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Posted By: jodyjuice03 Feb 14, 2005 - 10:21 am

Hello, fellow writers!! Been working on my story for quite some time now, and I wanted to post this to get to some feedback. I think that I'm growing as a writer, so I would appreciate if I could get some constructive- brutal, if need be- criticism.

I find that I'm having trouble conveying feelings in my writing. Whatever....you'll see.

Anyway, this piece is about a secondary character of mine named Raphael, a half-ling (that's been raised by dwarves) that has come to his homeland for the first time since he's been a baby. Hope you like it!!!!


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A Bitter Homecoming- Part 1



When Raphael arrived at the place of his birth, he was greeted by a sight that he didn’t- or couldn’t have- expected. He had expected to see a thriving, beautiful countryside community that half-lings had loved, what he saw was actually quite the opposite.

He saw destruction. Simple, utter destruction.

It was as if a great war had been fought here, and the entire community had been destroyed in the process. As if a great dragon had unleashed the whole of it’s fury on this place. The building -those few that still stood- looked as if a simple poke of a finger would topple them. The once beautiful and fertile fields were now nothing more than burnt blades of grass. The place as a whole just emanated a horrible presence. The rain had turned every inch of the ground into mud, making it quite difficult to walk. The sky was a somber gray, as if the sun refused to shine upon the blasted village.

“So I was born here, huh”, said Raphael.

He didn’t know what to think of it. Should he be angry? Should he feel sympathy for this place, for the deaths of so many of his “kin”? He felt no “kinship” to these half-lings at all. Am I wrong for that, he thought. He had been living in Citadel Diamondshade with the dwarves of Clan Hammerhead since he was an infant, and they had given him the only sense of “kin” that he has ever known. He had always felt more “dwarf”, than half-ling. He wished now that Dantius, or at least some of the dwarves of Clan Hammerhead had come along. But they couldn’t have, he thought. They had their hands full with the troll and golem attack on Citadel Diamondshade. How he wished he was back there fighting alongside his friends.

But his place was here.

He decided that he had to go in. The image at the blasted front gate was most horrible thing that he had ever seen. At both sides of the entrance, two half-ling heads were stabbed on spears. Raphael tried with all strength to keep his gaze forward as he walked in, not wanting to see their faces. But his willpower, such as it was, wouldn’t win this battle. These were, in fact, the only half-ling faces that he had ever seen in all of his life. He knew that this horrible sight would stay with for the rest of his life.

He saw no sign of life as he walked through the community’s streets. In fact, the only things alive here, besides Raphael, were the carrion birds that were feasting on the dead. The city just appeared deserted, as if those survivors of whatever happened here had fled decades before. The air reeked of death, and everywhere he looked he saw a dead body. Women, children, some who didn’t look more than ten years old lay among the dead. The buildings themselves were either burned to the ground, or had been destroyed by giant rocks.

“Thrown by catapults”, he reasoned as he came upon a rock that had at least four bodies under it, “but who would want to sack this place?” It just didn’t make sense to Raphael. Some substantial force had decided to destroy this place, and the destruction was an absolute success, he had to admit. There were scores dead about the streets, and it appeared to Raphael that no loot had been taken. “Don’t think they wanted anything”, he said. This place had been destroyed just for the sake of being destroyed, it seemed. The only bodies that could be seen were that of half-lings, adding to the Raphael’s confusion of who or what the attackers could’ve been.

“Wasn’t much of a fight”, he said to himself. He had found absolutely no signs of resistance as he examined some of the bodies of the men. He found no armor or weapons of any kind. He wondered if they had any training in battle at all.

“Did you even try to defend your home?” he asked the dead.

At that moment, Raphael didn’t feel very good about being a half-ling. The dwarves had taught him that dying a “good death” was all about dying for your home and kin. He thought back to the words of his dwarven bother, Heron Hammerhead, words that guided the lives of any dwarf going into battle, “Ain’t no better way to go like goin’ with a few notches in yer axe and a mouth full of spit!” It was just the dwarven way; no dwarf could ask for a better end. But these half-lings…. was this their way? To live quiet and comfortable lives only to be utterly destroyed at the first sign of invaders, never once raising weapons in defiance? Was their naivete at so strong a point that they assumed total safety and immunity from the evils of the world?

Raphael refused to believe it.

He thought of his parents then. Did they fight, he wondered? He could recall nothing of that terrible day, he had only been a babe of so many months, but he tried to visualize those horrible moments that so changed the course of his upbringing. Heron had told him that his parents had been killed when a band of trolls had ambushed their caravan. Heron and his companions killed the attacking trolls, but the work was already done. Raphael had been the only survivor, saved by Heron’s own brother, Harkum; Heron, even though he took up the fight against the trolls, had been a young dwarf himself. Harkum had every intention of taking Raphael back to his homeland, but he simply didn’t know where it was. So, the dwarves turned back to Citadel Diamondshade, and there, Raphael remained.

“Did you fight, Father?”, he asked. “Did you defy them until your last breath?” It didn’t matter, he thought. Trolls were deadly enemies to the experienced or not.

Toward the end of the street, the ground suddenly rose steeply. As he made his way up the hill, Raphael saw another man’s body. He lied face down in a pool of blood, his throat having been slashed. But something about this corpse had struck Raphael as unusual. Unlike the bodies he had seen through the streets, whose blood had obviously dried after many days, the pool of blood around this corpse was still growing.

“Freshly killed”, said Raphael as removed a glove and dipped a finger, “only moments ago.” His hand instinctively went to his axe. Whatever sacked this village was apparently still here.

And he meant to make them pay for the deaths of so many of his…kin.

Posted By: Bmat Feb 14, 2005 - 02:29 pm

The buildings

just emanated - omit the just

emanated a horrible presence- unless this thought is continued right away it shouldn't be mentioned. If a horrible presence is noticed then the protagonist would react to it.

The building -those few that still stood- looked as if a simple poke of a finger would topple them.- This diverted my attention from the description of the village to a human hand. I'd recommend changing the description to direct the attention to the state of the buildings.

paragraph 5: Instead of saying he didn't know how to react, show us how he reacted. Maybe even omit this paragraph and incorporate the information in the last part into the next long paragraph.

Paragraph 7: I was surprised that there were the remnants of a gate. From the description earlier of destroyed fields, I pictured more of a village surrounded by fields than a town surrounded by a gated wall.

para 8: omit the "just" So the destruction must have happened recently if the scavengers were feeding. What about children younger than 10 years? Probably this phrase could go.

para 9: this place is used twice close together.
Why did he think that no loot had been taken?

"He lied" should be "he lay"


In general you have a good story going on. Just some tightening and critical thought about what is written should fix it up.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 17, 2005 - 11:48 am

That was well thought out, you should keep going with it. The name suits your character, and it was well wriiten.