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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Showcase: SF/F Short Stories:
Nightmare scene from my book
Nightmare scene from my book
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Sinister nightmare plagued Devon in his unconsciousness. He was in a jungle, dark and silent except for the rustling of leaves on the breeze. A bird fluttered in the distance, stirring the night air. Somewhere out of a sight, a river rippled.
The only light came from the stars that twinkled through the canopy leaves; the moon had not yet risen. Devon’s first cautious steps fell like feathers upon the ground, but as he picked up speed, they grew louder, until each one rang like a hammer in the dark. A light appeared over the horizon, glazing the trees with a silver glow.
A few minutes’ journey brought Devon to the edge of the forest, where the trees shied back and a stretch of sand staked its claim along the riverbank. The air tasted fresh; the sound of the shallow stream soothed his ears. He stepped forward, entranced by the ethereal ripples on the stream’s surface. In the pale light, they invited him.
He stepped forward.
As his feet touched the water, a woman’s voice entered his mind, turn back, Devon Carter. This barrier has been placed here for a reason. You would be wise not to cross it.
Devon looked around, but he could see nobody. He took another step forward. Crystal water trickled over his bare toes.
Danger awaits you. Turn back…
Another step. The water parted around his ankles.
Turn back…
He slogged in until the water came up to his knees. The current rolled freely around him, cool and welcome in the jungle’s heat. He paused for a moment before stepping forward again, moved by some force outside his will. It was the light, drawing him on as it would a moth, pressing the whispered warnings far from thought.
Devon continued forward and the current washed away his tracks in the sand behind.
Now a different voice rang in his ears, harsh and sibilant. Destiny brings you this way. Do not listen to the woman. Cross the river.
He clamped his hands over his ears and shook his head, but the maddening voice would not be silenced. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, as if uttered out of the darkness by a thousand unknown tongues. Cross the river… ignore her. It filled the night, grew louder and closer, drowning out the woman and her soft pleas. All the while, Devon’s feet moved forward.
Then he saw the silhouette, crouched on the far bank. The creature shifted, and for an instant Devon could see its glassy eyes, colder than the abyss of space. It saw. It waited. It wanted to kill.
Devon stopped midstream. Sediment piled against his ankles and washed over the top of his feet, anchoring him against the pull of the distant light. He moved his hand slowly to the holster on his hip. His right hand wrapped around the pistol and pulled it slowly into the open, then leveled it at his target and gently squeezed the trigger until…
A white beam flashed across the river and struck the creature mid-chest. It howled and splashed into the river. Cold eyes turned to vengeful fire.
Devon fired again and the creature collapsed in the water. Still gripping the pistol firmly, he splashed forward. His attention returned to the light in the distance, brighter now than ever before. He trudged out of the river, clothes soaked with muddy water. He looked back at the creature heaped on the water’s edge. It remained still.
The woman’s voice came to him again, you should not have crossed…
“Who are you? What do you want?”
It is too late...
Something rustled in the trees ahead, a shadow against the light in the distance. Devon lowered his gun as he strained to see it, but the light in the background blinded him.
Then, in the moment of a thought, the shadow broke loose and bolted from the trees, followed by others all along the riverbank. Devon cried out and raised his gun, illuminating the night with bolts of white fire. The creatures hissed and howled, and the ones unscathed leapt nimbly over their fallen comrades, intent on their prey.
Devon spun on his heel and dived into the river, scraping sand into his elbows. Behind him, the flood of shadows from the jungle continued. Like a plague of locusts they blotted out the light he had sought. As he thrashed his way forward through the churning water, Devon began to realize the inevitable.
Some of the creatures had cut around him, fording the river at shallower places to the north and south. Now they waited on the bank in front of him. Others gave chase from behind; he could hear them splash into the water. No escaping now, he had to fight.
It is too late…
“No!” he cried into the night, raising his gun in challenge, “I will fight.”
And the creatures closed in around him, eyes alight with cold flame.
Bravo gnollslayer! I tip my hat to you.
I love the descritption you used and the way you set up the whole story itself. However you could not tell it was a nightmare scene just by reading this section of the story. You might want to add one or a few more sentences on the moment he actually wakes up.
Something like this maybe: As the white flame from his gun was finally extinguished One of the faul beast clenched his grotesque fangs on Devon's shoulder. When he was finally able to liberate his body from its prison another swung the nightmarish claws ripping open his throat. Life flooded into his sleepish body and pain tore at his neck. Remebering the hellish nightmare Devon reflexively grasped his throat.
Once again I enjoyed it and other then clarity I find no other reason to change it.
I liked it as well. I don't find anything wrong with it.
*applauds* Very nice.
Posted By:  Magus Mar 14, 2005 - 06:35 pm |       | ***I've got to go now, but I always love nightmare scenes. I'll give this a look tomorrow, as soon as I'm able.***
Thanks for the positive feedback everyone. I guess I should have put it in context: this nightmare occurs while Devon is unconscious after his ship crashes. There is enough of a lead-in that I think people will realize it's a nightmare.
| Posted By: Magus Mar 20, 2005 - 05:46 pm | | The first part where it talks that he's dreaming is a bit repetative. I'd get rid of it if I were you.
I'd say that the first half needs some work. It doesn't feel quite right. It feels... to light and airy for a nightmare. It doesn't set the tone well enough, I think, for the events later on in the nightmare.
But I must say that I love the dream. The use of voices used in an interruptive manner is well done. That and the events at the end are great.
All you really need to do is rework the beginning a little and give this nightmare the dark seductive touches that will take it to the next level.
Good job!
| Posted By: * raye * Mar 25, 2005 - 08:20 am | | it makes me want to wake him up! lol very very good. u got talent here.
| Posted By: Magus Mar 25, 2005 - 08:50 am | | Agreed. It's very good.
Thanks for the compliments. I submitted the chapter that contains this scene to my writing group, but it won't be under review for at least two weeks, so I've got a while to wait. They liked my first chapter, so I'm hoping they'll enjoy this one.
| Posted By: Magus Mar 25, 2005 - 12:08 pm | | Oh, well. Good things come to those who wait. And I'm sure that their comments won't be too dissimilar from our own.
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