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Posted By: Berry Nov 23, 2004 - 06:51 am

Hello everybody
This is the 2nd chapter in a fantasy novel I am attempting. So far this is the 2nd chapter in about 8. The story starts off in an ordinary mordern day setting this is the first visit to another world for the main character.I really need some feedback on it as I have never written a long story before and have no idea about pacing or amount of detail, structure and the like. I would obviously also like to know if it imbues the reader with the desire to read more of the story. Here goes
Travellers
They sat on either side of the stone and she looked intently at it for a while, then Gillian handed her a locket, it was small and silver with carved symbols on it. Inside it had a kernel of corn and a lock of hair.
“This locket has a way of making sure that we will not be parted while we visit my friends put it on for me Ivy and never take it off again”
“It’s beautiful Nonna, thanks”
“It has more value than it looks child, promise me that you will not take it off”
“I promise”
Gillian started to mumble words under her breath that Ivy could not understand, as she did so she passed her hand slowly over the shiny stone, Ivy watched in open-mouthed wonder as the stone seemed to shimmer slightly and on it’s surface she appeared a meadow, the image was like a faded reflection in a river, as it came into focus the colours brightened and the image began to take on a more realistic feel, she could see that it had a forest at it’s edge on one side and a river on the other. Then all of a sudden she felt like she was rushing towards it she felt sick to her stomach as she sped towards the grassy meadow that had seemed so insubstantial a moment before. Then she was there, she looked up in to a blue sky, the ground beneath her feet was solid and her grandmother was standing in front of her.
“Well Ivy how was your trip?”
When she got to her feet, she found herself unable to answer; though what she was seeing seemed perfectly reasonably she could not help but feel that something was amiss.
“Are you alright honey?
“I’m not sure Nonna what happened and where are we?”
“Come lets walk and we shall discuss this on the way, there is someone I would have you know and you can’t do that until you’ve met him.”
Hand in hand they walked towards the river, it was fairly wide and still enough to see the clouds on its suface, rushes grew tall at the banks of both sides. As they neared she could see a tiny shed with one window, a large raft bobbed next to the bank. The bank next to the shed was cleared of rushes and a little man sat on a small stool playing with what looked like a dog.

“Good afternoon Meckir”
“Afnoon my Lady, are you ’visitin”
“I am indeed, if you would be so kind”
Gillian placed a silver coin in his hand and then stepped on to the raft gently urging Ivy to stop staring at the man and step on to the raft with her.
Meckir was a little unusual for Ivy but familiar. He was not as she had first thought a little man but a little creature. He had small pointed ears and a wide mischievous grin that revealed a row of small, crooked and pointed teeth, his hair was curly and seemed to cover just about every bit of him and protruded from his little brown leather dungaree’s and the dark green shirt he wore underneath. She also noted that though he seemed to be a grown up he was only an inch or so taller than me though considerably larger around the middle. This together with the bizarre presence of a comedy West Country farmers accent he failed to be even vaguely scary. This was one of the creatures, what had she been thinkng?
“Who’s this little beauty, a fey one from your strange town then?
“She’s family Meckir that is all you need to know at present, now if you would be so kind.
Gillian was gesturing towards the raft and Meckir jumped to attention with this last remark and started to pull on a series of ropes next to his shed. As the raft slowly glided towards the other side of the river Ivy tried to take in her surroundings, in front of her lay a rush filled bank with a space cleared for the raft to land. Leading away from the bank was a rough trail that disappeared in to a forest. To her left were mountains in the distance complete with snowy peaks and to her right the river led away darkened by over hanging trees and then obscured by it’s curve.

The raft gently bumped the bank and then they were on the trail leading to the forest. Overhead a large bird cried out as it flew over the open fields they had just come from.
“Hurry little one we are not safe out in the open let us get to the forest and their people”
“Huh?
“Come Ivy hurry”
Feeling the urgency of her grandmothers words she started to run in earnest, she had never seen her grandmother run before in fact she had never seen her scared before. At length they reached the forest edge and slowed down but her grandmother would not let her stop, asking her to hold on for a few minutes more. The forest was dark, only a little light making it through the thick green canopy above. The Forest seemed alive with little noises, a rustle here, and a crunch there, even the birds seemed to chirp odd chirps and warble strange songs. She felt the pressure of being observed, it was worse than the moment she had had tripped and fell off stage during school assembly, this was a totally different kettle of fish to that kind of being observed, this had gone way beyond kettles. Her paranoia told her she could hear voices, chattering in hushed tones all around her, she decided paranoia had a point.
Soon they reached a circle of trees that looked liked silver birch only their barks really looked like silver there were glints and shines as the odd stray sunbeam hit them, inside the circle stood a large shiny black stone she recognised it straight away.
“Come Ivy step inside the circle with me”
As she stepped in to the circle of trees she immediately felt better. It was sunny and warm in the circle, the birds chirped merrily and the whole forest felt different.
“Its much better here, don’t you think nonna?
“So it is child, here we have the protection of the forest people, this is their home and they have welcomed us.
“And it isn’t their home outside the circle?
“No this is the gateway, the door to our freinds home, before we stepped into the gateway we were in the home of the Lupinol, they do not welcome strangers from our land.
“Why did we have to run Nonna? That man at the river he was like the little creatures wasn’t he; do we didn’t run from him?
“The large bird that you saw was a scout, it and its brother’s report to the Lupinol all they see. The little creatures are fairly harmless to ones such as us but their world they share with the Lupinol. Meckir is a good sort really a little bit of a gossip but harmless enough he won’t go out of his way to tell anyone anything, he lives a quiet life there by the river, I just don’t want to announce your presence here just yet.
“They can’t get us here can they?
Her smile was reassuring as replied saying they were safe.
“Even the Lupinol are not powerful enough to trespass on the ancient forest. Now little one look out in to the forest and try to see not just with your eyes, with your feelings too, concentrate and do not speak just do that for a few minutes for me.
What does that mean, thought Ivy, not just with her eyes? Her grandmother however had used that tone of voice that meant any more questions would not be tolerated at least for now, so obediently she looked out in to the trees. At first she noticed that it no longer seemed dark in the forest, in fact it looked beautiful, there was dappled sunlight shining through the trees, there were wild flowers and berries giving bright splashes of colour to compliment the different greens of the trees The air smelt, well it smelt green, but it was a smell as welcome as a flowers fragrance. Somehow she began to feel the presence of animals, she actually felt them, the birds, mice, squirrels, and foxes. She did not know how but she could feel their energy, like a string of Christmas lights that gave heat as well as light but formed in her imagination, the shapes gained clarity as she paid attention to them and then faded when she caught the thread of another. There were other creatures, too weird to be real but she could feel them, feel their shapes, . A fox like creature that could climb trees and like a squirrel had little hand-claws and a long bushy tail. One creature with the body of a goat but with thoughts like a person, another with the body of a horse but the top of him was a man normal head, arms, chest and long brown curly hair that was made of leaves. In her mind the birds seemed to speak to her, each one like joined voices singing in harmony, “Welcome” they said you are Tiwynaatou, you are home, you are home

Posted By: talisman Nov 26, 2004 - 12:11 pm

<< She also noted that though he seemed to be a grown up he was only an inch or so taller than me though considerably larger around the middle.

That should be 'she', not 'me', I think.

The closing quotation mark " seems to be missing on quite a few lines as well.

I assume this isn't the whole of the 2nd chapter, otherwise it would be quite a short book, though 8 chapters does sound quite short anyway.

Looks good though.