having trouble with one of the Guardians. That was the last time Sky remembers seeing him, it was when the guardians realized Sky had the water, they all attacked him, five in total. That is when he lost sight of Max, it was not his fault, one of the guardians wrestled Sky off the top of the Mountain.
When Sky came to he was alone, half his body dangling off the path, he still had the jar but the shadowy figure that fell with him had gone. Not once did he realize about Max, he just carried on down the Mountain.

'Does that mean Max is still up at the top, do the Guardians have him?' Sky's light blue eyes scrolled back up to the mountains peak, for a brief second his face was that of disbelief but quickly formed into a smile and his eyes filled with joy they could have lit up the darkest corner of someplace really dark, like a shed that's light bulb did not work whilst in a storm, outside of town, underground. This means he
would have to go all the way back up and fight the guardians again.
'Bliss' Chirped Sky.
The Young Warrior spun one hundred and eighty degrees on the spot leaving a cloud of dust as he
double-timed his way back up the mountain.

The base of the mountain spanned over seventy miles in diameter that is why it was so big, the peak was close to the edge of space and the clouds where passed at the three quarter mark. Many say it is the biggest mountain in all the land, in truth it was most likely the biggest mountain in the entire world. Unlike the rest of Mountain the very peak had obviously be changed by man, the entire surface was flat and instead of mountain rock the floor was of some white stone. In the middle of the white Stone
Mountain peak was a gigantic Temple complex, which today rested in ruins. For most part the ceilings had gone, there where no doors and no fully erected outer walls, big white concrete slabs stood alone where they had been forced out but oddly as it sounds, it still looked in good condition for a mass of ruins.

A narrow path lead between two rows of pillars that would once have held a roof to the entrance of the enormous complex, Carefully Sky made his way down the path, always keeping an eye open for any signs of movement.
'Max?' Whispered Sky in an attempt to not draw attention, his words echoed threw the temple ruins. If anyone was inside they now knew he was here. Moving further down the path Sky continued to whisper Max's name. Still no reply.

Passing threw the pillared entrance Sky moved into what would have been a lobby, looking down on the floor Sky saw something he had missed before, there was a picture but he could not see what of, time had faded the colors and without walls the air had cracked the floor. Several corridors lead out of the Lobby ruins, Sky had already been here earlier in the day, he knew which way to go. Heading down the second corridor on his right Sky creped threw the ruins; the walls had been damaged in this area so he
could see out onto the Mountains white surface. Taking a Left off the corridor Sky moved into a side passage that lead back onto a much wider corridor, with what remained of the walls they reached higher up as if this area was of a different design. And there is was, in the center of a round room at the end of the corridor, the fountain with the stone statue where the jar of Magick Water use to be. Sky came to a stop in the room, no one was here.
'Anyone here, anyone at all?' Sighed Sky. He was looking forward to a fight.

Turning to move something caught Sky's eye. He turned back, 'what was that?'

Squinting his eyes Sky tried to stare passed the Darkness, which was odd because it was not there when he entered. A shape seemed to come into focus out of the Shadows it was a wall.
'A wall! That was not there a minute ago'
Relaxing his eyes everything came into focus and now the entire room seemed to be complete. A roof
with pictured stain glass windows, walls with half circle windows all designed so that the light from outside landed on where the Jug full of Magick water should be resting. This made Sky feel a little uncomfortable and that was his cue to leave.

Slowly backing out of the fountain room, Sky moved into the corridor, this to had it's walls back,portraits of various people hanged from the smooth white walls, the entire upper room was a window, benches lined the walls. It was as if people would sit here for the view. Sky still steadily backed up, his eyes transfixed on the fountain room, everything had turned into how it once was apart from the far wall, and it was still dark. What happened next was something Sky would never forget, The Darkness slid down the wall and onto the floor and into a pool of Darkness. Then pool of Darkness started
moving in his direction, reaching the fountain the pool split into two separate ink drop looking puddles and sloped it's way around the fountain base where is reunited in the entrance of the fountain room.

Standing shocked and nervous Sky waited, this was not something he was imagining but he wished it
were. For a second there was a brief silence, the only sound was Sky's thumping heart. A figure rose up out of the pool of darkness, decreasing it in mass. The figure was a silhouette of a warrior that was, this was the person who he had fought before. Straight away a second, then a third, forth and finally the fifth shadow warrior formed out of the pool which had been split into the five warriors.

'Hi, have you seen my friend Max, I think I left him around here somewhere' Asked Sky, scratching the back of his scruffy long hair.
'Get Out!' Screamed a demonic voice. They did not have to ask twice, Sky was gone. True are young
warrior was brave but he was not stupid, remember he is semi-smart. When Shadows start turning into people, ruins turn into buildings and scary voices appear of nowhere then that may be the best time to leave. Sky was already well ahead of us. He had left the windowed ceiling corridor, passed threw the side passage and was back onto the corridor linked to the lobby, it to
was fully rebuild, flaming torches on the wall and all. Finally Sky reached the temple lobby and came to a stop.
'Wow’ Muttered Sky. The view was breath taking.

Sixty feet up on the doom roof was a storyboard of artwork explaining a graphic battle that had taken place with the residence of the temple. Looking down Sky examined the pictured floor it had been restored to how it was. The picture was fully complete. Two warriors tied up in battle, one a beast the other a young man; it seemed to draw him in.
The entire room was rounded much like the fountain room; it's walls where white with golden lines leading from the picture on the roof to the picture on the floor. It was like a timeline, starting off with hundreds of lines coming across the entire room. The lines broke into other lines, then again as if it where a family tree. One quarter of the way down half of the lines stopped, the rest continued.

Again the golden lines continued, breaking off into other lines. Until three quarters of the way down only two lines remained the rest had stopped. The Two lines Continued down parallel to one another, at about three feet off the floor one of the lines created six others and continued down. Moving down several inches two of the six new lines stopped, as did both of the original lines. Now four golden lines moved downwards until they reached the floor, three blossomed into golden flowers the forth moved from the wall into the picture of the beast in the center of the floor. What this meant, Sky did not know and at the current time did not want to know, he had more important things on his mind.

Running across the lobby his footsteps echoed around the eye-catching room. The way he had come in was blocked off. Two thick wooden doors shut together, he might have been able to open them if not for the long rectangle wooden lock that rested across the doors out of Sky's reach. Sky had a much chance as escaping now as he did getting into a trendy wine club.

Twisting around Sky searched for another exit to the temple, it was to late. All five-shadow warriors stood around him. Sky's heart thumped like a four handed drummer on speed, where had they come from? He should have heard them running after him. The Shadow warriors looked the same but they felt different to Sky, it was if they had been changed, Sky could not understand it, which was not unusual, he did not understand many things.
To Recap Sky was brave, and because he was only semi-smart in this situation he done something many people would class as stupid. Being a young student of a martial art school who's sole purpose in life from his view was to fight, instead of running away or maybe attempting to hand over the magick water, Sky who was not the brightest of people gave a cheeky smile and in one motion leap forward releasing a lighting strike left hand at the face of the middle shadow warrior.

Sky did not really see what happened next, he remembered the shadow warrior tilting his head a little so that Sky just punched air. What Sky did not see was the right fist of the shadow fighter hitting him in the chest, he felt it but did not see it. Sky was a lucky boy; if he was anybody else he may now be dead.
Lying on the white concrete floor shivering from the cold mountain air Sky was hurt. The shadows
punch must have smashed him threw the thick wooden double doors then sent him crashing threw the long pillars entrance corridor and onto the cold hard floor.

Small drops of blood dripped from open wounds on both of his kneecaps as our winded hero achingly
pulled him up off the floor it was very clear to him that these shadow warriors where much stronger
than the ones he had encountered earlier, how they increased in ability so much was what Sky wanted to know but he was very unlikely to go up and ask them.

Finally vertical Sky stumbled forward, that punch had effected him more than he thought, instinctively he went straight into his fighting stance, both legs looking like a sprinter ready to bust forward in the Olympics. One hand in a claw position just millimeters from his hip the other stretched out in front of him, this to was also in a claw position the arm was slightly bent in the elbow. This was Master Chen's unique style, it lined the entire body up with the opponent, and no matter what move you did you never lost sight of your enemy. Sky was lining himself up with the Spirit that punched him but when he looked up they had gone, as had the temple, it was just a mass of ruins. Looking down he noticed the Jar of Magick Water was gone, what had happened, did he pass out, if so for how long?

At this point a normal person would have thought "Lets call it quits" because you would be battered and bruised, sore as anything. It was time to inform the wisest person Sky knew, Master Chen. Unfortunately Sky was not a normal person, His plan was to go back inside to grab the Jar and search for Max. To Sky this was like a day in Disney land, all of this was training, tomorrow he would be so much better from the experience and that's what it was all about.

Limping the first step forward towards the temple something grabbed Sky's wrist, are heroic yet stupid young warrior twisted around, one fist primed on his hip, Sky believed one of the shadow warriors had returned, Sky released the punch. Standing just to one side of Sky was an old man whose baldhead reflected the bright White Mountain peak floor. The Old man's clothes where not that of a fashionable person, a white belt separated the black martial arts pants and matching top. Calm and relaxed the old
man grabbed Sky's fist with the greatest of ease before it was fully extended, sending the power back down the boys arm, he would not be using that for a day or two. Countering with an attack of his own the Old Man slapped Sky over the back of the head, nearly knocking his teeth out his mouth.

'Master Chen!' Chirruped the guilty looking Sky.
'You should know better than that, control your attacks' Chen Replied, shaking his head. If there were something to be learnt Master Chen would point it out.
'Sorry master I thought you where a ghost man'
'A Ghost?'
Another slap to the head
'You should know better than that, don't make up stories'
'Honestly Master Chen, a whole bunch of ghosts came out of the ruins and started fighting me, all
because I took a Jar of Water'
'You should know better than that'
Another slap
'Stealing is wrong'
'I was not stealing just borrowing, once I showed Xander I would have brought it back'
Slap
'You should know better than that, Stealing is wrong no matter what the reason'
'Sorry Master Chen, it's just Xander said I could not get the Jar, So I came and got it but when I was going back to the school I remember Max was still up here because the Ghosts took him, so I came back to get Max'
Slap!
'You should know better than that. What have I told you about lying, Max is at home'
'What? That can't be'
Slap!
'You should know better than that, questioning your master'
As Sky turned away rubbing the back of his already sore head, Master Chen waved his throbbing hand in the air, Sky's hard head felt like hitting a brick wall.
'Sorry Master Chen, it's just I was worried. I thought the Ghosts had him'

Sla...

Sky ducked Master Chen's hand and gave his patented cheeky grin. Master Chen simply switched hands, Slapping Sky with the left instead.
'I know, I know' Grumbled Sky, rubbing his head 'I Should Know better than that'

Slap!

'You should know better than that. Fighting is not always about muscles, if your in trouble use your head next time, come and get me to help you, your not all powerful Sky, When will you learn this? I swear you will be the death of me'
'Yes mas..'

Slap!

'Ouch! What was that for'
'That was for ducking earlier, now know more talk of Ghosts'
'Of Course Master Chen, It's just I don’t know... when I came here earlier with Max I could beat them but when I came back they where so much harder'
'What? You could beat them?' Asked Master Chen. Looking a little surprised.

Twisting Sky around the Master and Student turned away from the temple 'Come on, let's go home'
Slowing walking away Master Chen took one last glance at the temple, Could Sky had really matched
the shadow warriors, the very idea played on Master Chen's mind. Unknown to Sky, hidden deep within the shadows of the old temple someone was watching our young hero with much interest.

Slap!

'Why now?'
'That was is in advance, just incase you think of doing something stupid'
'Well Master, I don't think your constant slaps to my head help'

Slap!

'Ouch!'
'You should know better than that. Talking back to your Master'


To be continued...

Posted By: Twilight Nov 13, 2004 - 12:30 pm

lol, anyone?

Posted By: Twilight Nov 14, 2004 - 01:57 pm

Hi all,
I guess my short story is kind of long which is mostly likely why no one has given any good or bad points on it.

If anyone could read maybe a couple of lines and tell me what they think that would be a great help. This type of story is not something i would normally work on, and not sure if i should continue the 8 Episode series or not.

Thanks

Simon

Posted By: Bmat Nov 14, 2004 - 02:04 pm

Hi, Twilight! Welcome to Speculative Vision!

The following is only the impression received by one person. Someone else may think differently.

Your story could use some proofreading and editing to tighten it up. The first couple paragraphs, even though they present an intriguing idea and arouse the reader's curiosity, seem a bit slow.


There are a good number of grammar errors and misused words. For example: fore thousand, a fin layer of dust.

After you write and spellcheck and proofread your story, set it aside for at least a week and then read it again as if you were reading someone else's story. Sometimes you can get ideas about how to revise then.

One specific suggestion is the phrase: only a shoulder distance apart- you may mean only a shoulder distance wide.

You have a humorous style of writing and a promising idea for your story. Good luck with it!

Posted By: Bmat Nov 14, 2004 - 02:06 pm

LOL! I was writing the same time that you posted your last message. Oh I think that you should continue writing it, especially if you are enjoying writing it.

Posted By: Axzazz De`Nyde Nov 15, 2004 - 04:26 am

Hello Twilight

I started it a couple of days ago, but quit after the third paragraph. Having not read it through, I didn't want to say anything. I went back through and read it all this morning.

You have several instances where you've used homonyms; 'threw' instead of 'through', 'is' instead of 'it', 'where' instead of 'were', 'are' instead of 'our'. There are also a lot of run-on sentences. These make it very difficult to read.

Specific Example:

---

Quote:

Slowly backing out of the fountain room, Sky moved into the corridor, this to had it's walls back,portraits of various people hanged from the smooth white walls, the entire upper room was a window, benches lined the walls.

---

Posted By: Twilight Nov 15, 2004 - 01:22 pm

Thanks for your imput both of you.

A big problem for me is that i write the way that I talk. And my writting skill is not the greatest in the world but i will try to clear it up. Thanks very much for the feedback.

Thanks

Simon