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Posted By: lordflac Feb 18, 2005 - 06:23 am

I wrote this story ages ago - well, I started it ages ago and I've finally come around to writing it again. Some of you may remember it. I've made some changes. I hope you enjoy it.

Jasper yawned hugely, stretching his cramped limbs, wondering how man could make a college where you study the ways of the warrior boring. It all seemed so simple to him, but the instructors always found ways to extend it on and make it so much more complex.
He was a young man of sixteen, with deep brown eyes and unkempt nut-brown hair that defied all the efforts of a brush when one tried to straighten it. He was well-muscled, naturally, from his way of life and his hands bore numerous nicks from battles.
Instructor Colle stood at the front, lecturing the gamarons. He was a big man, broad in the shoulder and wielded a giant broadsword, which well-suited his immense strength. He also owned a deadly battleaxe which hung over his shoulder, which he used to cleave through his enemies while defending with his broadsword.
They were in one of the many lecture chambers of the college. The wall, which Jasper leaned against, bore floor-to-ceiling windows that could be pushed open. Against the opposite wall was a long bookshelf, which held all the tomes and volumes detailing the development of swordsmanship in the northern province of Hladan. Jasper was not allowed to go near the books, ever since he had knocked the shelf over upon walking into it, with his nose in a book. It hadn't really been his fault. The instructors encouraged them to read and as soon as he had done that, disaster had struck.
Jasper sighed, wishing Master Jamma were here. The ancient swordmaster made it impossible for any aspect of swordsmanship to be boring. Maybe it was because Jasper liked Master Jamma so much or maybe it was because he was one of the finest swordmasters, if not the greatest Jasper had ever had the honour of meeting. For whatever reason, Jasper loved the old man's company because he was like a grandfather to him.
An idea suddenly struck Jasper and he grinned wickedly. He slid his foot across the marble floor until it touched the window beside him. He reached with his hand and undid the clasps, pushing the window open like a pair of double-doors. In one jump, he threw himself through the window, rolling into the garden and hiding behind one of the white marble pillars, topped with gold capitals.
He peered out, wondering if Colle had seen him. He sighed in relief upon seeing the burly instructor continuing with his lecture.
Normally, he would have felt guilty about doing this but he would catch up on what he missed. And besides, how could anyone be cooped up on the day of the Trials. The instructors had it coming. He wasn't the only student taking advantage of the windows. His friend, Mortan, had done the exact same thing but he had been on the second floor at the time and had nearly broken his leg. Freedom came at a price, though.
He took a deep breath of fresh air and aimed to stroll through the expansive garden, admiring the beauty of the college.
"And what are you doing out here, Jasper?"
"M-Master Jamma?"

Posted By: Bmat Feb 18, 2005 - 07:34 am

Would you like critique or just readers?

Posted By: Magus Feb 18, 2005 - 12:48 pm

It's an interesting piece and I enjoyed reading it. Here are some suggestions though.

"He was a big man, broad in the shoulder and wielded a giant broadsword, which well-suited his immense strength."

You might want to change broad in the shoulder to broad-shouldered. Then end your sentece and start of with He wielded a gigantic broadsword, which complimented his immense raw strength. Or something like that.

You might want to change " The instructors encouraged them to read and as soon as he had done that, disaster had struck." to something like The instructors had encouraged them to study over the ancient manuscripts and tomes. But, when he had, disaster struck.

Maybe it was because Jasper liked Master Jamma so much or maybe it was because he was one of the finest swordmasters, if not the greatest Jasper had ever had the honour of meeting. For whatever reason, Jasper loved the old man's company because he was like a grandfather to him.

Seperate the first sentence into two. And then there should be a comma after "greatest". Maybe it was because Jasper liked Master Jamma so much. Or perhaps it was because he was one of the finest swordmasters, if not the greatest, Jasper had ever had the honor of meeting.

And then the following paragraph seems rather rushed. Normally, he would have felt guilty about doing this but he would catch up on what he missed. And besides, how could anyone be cooped up on the day of the Trials. The instructors had it coming. He wasn't the only student taking advantage of the windows. His friend, Mortan, had done the exact same thing but he had been on the second floor at the time and had nearly broken his leg. Freedom came at a price, though.

Then there's the paragraph after he jumps out the window. I'd recommend splitting it in two and then editing it. A lot of it doesn't work, but more of it does.

Maybe it could be changed to something like:

"Normally, he would have felt guilty about this. But he would catch up on what he missed. And besides. the instructos had it coming to him.

He wasn't the only student taking advantage of their ignorance anyway. His friend Mortan had done the same thing. Granted, he had been on the second floor and had nearly broken his leg when he lept out."

Good job overal though. Keep up the good work!

Posted By: Neurolanis Feb 19, 2005 - 12:24 pm

I agree with Magus' points.

Posted By: Magus Feb 19, 2005 - 06:40 pm

See Mogget1? Neurolanis knows proper comma use!

Posted By: Neurolanis Feb 20, 2005 - 08:41 am

lol. Yeah, I'm good ... at that..