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Posted By: irishwrestler21 Dec 05, 2004 - 08:59 am

(Please tell me if yall like it or if i should fix something)

My father had just returned from another one of his missions. I stood at the steps of the castle with my nurse and my two brothers. They stood tall and proud, and I stood there annoyed. I was dressed in my best dress, but it was all muddy. Before we had to go stand on the stone steps i was chasing the stable boy and pushed him into some mud, falling with him. I watched my father prance in and towards us. Mother stood behind us, her hands on my shoulders so I would not run to him. He nodded and dismounted the horse walking to the boys messing with their hair. They were twins, no older then 13, and I was only 8. I smiled as he came to me and kissed my forehead. He then would take mother into his arms and kiss her softly on her lips. I smiled seeing them kiss. He looked down to me and nodded.'You children, go run about and play. Just be careful.'

With that I would run upstairs and quickly change from the once pretty dress into my play clothes. I sped down stairs and found the stable boy grabbing his arm and making him come with me to the creek. He was a simple boy, not much taller then me. He had blue eyes, like the sky and sandy brown hair that went to the top of his ears. When we got to the creek we stopped at some stones staring at them. They were set up like little doll houses. Two stones for the walls and one flat stone as the top. I stared and whispered to the boy. 'Look, boy, fairies live here.'

He looked at me and smiled. 'You know, I do have a name. My name is Brian.' He looked to the little houses and nodded. 'Yes, fairies do live here..' He stared at the little house and moved past them to the shallow creek where we he would walk through carefully. When he reached the otherside of the creek he looked to me. 'Come along, Raven. I have a feeling that the fairies are soon to come.'
I moved quickly across the waters. I stopped in the middle of the creek and looked to the stone houses. He was right, the fairies were coming. I saw a small blue one fly out and go past me. I watched it as it flew around Brian's head and then came back towards me. It stopped right in my face. It came so close to my face, then kissed my nose. I think I heard it giggle as it flew off again. I smiled and went to Brian. 'Did you see that! A fairie kissed me!' I was excited as I got to where he was.

Posted By: Neurolanis Dec 06, 2004 - 07:37 am

Too short with too little to really be critical of. You seem to have a realistic sense of the location, and that setting seems to me to be the main aspect of the scene. (Not that it's a good thing or a bad thing.)

a simple boy, not much taller then me doesn't really work for me. Simple in what way? And the fact that he isn't much taller than her doesn't belong in the same sentence, or at least not without an "and".

The mention of faeries is done as-a-matter-of-factly, which could be considered hard to swallow by some, depending upon where it leads.

I'd like to read more.

Posted By: talisman Dec 06, 2004 - 10:17 am

It's quite well written and interesting.

However, in the first paragraph you use 'stood' too often. Try different words.

<< With that I would run upstairs and quickly change from the once pretty dress into my play clothes.

This is in the wrong tense compared to the rest of the story.

You might also want to throw in more description. It's a lot of events one after the other.