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Posted By: Malkamus Dec 03, 2004 - 12:16 pm

Alright y'all see if this is an improvement, I sure hope that it is. I'm sure all of you are getting tired of me having to bother you. But I am very grateful for your patience and input.


Chapter One


Galahad stopped as he entered the forest and took a deep breath thinking to himself that it had been years since he was last here. This was as good a place as any to rest before he continued home. Galahad released the buckle and slid his sheathed sword over his head and set it against a tree. He loosened the straps on his white dragon scale armor. He rolled his head around to get the kink out of his neck. A slight grin crossed his lips as he drifted back to the surprised look on the dragon’s face as he finished that battle. The dragon was so confident that he could not put an end to its reign of terror. Galahad then pulled his hair back and tied it out of the way. He took another deep breath, he was happy to be back. It had been far to long since he was last home. He looked around, the trees stood tall and full. The canopy of leaves overhead was thick and lush, colored in shades of green, brown, and orange. Filtering the sunlight as it shone through, permitting a soft light through with an occasional ray of brighter light. The wind was blowing lightly, rustling the grass and the leaves that were laying on the ground. It was a welcome sight to Galahad. Until then he had not realized until then how much he missed the forest he grew up in.

As he stood there looking around, he sensed that something was wrong. There were no birds chirping or any of the sounds of smaller animals running around. He had yet to even see a single deer or wolf. He tightened the straps on his armor and tossed his sword and scabbard back over his shoulder. He quickly began to make his way to Oakvael. As he neared the tree town, his feeling grew stronger. When he arrived at the rope ladder, his fear was confirmed. The town was in complete turmoil. From the ground below Galahad could see smoke coming from several areas. Many of the rope bridges that acted as streets linking each larger platform that the town was built on were damaged. It was as if an army had razed the place. Galahad climbed up the rope ladder. When he arrived on the platform, he then truly saw the damage that had been inflicted. The townspeople were in disarray. Some were trying to put out fires, while others were busy clearing the debris. There was a strong feeling of dread in the air, as thick and heavy as the smoke from the fires.

As Galahad stepped off the platform and onto the landing, a hobgoblin sprang out of the shadows screaming. "For the One, I will rip you apart." The beast closed the distance between them quickly. As it got within range, the hobgoblin lunged at Galahad swinging its short sword. Galahad dodged to the right even as he turned to find the creature. As the sword swung past him, Galahad reached out with a massive arm, and grabbed it by the throat. In one movement that was as quick as a bolt of lightning, he took the hobgoblin to the ground and ripped its windpipe out. Then as he stood over the dying hobgoblin. He let a slight grin appear on his face. “Hmm I don’t believe you’ll be doing anything for this one any longer.” He then pulled a dagger from the sheath on his forearm. He shoved the dagger deep into the monster’s chest, piercing its heart. The townspeople watched in amazement as Galahad tore a piece of cloth from the dead hobgoblin and cleaned the blood from his dagger. He then stood up and returned the dagger to its place on his forearm.

Galahad turned around and walked to a community well that was across the platform from him. He drew a bucket of water and began to wash his hands. A young boy walked up to Galahad. “Excuse me sir.” Galahad turned around to see a small boy standing before him dirty and bloody. He leaned down and picked up a cloth rag, he dipped it in the bucket and began to clean the dirt off the boys’ face. The boy looked up, his eyes were full of tears. “They killed my father and I could only stop one of them.” Galahad looked down at the boy with a look of sadness and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Do not cry any more young one. For you showed your true manhood and courage today, your father died proud.” He then stood up and with a look in his eyes that could only be described by those that saw it as a mixture of sorrow, hate, and disdain. He looked around and took in all of the damage and death. The little boy pulled Galahads’ arm. “Excuse me sir?” Galahad looked back down at the child. “Are you Galahad?” Galahad answered in a somber voice. “Yes I am.” The boy looked up at him with awe. “I knew it the moment I saw you kill that hobgoblin. Only you could have done that, you are talked about by everyone.” Galahad stood there. “I am no one special or I would have been here to stop this. I do what is needed of me, I am just a servant to the times.” “ Will you help me avenge my father sir?” The boy asked. Galahad took a long look at the young boy. “ Avenge your father by growing old and dying happy young one. You have seen enough pain to last a lifetime. Vengeance will only turn your heart black. Once you travel down that road, it is nearly impossible to switch paths. Now, where are the mayor and captain of the guard?”

One of the townspeople looked over at Galahad, and spoke in a sarcastic voice. “Why, do you think you can do that to all of the hordes?” Galahad glanced over at him. “If that is what has to be done.” “ You better have some respect.” The young boy screamed. “This is Galahad and that hobgoblin could have been attacking any one of us.” Whispers started rising up from the crowd. “Galahad is here? Can it be? Has he really returned?” One person worked his way through the crowd. He was cut and bloody. His sword was still in his hand. He stood about six feet tall. He was wearing a set of studded leather armor, smeared in blood. He never took his eyes off of Galahad as he moved through the crowd. He turned and suddenly hurled his sword at Galahad. Galahads’ arm moved so quickly it was a blur. He dodged to the left and as the blade flew past him, he caught the sword by its hilt and broke out into a laugh. “Only one person I have ever known would be brazen enough to throw his only weapon at someone.” The man laughed back. “If you weren’t Galahad, I would have had no problem retrieving it.” “Kolaf, I haven’t seen you since we finished our training. You are still the same, as sure and confident as ever.” “And you Galahad, you have become everything that Master thought that you would become. We have followed your exploits.” “I did nothing that anyone else would have done if needed.” Galahad replied somberly. Kolaf smiled. “As a true defender would respond. Very well then, come on the mayor and captain of the guard are down at the jail interrogating a hobgoblin that was captured.” Galahad handed the sword back to Kolaf and the two shook hands. Then the two headed off toward the jail. As they walked, Galahad looked around at the damage. Some of the buildings were completely destroyed, others were seriously damaged. Some were still smoldering, smoke slowly rising up. He remembered back to days of old. The streets were busy with daily life. The shops were open, the merchants busy selling their wares. Children were running around playing games on the corners. The city built high in the trees seemed so safe and happy. The air was filled with the sounds of happiness. Now this happened. This attack has damaged more than just the city. The people who lived here have suffered immensely.

When they arrived at the jail, they entered through the door and they immediately saw a hobgoblin, beaten and bloodied, tied to a chair. The hobgoblin saw them enter and let a grin grow onto his face, showing his pointed razor sharp teeth. His eyes were blood red as he stared at the new arrivals. “Ah two more to join the game. Well, you will get no more from me than the others.” Galahad entered the room and looked over. “Stinking hobgoblins.” Kriel the Capt. Of the guard, was an older warrior close to fifty years old. He had massive arms and shoulders, but his age was beginning to creep up on him. His face was beginning to show this the most, his beard had begun to gray and begun to show the signs of starting to wrinkle. He moved with just a hint of a limp, but he still was a foreboding man. He leaned against the front of his desk, and looked over. “Kolaf I knew you’d be here, but who . . . Galahad? Yes it is you. By the ghods.” Galahad walked over and shook Kriels’ hand. “My friend I wish this meeting was at a better time, what has happened here.” Kriel responded. “They attacked out of nowhere. We held them at the platforms for a while, till the dragon appeared. It stayed out of the range of our archers and shot fireballs at the town. Then the second horde attacked. We managed to fight them off but not before their damage was done. They kept screaming for the one. We captured this one but it won’t talk.” Galahad walked over to the grinning hobgoblin. “The One huh, I’ll be right back.” He then grabbed the hobgoblin by the leather armor it was wearing, lifting it and the chair off the ground and walked into the next room slamming the door shut behind him.

Kriel and Kolaf stood there in amazement. “Could the stories be true? Could he really have become as powerful as they say?” Kriel thought to himself. Not a sound was heard from the room for several minutes. The two stood there waiting for Galahad to exit the room. Finally Kriel folded his arms over his chest, and leaned back against his desk. Kolaf sat down in a chair and leaned back. When suddenly a shriek pierced the air. Then just as suddenly as it began it stopped, the room was deathly quiet again. When the door opened up Galahad stepped out of the room. Kriel looked at Galahad. “Well?”

Galahad raised his hand that was holding the hobgoblin’s head. It’s face now with a look of absolute terror on it. “Well. It’s not grinning and thinking it’s funny anymore. The filthy creature did not know who the One is, but it is hiding and massing an army in the depths of the undead realm. ” Kriel stood up straight. “The ud realm. That figures, they are hiding right under our noses. I should have known that. We shall get reinforcements and attack right away.” “No!” Replied Galahad. “The only way will be a small force to attack.” “Then I shall go.” Kriel responded. Galahad shook his head. “No, your work is here in town, this is where you are needed. Protect your citizens and get the town’s defenses back up. Just In case the attack fails. They will know that you are aware of this One’s plans and will attack in full force.” Kolaf looked at Galahad. “Sounds like you’re planning on going.” “Well,” responded Galahad. “I have nothing here in town to do.” Kolaf shook his head. “Well I’m going too then.” At that moment the door swung open and a young wizard entered the room. He was dressed in a typical wizard robe that hid most of his features. He was quite tall. Close to six and a half feet tall. He couldn’t have been more than seventeen years in age, with long blonde hair. His eyes were ice blue with a cold stare that burned through to your soul. His facial features clearly showed him as a half elf. Galahad stared at him with spite. The wizard looked at Galahad. “I know how you feel about wizards Galahad. But I will be joining you whether you like it or not.”Galahad glared back at the young wizard. “You . . . you walk in here and proclaim you are coming along. Well fingerwiggler, why should you come with us? Where were you in the defense of Oakvael? Sniveling in a corner? Waiting for your chance to escape?” The young wizard glared back at Galahad. “First of all, my name is Malkamus, not fingerwiggler. And I was not here when the attack happened. My Master had sent me to Axe Glacier for reagents. I had just returned to find my Master slaughtered and the town attacked. And I shall be coming with you.” Galahad looked Malkamus over. He sensed something about this wizard, but shook it out of his mind. “Fine come along if you wish. But if I’m hit by one of your errant magic missiles, I’ll cut you down myself.” Malkamus laughed. “I’ll be ready in a half day, I’ll meet you at the south platform.” The young wizard then walked back out the door and disappeared. “•••• fingerwiggler, his arrogance will get us all killed.” But yet Galahad couldn’t completely shake that feeling about him. Galahad turned to Kolaf. “Go clean yourself up and get ready, we will leave in a half day.” As Kolaf left, Galahad turned to Kriel. “Fear not my friend I came to visit, and we will when this is over.”

As he left the jail, he heard a voice. “Sir?” Galahad turned around, he looked down and there was the young boy from earlier. “Sir? Mr. Galahad . . . you’re going after the evil, aren’t you? ”Galahad smiled at the youngster.“ I plan on making sure you can grow old and die happy.” The young boy smiled and stood up tall. “And for my father I will. I’ve got something that I want you to have sir.” The boy opened up a sack he was dragging behind him. “These were my father’s . I would like you to have them.” He opened the bag and pulled out a set of full plate armor. The armor was pitch black, with mystical etchings across the breast plate. Looking at it made you feel you were staring into the abyss. “My grandfather made this for my daddy, it has no weight and it is enchanted with fire and ice protection, it also protects you from being stunned, and it has really good defense.” “My grandfather was said to be touched by the ghods themselves. He was a great blacksmith. His skills were known throughout the world.” Galahad took the armor and felt a twinge run through his arm and body. It did weigh next to nothing. The boy smiled. “I knew the armor would accept you.” Galahad looked back down at the boy. The boy smiled again. “You will see when the time comes.” He then pulled out a black double-sided axe, as he handed it to Galahad he said. “My grandfather never told anyone what he made that out of but it returns to you when you throw it.” Galahad took the axe and examined it. It was perfectly balanced and felt as though it had an energy of its own. It too was extremely light. He had never seen a metal like it before. Then he felt another twinge through his arm. “Good, the axe has accepted you too.” Responded the boy. “Thank you I shall put these to good use. I only hope I can use them half as well as your father used them.” With that Galahad bowed. “We shall speak again when I return.”

Galahad returned to the platform and gathered up the remainder of his gear from where he had dropped it and went to the temple. He entered and he laid out his equipment. He then knelt and began to pray to the ghods for their blessing on the war he was about to wage. For he knew a war was what it was to be. He held no preconceived notions on how gallant a cause it was, nor did he expect to come out of it alive. He could only hope he could guarantee the survival of Kolaf, and yes even that wizard.

Kolaf entered his house, went to the washbasin and washed the blood from his hands and arms. He then rinsed off his face and tossed out the water. He walked into the bedroom and removed the bloodstained armor he still had on. He walked over to the bed and knelt down. He reached under and slid out a wooden locker. Kolaf picked up the locker and set it on the bed. As he opened it he thought back to when he placed the box under there. He was so in love with Elise. They were to be married as soon as he returned from the battle he was called to. But alas it was not meant to be, she was attacked and killed a week before his return. From that day forth he had sworn to never prepare for war again. And until this day he had kept his promise. But today he could not stand by and let this happen. Elise would never expect him to nor ask him to. As her image began to fade away, Kolaf snapped out of the daydream. He pulled his red dragon scales out and set them on the bed. Next he pulled out a set of Defender bracers and a set of Master swordsman gauntlets. He then removed a finely crafted pair of boots. The material they were made of was unrecognizable. Rumor has it that a wizard had given them to him as a gift for saving his family. The boots are said to double the wearer’s reflexes and actions. Then finally, a sword that was wrapped in a finely woven silk sheet. Kolaf then knelt down and began to meditate. After he finished meditating, he dressed and prepared himself for battle. When he was finished, he stood and unwrapped the sword. He then held it in his hands. As he removed it from the sheath, it began to emit a slight glow. When the blade was fully exposed, the glow grew into a tremendous blinding flash. When the flash subsided, the blade became visible. There were mystic runes carved into the length of it on both sides of the blade. Each rune’s outline held a faint glow. The sword was perfectly balanced, it was crafted from the finest, most exotic metals known. Then it was enchanted by a powerful wizard. Kolaf stared at the blade for a moment. “Yes my friend it has been a long time, you are needed once more.” He then slid it back in the sheath, and placed it over his head. He adjusted it into position and tightened the strap around his chest. He turned and walked out of the house to meet the rest.

Meanwhile Malkamus had returned to his masters’ home. He entered the foyer and looked around. The place felt strangely empty. There truly was nothing left for him there. He went to his room at the back of the house and grabbed a backpack. He walked over to the corner and opened a closet door and grabbed a shimmering nearly invisible set of armor hanging there. Malkamus tossed it in the bag. He then grabbed a short sword and tossed it in the bag also. When he was finished, he closed the bag and left the room. He walked back down the hallway and into the large livingroom. He glanced around and laying on the massive oak desk was his masters’ ring. Malkamus walked over to it and picked it up. Holding it in his hand a tear rolled down his face as he remembered the scene of his Masters’ death. He then grabbed a piece of leather string and ran it through the ring. Then tying it around his neck he swore an oath of vengeance to his slain master. As he left the house he turned, lowered his head and thanked his Master one last time. Then he walked out of the courtyard, not looking back.

As Galahad prayed, he readied himself. He dressed in the full plate the boy gave him. It indeed weighed nothing on him. As soon as he tightened the last lashing, he again felt a twinge and the sense of an awesome power. He threw his sheathed blue broad sword over his shoulder belted the finely crafted axe. Readjusted his gear and knelt one last time. He uttered a final prayer. “Ghoddess of war grant me the chance to rid this land of the evil that has appeared. For if it is your wish. I shall be victorious. Ghoddess of light and all that is just. Grant me the knowledge to know what is right. For with your guidance I shall be just.” He stood up and exited the temple.

As he exited the temple, Galahad heard a ruckus over by the south platform. He ran over and as he approached he immediately saw the cause of the disturbance. For there stood a Druid, and not just any Druid. Alina the defender of the forest herself was standing there. “There is no way Galahad is going to allow a wizard with him into battle. No matter what I sense from him.” Alina said. Kolaf responded. “I don’t understand it either. Galahad has no use for them but I was there when he agreed.” Alina spoke back. ”There’s no way. Galahad doesn’t even like me, let alone allow this young wizard into a battle with him.” “There are far too few people I like, perhaps it is time I change that. Hello Alina how are you? It has been a very long time.” Galahad spoke as he approached. Alina turned around. “Hello Galahad I’m fine, thank you. I sensed your return the moment you returned to my forest.” “What brings you here Alina?” Galahad asked. Alina responded. “I shall not stand by and let this death and devastation go unpunished. I am the protector of the forest, Oakvael is in my forest it has always been under my protection whether they knew it or not.” Galahad nodded. “I’d expect nothing less from a mighty Druid. It will be an honor to stand in battle beside you again.” Kolaf stepped up.”We should be going then.” Galahad replied. “Alright let’s go, and Malkamus, don’t forget what I said.”

Posted By: talisman Dec 03, 2004 - 01:41 pm

Okay, read through it all this time around...a few comments from all over the place...

<< Until then he had not realized until then how much he missed the forest he grew up in.

You use 'until then' twice in same sentence

<< you alternate between town and city and townspeople and citizens. I suggest sticking to one pairing, ideally town and townspeople.

You talk about the streets, yet would that be the right word to describe suspended walkways between trees. To bring this place to life, I think more references to its height, layout, design etc would be useful. All I imagine when I read is a typical village on the ground.

Not that describing something like that is easy...I'd find it difficult, but if you can force the image of it into the reader's mind more, that would be good.

<< When they arrived at the jail, they entered through the door

Unless they're entering through some obscure entrance, like a window, trapdoor or chimney, you need not explicitly say they entered through the door.

<< The two stood there waiting for Galahad to exit the room

or 'emerge'

Somewhere in there you also used 'figured' which is modern slang for thought and not really ideal for fantasy stories.

You also use 'of off', which isn't great English for a novel.

<< Holding it in his hand a tear rolled down his face as he remembered the scene of his Masters’ death.

Tell us more. The reader expects the scene to be described to them after that sentence.

So on the whole, the first bit I commented on in the other thread is better, and I don't know what changes you made to the rest, but its pretty good. There good dialogue in there, though without carriage returns/new lines for each person speaking it is a little hard to read.

Sorry for spelling errors in the post...too lazy to spell check it lol

Posted By: Bmat Dec 03, 2004 - 01:54 pm

The remembering should be set apart, somehow. Italics or quotes maybe

"Fear not, my friend, "

Is Masters' supposed to refer to more than one? If it is just one then it should be Master's.

My HO is that exiting the temple doesn't need to be said in both places.

A few commas seem to be missing.

This is closing in on not having any place that I can nitpick about.

Good luck with it!

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 03, 2004 - 02:00 pm

the description of the scene of his masters' death i did in another chapter figured the suspense would hold till then. the tree town will be described in detail in the first part too but i can elaborate on it now too. didn't realize i had done the town city and such i'll fix that didn't know if each dialog should be seperate lines or not i'll fix that too

Posted By: Malkamus Dec 03, 2004 - 02:24 pm

Ok how about he stood and left the temple. As he stepped outside

Posted By: Bmat Dec 03, 2004 - 02:50 pm

Maybe: omit he exited the temple from the preceding paragraph, and starting the next paragraph with Exiting the temple, he heard...

I'm not fond of the word exiting. Maybe Leaving. But it is your choice.

My suggestions are only ideas. You should go with your feelings. You are the artist.

Posted By: talisman Dec 04, 2004 - 02:06 am

<< i'll fix that didn't know if each dialog should be seperate lines or not i'll fix that too

yeah, usually every speaker has a new line. Descriptions of the speaker and their respective dialogue can be together though, I think.

Exiting and Exited aren't words that flow well imo. Leaving or left are better alternatives as Bmat says. Or even use 'On leaving the temple'.

<< He dressed in the full plate the boy gave him

Oh and this needs to be in the past tense...'had given'