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Posted By: Jade MoonStar Nov 30, 2004 - 06:31 pm

FORWARD


By entering this world, you will witness quests bursting with excitement, epic struggles of power, and the never-ending search to understand the mysteries of the universe.

In this world, the very fabric of reality wears thin; there are even places where the veils of time can be lifted, places where the real becomes unreal, and places where mere legend, becomes fact.

Be warned courageous on looker, the realm of Jiquene is not for the faint of heart.

Third Degree Grey Mage,

Tila MoonStar
_________________________________________________

Prologue

A light skinned, tall young woman stood slightly slouched on the dirt road that entered the forest town of Kiel. Giving a loud, exhausting sigh, the girl slowly removed her white, ivory staff’s sharply pointed tip from the coarse, acid green skin of a battle clad, but now dead, goblin. The orc’s limp cadaver then slumped onto the ground, landing in a puddle of briny mud created by the previous night’s rain; its navy blue blood now pouring freely out of the back of its skull where girl’s weapon had punctured him only a few seconds before.

Her name was Tila MoonStar, an elf from the tranquil jungles of Tier’ Dal. She was wearing long, loose fitting grey robes that barely touched the ground when she walked; two earrings, one a silver moon, the other a golden sun; a pair of small, travel ridden brown boots, and a silver hilt for her staff that swung diagonally across her back.

Tila had two large, brilliantly sapphire eyes, small ears that pointed sharply at the ends, a very diminutive, yet curved nose,long, slightly pink cheeks and a acutely curled chin.

Tila MoonStar was a neophyte to the life of a grey mage, having just passed one of her final tests to become one at the mage academy in her hometown of Yolrasa. So, in request of her academy, she was sent on a journey to prove if she was truly ready to undertake the great challenges that being a grey mage would present.

Her mission, simply enough to Tila, was to venture to the town of Kiel and seek the guidance of a master grey mage know only as Tallus. Little did Tila know, as she entered the local pub in Kiel, seeking the guidance of Tallus would prove the most difficult challenge she had ever faced…

I've got a bit more written, but I'd like some feedback (please, be HARSH! ) before I put more of the story in here.

Thanks,
Jade

Posted By: Bmat Nov 30, 2004 - 06:40 pm

I find the numerous descriptive words somewhat distracting.

The reader doesn't need to know all of this information this early in the story. Later on it can be mentioned that the staff was white and ivory and had a sharply pointed tip, for example.

There are a few errors- exhausting sigh should be exhausted sigh- unless the sigh is exhausting her.

Probably you want onlooker instead of on looker.

You have a good start, but try setting it aside for a few days and then reading it cold, so you will see what I mean about too many descriptive words.

Posted By: Jade MoonStar Nov 30, 2004 - 06:43 pm

Thanks for the comments, Bmat. I'll take your advice and read it over later.

Heh, speaking of "colds"... I'm getting bogged down by one as I type this...

Ugh...the dream world calls...

Jade

Posted By: talisman Dec 01, 2004 - 11:11 am

<< Giving a loud, exhausting sigh, the girl slowly removed her white, ivory staff’s sharply pointed tip from the coarse, acid green skin of a battle clad, but now dead, goblin.


It is a bit long and descriptive, but re-arranging it without removing too much seems to work better in my opinion...

"Giving a loud, exhausted sigh, the girl slowly removed the pointed tip of her white, ivory staff from the acid green skin of the dead battle clad goblin."


<< having just passed one of her final tests to become one at the mage academy in her hometown of Yolrasa.

You use 'one' twice. I'd remove the first instance of the word.


<< brilliantly sapphire eyes

or would "brilliant sapphire eyes" be better?


<<
Her mission, simply enough to Tila, was to venture to the town of Kiel and seek the guidance of a master grey mage know only as Tallus.

Perhaps break into two sentences...

"Her mission, thought Tila, was simple. All she had to do was..."


<< local pub

'pub' or 'inn'...which sounds better in context of fantasy stories...? I'd say 'inn', but others may have different opinions.

I like it though, perhaps go for simpler sentences more often.