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Posted By: Middy03 Feb 20, 2005 - 08:40 pm

Hello fellow readers and writers. I wanted to share with you the Introduction of my story. I've been writing for awhile now and I finally feel like I have something going. So if you can, I ask for harsh honest criticism, but mainly I wanna know is 1.What you personally think of the Intro. Do you feel i have something going. 2.Grammar and 3.How well its written. So check it out and give me some feedback.

Prince of Paladins

Introduction

Welcome to the Holy Land of Dario, the largest commerce land in all of Ivalice, also home of the Order of Paladins or Paladin Knights. Paladins are Holy Knights that must keep peace in Dario and all of Ivalice. Paladins as well as the citizens of Dario, follow holy laws. To break these laws mean you will be executed that way the sins you have caused will be cleansed. Holy laws keep peace in Dario and the Paladins ensure that the laws stay intact.

Jasper Heru IV, King of Dario and Order of Paladins have brought peace to the land for twenty years. It was twenty years ago that Jasper Heru IV defended Dario from the swarm of Shadow Knights and stopped the legendary Drow Valorous.

Shadow Knights are warriors that consist of Drows and Eastern Humans, that disagree with Dario’s Holy laws and methods of peace, and seek to bring the world of Ivalice under one rule, destruction. Their leader, the rogue Drow Valorous, believes that Drows and Eastern Humans are superior to that of elves and regular humans. Valorous dreamed of a superior world, a world filled with chaos and destruction, he wanted world war. Valorous plan was to assassinate the former King of Dario, Jasper Heru III. With King Jasper III out the way, it will strike a critical blow to the Paladins, which will be the perfect time to raid Dario.

It was the fifth day of fall and King Jasper III was walking in the fields with his son Prince Jasper IV, who had just returned from liberating the Great Elf Tree of Dedrilath from a band of Orcs. While walking the fields with his son, a group of assassins ambushed the King and his son. Just as King Jasper III pulls out his saber, which he named Thelamar, after his late wife and the mother of Prince Jasper IV. Five arrows, which came from the west and south, pierced the heart of King Jasper III and died instantly. The assassins were not hired to kill the Prince, so they left the Prince alone who watched in horror as his father fell to the ground. As the Prince stood there in shock, one of the assassins whispered; “3 hours after sunset, Valorous and his Shadow Knights will raid Dario.” Just then, the assassin vanished and Prince Jasper hurried back to the Dario to warn the Paladins.

That night, just 3 hours after nightfall, a swarm of Shadow Knights led by Valorous stormed the Holy City Dario and a fierce battle begun. Prince Jasper IV defended the Holy Kingdom of Dario for twelve days and twelve nights. Both armies went without sleep, rations and fatigue finally took its toll. On the thirteenth day both armies decided to end the war with one final clash. Both leader will meet and fight until the death. Valorous and Prince Jasper IV meet in the fields where the King of Dario died and the two fought. The battle went on for two hours until Prince Jasper used his father’s blade Thelamar and plunged it into Valorous chest. Paladins and Shadow Knights watched as the legendary Drow Valorous fell at the hands of Prince Jasper.

As his predecessors did before him, Prince Jasper IV protected the Holy Land of Dario and took his fathers place as King.

That was twenty years ago, a new legacy is about to begin. This is story of Michael Heru the Prince of Paladins.

Posted By: gnollslayer Feb 20, 2005 - 10:27 pm

"Paladins are Holy Knights that must keep peace in Dario and all of Ivalice."

Maybe try changing to: "Paladins are Holy Knights that keep the peace in Dario -- and all of Ivalice."

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"Paladins as well as the citizens of Dario, follow holy laws. To break these laws mean you will be executed that way the sins you have caused will be cleansed. Holy laws keep peace in Dario and the Paladins ensure that the laws stay intact."

There are some grammatical errors here, but the worst transgression is the reference to the reader in second person ("you". In fiction, it is generally regarded as a bad idea to use second person outside of dialogue. Also, you repeat yourself about the paladins keeping peace in Dario.

Suggestion: "Paladins, as well as the citizens of Dario, follow the holy laws so sacred to their land. To break these laws is to give oneself unto death."

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In your third paragraph you switch tenses between present and past. Sometimes this is acceptable, sometimes it is not. I don't know how to explain the rule, but this instance of tense-switching seems awkward.

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"Valorous plan was to..."

Change to: "Valorous' plan was to..."

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It might not be such a good idea to use King Jasper III name in such close proximity with itself. The second time you could call him simply, "the King."

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The switch in tense between the third and fourth paragraph is one of those instances where it is okay. Each paragraph is its own unit, each can have its own tense, so long as the scene maintains continuity.

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"The assassins were not hired to kill the Prince, so they left the Prince alone..."

Again, replace the second proper noun with a pronoun or title.

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With an easy-to-spell-out number like three, you should spell it out.

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Omit "Just then."

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Next paragraph: omit "just."

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There is some more tense switching in the third to the last paragraph.

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"fathers" should be "father's"

A lot of this seems to be summary that could be woven into the story later by characters' speech and subtle descriptions rather than a prologue. I originally had my book open with a history lesson, but have since change it so I can start with my main character.

At the end, you say that this is the story of Michael Heru, the Prince of Paladins. If the story is about him, it should open with him.

Also -- and this is only a personal note -- it might be wise to change the villain's name. Valorous means: "marked by or possessing great personal bravery," and is typically associated with heroes.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 21, 2005 - 05:15 am

Thanks for the informaton. When I used the name Valorous I thought I made something up never thinking it was a actual word. When I was writing it my computer was saying I was using passive verbs instead of action verbs so I was trying to correct as I go along.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 21, 2005 - 05:24 am

Gnollsayer do you think I have something going?

Posted By: Magus Feb 21, 2005 - 06:44 am

In the first paragraph you repeat "Paladins" a lot. Maybe you could substitute for "they" or something like that after the first time or so.

Second paragraoh first sentence: it should be "has" instead of "have"

It seems a little impersonal. You might want to show the events rather then strictly keeping it at narroration.

I think that "Drow" might be copywritten by Wizards of the Coast for D&D. I'm not sure, but I think that they are. You might want to rename them just in case.

Technically the splling is "Elfs". Tolkien simply thought that "elves", "elvin", "dwarves" and "dwarven" sounded better. So technically they're slang terms. It's up to you to change it or not, it really makes no nevermind in the long run.

I do think that you might have something interesting here. It seems at parts reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings, especially the son killing the dark lord with his father's own sword. But other then that it seems interesting.

Might this be a prologue more then an introduction? And, if you don't mind, where are you planning on taking the story?

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 21, 2005 - 08:41 am

I didn't know that "Drow" was copywrited. and "Elves" do sound and look a lot better than "Elfs". I took the time to re-read my intro and it does sound more like a prologue. I wasnt trying to steal anything from The Lord of the Rings, I'm trying to be original as possible. I would tell you the idea of my story but it will ruin the ending. All I can say though is that Michael, the Paladin Prince comes from royal family, who is destined to become a great warrior who focuses more on women than his swordsmanship. I took a real life experience that I went through and made it into a fantasy novel.

Posted By: Magus Feb 21, 2005 - 05:45 pm

No, I don't think you tried to steal anything. I'm just saying that the terms aren't technically correct. Going by the book they aren't really words. But they're used so often that they've become slang. So, really, either way will do you fine.

Sounds like a cool book idea. Good luck with it.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 22, 2005 - 08:15 am

Thanks, I wil post my first chapter soon.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 24, 2005 - 07:10 am

Here is a revision of my Prologue/Intro

Prolgue

Welcome to the Holy Land of Dario, the largest commerce land in all of Ivalice, also home of the Order of Paladins or Paladin Knights. Paladins are Holy Knights that keep peace in Dario and all of Ivalice. Paladins, as well as the citizens of Dario, follow the holy laws so sacred to their land. To break these laws is to give oneself unto death.

Twenty years ago, Jasper Heru IV, King of Dario defended the city from a swarm of Shadow Knights and stopped the legendary Dark Elf Valcris.

Shadow Knights are warriors that consist of Dark Elves and Eastern Humans, that disagree with Dario’s Holy laws and methods of peace, and seek to bring the world of Ivalice under one rule, destruction. Their leader, the Dark Elf rogue Valcris, believes that Dark Elves and Eastern Humans are superior to that of elves and regular humans. Valorous dreamed of a superior world, a world filled with chaos and destruction, he wanted world war. Valcris’ plan was to assassinate the former King of Dario, Jasper Heru III. With the King out the way, it will strike a critical blow to the Paladins, which will be the perfect time to raid Dario.

It was the fifth day of fall, the King and his son Prince Jasper IV, who had just returned from liberating the Great Elf Tree of Dedrilath from a band of Orcs, where walking and having conversation in the fields. While walking the fields, a group of assassins ambushed the King and his son. Just as the King pulls out his saber, which he named Thelamar, after his late wife and the mother of the Prince. Five arrows, which came from the west and south, pierced the heart of the King and died instantly. The assassins were not hired to kill the Prince, so they left the Prince alone who watched in horror as his father fell to the ground. As the Prince stood there in shock, one of the assassins whispered; “three hours after sunset, Valcris and his Shadow Knights will raid Dario.” Just then, the assassin vanished and the Prince hurried back to the Dario to warn the Paladins.

Later that night, just three hours after nightfall, a swarm of Shadow Knights led by Valcris stormed the Holy City Dario and a fierce battle begun. The Prince defended the Holy Kingdom of Dario for twelve days and twelve nights. Both armies went without sleep, rations and fatigue finally took its toll. On the thirteenth day both armies decided to end the war with one final clash. Both leader will meet and fight until the death. Valcris and The Prince meet in the fields where the King of Dario died and the two fought. The battle went on for two hours until the Prince used his father’s blade Thelamar and plunged it into Valcris chest. Paladins and Shadow Knights watched as the legendary Dark Elf Valcris fell at the hands of Prince Jasper.

As his predecessors did before him, Prince Jasper IV protected the Holy Land of Dario and took his father’s place as King.

That was twenty years ago, a new legacy is about to begin. This is story of Michael Heru the Prince of Paladins.

Posted By: gnollslayer Feb 24, 2005 - 08:47 am

This is much better, and I like Valcris as the name for the leader of the Dark Elves.

I caught two mistakes in this one:

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Third Paragraph: "...believes that Dark Elves and Eastern Humans are superior to that of elves and regular humans."

Omit "...that of..." and put the word regular in front of elves so it will show that both the good elves and the good humans are regular.

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Next paragraph: "Just as the King pulls out his saber..."

Change "pulls" to "pulled." The previous sentence was in past tense, and this one is in present tense.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 24, 2005 - 11:43 am

Thanks for the critque. You helped me out a lot with my writing.

Posted By: Magus Feb 24, 2005 - 11:56 am

I can't read it now. But I did catch that you misepelled Prologu when it's shown on it's own line. I'll do more when I'm able. But Jazz Band starts any minute now.

Posted By: Middy03 Feb 24, 2005 - 01:52 pm

I must have typed it to fast lol.