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Posted By: Malkamus Nov 17, 2004 - 12:16 pm

ok i redid this chapter taking your advice. is this any better? appresiate any input to it


Chapter One


Galahad stopped and took a deep breath as he entered the forest. It had been years since he was last here. He released the buckle and slid his sword and sheath over his head and set it against a tree. He loosened the straps on his white dragon scale armor. He then rolled his head around to get the kink out of his neck. A slight smile crossed his lips as he thought back to the surprised look on that dragon’s face as he finished that battle. He then pulled his hair back and tied it out of the way. He took another deep breath and thought to himself. “It was good to be back. It had been far to long since he was last home.”He looked around. The trees stood tall and full. The canopy of leaves was thick and lush. Colored in shades of green, brown, and orange.They filtered the sunlight as it shone down through them. Allowing a soft light through with an occasional ray of brighter light.The wind blew softly, rustling the grass and leaves that were laying on the ground.

As he stood there looking around, he got a feeling that something was wrong. There were no birds chirping or none of the sounds of smaller animals running around. He had yet to even see a single deer. He tightened the straps on his armor and tossed his sword back over his shoulder. He quickly began to make his way to Oakvael. As he neared the tree town, the feeling grew stronger. As he arrived at the rope ladder, his feeling was confirmed. The town was in complete turmoil, from the ground below Galahad could see smoke coming from several areas. Many of the rope bridges that acted as streets linking each larger platform that the town was built on were damaged. It was as if an army had razed the place. Galahad climbed up the rope ladder. When he arrived on the platform, he then truly saw the damage that had been done. The townspeople were in disarray. Some were trying to put out fires, while others were clearing debris and the dead. There was a strong feeling of dread in the air, as thick and heavy as the smoke from the fires.

As Galahad stepped off the platform and onto the landing, a lone hobgoblin sprang out of the shadows screaming. "For the one, I will rip you apart." The hobgoblin closed the distance between them quickly. As he approached, he lunged at Galahad swinging his short sword. Galahad dodged to the right even as he turned to find the hobgoblin. As the sword swung past him, Galahad reached out with a massive arm, and grabbed the hobgoblin by the throat. In one movement that was as quick as a bolt of lightning, he took the hobgoblin to the ground and ripped it out. Then as he stood over the dying hobgoblin. He let a slight grin escape onto his face. “Hmm I don’t believe you’ll be doing anything for this one anymore.” He then pulled a dagger from his forearm and shoved it deep into its chest and through its heart. The townspeople stood in amazement as Galahad stood, and cleaned the blood from his dagger. Returning the dagger to its place on his forearm. He then turned around and walked over to the well. He drew a bucket of water and began to wash his hands. A young boy walked up to Galahad. “Excuse me sir.” Galahad turned around to see a small boy standing before him dirty and bloody. He leaned down, took a cloth rag, dipped it in the bucket and began to clean the dirt off the boys’ face. The boy looked up, his eyes were full of tears. “They killed my father and I could only stop one of them.” Galahad looked down at the boy with a look of sorrow and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Do not cry any more. For you showed your true manhood and courage today, your father died proud.” He then stood up and with a look in his eyes that could only be described by those that saw it as a mixture of sorrow, hate, and disdain. He looked around and took in all of the damage and death. The little boy pulled Galahads’ arm. “Excuse me sir?” Galahad looked back down at the child. “Are you Galahad?” Galahad answered in a somber voice. “Yes I am.” The boy looked with awe. “I knew it the moment I saw you kill that hobgoblin. Only you could have done that, you are talked about by everyone.” Galahad stood there. “I am no one special or I would have been here to stop this. I do what is needed of me. I am just a servant to the times.” “ Will you help me avenge my father sir?” The boy asked. Galahad took a long look at the young boy. “ Avenge your father by growing old and dying happy young one, you have seen enough pain to last a lifetime. Vengeance will only turn your heart black. Once you travel down that path, it is nearly impossible to switch paths. Now, where are the mayor and captain of the guard?”

One of the townspeople looked over at Galahad. And spoke in a sarcastic voice. “Why, do you think you can do that to all of the hordes?” Galahad glanced over at him. “If that is what has to be done.” “ You better have some respect. The young boy screamed. This is Galahad and that hobgoblin could have been attacking any one of us.” Whispers started rising up from the crowd. “Galahad is here? Can it be? Has he really returned?” One person worked his way through the crowd. He was cut and bloody. His sword still in hand. He stood about six feet tall. He was wearing a set of studded leather armor, smeared in blood. He never took his eyes off of Galahad as he moved through the crowd. He turned and hurled his sword at Galahad. Galahads’ arm moved so quickly it was a blur, he dodged to the left and as the blade flew past him, he caught the sword by its hilt, and broke out in a chuckle. “Only one person I have ever known would be brazen enough to throw his only weapon at someone.” The man laughed back. “If you weren’t Galahad, I would have had no problem retrieving it.” “Kolaf, I haven’t seen you since we finished our training. You are still the same, brazen, and confident as ever.” “And you Galahad, you have become everything master thought that you would become. We have followed your exploits.” “I did nothing that anyone else wouldn’t have done if needed.” Galahad replied somberly. Kolaf smiled. “As a true defender would respond. Ok then, come on the mayor and captain of the guard are down at the jail interrogating a hobgoblin that was captured.” Galahad handed the sword back to Kolaf and the two shook hands. Then the two headed off toward the jail. As they walked towards the jail Galahad looked around at the damage. Some of the buildings were completely destroyed, others were seriously damaged. Some were still smoldering, smoke still rising up. He remembered back to days of old. The streets were busy with daily life. The shops were open, the merchants busy selling their wares. Children running around playing games on the corners. The city built high in the trees seemed so safe and happy. The air was filled with the sounds of happiness. Now this happened, this attack has damaged more than just the city. The people who live here have suffered immensely.

When they arrived at the jail they entered through the door, they immediately saw a lone hobgoblin beaten, and bloodied tied to a chair. The hobgoblin saw them enter and let a grin grow onto his face, showing his pointed sharp teeth. His eyes were blood red as he stared at the new arrivals. “Ah two more to join the game. Well, you shall get no more from me than the others.” Galahad entered the room. “Stinking hobgoblins.” Kriel the Capt. of the guard an older warrior close to fifty summers old. He had massive arms and shoulders, but his age was beginning to creep up on him. His face was beginning to show his age the most, his beard had begun to gray. His skin had begun the signs of starting to wrinkle. He moved with just a hint of a limp, but he still was a foreboding man, he leaned against the front of his desk, and looked over. “Kolaf I knew you’d be here, but who . . . Galahad? Yes it is you. By the ghods.”Galahad walked over and shook Kriels’ hand. “My friend I wish this meeting was at a better time, what has happened here.” Kriel responded. “They attacked out of nowhere. We held them at the platforms for a while, till the dragon appeared. It stayed out of the range of our archers and shot fireballs at the town. Then the second horde attacked. We managed to fight them off but not before their damage was done. They kept screaming for the one. We captured this one but it won’t talk.”Galahad walked over to the grinning hobgoblin. “The one huh, I’ll be right back.” He then grabbed the hobgoblin by the leather armor it was wearing, lifting it and the chair off the ground and walked into the next room slamming the door shut behind him.

Kriel and Kolaf stood there in amazement. “Can he really be as powerful as the stories told of him?” Kriel thought to himself. Not a sound was heard from the room for several minutes. They stood waiting. Kriel folded his arms over his chest, and leaned back against his desk. Kolaf sat down in a chair and leaned back, when suddenly, a shriek pierced the air. Then just as suddenly as it began it stopped and the room was deathly quiet again. When the door opened up and Galahad stepped out of the room. Kriel looked at Galahad. “Well?”

Galahad raised his hand that was holding the hobgoblin’s head. His face now with a look of absolute terror on it. “Well. It’s not grinning and thinking it’s funny anymore. It did not know who the one is but it is hiding and massing an army in the depths of the undead realm. ” Kriel stood up straight. “The ud realm. Figures, they are hiding right under our noses. I should have known that. We shall get reinforcements and attack right away.”
“No!” Replied Galahad. “The only way will be a small force to attack.” “Then I shall go. “Kriel then announced. Galahad shook his head. “No, your work is here in town. This is where you are needed. Protect your citizens and get the towns’ defenses back up. Just in case the attack fails. They will know that you are aware of its plans and will attack in full force.” Kolaf looked at Galahad. “Sounds like you’re planning on going.” “Well” responded Galahad. “I have nothing here in town to do.” Kolaf shook his head. “Well I’m going too then.” “All right then we shall go.”At that moment the door swung open and a young wizard entered the room. Dressed in a typical wizard robe, that was hiding most of his features. He was quite tall. Close to six and a half feet tall. He couldn’t have been more than seventeen years in age, with long blonde hair. His eyes were ice blue and with a cold stare that burned through to your soul. His facial features clearly showed him as a half elf. Galahad stared at him with spite. The wizard looked at Galahad. “I know how you feel about wizards Galahad. But I will be joining you whether you like it or not.”Galahad glared back at the young wizard. “You . . . you walk in here and proclaim you are coming along. Well fingerwiggler, why should you come with us. Where were you in the defense of Oakvael? Sniveling in a corner? Waiting for your chance to escape?” The young wizard glared back at Galahad. “First of all, my name is Malkamus, not fingerwiggler. And I was not here when the attack happened. My master had sent me to Axe Glacier for reagents. I just returned to find my master slaughtered and the town attacked. And I shall be coming with you.” Galahad looked Malkamus over. He sensed something about this wizard, but shook it out of his mind. “Fine come along if you wish. But if I’m hit by one of your errant magic missiles, I’ll cut you down myself.” Malkamus laughed. “I’ll be ready in a half day. I’ll meet you at the south platform.” And walked away. “•••• fingerwigglers, his arrogance will get us all killed.” But yet Galahad couldn’t completely shake his feeling about him. Galahad turned to Kolaf. “Go, clean yourself up and get ready. We leave in a half day.” As Kolaf left, Galahad turned to Kriel. “Fear not my friend I came to visit, and we shall when this is over.”

As he left the jail, he heard a voice. “Sir?” Galahad turned around looked down and there was the young boy from earlier. “Sir? Mr. Galahad . . . you’re going after the evil aren’t you?” Galahad smiled at the youngster.“ I plan on making sure you will grow old and die happy.” The young boy smiled and stood up tall. “And for my father I shall. I have something I want you to have sir.” The boy opened up a sack he was dragging behind him. “These were my fathers’. I would like you to have them.” He opened the bag and pulled out a set of full plate armor. “My grandfather made this for my daddy, it has no weight and it is enchanted with fire/ice protection, protection from stun, and really good defense.” “My grandfather was said to be touched by the ghods themselves. He was a great blacksmith. His skills were known worldwide.” Galahad took the armor and felt a twinge run through his arm and body. It did weigh next to nothing. The boy smiled. “I knew the armor would accept you.” Galahad looked down at the boy. The boy smiled again. “You will see when the time comes.” He then pulled out a black double-sided axe, as he handed it to Galahad he said. “My grandfather never told anyone what he made that out of but it returns to you when you throw it. Galahad took the axe and examined it. It was perfectly balanced and felt as though it had an energy of its own. It was extremely light too. He had never seen a metal like it before. Then he felt another twinge through his arm.”Good, the axe has accepted you too.” Responded the boy. “Thank you I shall put these to good use. I only hope I can use them half as well as your father used them.” With that Galahad bowed. “We shall speak again when I return.”

Galahad returned to the platform and gathered up the remainder of his gear from where he had dropped it, and went to the temple. He entered and he laid out his equipment. He then knelt and began to pray to the ghods for their blessing on the war he was about to wage. For he knew a war was what it was to be. He held no preconceived notions on how gallant a cause it was, nor did he expect to come out of it alive. He could only hope he could guarantee the survival of Kolaf, and yes even that wizard.

Kolaf entered his house, went to the washbasin and washed the blood from his hands and arms. Then rinsed off his face and tossed out the water. He then walked into the bedroom and removed the bloodstained armor he still had on. He then walked over to the bed and knelt down. He reached under and slid out a wooden locker. Kolaf picked up the locker and set it on the bed. As he opened it he thought back to when he placed the box under there. He was madly in love with Elise. They were to be married as soon as he returned from the battle he was called to. But alas it was not meant to be, she was attacked and killed a week before his return. From that day on he had sworn to never prepare for war again. And until this day he had kept his promise. But today he could not stand by and let this happen .Elise would never expect him to nor ask him to. As her image began to fade Kolaf snapped out of the daydream. He pulled his red dragon scales out and set them on the bed. Next he pulled out a set of Defender bracers and a set of Master swordsman gauntlets. He then removed a finely crafted pair of boots. The material they were made of was unrecognizable. Rumor has it that a wizard had given them to him as a gift for saving his family. The boots are said to double the wearer’s reflexes and actions. Then finally, a sword that was wrapped in a finely woven silk sheet. Kolaf then knelt down and began to meditate. When he finished meditating, he dressed and prepared for battle. When he finished. He stood, unwrapped the sword and held it. As he removed it from the sheath, it emitted a slight glow. When the blade was fully exposed, the glow grew into a tremendous blinding flash. When the flash subsided, the blade became visible. There were mystic runes carved into the length of it on both sides of the blade. Each rune’s outline held a faint glow. Perfectly balanced, crafted from the finest metals known. Then enchanted by a powerful wizard. Kolaf stared at the blade for a moment. “Yes my friend it has been a long time.” He then slid it back in the sheath, and placed it over his head. He adjusted it into position and tightened the strap around his chest. He then turned and walked out of the house to meet the rest.

Meanwhile Malkamus had returned to his masters’ home. He entered the foyer and looked around. The place felt strangely empty. There truly was nothing left for him there. He went to his room at the back of the house and grabbed a backpack. He then opened a closet, grabbed a shimmering, nearly invisible set of armor hanging there and tossed it in the bag. He then grabbed a short sword, and tossed it in the bag also. When he was finished, he closed the bag and left the room. He walked back down the hallway and into the large livingroom. He glanced around and laying on the desk was his masters’ ring. Malkamus walked over to it and picked it up. He then grabbed a piece of leather string and ran it through the ring. Then tying it around his neck he swore an oath of vengeance to his slain master. As he left the house he turned, lowered his head and thanked his master one last time. Then he left, not looking back.

As Galahad prayed, he readied himself. He dressed in the full plate the boy gave him. It indeed weighed nothing on him. As soon as he tightened the last lashing, he again felt a twinge and the sense of an awesome power. He threw his sheathed blue broad sword over his shoulder belted the finely crafted axe. Readjusted his gear and knelt one last time. He uttered a final prayer. “Ghoddess of war grant me the chance to rid this land of the evil that has appeared. For if it is your wish. I shall be victorious. Ghoddess of light and all that is just. Grant me the knowledge to do what is right. For with your guidance I shall be just. He stood up and exited the temple.

As he exited the temple, Galahad heard a ruckus over by the south platform. He ran over and as he approached, he immediately saw the cause of the disturbance. For there stood a druid, and not just any druid. Alina the defender of the forest herself was standing there. “There is no way Galahad is going to allow a wizard with him into battle. No matter what I sense from him.” Kolaf responded. “I don’t understand it either. Galahad has no use for them but I was there when he agreed.” Alina spoke back. ”There’s no way. Galahad doesn’t even like me, let alone allow this young wizard into a battle with him.” “There are far too few people I like, perhaps it is time I change that. Hello Alina how are you? It has been a very long time.” Galahad spoke as he approached. Alina turned around. “Hello Galahad I’m fine, thank you. I sensed your return the moment you entered my forest.” “What brings you here Alina?” Galahad asked. Alina responded. “I shall not stand by and let this go unpunished. I am the protector of the forest, Oakvael is in my forest, it has always been under my protection, whether they knew it or not.” Galahad nodded. “I’d expect nothing less from the mighty druid. It will be an honor to stand in battle beside you again.” Kolaf stepped up.”We should be going then.” Galahad replied. “Very well then let’s go, and Malkamus, don’t forget what I said.”

Posted By: Bmat Nov 17, 2004 - 01:27 pm

far too long

First paragraph- I don't know if you can adjust it, but you have several places that you use X and Y, C and B, and so forth. I'm not sure what to suggest, and I'm not sure if I would have noticed the repetition of the structure if I hadn't been examining the text.

They filtered the sunlight as it shone down through them. Allowing a soft light through with an occasional ray of brighter light.The wind blew softly, - soft is used twice. The phrase starting with allowing is not a complete sentence.

Something that I notice that I liked a lot was the way he rolled his neck, This is very realistic and adds to being able to see what is going on.
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Paragraph 2:

got a feeling - not appealing wording. Perhaps- he began to feel...

or none of the sounds - probably or any of the sounds, or even: nor any of the sounds

You use "as he" in two consecutive sentences

turmoil, from the ground- a comma is not what is needed here. I'd suggest a period and starting a new sentence.

they were clearing the debris and the dead- This is not incorrect, but it kind of places the dead with debris, IMO. Perhaps the two should be mentioned somehow separately.

This is a strong paragraph. Good.

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Paragraph 3:

a lone hobgobblin: "lone" is not needed, it's up to you if you want it.


The hobgoblin closed the distance between them quickly. As he approached, - you are using two phrases to say exactly the same thing

ripped it out- "it" isn't clear, perhaps you could reword.

grin escape onto - I'm not sure about this wording, a grin escaping....perhaps appearing?

part of the time you refer to the hobgoblin as he and part as it.

The paragraph has a point of high action and then slow sorrow, I wonder if the paragraph should be broken up into two parts?

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Paragraph 4

Second phrase is not a complete sentence.


Master should be capitalized. There are some quotes missing. There is another phrase toward the end that is not a complete sentence.

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para 6

it stopped and the room... needs a comma
--
para ...lost track actually, anyway

towns' is plural possessive

when he finished meditating, when he finished dressing. try varying the wording


perfectly balanced- another incomplete sentence, also the next phrase,

Should druid be capitalized?

There are a number of punctuation errors.

Now considering the story: it is moving along well. I like it. Another work through, fixing the punctuation errors, adjusting wording- would be a good idea. This is coming along nicely!

Posted By: Malkamus Nov 17, 2004 - 02:58 pm

ok thanx again. i'll have to figure out the "and" problem along with the other suggestions. my question is taking into consideration that this is the middle section of the book and that all the real background to the story is the first part. does this chapter make you want to read the rest?

Posted By: Bmat Nov 17, 2004 - 03:17 pm

Yes it does.

Posted By: Malkamus Nov 18, 2004 - 08:41 am

the druid capitalization i don't know. would a general name for a race of people be capitalized? i'm not using it as a proper name for her. so i don't know the rest i'm working on. i may have found a fix to the "and"problem at the beginning too.

Posted By: Bmat Nov 18, 2004 - 11:23 am

I don't know. In my dictionary it says "often cap." So if you would capitalize Christian or Jewish, or Moslem, maybe it should be. I don't know the answer. It looked odd to me, which is why I asked.