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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Showcase: SF/F Short Stories:
Opening of my book
Opening of my book
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I think the opening of my book may be a bit dull, and that could pose a problem for establishing interest with the reader. I have three possible openings, only one of which is written. This opening is posted below.
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Prologue
Some people say there is no such thing as destiny, that the universe is only a coincidence. Many long years ago, I may have believed them. I was young and nothing had shown me otherwise.
Earth and its children prospered in those days. Our great ships extended even to the frontier beyond our Milky Way, so distant that my young mind could not comprehend the distance. It was a time of dreams for mankind, and a time when those dreams came true on a whim. Every day brought another advance; every year carried the knowledge of an age. We laid bare the secrets of the vast universe, and when at last we lost our taste for exploration, we turned to the universe inside - to the microscopic wonders we knew so little about. The fields of bioengineering and nanoscience exploded as never before, funded by the richness of the worlds beyond our own. As a race, humanity was happy.
Or so I thought. It was an error of my young perception of things. In truth, the world was a much more complicated place than any of us could comprehend, even more complicated than Dr. Tremmel could have guessed; the brightest mind to come about in a century.
He did his work with the purest of intentions, with no malice in his heart. When he discovered the therapy that would make man immortal, he truly believed it was the final problem our race would ever face. But it was not so. Humanity had another destiny; and prosperity figured nowhere into it.
Dr. Tremmel’s company in St. Augustine saw the worth of his work that he did not. Where he saw a chance to help, they saw dollars. On the day they seized control from him, the darkest chapter in Earth’s long history began. They marketed the technique to the rich, excluding the poor from immortality. Seven centuries ago, the gap between rich and poor reached its very widest, and those on the lower end saw what was happening. They saw what needed to be done, but they were afraid.
So they remained subjugated until one of their own stepped forward to lead: Dieter Gershom, whose name makes me tremble to this day. A different man, he was, one with the zeal and the fire to change our race forever. I was lucky to leave Earth when I did, or his war would have entangled me as it did all the others.
In the end though, his cause was justified in the eyes of the Earth’s oppressed, and they united with him to drive out the ruling class. They called themselves Gershom’s Republic, and we were the Confederacy, lost on the edge of known space. Not lost, but exiled. We had our colonies, and they had Earth. Under their rule, the planet crumbled. Gershom’s Republic lasted four decades and then it fell, plunging the inhabitants of Earth into terrible darkness, from which they have only recently recovered.
Yes, I know what passes on the distant world that was once our home; I can see beyond this sky. I can see to the stars and planets far away, and that tiny craft named Ardent, tracing its way across the stars. It is the first ship to wander away from the Sun in all these years, and it will bring change to our new home. It will shake this world to its core, the same way Gershom shook the Earth. For it carries one whose destiny it is to end our peace. Or maybe not to end it, but to bring about a new kind of peace. I cannot know for certain, the future is never set in stone.
Chapter One: A Travelers’ Boon
The USC Ardent was silent and dark, it’s crew asleep, except for one. Alone, in a room lit only by a soft-glowing LCD on the wall, Devon Carter sat with a pen in his hand and an empty piece of paper on the desk before him. He checked the clock: 0530 GMT. Back home the sun would just be rising over the horizon, but Devon hadn’t been on Earth for five years, and he’d not seen the Sun for ninety-two days....
That's all I'm going to post. Please tell me if this could be used or not. My other plan is to start aboard the Ardent with Devon waking up to the sound of the evacuation alarm.
Posted By:  Magus Jan 19, 2005 - 01:47 pm |       | Hey, Gnollslayer. While what you posted here is not against anything the site says, and fits quite well, might I suggest you repost it under the "Writer's Showcase"? It would be brought to more people's attention that way and also is more likely to get a response that way.
But the choice is yours, either way.
Okay, I just didn't know where to put it because I'm not really trying to show it as a finished product, but am requesting help. I'll repost later, right now I'm getting settled into my new room.
| Posted By: Bmat Jan 19, 2005 - 05:16 pm | | [Moved to Showcase. Bmat]
| Posted By: Magus Jan 19, 2005 - 05:37 pm | | "As a race, humanity was happy."
This part doesn't seem to fit so well. I know what your getting at with it, and like it. But I think it should be reworded a bit.
"The whole of humanity was content." or maybe just simply "Humanity was content."
"It was an error of my young perception of things."
This could be changed to "It was an error on the perception of youth."
"In truth, the world was a much more complicated place than any of us could comprehend, even more complicated than Dr. Tremmel could have guessed; the brightest mind to come about in a century."
This doesn't work so well. I'd say get rid of what's beyond the semi-colon. And if you feel you need that, reading on I see that you just may, make another paragraph, a short one, and briefly introduce the good Doctor.
And the sentence "I was lucky to leave Earth when I did, or his war would have entangled me as it did all the others." could be shortened simply to "I was lucky to leave Earth when I did."
"Not lost, but exiled." could be changed to "No, not lost; exiled." And then make what follows another paragraph.
"Or maybe not to end it, but to bring about a new kind of peace. I cannot know for certain, the future is never set in stone."
If I were you I'd make this a new paragraph. And then I'd change it to something like "Maybe it wouldn't end it. But it would bring about another kind of peace, a new peace. But I do not know, not for sure. The future is plagued with uncertainty."
And then I love the start you have for the first chapter.
It's a shame that I haven't read this until now. Well, I have, but nothing truly signifigant. Maybe this will act as motivation to read the rest.
Thanks for the comments. I'll try to fix it up. Do you think it would work to just cut out the prologue and fill in the information it presents in other parts?
One thing that bugged me. Do you really think they will be using LCD's that far into the future? I mean, they're old talk right now.
You have to come up with new technology.
Other than that, I quite liked it.
Thanks. I kind of like having the LCD in Devon's room, because he is obsessed with ancient things, but for the other rooms it would work well to change to something more advanced. I still want them to be screens instead of holo-projected though. Technology was crippled by Gershom's Revolution.
I still think I should trim the prologue down a lot. I think I'll drop the history lesson and just give the premonition, and I'll attribute it to the Lady of Bereas.
| Posted By: Magus Jan 20, 2005 - 11:57 am | | You could try just introducing the information as it presents itself in the story. That could work.
I say keep the prologue around and try to work on the rest of the story to properly incorperate the information. If it works then you can get rid of it. If not then at least you still have it to lean back on.
This c=actually reminds me a lot of Galexy Express 999. I don't remember much of it, as I only saw it years ago and even then not all the way through. But it sounds a bit similer to what I remember, even then only really the immortality. But I think in the show they became robots to cheat death.
Good job!
Another idea I had for the opening, which I guess I'd better explain, is having the crew of the Ardent meet for the first time before the journey.
You see, the Ardent is important because it is an attempt by the people who stayed on Earth to restore contact with the ones who fled to the outer rim of known space. It's captain and it's pilot are the two most prominent figures in the Navy's Lunar Academy, and they are given the choice of whom they wish to bring on the mission. The pool of applicants numbers in the thousands, so those who finally are selected have won a great privilege. I was thinking that there could a ceremony to announce the crew, and that's where they meet for the first time.
| Posted By: Magus Jan 20, 2005 - 04:15 pm | | Sounds much better. The rologue you have curently isn't bad, but it's showing more then telling. I agree that it would improve a lot if you try that new idea out.
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