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Posted By: Omnivexed Nov 16, 2004 - 04:23 am

I've been searching for a nice looking forum to post some of my writings on when I stumbled across this one. Lately I haven't been able to focus long enough to write more than one chapter in a story before starting a new one so I was hoping I could motivate myself with some feedback. This story I wrote specifically to make an ongoing one so I hope you like it. Oh and it's medieval fantasy in case you couldn't guess from the title, enjoy.
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Dragon Diplomacy
Chapter 1: Abrupt Departure


A castle stood cold and dark upon the peak of a towering mountain. Its very walls seemed merely an extension of it's rocky nest, if not for the looming turrets and distant figures moving about in the scattered windows one would be hard pressed to tell it was a castle at all. Through a tall iron gate built into the mountain's base was a cavern leading steadily up and to the castle's entrance. The doors leading into the castle were that of solid oak, crafted to scale with the walls, offering the impression it was built for the admittance of gods.

Deep within, at the very heart of the castle was another impressive set of oak doors, though smaller than those of the entrance, they were an even eight feet in height. Built for a man who was as good as a god himself, King Feralice the owner of the castle and the kingdom it stands for. Two guards stood at attention on either side of the door meaning the king was inside holding conference with someone of importance, considering the room was only used for important matters and important guests. The room was ideal for such things due to it's thick stone walls and the groove in the floor that the door rested in when closed tight, making the room completely soundproof. As the doors are the only way in and out the guards would search the room before their king held a meeting to be sure no assassins lie there in wait. Once satisfied the king was allowed in with his guest and the guards would defend the door with their lives, at the very least giving warning before the room was invaded.

Both guards turned at a sudden noise, hands on the hilt of their swords, relaxing once they saw it was only the door opening. They watched briefly as a cloaked man left the room, once seeing he wore such a heavy cloak draped about him and with the hood drawn over his face it was apparent they weren't to know who he was and so did not seek to find out. With a quick glance into the room to be sure the King was alive and well one of the guards began to close the door seeing the king was busy writing something on a parchment. Without looking up the King called out in his loud, booming voice, " Leave it, I'm about done here anyway." Nodding the guard stepped back to his post to await his king and escort him when he was ready.

The cloaked man made his way expertly through the labyrinth of corridors that riddled the innards of the castle. In a matter of minutes he arrived at the stable, stepping inside to retrieve his horse. A torch was burning behind a door that had been left partially ajar, the cloaked man found his horse and then went to investigate. As he came closer he could hear loud voices and laughter coming from the room. "Luck is not with you tonight my friend, perhaps you should quit before you owe me more than your life is worth," Balist said this jokingly as he knocked his friends shoulder. His friend did not see the joke in it though and looked quite cross, laying before each of them were a few cards with odd symbols upon them. Balist opened his mouth to say something, but stopped with his mouth agape as he looked up, from the glare of light all he could see of the cloaked man were his eyes staring straight at him.

Remembering himself Balist quickly jumped to his feet and bowed, " Begging your pardon sir, normally no one comes out for a ride this late unannounced. I'll get your horse ready if you point him out for me." As a stable boy in the kings castle Balist had met plenty an odd man or creature and it made him uneasy not being able to tell which this cloaked figure was, but if he was here in the stables he must be a welcome guest and Balist would treat him accordingly. The cloaked man continued to stare at Balist for a while before pointing to his horse, the stable boy was more than happy to prepare it and get away from the cloaked figures piercing gaze. "Ready a steed for yourself too boy, I am in need of a squire to aid me on my mission," the voice was calm and confident it sounded human enough, but the request bothered Balist. " Begging your pardon again sir, but I haven't finished my training yet and don't think I'd be of much use to you," the stable boy glanced over at the cloaked man while he fitted the saddle. The man had looked away from him and seemed to be placing something into a pack that had been beneath his cloak, Balist saw a flash of metal armor by the torch light, that the cloak had hidden, for a second and then the cloak once more concealed it along with the pack, "No, you'll do fine." With that the stranger took the reins of his horse out of Balist's hands and led it out of the stable.

Posted By: Bmat Nov 16, 2004 - 05:28 am

First two sentences- I'd suggest combining the first phrase of the second sentence with the first sentence instead of making the second sentence so long.


up and to the - probably don't need the "and"

were that of solid oak- extra word
at the very heart of the castle- needs comma after castle

they were an even eight feet in height. Built for a man who was as good as a god himself, King Feralice the owner of the castle and the kingdom it stands for. - awkward wording- incomplete sentence. as good as a god himself- what does this mean?

Two guards stood at attention on either side of the door meaning the king was inside holding- This should be reworded, or even omitted. Does it add to the story? The guards are mentioned later- could mention of them be omitted until then?

due to it's thick stone walls - this sentence needs rewording- for example, the thick stone walls (and so forth) instead of due to it's...


As the doors are - change of tense

Once satisfied the king was - this says that once the king was satisfied, is this what is meant? If so there needs to be a comma anyway after satisfied, if not, it needs rewording.

The second paragraph could do with tightening.


at the stable, stepping inside to - I wonder if making it "and stepped" would work better?


Nodding the guard - needs comma after nodding


friends- friend's

and looked quite cross- this doesn't sound right, how about glowered, or grimaced... not sure.

if you point him out to me- I wonder why he assumes the horse is male... perhaps point it out?

yourself too boy- needs punctuation

confident it sounded human enough- period after confident. New sentence starting with It.

You have done a good job setting the scene. The wording is somewhat awkward and could use a careful reading for punctuation and weeding out of as much as can be omitted in order to tighten it up.

Posted By: Omnivexed Nov 16, 2004 - 07:24 am

Ok I'll try to go through the list, first off I'm a bit of a perfectionist and get a bit peeved when errors are found, though I eventually agree with most corrections and don't mean to sound too annoyed.

Yes the first two sentences do need to be merged, I kind of plowed on when I read it and didn't notice how it'd pause.

up and to I put because it was two different things, I wanted to describe the cavern as going up and clarify that it led to the entrance. I suppose that was a bit redundant so I'll change that.

were that of oak, this seems kind of old style writing to me for some reason so I like to use it for effect. I'll put a comma after castle, I mostly punctuate by instinct now which isn't too reliable.

I didn't see anything awkward in that, as good as a god himself was my attempt at giving a description of how the king is seen by others. Seen as a god in the more positive aspect.

I wanted to emphasize the guards to point out the precautions taken hinting that the times are somewhat troubled and dangerous.

I don't understand this one, the statement was giving credit to the thickness of the stone walls for helping to make it soundproof.

I was always bad with tenses.

Right, I'll change that to Once satisfied the guards allowed the king in-

Stepped does sound better I'll change that.

No arguement there.

I like using descriptions that take more than one word.

I always tend to make things dominantly male when referring to an object or animal, I think it's just a common way to refer to something. I mean if it weren't male then the other character could just correct him and wouldn't take any real offense.

It doesn't seem like he'd have a long pause between the command and the explanation unless for a more dramatic effect I think the comma will do for that.

Yeah, you're right on that one.

Thanks for the criticism, just wanted to explain myself. Glad you liked it, I never cared much for making a story tight makes it a bit too strict. As long as it doesn't get in the way of goings on and the plot at large I like to let it breathe

Posted By: Bmat Nov 16, 2004 - 08:42 am

Due to it's thick stone walls could be said better, IMO. The thick stone walls should be included, but the words due to it's don't sit right, again, in my humble opinion. You are the artist here so can say what you like.

I think that someone working regularly with horses would be very aware of sex of the animal- just as a person who works with dogs will refer to the animal as a dog or bitch. Again, it's your call in the end.

I like to see a tight story- the volume of words hitting right on what is being said instead of meandering. But if meandering is what you like- then go for it.

Sometimes descriptions that take more than one word if done too frequently in a story make the story sound like something assigned in a school class where the teacher has just talked about descriptive words. I don't intend to insult when I say this. If it is your style then ignore what I said. Everybody has their own likes and dislikes. When I critique a story I offer my own. But it is always up to the author to have the final say. I would not like it if someone blindly took my suggestions against their own preferences.

I am glad that you responded to my suggestions so that we could both clarify what was meant.

Posted By: Bmat Nov 16, 2004 - 08:55 am

As good as a god himself in what way? Beneficent to his underlings, able to make wise judgements, immortal?

The room was ideal for such things due to it's thick stone walls and the groove in the floor that the door rested in when closed tight, making the room completely soundproof- How about something like this: The thick stone walls and the groove in the floor that the door rested in when closed made the room completely soundproof. Or- There was a grrove in the floor that the door settled in when completely closed. The groove and the thick stone walls made the room completely soundproof.

Posted By: Omnivexed Nov 16, 2004 - 11:25 am

I wrote a much better reply, twice even but I lost my connection both times and lost the whole post so I'll just say what I remember.

I think I agreed with most of your corrections and then went on about the tight story. My stories tend to meander because I find it leaves plenty of room for twists in the plot and gives me a level of freedom. Also I tend to only know the plot as far as I've written it. Whenever I think ahead of what I write it becomes painfully tedious to write out what I already know.

Thanks for the comment, sry if there's any errors here I'm going to post it before I lose my connection again.