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Posted By: * raye * Feb 10, 2005 - 12:57 pm

as promised in the Writer's Discussion part. this is the beginning of a sequel my friend and I are writing. problem is, im stuck. HELP HELP HELP!!!
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Prologue Elektra -

"Its so nice to have a few peaceful moments, isn't it, Darling?" Tynan and I were relaxing in a hammock we'd constructed between two trees in the outer courtyard. He'd spoken softly, only slightly jostling my head which rested on his strong chest. I was about to answer when a serf came running out onto the lawn. He dropped to his knees in front of us in a customary salute even though Tynan and I kept insisting it wasn't necessary.

"Your Majesties" he began. Though I'd stopped looking about for someone other than myself when this was said, I still found it completely awkward.

"Master Tage's tournament is due to begin any moment. And Sire?" he asked, peering at Tynan. We sat up and he rolled his eyes.

"Let me guess, paperwork" he said the word as if it was poisonous and wrapped his long arm around my waist. He pecked my cheek before loping off to read and sign more paperwork. I headed over to the tournament ring to support our adopted son, Tage.

Tage was the ring-bearer in our wedding, a distant cousin of Tynan's. Not long after Tynan and I were married, Tage's grandmother, his only living relative (besides Tynan of course) and guardian, died of a mysterious disease. Even the Royal Physicians could not pinpoint the cause of death. Since then, Tage has lived with us in the palace.

Tage is a strong and healthy boy, twelve now, two years since his grandmother's death. He's adopted Tynan's stony mask of reserve and soon will develop his strong physique, I suspect.. He's he's still young but is already tall and thin, with a tendency toward being graceful and lithe, and already has adopted the same kind of silent strength to him that Tynan possesses. He has ear-length wavy brown hair, the color of the darkest chocolate, dark brown, not quite black. It always seems to be mussed up, tousled by one event or another. His eyes resemble a flaming emerald, as if someone threw the precious gem into a blazing fire; his skin a light bronze(ish) tan. I've seen many a young girl distracted by Tage's strong, silent charm and still he is oblivious to such reactions from the opposite gender. All in all, he may not have been Tynan's blood son, but in almost all aspects of his life, he was unquestionably his child.

If there was one skill that seems to thrive in our branch of the family it is our affinity for weaponry. From the beginning Tage was a prodigy and we trained him, finding him the best teachers to learn from. Like myself, he fights mostly with a two twin swords, though I suspect his will surpass mine in both length and weight.


I arrived at the tournament in time to see Tage defeat his opponent in the all-around, using the whip, not exactly his favorite weapon, but he was still supremely competent.

After the tournament, I caught up with my adopted son and congratulated him.

"Hey, sweetie, you did real good. Getting better with the whip, are you?"
"Well, I suppose. I didn't do that good, I made several mistakes my opponent could have taken advantage of." He spoke so confidently, so aware and acknowledging of his faults I almost forgot he was eight years my junior. It was somewhat unnerving to hear such wise words coming from a child no older than twelve.

"Modest as well. Look, that girl's watching you. Know her?" I asked, noticing a pretty blonde girl watching Tage with obvious interest. Her hair was poker straight, her eyes the bluest blue I'd ever seen. Behind her was a crowd of admiring young boys of about Tage's age. She seemed to see no one but my Tage.

"What? Who?" he asked, glancing around in confusion. "Oh, her. Yeah, that's Sadie" he said, offhandedly without even an ounce of interest. Inwardly, I groaned. Just like Tynan, unconscious of how handsome he was. There was no question about it, Tage was destined for the same type of trouble as Tynan had been through, in life, love, and war.

Tynan-

I write this as I sit in my study, bored and alone, dreading what I must do. Moments ago I ventured over to the window and glimpsed Tage, my adopted son, practicing his weaponry in the courtyard. I realized the time had come to let him go, the scholars of my kingdom are wise and full of knowledge but Tage had to learn the ways of the world. I was not about to abandon him to live with the elves in the woods as my father had done to me. Though it was an excellent choice of tutelage, I was angry with my parents for years after. No, I am sending Tage to an academy for young ones that show promise, I am confident he will enjoy it there.

Having discussed this course of action with Elektra quite a while ago, I've finally decided to break the news to Tage. He is the leave within the week and I hall escort him to the front doors. I know he has always looked up to me and I find it a complement among complements, for I truly feel that the boy is destined for greatness.

__________________________________________________

Tage-
It has been five years since Tynan brought me to this academy, and I wonder now if I shall ever be free of it entirely. The teachers here drill a strict code of loyalty to the school into our minds, as if subconsciously shackling us to it so that we should always carry the memories and thoughts of it with us even after our training is complete. For the most part, I have found it relatively easy to resist such brainwashing, calling out and discovering the fallacies and absurdities of such lessons. This has not, as you can imagine, endeared me to the teachers. But I care not, counting down the days until my twentieth birthday when I shall break free of this place forever. As of now, I have only three years left and glide easily through the days. Alas, they should pass so sluggishly!

I walked the halls as usual today, half aware of what was happening around me, a glazed sense of wakefulness that has earned me many a beating before. I doubt Tynan knew they gave those here, for they guard the secret against outsiders and prospective students' parents most avidly.
My state of indifference disintegrated almost immediately when I heard shouts coming from down the hall. My best friends, Laredo and Thracian seemed to snap from similar states and Laredo shook his head sadly.
"Another hazing I presume. Who is the poor soul this time I wonder?" he spoke softly, in his low and soothing voice.
It was not uncommon for bullies to pick on a new student or someone eager to learn. In the beginning when I had first arrived I had earned my share of them but have since dismissed the notion in my fellow neophytes. Part of the reason is my close friendship with Thracian who is extremely large and powerful for our age, I believe he is from a clan in the north. Also, I have the record for having had the most beating in the schools history without ever crying out or screaming but once, the first time. In addition to all that, I am a prince, my (adopted) father and mother among the people to overthrow the enchantress Tieze'remle. That is not something one forgets easily. "Come, lets ‘elp the poor soul, then!" boomed Thracian. As I mentioned before, he is quite large and powerful, the kind of person that a path is cleared before in a crowd.
As we rounded the corner, a final-year student knocked the books from the arms of a slender, red-headed girl. Her hair flew around her as students in a circle pushed her this way and that, back and forth. She stumbled, desperately trying to hold her balance for if she fell she would surely be kicked.
"What's going on ‘ere?" came the thunderous and commanding voice of Thracian. Everyone froze. I stepped out from behind my friend and spoke directly to the final-year who seemed to be the ringleader.
"Well, well, Durrës, I might've known." In the blink of an eye he was in my face, threatening.
"You keep your high and mighty nose out of this one, your majesty, or I'll acquaint you real good with my foot, my fist and the ground!"
"My my, all at once? However shall he remember all the names?" chirped Laredo, smoothly sliding by my side to show that I was not alone.
"Stay out of this, pretty boy or I'll mess up your face!" In response to this, Laredo made a vulgar gesture that infuriated Durrës. He launched himself forward, at Laredo, and I promptly socked him in the face. His nose ran with blood.
"That was a warning. Next time, I'll break it." I challenged. Durrës had no chance to answer because a teacher came running down the hall. How convenient for them to come when the bullies were being taught a lesson and not when they were preying on poor defenseless dilettantes. He took one look at me and the final-year with a bloody nose beside me, and grabbed me by the collar.
"It's a switching for you. You know better than to fight in the halls."
"Right. Must've slipped my mind." I retorted. If I was going to get a beating yet again, I might as well make it worth while.
"You insolent little. . . !" The teacher's face flamed and his eyes sparked.
"If you'd kindly unhand me, I know the way by now." I reasoned. The teacher let go of my collar and I strode down the hall to the whipping room.

-----

When I returned to my quarters, Laredo and Thracian were talking with the girl who had been bullied. When she saw me, she jumped up and started apologizing for getting me punished and I assured her it was not her fault, I got about five whippings per week. At this article of information she appeared horrified and sat open mouthed, in the chair that she'd been reposing in prior to my arrival.
"Umm, Tage, this is Natalia. Natalia, this is Tage." Thracian offered kindly.
"Natalia's from your village, Tage." Laredo spoke, smiling. I knew what he was trying to do. Laredo was popular with the ladies on account of his handsome brown face and good looks. Thracian even enjoyed an admiring group of female classmates trailing after him and worshiping his strong shadow. They were always urging me to join them in basking in the attention of young women. The problem was that in their shadows, I felt unworthy as a tag-a-long and never completely at ease. The girls at our school were nice enough, but none of them seemed to interest me overmuch.
Laredo was trying to fix me up with this new girl, Natalia. I resisted, not wanting to know her like that. She was our age, her long, curly bright red hair a shining halo around her round face. She seemed amicable and polite and her face was pretty, but I just wasn't interested. When I knew myself better, perhaps I would find the right girl for me. Until then, I was happy how I was, single.
"Ah, very good." I answered distractedly and went to my chiffonnier, pulling my pajamas from the first drawer. I spoke over my shoulder as I headed to the bathroom to change.
"I'm quite exhausted from my trials so I hope you'll excuse me if I turn in a little early." from inside the bathroom I could hear Natalia say that she had better go, and my friends insisted that she stay and they get to know each other,
"Honest, Tage isn't usually so cold-" Laredo started but was interrupted by Thracian.
"What do you mean? Tage is always so frosty with people. Don't take it personally, Natalia."
"Oh, thank you, I won't" and the three talked of numerous things that my mind was to tired to record. I went into my sleeping chamber, pulled the curtains around my bed, and sunk into oblivion.


"Tage! Tage! Get up you great lump! There's a courier ‘ere from your mother!" Thracian's voice interrupted my deep slumber. "My mother?" I asked groggily, my mother was dead.
"Queen Elektra!"
"Oh!" I sat straight up in bed and saw Natalia and Laredo standing by my door. I wondered how long I had slept. It must not have been long if Natalia was still there, talking with my friends. I pulled on my purple robe that had gold embroidery and slipped my feet into my slippers.
The messenger stood by the door in his blue uniform and rich red cape. His face seemed familiar.
"León?" I asked, thinking I recognized my childhood friend. His face broke into a grin as he bowed and spoke my name and title.
"Master Tage Ajani Draconius, Laxa Tachia, the Prince and Promised One, His Majesties's Chosen Son, Favored Man of the Muirs and Fay, Beloved of the Warrioress-Protectoress, Blessed by Prometheus and Herakles, Friend of Cheiron and Favored and Protected by Hekate and Medea." I must say, hearing the entire title kind of took me aback and I glanced at my friends who were standing in the doorway, their mouths slack and their eyes wide.
"Rise León! How good it is to see you. What news do you have from Elektra?"
"The Queen and Warrioress-Protectoress Elektra bids you to come home as fast as you can. The city has been attacked by a band of men wearing clovers on their chests. The Palace and surrounding town had been burned to the ground. Lady Elektra has urgent news she wishes to give you in person." I was shocked. The city and palace burned to the ground by men wearing clovers! I had to get home as quickly as possible!
"Go now, León, tell Elektra that I'm coming as fast as I can just behind you! GO!"I said, Spinning and running into my quarters. The messenger ran out the door, followed closely by Natalia, leaving it bang shut behind them. I pulled a saddle bag from my closet and shoved my clothes into it, pulling on my black riding trousers, a dark green T-shirt, my boots, and my studded leather tunic. My dark green cape fastened with a gold chain across my throat and a strong leather belt held my dirk and dagger. I strapped my twin blades (my weapons of choice) onto my back , all but the hilts of each hidden by my cape. Then, I pulled on my leather gloves and laced them tightly, striding out of the room, my saddlebag over one shoulder.
Natalia was standing by the door, a saddlebag over her arm and a dark brown cloak on. Her hair had been tied back and she looked almost as if she was going somewhere as well. When I left the room, she followed closely and so did Thracian and Laredo. In the stable, I easily found my blue-black stallion. His coat was a dark black, with an odd sheen of blue and a white streak diagonally across his face. This imperfection had captivated me when I was a child of only twelve and Tynan promised me my own foal to take with me to the Academy. I'd called him Hyperion after the greatest of the Titans.
Hyperion danced with joy when I saddled him and attached his bridle and bit. I didnt like using the bit because it pained him, but in this circumstance I felt I should. Hyperion was just happy to be going somewhere. Natalia was also saddling her mare, a small roan. I looked at her questioningly.
"It's my city too. You don't expect me to stay here while you ride home to assess the damage. I have family there too!" She used the mounting block to get on her horse and I quirked an eyebrow in the direction of my friends.
"Take good care of her, Tage!" boomed Thracian.
"May your journey be swift and safe. Good luck, my friend!" said Laredo in his smooth, calm fashion. I clapped him in a hug and Thracian came over, Picking us both up off the ground. The three of us burst out laughing. I swung myself up onto Hyperion's back without the use of a mounting block and Hyperion charged out of the stable past my waving friends. I was surprised that Natalia's roan seemed to be able to keep just behind Hyperion's fluid canter. I was heading home!
Ashriel-
My life is dark, like what a sightless person would see if he was blindfolded at midnight in the deepest, darkest caverns of the earth's stomach. The night, the stars, ice, and fire are my only friends. My father veils me, hides me away as a dark jewel that a mere glance upon would mean death. He says it is for my own good but I despise his ways and the beliefs of his people. My father says that the common population were to see me, they would be thrown into a frenzy because my unrivaled beauty would blind them to all else. But I know the truth. He hides me away because he is ashamed.
I do not argue the fact that I am beautiful, and for that is why I detest myself. Of what use is an unparalleled, exotic and bizarre beauty? It will not save you from the terrors of your past. My nursemaid, a blind old woman, who has served me since my birth, says that my father keeps me hidden because the people have never seen my kind of beauty and they would not understand. They would scapegoat me for a kind of appearance they had never seen before, a beauty they would not recognize.
My secluded life has given me the time to master an ancient weapon, the sai. It is a three pronged weapon, the middle prong being the longest, the other two shorter but still deadly. I own two of them, identical pure silver. They obey my every wish. Of this, my father is ignorantly blissful. He knows nothing, he never will.
My sheltered, stifled heart has been twisted to hate my father's people because I wish I could be like them. My beauty is a curse. I despise it with a heated passion, for it is the reason I must be concealed, never to be normal among people. I hate mirrors, so all have been banned from the palace and my usual haunts. I hate myself. When I look in a mirror I see my reflection and reject it. It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I detest my appearance so incomparably that beauty becomes ugliness in my eyes. When I see myself I can see that I am hideous. The people, though they have never seen me, they whisper of what I am. The Demon Princess of the Shadows.

Tage-
Sometime around midday I slowed Hyperion to a halt in the midst of an alder grove. The sun was growing abnormally harsh overhead and I had noticed that Natalia's roan was starting to fade. Our camp was a small fire to cook our food and provide heat. Though it was midday, the months were growing colder and the wind would rip right through you to the core.
I supposed that Natalia had never before been camping. It was quite obvious she had never traveled such long distances on horseback. Her attire was notably inadequate; a ground-length cotton dress over thin cotton breeches. I wondered how uncomfortable as of yet our journey had been for her. A twinge of sympathy warmed my heart and I gave her the spot nearest the fire. I settled for a spot between the roots of a large tree, wrapped myself in my cape, and drifted off to sleep.
Hyperion nudged me into wakefulness once the sun had faded from its zenith, though it still lingered on th horizon, it would not hinder our travels with despotic heat. I gently woke Natalia, feeling bad that she had gotten so little sleep since we had left. I informed her of my estimation that we would be passing through a place called ‘The Ruins' sometime around midnight. When we reached them we would be about a third of the way home. So far, we were making good time.
We were much more cautious passing through the woods than we had been flying over the plains. By now, our sense of urgency had dulled and I was thinking clearer. I was briefly afraid that if I were to make a wrong turn, Natalia would not question my judgement. This unnerved me, for all my life I had been living with some allowance for mistakes, someone always there to cover for me and set me straight. Now I had a follower of blind faith and I prayed I did not lead her astray. As if she knew my thoughts dwelled on her, Natalia drew her roan up beside Hyperion and yawned hugely. Sympathy spider-webbed across my heart.
"I feel as though I should get to know you better. We've been traveling together for nearly a span of the sun and you have said maybe 3 words to me." She said, her large blue eyes boring into me. I felt guilty for being so rude to her.
"I'm a quiet person, I keep to myself mostly. Frosty too, I'm told." I replied, my tone friendly and a small smile on my face. It was a half smile, something I had picked up from Tynan when I had lived with him. I was looking forward to seeing my adopted father again, I had not seen him for a while and I missed him. In spite of this great tragedy, there was a ray of light in seeing my mentor once again.
"Ah, yes, I believe I've heard something of the sort somewhere." Natalia teased, flashing me a wide smile of perfect white teeth.
"Shhh!" I hissed, cutting short our conversation. Something had moved out in the dark woods around us, I had heard it, but more than that, I could feel it. We were so near ‘The Ruins' now that there was a difference in the air we breathed. I could sense the difference, this air was permeated by magic.
Ahead of us, the moonlight caught on the sparkles of mica in the white granite of the ruined city. I gazed at them, transfixed by their beauty, their strength, a reminder of what glory the world had once seen in the elder days. There was something about this thought that slightly saddened me. I would have dwelled on it longer had I not been distracted by the acute sense that someone was watching us. I could see the gleam of eyes in the darkness and immediately let fly an arrow from my short-bow. There was a scream and a man wearing a brown tunic with a green clover stamped on the chest, fell into our small circle of moonlight, an arrow implanted in his eye. Blood foamed and ran from his mouth as I took aim at another pair of eyes. They disappeared before I could shoot the owner of the eyes.
Sliding from Hyperion's back, I drew my swords and called a challenge to the shadows. Natalia slid from her mare's back and gripped a curved dagger in her hand.
"I am Tage, prince of the city you burned to the ground! Are you clover-men too craven to face me? Must you lurk in the shadows rather than come out and fight? You yellow lily-livered pansies!" My anger had seized hold of me and was not letting go. I brandished my swords.
At my summons, eleven men crept from the shadows, all dressed in the same attire as the one I had shot. They were not simple idiots given uniforms and weapons, told to fight. No, these were trained soldiers and worthy opponents. Somehow, I managed to cripple one of them and kill two others, but my focus was drawn to Natalia and protecting her. I doubted the poor girl had ever fought anyone in her life.
A big man loomed over Natalia and before I could come to her aid, a tall young woman with a long blonde braid flew out of nowhere. She dealt him a swift kick across the face and spun, smacking him with her braid. She grabbed Natalia's wrist and pulled her into the shadows.
"NATALIA!" I screamed, concerned for my friend, fearing for her safety. As soon as my scream had faded away, my throat burning from the effort, a flash of bright blue lightning lit up the sky and a loud clap of thunder rattled my eardrums. All around me, the clover-men stopped, as if frozen. I glanced about in confusion, something was not right.
"Tage!" came Natalia's voice. I looked to where it came from and saw her standing by a crumbling wall of ‘The Ruins'. Beside her was the girl with the long blonde braid and a boy who was even taller than the girl with matching blonde hair though not as long. I sighed and went to them, sheathing my weapons once more. The girl stepped forward. She was relatively my height, give or take a few inches. She bowed briefly and straightened, offering a handshake.
"Iidrizadora, Lady of the Ruins." She said, her voice slightly musical. I wondered if she was part Faerie.
"Tage, son of – "
"We know. We have dwelt here, in the ruins of this ancient city for fifteen years, since we were four years old. We were waiting with the specific purpose to aid and accompany you on your quest. It is our destiny to help you achieve and discover yours." She spoke, her face pale and placid as her light blue eyes bored into me. I began to suspect she was entirely Faerie.
"I am Darilion, twin brother of Iidrizadora, Mage of the Ruins." the young man stepped forward, dwarfing me in comparison to his tall, graceful height. I knew I was about 6 feet tall and suspected that this Darilion was pushing 6'8". I shook the hand he offered and shrugged.
"You're welcome to accompany us but we're just heading home. I am on no quest."
"Yet." By now I had assumed the twins were indeed Faerie, for they had the same infuriating way of speaking in sentences that seemed to allude to more than what was spoken. It drove me crazy.
Two brown horses the color of earth came into our circle of moonlight, their manes a silvery color. Behind them was Natalia's roan and Hyperion. We mounted our horses and continued on our way, Natalia and Iidrizadora chattily pleasantly behind myself and Darilion who rode in silence.

Our days were long, our travel slow, and the weather unusually warm for the time of season. We were tired and thirsty, grumpy and eager to snap at each other, especially myself and Iidra (as we had come to know her). The girl's infuriating way of speaking was a sure-fire way to anger me when I was lacking sufficient nourishment, hydration and sleep. It took us five days to reach a gushing waterfall, the clearest of turquoise-blues and so tall it seemed to be poured directly from the heavens. Iidra was the first off her stead, throwing off her cloak, light silver vest, grey pants, blue shirt and brown boots. She dove into the clear water in nothing but her long white tunic. Dari (as we'd come to know Darilion) and I politely averted our eyes as Natalia did the same. I kneeled by the waterside, scooping up a handful of water and splashing it on my face and Dari dangled his feet in the water. I shook the water form my face like a dog shaking when it is wet. Then, the earth moved and everything went black with a sharp pain the back of my head.

Ashriel-
Father tells me he has a treat for me. How put out he will be when he learns that I already know what he has planned. I heard the guards bringing in the prisoners around morning-tide. I had long enough to get a glimpse of the four people, looking no older than myself. Two girls and two boys. It seems as though any innocent traveler who happens upon my father's waterfall is immediately neutralized, seized, and imprisoned to be dragged out of the cells at a moments notice for torture. My father's people seem to find some form of sick amusement in the pain, suffering and misery of these poor souls. I have acted the merciful angel of death, Azrael, to many a prisoner. I have some proficiency with untraceable poisons and have visited the lingering ones with mercy in my heart. I pray for their soul and then release them from their worldly bonds. I have not met an ungrateful one as of yet. If I were ever to be imprisoned in such a place, I would wish for death to find me quickly, or the same kind of compassionate being to provide me with such services.
My father assumes that I enjoy watching the torture take place, as the rest of the population does. He makes it into a disgusting sport with and arena and a dreadful monster, Shalkesh. I cannot, at length describe the beast, I can say only that it is a creature of nightmares, a disgusting creature. When my father assumes I hold the customary penchant to the sadistic, I must bite my bottom lip to keep from exploding. It pains me to see so many lives thrown into the arena to be consumed by Shalkesh, their crimes perhaps no greater than bathing in the falls. That I can do nothing to help the poor souls but silently mourn them and their wasted lives, eats away at y insides, devouring me alive without a sound. Such indecent injustice makes my stomach turn and wish to discard the contents of my previous meal. What a horrid culture to thrive on and enjoy the suffering of other beings. Oh how I wish to leave it, how I wish to get out! How I hate it! How I despise, loathe, and detest it!

Tage-
I woke with my face pressed to a damp dirt floor that smelled of mold and numerous other things I cared not to name. I pushed myself into sitting position and was able to observe that my companions and I were imprisoned in a rather small, rather old cell. I glanced into the cell to our right and a cold feeling stole into the pit of my stomach. There was a skeleton gripping the bars, its mouth open, pleading for help or mercy. The sight chilled my bones. In the cell to the other side of ours was an odd assortment of scattered bones and a malnourished ancient man with a long, scraggly white beard that reached his waist. His skin was spotted with liver spots and his hair was thinning on top of his head. His limbs looked so frail that I might have been able to snap the poor man in half without much of an effort at all. He had more wrinkles than I had taken beatings in my life at the Academy.
The Academy, it had not been an overly long trip from there to where I was. It had been only six or seven days, that was all, but it seemed like an entire lifetime ago that I had mocked Durrës. Such was life, it could change at any moment.

Posted By: Neurolanis Feb 16, 2005 - 05:51 pm

I liked a lot of the names you came up with. My favorite part was the first "Ashriel" one. Its descriptions were dark and seamy. The story is somewhat lacking thus far, however: the destruction of the Academy, and the hero flees, but ends up in a cell. Nothing new about this. Forgive me, but it's like a prologue to a story that hasn't happened yet. I suggest that you and your friend decide what exactly is it that you wish to write, i.e. what is the story?

Ok, we have a hero and his friends, the destruction of the Academy ... and we know that there must be a struggle of some kind. It should reflect the Academy or its fall somehow. Hmm ... perhaps the Academy reflected views or beliefs which go against the wishes of a rising power. Or better yet, perhaps it housed some secret knowledge that was a threat to it. Perhaps this knowledge survives only in Tage now. Maybe he doesn't even know what it is, and will have to figure it out in time. Perhaps, it reflects the truth (against) an evil character's seemingly rightful claim to some political power? Maybe it speaks of a long hidden truth, which reflects the true powers of the world, or the ancestry of the people/s, or something. They might be rescued from the cell by people who stand against the rising power. Or THEY might have mistakenly arrested him. He might appeal to them, and they might realize his importance. There are numerous possibilities.

To be critical, I did notice many grammical errors and clumsy wordings. There are ',' where there should be '.' I would also use "all right" instead of "alright", but that is up to you. (I know that in the past publishers would not accept "alright." ) There needs to be a lot more description. It feels rather rushed, and good writing does not feel rushed any more than dragged out; it should flow at a comfortable pace, yet must be correctly informative. I have also a list of points to make:

He'd spoken softly

Unless a chracter is speaking, setences should be wrtitten in full: "he had spoken softly."

Not long after Tynan and I were married, Tage's grandmother, his only living relative (besides Tynan of course) and guardian, died of a mysterious disease

Okay, too confusing. The brackets don't help. How about: "Not long after Tynan and I were married, Tage's granmother died. She was his guardian, and and last living relative. She had died of some mysterious illness."

...ear-length wavy brown hair

What does "ear-length" hair mean? The legth of an earlobe, or only down to his ears? That would look rather silly, by the way.

If there was one skill that seems to thrive in our branch of the family it is our affinity for weaponry

You never explain what "our affiniyty with weaponry" means. You say he uses swords. A poor choice of words, unless he uses other weapons also. Also, an "affinity with weaponry" could mean building them, so it is badly worded.

It was somewhat unnerving to hear such wise words coming from a child no older than twelve.

I wouldn't say "wise words", myself. I'd say, "His awareness was remarkably sharp for his age."

Alas, they should pass so sluggishly!

"sluggishly" just doesn't feel right. "Slowly," perhaps?

Stay out of this, pretty boy or I'll mess up your face!"

"...mess up your face" just doesn't sound like something a person would actually say. "...bash yer girly face in" or the old "...kick your ass" would suffice.

Laredo made a vulgar gesture

This keeps us in the dark. What gesture?

The girls at our school were nice enough, but none of them seemed to interest me overmuch

Doesn't he like girls? Is he waiting for the right lady? Is he shy? Or, is he really that picky?

I asked groggily, my mother was dead

Again, a ',' where there should be a '.'

The Queen and Warrioress-Protectoress Elektra bids you to come home as fast as you can

"...bids you come as fast as you can" don't make no sense. lol. I allow you to come home right now. Nope.

Hyperion

The well-known character and title of a famous Sci-Fi novel! It is a nice name for a horse, granted. How about Hyserion or Perion?

‘The Ruins'

Instead of 'The Ruins' -- the Ruins.

As soon as my scream had faded away, my throat burning from the effort, a flash of bright blue lightning lit up the sky and a loud clap of thunder rattled my eardrums. All around me, the clover-men stopped, as if frozen. I glanced about in confusion, something was not right.

Again, that last line should follow a period. "...something was not right." Really? Never, ever state the perfectly obvious!

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I'd be interested in knowing if you get out of the Writer's Block with it!

Neurolanis

Posted By: * raye * Mar 19, 2005 - 10:35 am

Thank you so much Nuero! im working on revisions now. actually, with Hyperion I was thinking more along the lines of the Titan in Greek Mythology.

Posted By: Neurolanis Apr 01, 2005 - 05:34 pm

Oh, I'm glad my comments helped you! You and your friend are still working on it then?

Oh, ok. I was no familiar with a Titan named Hyperion.

Good luck with the story!