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Posted By: BaanJu Nov 18, 2004 - 05:53 am

The two men slowly stood up from their work. They looked strikingly alike. One father the other son. They were both powerfully built with large rolling muscles lining their entire body. The largest stone moved, seemingly without effort. They were both dressed in leather breeches, their robes discarded along with their swords and chain mail.

It took all day to clear the entire rode free of stones and trees. The heat from the day was stifling and deadly. The sun’s heat would have caused weaker men to have fainted by now. But Jenai and his father, Myke, were not weak men they were both strong and dangerous, hard workers.

When the road was finally cleared the two tired men picked up their belongings and started back to the abbey. It took almost an hour for the two to walk to the abbey where they were greeted by their fellow friends and shown to table filled with food. Everyone stood around the table waiting for the white father to come.

Then he was their his long flowing white hair following around his ancient frail frame. his face was creased with wrinkles from years passed but his eyes still held a type of inner fire matched by few.

He walked to the head of the table and whispered a prayer to the great lord of life and then seated. As soon as he sat down the others muttered amen and sat down also. The food was wonderful many of the men had been out working today in groups. Some had been clearing out roads like Jenai and Myke had done while others cleared out the wooded area surrounding the abbey and planted many plants throughout the surrounding land.

The abbey had existed for hundreds of years and had long stood for a place of healing. Not many people would fight against the abbey’s dwellers due to their ferocious fighting skill and the mysterious power that all of the abbey dweller’s possessed. Each had a third eye hidden by a bandana that marked the order that the resided in. The third eye granted each of the order the power to heal others and if used in defense could kill many of the evil creatures that wondered the land.

The abbey had once been instrumental in many battles that had been fought against the demons of old before they were banished into the void. Of course there was still a need for the abbey and its patrons so they still existed and learned to fight heal and care for the land.

After dinner the White Father stood up and raised his left hand, indicating that he needed everyone to stay for an announcement he had. His eyes roved over everyone at the table.

“I have grave news to tell you my friends,” his voice was crisp and crackled.

“Today a messenger visited us from the elves of the north. He had terrible news. The elves have been under attack for almost three weeks now. At first they believed they could hold out against the forces that marched against them but after many battles they decided they could not defeat their adversaries alone. They have all fled their homes and are marching here to the abbey seeking sanctuary. I know the abbey is large enough to hold and sustain many people and the elves are very self-sufficient. I am asking you to be prepared to fight and defend the abbey so from now on no man or woman is allowed to go anywhere unless they are armed do you understand.”

“Yes White Father,” chorused everyone at the table as they stood up to face him.

“Thank you. I need some who are willing to go and meet the elves to escort them here. are there any who are willing.” The White Father’s eyes scanned the entire table searching for volunteers.

“My son and I will go,” replied a deep booming voice.

The White Father’s eyes fell upon Myke and his son, Jenai. They were both big and powerful and from the talk he heard around the abbey they were the best hunters and fighters. They were also reputed to be exceptionally smart and quick witted. He also new that Jenai was reckless in battle although cautious. When he was injured hw went totally berserk.

“Thank you for volunteering my friends. I know you two have worked hard today and you are very tired but you must leave at once there are horses and provisions waiting at the gate please hurry.”

The two bowed to the White Father and hurried out of the hall their swords clanking against their chain shirt.

The outside air was crisp and cool. A cold wind biting into their skin as they strode towards their horses. They were good stock one a beautifully built solid black horse which Jenai mounted. The other was also beautifully built but was gray instead of black.

Posted By: Neurolanis Nov 18, 2004 - 07:26 pm

You have a natural, graceful style of story telling. The images and adventure flows like a stream in my mind. A nice rough draft, but obviously the completed version should have greater detail, better grammar, and some better choice-of-words. For example: "injured hw went totally berserk." Injured, he became as a mad warrior, eyes fierce like a tiger's, his shoulders raising or something, would sound better.

Very nice. I'd like to read more.

Posted By: talisman Nov 19, 2004 - 11:50 am

< The two men slowly stood up from their work. They looked strikingly alike. One father the other son. They were both powerfully built with large rolling muscles lining their entire body. The largest stone moved, seemingly without effort. They were both dressed in leather breeches, their robes discarded along with their swords and chain mail.

In this first bit, you jump from talking about then men, to describing the stone, then back to the men again. I think this needs changing.

As for the rest, its not bad, but does need tightening up. You repeat words a bit too often, for example you use "abbey’s dwellers" twice in the same sentence.

< After dinner the White Father stood up and raised his left hand, indicating that he needed everyone to stay for an announcement he had. His eyes roved over everyone at the table.

This could be tightened up like this...

< After dinner the White Father stood and raised his left hand, indicating that everyone should stay for an announcement. His eyes roved over all those seated at the table.

Finally you might want to explain more about the abbey and why they are fighters/carry swords.

Also this needs more explanation...how does it kill..."The third eye granted each of the order the power to heal others and if used in defense could kill many of the evil creatures that wondered the land. "...and that should be 'wandered', not 'wondered' I think.

Its good though, don't let my comments put you off. Looks to be an interesting story