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Posted By: Malkamus Dec 01, 2004 - 08:30 am

Well ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Here is the moment we have all been waiting for. Here is the latest rewrite of this chapter. Please let me know what i can change to improve it. Thanx John

Chapter One


Galahad stopped as he entered the forest. He took a deep breath while thinking to himself. “It had been years since he was last here.” He released the buckle and slid his sheathed sword over his head. He then set it against a tree. He loosened the straps on his white dragon scale armor. He then rolled his head around to get the kink out of his neck. A slight smirk crossed his lips as he thought back to the surprised look on that dragon’s face as he finished that battle. That dragon was so confident that he could not put an end to its reign of terror. He then pulled his hair back and tied it out of the way. He took another deep breath and thought to himself. “It was good to be back. It had been far to long since he was last home.” He looked around, the trees stood tall and full. The canopy of leaves was thick and lush, colored in shades of green, brown, and orange. They filtered the sunlight as it shone down through them. Permitting a soft light through with an occasional ray of brighter light. The wind was blowing lightly, rustling the grass and the leaves that were laying on the ground.

As he stood there looking around, he sensed that something was wrong. There were no birds chirping, or any of the sounds of smaller animals running around. He had yet to even see a single deer. He tightened the straps on his armor and tossed his sword back over his shoulder. He quickly began to make his way to Oakvael. As he neared the tree town, the feeling grew stronger. When he arrived at the rope ladder, his fear was confirmed. The town was in complete turmoil. From the ground below Galahad could see smoke coming from several areas. Many of the rope bridges that acted as streets linking each larger platform that the town was built on were damaged. It was as if an army had razed the place. Galahad climbed up the rope ladder. When he arrived on the platform, he then truly saw the damage that had been done. The townspeople were in disarray. Some were trying to put out fires, while others were busy clearing the debris. There was a strong feeling of dread in the air, as thick and heavy as the smoke from the fires.

As Galahad stepped off the platform and onto the landing, a hobgoblin sprang out of the shadows screaming. "For the one, I will rip you apart." The hobgoblin closed the distance between them quickly. As it got within range, the hobgoblin lunged at Galahad swinging its short sword. Galahad dodged to the right even as he turned to find the hobgoblin. As the sword swung past him, Galahad reached out with a massive arm, and grabbed the hobgoblin by the throat. In one movement that was as quick as a bolt of lightning, he took the hobgoblin to the ground and ripped its windpipe out. Then as he stood over the dying hobgoblin. He let a slight grin appear on his face. “Hmm I don’t believe you’ll be doing anything for this one any longer.” He then pulled a dagger from his forearm. He shoved it deep into its chest, piercing its heart. The townspeople stood in amazement as Galahad stood, and cleaned the blood from his dagger. He then returned the dagger to its place on his forearm.

Galahad then turned around and walked over to the well that was across the platform from him. He drew a bucket of water and began to wash his hands. A young boy walked up to Galahad. “Excuse me sir.” Galahad turned around to see a small boy standing before him dirty and bloody. He leaned down and picked up a cloth rag, he dipped it in the bucket and began to clean the dirt off the boys’ face. The boy looked up, his eyes were full of tears. “They killed my father and I could only stop one of them.” Galahad looked down at the boy with a look of sadness and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Do not cry any more young one. For you showed your true manhood and courage today, your father died proud.” He then stood up and with a look in his eyes that could only be described by those that saw it as a mixture of sorrow, hate, and disdain. He looked around and took in all of the damage and death. The little boy pulled Galahads’ arm. “Excuse me sir?” Galahad looked back down at the child. “Are you Galahad?” Galahad answered in a somber voice. “Yes I am.” The boy looked with awe. “I knew it the moment I saw you kill that hobgoblin. Only you could have done that, you are talked about by everyone.” Galahad stood there. “I am no one special or I would have been here to stop this. I do what is needed of me. I am just a servant to the times.” “ Will you help me avenge my father sir?” The boy asked. Galahad took a long look at the young boy. “ Avenge your father by growing old and dying happy young one. You have seen enough pain to last a lifetime. Vengeance will only turn your heart black. Once you travel down that road, it is nearly impossible to switch paths. Now, where are the mayor and captain of the guard?”

One of the townspeople looked over at Galahad, and spoke in a sarcastic voice. “Why, do you think you can do that to all of the hordes?” Galahad glanced over at him. “If that is what has to be done.” “ You better have some respect.” The young boy screamed. “This is Galahad and that hobgoblin could have been attacking any one of us.” Whispers started rising up from the crowd. “Galahad is here? Can it be? Has he really returned?” One person worked his way through the crowd. He was cut and bloody. His sword was still in his hand. He stood about six feet tall. He was wearing a set of studded leather armor, smeared in blood. He never took his eyes off of Galahad as he moved through the crowd. He turned and suddenly hurled his sword at Galahad. Galahads’ arm moved so quickly it was a blur. He dodged to the left and as the blade flew past him, he caught the sword by its hilt, and broke out into a laugh. “Only one person I have ever known would be brazen enough to throw his only weapon at someone.” The man laughed back. “If you weren’t Galahad, I would have had no problem retrieving it.” “Kolaf, I haven’t seen you since we finished our training. You are still the same, as sure and confident as ever.” “And you Galahad, you have become everything that Master thought that you would become. We have followed your exploits.” “I did nothing that anyone else wouldn’t have done if needed.” Galahad replied somberly. Kolaf smiled. “As a true defender would respond. Ok then, come on the mayor and captain of the guard are down at the jail interrogating a hobgoblin that was captured.” Galahad handed the sword back to Kolaf and the two shook hands. Then the two headed off toward the jail.

As they walked toward the jail Galahad looked around at the damage. Some of the buildings were completely destroyed, and others were seriously damaged. Some were still smoldering, smoke slowly rising up. He remembered back to days of old. The streets were busy with daily life. The shops were open, the merchants busy selling their wares. Children were running around playing games on the corners. The city built high in the trees seemed so safe and happy. The air was filled with the sounds of happiness. Now this happened. This attack has damaged more than just the city. The people who live here have suffered immensely.

When they arrived at the jail, they entered through the door, they immediately saw a hobgoblin, beaten and bloodied tied to a chair. The hobgoblin saw them enter and let a grin grow onto his face, showing his pointed sharp teeth. His eyes were blood red as he stared at the new arrivals. “Ah two more to join the game. Well, you will get no more from me than the others.” Galahad entered the room and looked over. “Stinking hobgoblins.” Kriel the Capt. of the guard, was an older warrior close to fifty years old. He had massive arms and shoulders, but his age was beginning to creep up on him. His face was beginning to show his age the most, his beard had begun to gray. His face had begun to show the signs of starting to wrinkle. He moved with just a hint of a limp, but he still was a foreboding man. He leaned against the front of his desk, and looked over. “Kolaf I knew you’d be here, but who . . . Galahad? Yes it is you. By the ghods.” Galahad walked over and shook Kriels’ hand. “My friend I wish this meeting was at a better time, what has happened here.” Kriel responded. “They attacked out of nowhere. We held them at the platforms for a while, till the dragon appeared. It stayed out of the range of our archers and shot fireballs at the town. Then the second horde attacked. We managed to fight them off but not before their damage was done. They kept screaming for the one. We captured this one but it won’t talk.” Galahad walked over to the grinning hobgoblin. “The one huh, I’ll be right back.” He then grabbed the hobgoblin by the leather armor it was wearing, lifting it and the chair off the ground and walked into the next room slamming the door shut behind him.

Kriel and Kolaf stood there in amazement. “Can he really be as powerful as the stories told of him?” Kriel thought to himself. Not a sound was heard from the room for several minutes. They stood waiting. Finally Kriel folded his arms over his chest, and leaned back against his desk. Kolaf sat down in a chair and leaned back, when suddenly, a shriek pierced the air. Then just as suddenly as it began it stopped, the room was deathly quiet again. When the door opened up Galahad stepped out of the room. Kriel looked at Galahad. “Well?”

Galahad raised his hand that was holding the hobgoblin’s head. His face now with a look of absolute terror on it. “Well. It’s not grinning and thinking it’s funny anymore. It did not know who the one is but it is hiding and massing an army in the depths of the undead realm. ” Kriel stood up straight. “The ud realm. Figures, they are hiding right under our noses. I should have known that. We shall get reinforcements and attack right away.” “No!” Replied Galahad. “The only way will be a small force to attack.” “Then I shall go. “Kriel then responded. Galahad shook his head. “No, your work is here in town. This is where you are needed. Protect your citizens and get the town’s defenses back up. Just in case the attack fails. They will know that you are aware of its plans and will attack in full force.” Kolaf looked at Galahad. “Sounds like you’re planning on going.”
“Well,” responded Galahad. “I have nothing here in town to do.” Kolaf shook his head. “Well I’m going too then.” “All right then we shall go.”At that moment the door swung open and a young wizard entered the room. He was dressed in a typical wizard robe that was hiding most of his features. He was quite tall. Close to six and a half feet tall. He couldn’t have been more than seventeen years in age, with long blonde hair. His eyes were ice blue and with a cold stare that burned through to your soul. His facial features clearly showed him as a half elf. Galahad stared at him with spite. The wizard looked at Galahad. “I know how you feel about wizards Galahad. But I will be joining you whether you like it or not.”Galahad glared back at the young wizard. “You . . . you walk in here and proclaim you are coming along. Well fingerwiggler, why should you come with us? Where were you in the defense of Oakvael? Sniveling in a corner? Waiting for your chance to escape?” The young wizard glared back at Galahad. “First of all, my name is Malkamus, not fingerwiggler. And I was not here when the attack happened. My Master had sent me to Axe Glacier for reagents. I just returned to find my Master slaughtered and the town attacked. And I shall be coming with you.” Galahad looked Malkamus over. He sensed something about this wizard, but shook it out of his mind. “Fine come along if you wish. But if I’m hit by one of your errant magic missiles, I’ll cut you down myself.” Malkamus laughed. “I’ll be ready in a half day. I’ll meet you at the south platform.” And walked away. “•••• fingerwiggler, his arrogance will get us all killed.” But yet Galahad couldn’t completely shake his feeling about him. Galahad turned to Kolaf. “Go, clean yourself up and get ready. We will leave in a half day.” As Kolaf left, Galahad turned to Kriel. “Fear not my friend I came to visit, and we will when this is over.”

As he left the jail, he heard a voice. “Sir?” Galahad turned around, he looked down and there was the young boy from earlier. “Sir? Mr. Galahad . . . you’re going after the evil, aren’t you?” Galahad smiled at the youngster. “ I plan on making sure you will grow old and die happy.” The young boy smiled and stood up tall. “And for my father I will. I’ve got something that I want you to have sir.” The boy opened up a sack he was dragging behind him. “These were my father’s . I would like you to have them.” He opened the bag and pulled out a set of full plate armor. “My grandfather made this for my daddy, it has no weight and it is enchanted with fire and ice protection, it also has protects you from being stunned, and really good defense.” “My grandfather was said to be touched by the ghods themselves. He was a great blacksmith. His skills were known worldwide.” Galahad took the armor and felt a twinge run through his arm and body. It did weigh next to nothing. The boy smiled. “I knew the armor would accept you.” Galahad looked back down at the boy. The boy smiled again. “You will see when the time comes.” He then pulled out a black double-sided axe, as he handed it to Galahad he said. “My grandfather never told anyone what he made that out of but it returns to you when you throw it.” Galahad took the axe and examined it. It was perfectly balanced and felt as though it had an energy of its own. It too was extremely light. He had never seen a metal like it before. Then he felt another twinge through his arm. “Good, the axe has accepted you too.” Responded the boy. “Thank you I shall put these to good use. I only hope I can use them half as well as your father used them.” With that Galahad bowed. “We shall speak again when I return.”

Galahad returned to the platform and gathered up the remainder of his gear from where he had dropped it, and went to the temple. He entered and he laid out his equipment. He then knelt and began to pray to the ghods for their blessing on the war he was about to wage. For he knew a war was what it was to be. He held no preconceived notions on how gallant a cause it was, nor did he expect to come out of it alive. He could only hope he could guarantee the survival of Kolaf, and yes even that wizard.

Kolaf entered his house, went to the washbasin and washed the blood from his hands and arms. Then he rinsed off his face and tossed out the water. He then walked into the bedroom and removed the bloodstained armor he still had on. He then walked over to the bed and knelt down. He reached under and slid out a wooden locker. Kolaf picked up the locker and set it on the bed. As he opened it he thought back to when he placed the box under there. He was madly in love with Elise. They were to be married as soon as he returned from the battle he was called to. But alas it was not meant to be, she was attacked and killed a week before his return. From that day on he had sworn to never prepare for war again. And until this day he had kept his promise. But today he could not stand by and let this happen. Elise would never expect him to nor ask him to. Her image began to fade away. Kolaf snapped out of the daydream. He pulled his red dragon scales out and set them on the bed. Next he pulled out a set of Defender bracers and a set of Master swordsman gauntlets. He then removed a finely crafted pair of boots. The material they were made of was unrecognizable. Rumor has it that a wizard had given them to him as a gift for saving his family. The boots are said to double the wearer’s reflexes and actions. Then finally, a sword that was wrapped in a finely woven silk sheet. Kolaf then knelt down and began to meditate. After he finished meditating, he dressed and prepared himself for battle. When he was finished, he stood and unwrapped the sword. He then held it in his hands. As he removed it from the sheath, it emitted a slight glow. When the blade was fully exposed, the glow grew into a tremendous blinding flash. When the flash subsided, the blade became visible. There were mystic runes carved into the length of it on both sides of the blade. Each rune’s outline held a faint glow. The sword was perfectly balanced. It was crafted from the finest, most exotic metals known. Then it was enchanted by a powerful wizard. Kolaf stared at the blade for a moment. “Yes my friend, it has been a long time.” He then slid it back in the sheath, and placed it over his head. He adjusted it into position and tightened the strap around his chest. He then turned and walked out of the house to meet the rest.

Meanwhile Malkamus had returned to his masters’ home. He entered the foyer and looked around. The place felt strangely empty. There truly was nothing left for him there. He went to his room at the back of the house and grabbed a backpack. He then opened a closet door and grabbed a shimmering, nearly invisible set of armor hanging there. Malkamus tossed it in the bag. He then grabbed a short sword and tossed it in the bag also. When he was finished, he closed the bag and left the room. He walked back down the hallway and into the large livingroom. He glanced around and laying on the desk was his masters’ ring. Malkamus walked over to it and picked it up. He then grabbed a piece of leather string and ran it through the ring. Then tying it around his neck he swore an oath of vengeance to his slain master. As he left the house he turned, lowered his head and thanked his Master one last time. Then he left, not looking back.

As Galahad prayed, he readied himself. He dressed in the full plate the boy gave him. It indeed weighed nothing on him. As soon as he tightened the last lashing, he again felt a twinge and the sense of an awesome power. He threw his sheathed blue broad sword over his shoulder belted the finely crafted axe. Readjusted his gear and knelt one last time. He uttered a final prayer. “Ghoddess of war grant me the chance to rid this land of the evil that has appeared. For if it is your wish. I shall be victorious. Ghoddess of light and all that is just. Grant me the knowledge to know what is right. For with your guidance I shall be just. He stood up and exited the temple.

As he exited the temple, Galahad heard a ruckus over by the south platform. He ran over and as he approached, he immediately saw the cause of the disturbance. For there stood a Druid, and not just any Druid. Alina the defender of the forest herself was standing there. “There is no way Galahad is going to allow a wizard with him into battle. No matter what I sense from him.” Kolaf responded. “I don’t understand it either. Galahad has no use for them but I was there when he agreed.” Alina spoke back. ”There’s no way. Galahad doesn’t even like me, let alone allow this young wizard into a battle with him.” “There are far too few people I like, perhaps it is time I change that. Hello Alina how are you? It has been a very long time.” Galahad spoke as he approached. Alina turned around. “Hello Galahad I’m fine, thank you. I sensed your return the moment you entered my forest.” “What brings you here Alina?” Galahad asked. Alina responded. “I shall not stand by and let this go unpunished. I am the protector of the forest, Oakvael is in my forest, it has always been under my protection, whether they knew it or not.” Galahad nodded. “I’d expect nothing less from the mighty Druid. It will be an honor to stand in battle beside you again.” Kolaf stepped up.”We should be going then.” Galahad replied. “Very well then let’s go, and Malkamus, don’t forget what I said.”

Posted By: Bmat Dec 01, 2004 - 09:42 am

Your quote in the first paragraph is not a quote from the point of view of Galahad. If he is thinking to himself then the quote needs to say it has been years since I was here. The second quote is the same way, they are part of the narrative and not actually what Galahad is thinking. to should be too. Permitting etc is not a complete sentence. The paragraph is choppy with so many short sentences.

Second paragraph: in this as well as the first you have put in commas where they probably should not be, such as after chirping.

paragraph 4. The first sentence is awkward- "from him" in particular.

para 5. OK is modern day slang and may not fit in the time period that you are writing for.

Now this happened. This attack has damaged more than just the city. The people who live here have suffered immensely. - Now this had happened. The attack had damaged more than just the city. The people who lived here had suffered immensely. (I am not sure about the people who lived (?) here, but I think to put it in present tense does not fit in with the first few sentences of the paragraph that are in past tense. I think that since Galahad is not speaking, since it is part of the narrative, that it needs to be in past tense. If he were thinking, then it could be in present.

When they arrived at the jail, they entered through the door, they immediately saw a hobgoblin, beaten and bloodied tied to a chair.-you need an "and" before they immediately saw. comma after bloodied.

blood red is OK, you have just used it previously- bloodied- but it should be OK.

show his age the most,- you had just used the word age, this may be OK, though.


"Then the two headed off toward the jail.

As they walked toward the jail..." You don't need both of these. You could omit one of them.


I wonder if the one should be capitalized?


the one is but it is hiding and massing - the "it" is a little confusing


“Well,” responded Galahad. “I have nothing here in town to do.” Kolaf shook his head. “Well I’m going too then.” “All right then we shall go.”- this seems wordy.

is madly in love too contemporary an expression?


exited the temple. I wonder if left the temple would sound better, but it's up to you.

I don't think you need both exited the temple's, Perhaps one could be omitted.

“What brings you here Alina?” Galahad asked. Alina responded. “I shall not stand by and let this go unpunished. - This interaction confuses me- if it is her forest then why does he need to ask what brings her there? What is it that she shall not stand by and let go unpunished?

The revision shows a great step forward. Some shaking down still needs to be done. With some tightening you could have a strong story going on. You are painting an effective picture of the world you are creating.

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 01, 2004 - 10:33 am

ok as always thanx. I used "it" because at the moment noone knows if the one is male, female, human or demon so i figured it was a safe bet.
anything I have read with druids made me feel that they never associated with other races besides elves. So I figured if she was in a human town Galahad would ask. The reason she is there i believe you are correct, I will elaborate more on. All the rest of your suggestions I shall fix in my next rewrite. If you feel my observations about the "one" and druids is incorrect, please let me know and I will work on them also. Thanx again John

Posted By: talisman Dec 01, 2004 - 10:51 am

Ok, I'll just give you my opinion on the first 3 paragraphs, though I expect what I say can apply to most of them in general. Firstly, they're quite good, but I think they could flow better in places. You also need to vary your use of words a little in places.

edit: which is exactly what I didn't do above.... lol :: bangs head on wall ::

<< Galahad stopped as he entered the forest. He took a deep breath while thinking to himself. “It had been years since he was last here.”

Ok, so other than what has already been said, I think you'd be better not to bother saying what he thinks, since he doesn't think much in this case. Why not just say...


<< Galahad stopped as he entered the forest. It had been years since he was last here.

Unless he's thinking something more than a half line of text, I wouldn't bother *saying* he thinks anything, perhaps with the exception of during dialogue.


Following that you start four short sentences with 'he'. I'm not sure that's a good idea.

The part between "A slight smirk...reign of terror." repeats the word 'that' too often .

Again, don't bother with the 'thought to himself' bit. Just put it in as normal prose.


<< He looked around, the trees stood tall and full.

I'd suggest (though with some thought this could easily be bettered):


<< He looked around. Trees stood tall and full, their canopy of leaves thick and lush, colored in shades of green, brown, and orange.

It helps the flow of the sentence(s) better, which I think applies in the other paragraphs too.


<< They filtered the sunlight as it shone down through them. Permitting a soft light through with an occasional ray of brighter light.

Again, try this:

They filtered the sunlight, permitting [permeating might sound better] a soft light through[out] the forest.


Now you mention grass...yet you entered a forest. If you're talking about the forest edge, it might be worth saying so.


<< He tightened the straps on his armor and tossed his sword back over his shoulder.

Perhaps you have good reason for this, but why does he loosen his straps, remove his sword, look around, then replace his sword and tighten the straps again...seems like he did it to fill a few paragraphs to me lol


<< He quickly began to make his way to Oakvael

Say more about it, than just 'a tree town'. Maybe say how he knows about it, or who lives there etc. This could give you a few paragraphs of things to write about.


<< that the town was built on

"with/on which the town was built" is better.


<< When he arrived on the platform, he then truly saw the damage that had been done

Come on, he's climbed the ladder and seen terrible destruction. Its more than just 'done'. Its wrought or inflicted...


I liked the last sentence of paragraph 2. Nice job.


<< As it got within range, the hobgoblin lunged at Galahad

You already say hobgoblin twice before, maybe say 'creature' this time.


<< quick as a bolt of lightning

I'd avoid common phrases like that.


<< ground and ripped its windpipe out.

A bit messy I'd imagine. You do make it sound a little too clinical, but it depends what age/type of reader you're aiming for I guess.


<< He then pulled a dagger from his forearm.

I'm sure the reader will understand what you mean, but it does sound as if he just ripped a dagger out from his own arm lol
Maybe mentioning earlier that he keeps daggers in some kind of strap on his arms would help.


<< He shoved it deep into its chest, piercing its heart.

Avoid 'it' too often.


<< The townspeople stood in amazement as Galahad stood

Eveyone 'stood'. Perhaps the townspeople would gather, congregate or something different.


<< cleaned the blood from his dagger.

What with? His hand? Since you mention blood here, perhaps mention it further up when he rips the windpipe out etc


Hope those comments help a bit.

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 01, 2004 - 12:40 pm

thanx for your imput too. I appresiate it, the reason Galahad loosened his straps and such was definately not to fill a paragragh. His intention was to stop and rest now that he had entered the forest. But before he could rest he got the feeling that something was wrong. I'll have to add that I see. the grass bit forgive me I live in Florida so what little forest we have left here has some grass groing where there is enough light for it. but yes it was at the edge of the forest in the story. about the tree town this story is the middle of a three part story the tree town along with the filler and history of everywhere and everyone is the first part. I just didn't write that part first. the windpipe part I didn't want to get to gory but you guys feel i should elaborate on that tell me, I have no problem with gore, it will be an adult or atleast older teen audience. But please keep it coming this is why I am posting this here. I'm glad I found this site. All of your help is greatly appreciated. Like you guys I would probably catch a lot of these errors if I was reading someone else's. But i keep forgetting that although I know the context and direction the story is going everybody else does not.

Posted By: talisman Dec 02, 2004 - 09:37 am

<< His intention was to stop and rest now that he had entered the forest

Well, in that case, perhaps he should do a few more activities related to resting. For instance, drinking from something, a bottle or a stream, sitting on a log...etc. Also, talking about him feeling tired would make it obvious to the reader why he stopped.

<< about the tree town this story is the middle of a three part story the tree town along with the filler and history of everywhere and everyone is the first part.

I take 'part' to mean book. What I notice with most fantasy trilogies, is the author generally briefly explains the characters,locations etc again when he starts a new book, rather than assuming the reader has read the first book in the series. Must be a bit boring to keep re-explaining everything, but its probably necessary.

<< I just didn't write that part first. the windpipe part I didn't want to get to gory but you guys feel i should elaborate on that tell me, I have no problem with gore,

Everyone has different views from what I've seen. I'd personally describe it a bit more, or at least draw out the fighting part of the scene to cover some more lines/paragraphs. It does happen a bit quick, even though in real life I know it would be a pretty fast event.

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 02, 2004 - 01:59 pm

Ok sorry, I didn't explain myself completely. It is not going to be three seperate books. It will be one book but three sections. This section here that I have been posting is actually five chapters.That fight scene was meant to be just a quick grab and kill as to say. if you would like I can go ahead and post the rest of the chapters for you so you can get a complete feel for it. I just figured I would do one chapter at a time so as to not waste everybody's time reading them before the first chapter was somewhat readable, with all of your help it seems to be coming along, I think. My reasoning for not putting in the stuff like drinking and such was that he got his "feeling" about trouble before he had time to do anything. I may be wrong which is why I need the input I am receiving from you. If I am then I will definately fix it. If you all feel that I should describe the town and all that in this section then I will. I would like this to be readable and enjoyable, so I will add as needed.I have done some more rewriting on the first chapter already. I'll wait to see if you feel I should still add the stuff you mentioned now that you know that it will be one book. The first part of it will contain the birth and training and such of all the major people in it along with the world they are living in. The last part is going to be a handing down of responsibilities from these heroes to a new hero, so to say. Please keep the suggestions coming this is my first attempt at something like this so i'm still learning. Thanx as always John

Posted By: talisman Dec 03, 2004 - 11:27 am

I understand now. It does seem that you're trying to fit a lot into a very small space. You certainly have the ability to slow the story down with good descriptive chunks, so I'd recommend making use of that to ability to cover events in more details and let the book expand into several books perhaps. Of course that might then become a bit daunting. lol

However, I do see what you mean about having quick events, which occur all of a sudden. I'm not sure what to suggest really, other than you need to find what your comfy with - if that's quick, short events then use those.

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 03, 2004 - 11:37 am

Cool but i assure you not all the combat will be that quick that was just an ambush, well sort of an ambush anyway. I just figured one book would be better that way the whole story could be told at once. But who knows if all of you feel seperate books would be better then it can always become seperate books. I'll try to explain my reasons behind stuff better to you all so that there is a better understanding of my intentions in the future. Thanx again John

Posted By: Bmat Dec 03, 2004 - 11:46 am

I don't know if this is on exactly the same subject, but I read a book that had frequent and detailed battle scenes. It got so that I would grumble as I read "Oh. Great. Another battle scene." It got so that I didn't bother reading the battle scenes at all.

So I'd agree with chosing what you want to be detailed.

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 03, 2004 - 11:52 am

ok good there are some extended battle scenes but yes i agree to much detail can make a battle boring to read. I will expand some but will keep some short and quick. I'll go ahead and post this new rewrite and wait for your opinions on it like i said if you want me to I can post the other chapters too, but they are as rough as this first one.

Posted By: Aeawyn Dec 16, 2004 - 03:58 pm

seemed alittle too robotic, try and flow things together and use more compound sentences/complex. Also, when he is thinking, its kind of weird. Its like third person in his head O.o