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Posted By: gnollslayer Feb 24, 2005 - 12:01 am

Hi, I've finally caved in and decided to post the first chapter of my novel. I don't want to get rejected again, so I need to figure out what's wrong with it. Any comments are more than welcome, and don't be mild. I need the harshest and most corrective criticism available to get this thing off the ground; or, more specifically, off my computer and into print. Thanks in advance to anyone and everyone who reads this.

By the way, I'm posting this in parts since it's a 7,000 word chapter.

************************************************

A Travelers' Boon

The USC Ardent was silent and dark, it's crew asleep except for one. Alone in his room, Devon Carter sat with a pen in his hand and an empty piece of paper on the desk before him. He checked the clock in the corner of the wallscreen: 0530 GMT. Back home the sun would just be rising over the horizon, but Devon hadn't been on Earth for five years, and he'd not seen the Sun for ninety-two days.

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy way out here. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out.

It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here where no ship had ventured since the Veranta mission of 2130.

Not yet, however. The mission's recruiter at the Academy had told him the Ardent mission be an adventure in itself. He'd bought it, thinking only of the distant stars and unexplored planets of the Outer Rim.

It was all a lie. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. He had his histories to write, but not even that could take his mind off the monotony of life in space.

Not life in space -- for he'd spent four-and-a-half years on the Naval Academy that orbited Luna. It was life on the Ardent particularly that bored him. The same routine for ninety-two days, and likely many more ahead. But it would be worth every dismal hour when the ship reached its destination.

Devon looked down at the blank paper on his desk, and the pen that had yet to spill its ink. It wasn't the writing he cared for anyways, he decided, just the story behind it. And the story wasn't going anywhere tonight.

He pushed his chair under the desk and rolled into bed, eyelids sagging from a night spent at the study. His head fell back against his pillow and he slipped into dream with his glasses still resting on his face.

#(scene break)

The wail of a siren tore Devon from his dreams. He leapt out of bed in a panic and reached for his glasses before realizing he'd never removed them. After blinking the sleep out of his eyes, he glanced at the wall. The siren cut out and the screen above Devon's desk flooded with color. The Captain's glare translated well through the display.

"In case any of you have been too busy sleeping to notice, I've had Ensign Mironov rig the ship's evacuation siren to our shipboard computer," the captain's voice boomed. "From now on, you will sleep at the times specified in the Naval Book of Conduct, and this little alarm clock will ensure it. Disciplinary action will ensue if you do not heed it. I will not issue a second warning. Captain Trent Holden, out."

Captain Holden's face faded off the screen, leaving behind the dull blue background that marred all Navy computers. Devon sat in bed for a moment, groaning. Only two hours of sleep all night. Just five more minutes would be nice…

The door to his chamber slid open. Chris Donovan stood in the frame, smiling and stooping like a friendly giant, except that he lacked the girth.

"Hey Dev, what're you still doing in bed? Spend too much time at the desk last night?"

"Forgive me if I'm too tired to laugh." Devon stood up and brushed the wrinkles out of his uniform.

"So now you're sick of sleep too?"

"No," said Devon. "Sleep is the only thing I'm not sick of. It's the only way to escape the boredom."

"Come on, Dev. This is the Ardent mission, history in the making. You've worked up to this your whole life."

"I thought it would be the adventure I've always wanted, but it isn't."

"Well, when we reach the colonies you'll have enough excitement to make up for the wait. For now, we'd better report to the galley for inspection; I don't want Captain Holden to rupture an artery again."

"At least then you'd have something to do," said Devon.

"For a ship's doctor, that isn't always a good thing," said Chris, "Especially when I'm this hungry."

They stepped out into the Ardent's narrow bunk-wing corridor and turned toward the bow. The Ardent measured forty meters in length. This corridor ran much of that distance. It split near the bow into two other corridors: one ran to starboard and housed the research labs and medical bay; the portside hall led to life support and the Ardent's central computing systems. At the end of that hallway, a steel ladder descended into the cargo hold, sealed at the top by a glass airlock.

Devon and Chris followed the central corridor to the bow where a small staircase spiraled down into the crew galley. The galley looked much like the rest of the ship: sterile and bleak, populated only by two metal tables and a sparse collection of chairs. Captain Holden stood in the middle with his arms folded. Most of the Ardent's other crewmembers had already passed inspection and now stood by the meal conveyor awaiting their breakfast. Chris and Devon stepped forward for inspection.

The captain examined their attire with an eagle's scrutiny before dismissing them to eat. He pointed out a patch of dust on Devon's right shoulder before retiring to his private dining chamber. Devon turned aside, took a tray from the conveyor belt, and sat down beside one of the large viewports. Chris slid up to the other side of the table.

"You know," said Chris, "I should be used to this by now, but I just can't help feeling that I should get the sick bay ready every time we eat." Despite his mock concern, Chris didn't hesitate to shovel the colorless glop into his over-sized mouth.

"Aren't you supposed to keep it ready anyways?" Devon asked.

"Well, yeah… But--"

"Excuse me, may I sit here?"

Both men looked up, startled by the woman's voice. It belonged to Sarah Meyer, the Ardent's First Lieutenant. Rank alone would have been enough to make them nervous around her, but there was her reputation at the Academy to consider as well. No better pilot ever touched a flight console, except perhaps her father. And no person on board held as much sway with the superiors back on Earth. Not even Captain Holden.

Devon and Chris saluted.

"Put your hands down," she said. "Not everyone with a medal is as strict as Captain Holden."

"Sorry, Lieutenant Meyer," said Devon, "Just following protocol."

"As if protocol matters anymore," she said, and she set her tray on the table beside Devon's. "The Navy's an exploration agency now. The military aspects are more for show. And you can call me Sarah from now on."

"I'll try it," said Devon. "At least when Captain Holden isn't around."

"He's not all that bad, you know. The Navy was different when he joined. There was still a little military work left to do, back before Io and the Solar Fringe Movement yielded to the Council. It's why he makes me take meals at the bridge. In the early days pilots always had to be on call in case of danger."

"How'd you talk him into letting you come down today?"

She set down her spoon and wiped her mouth. "I think he felt guilty for the morning wake up call."

"That's a shock," said Chris. "If I hadn't filed his medical report myself I would've sworn the man didn't have a heart."

Sarah glared at him. "I know you like to joke, doctor, but I don't appreciate that comment. Trent Holden is a good man."

Chris finished his mush and pushed away his tray. He knew better than to argue.

"Anyways, I didn't come down here to talk about him," she said. "I wanted to get to know the crew better."

"You are talking about just the two of us, right?" Chris asked. "I'm sure you don't want to meet Colin, and you could talk to Alex over comm-link any time."

"What's so wrong with Colin?" Sarah asked.

"It's more a matter of what isn't wrong with him."

"He's a bit grumpy," Devon offered, "Or more than a bit. I think it was his childhood on Europa. He lived there about twenty years ago, before they became an official province. I've heard life was pretty hard then."

"I read his dossier," said Sarah, "And I thought it might be a problem. But Captain Holden seemed to think we needed him on the mission, and there weren't any other applicants half as qualified for his job as he is."

"He may be qualified, but that doesn't make me trust him." Chris looked over his shoulder to make sure the older man wasn't listening. "Nobody with that much pent up anger should be put in charge of life support."

"He can't be all that bad."

Devon shook his head. "Talk to him some time and tell us that again."

"I'll have to do that some time, but right now I'm more interested in meeting April. Where is she?"

"I haven't seen her this morning. She's probably in her lab. Most times she comes in late to breakfast so she doesn't have to feel guilty about all the rest of us going through inspection."

"Is there really that much of a problem?"

"There wouldn't be if it weren't for Colin. He likes to give her a hard time about being a civilian. The rest of us don't really care; she spends enough time in her lab that she never really gets in the way."

"I would've thought Colin would understand her better than anyone. He spent some time with a civilian research outfit before joining the Navy."

"Yeah," said Chris, "But I'll bet they never gave him any projects as big as this one. Envy's what's got him so worked up. I'm sure of it."

"I'll have to tell Captain Holden about it when I go back up to the bridge." She glanced at the wallscreen above the tray conveyor. "Speaking of which, I should probably head back up. It was good talking to you two."

She took her tray to the reprocessing receptacle and set it on the conveyor. The weight-sensitive plate under the belt sensed the added pressure and the motor started. The excess nutrients on the tray would be sanitized and re-incorporated into the storage vats in the Ardent's underbelly for later consumption. The crew didn't like to think about it much.

Devon and Chris set their trays on the belt after Sarah's and went back to sit and visit with Alex, the ship's electrical engineer. Their conversation had only begun when the blare of the all-stations siren interrupted them. It's distinctive tone held more civility than the all-out wail of the evac' siren, and the crew knew to wait for Captain Holden's orders to come onto the wallscreen before going to their posts.

"This is not a drill," Captain Holden began before the siren even cut out, "Sensors report an object ahead, which First Lieutenant Meyer informs me carries the signature of an old Confederate vessel. Ensign Mironov, Ensign Short; report to your stations. Dr. Donovan, stand by. Ensign Carter, report to the bridge. Captain Holden, out."

Devon knew better than to keep the captain waiting. Before the others were out of their chairs, he'd reached the door. Before the galley emptied, Devon stood on the bridge staring out the front viewport. Captain Holden stood beside him. Sarah sat at the flight console on the starboard wall.

Posted By: chowder Feb 25, 2005 - 01:14 pm

I've read the entire chapter and I'll put a few thoughts here. First, a warning--I don't read sf, but I certainly enjoyed the way you told the story. Very exciting as it went along.

I believe your story begins here:

The wail of a siren tore Devon from his dreams.

All that stuff that comes before? That's unnecessary at this point. You have an entire book to feed it to us. I'm not an agent, but I do believe an info dump is the surest way to turn an agent off.

Take a look at that first bit: The reader doesn't need to know (right now) that he spent 4 1/2 years at the Naval Academy.

My advice (and it's only a suggestion--take it or leave it) is to pick out what you feel is most important and package it into one (short) paragraph.

One thing that didn't ring true was his use of a pen. It doesn't fit with the futuristic feel of the rest of the story.

Be careful how you relay the information about the other crew members (when the guys are speaking to Sarah during their meal). Although it's dialogue, there's a lot of telling there. Especially about Colin. I don't think you need it. In fact, you 'show' me exactly what Colin is like when April is hurt in the lab. That bit was great--you could dump the overabundance of dialogue and just show me his reactions to Sarah's command and the accident. As a reader, I want to see it, not hear about it.

As I said before--it was an exciting read. You've got a gift for propelling the story, yet holding back and making the reader hunger for more. I was left wondering: What the hell is gonna happen next?

Posted By: gnollslayer Feb 25, 2005 - 04:14 pm

Wow, thanks for the comments!

I really wasn't sure how much my revision did for the piece. I know that the first time I let anyone read this, they thought it was clunky and lacked characterization.

As for the opening scene, I wanted to avoid the cliche "alarm clock" opening. But if you think I'd be better off cutting the opening scene, I'll do it.

Thanks again!

Posted By: chowder Feb 25, 2005 - 04:39 pm

gnollslayer

You should leave some of the first bit there if you don't want to open with the 'alarm clock'. As I said, perhaps condense the most important stuff into one paragraph (his thoughts before he sleeps) then move into the waking scene.

I kind of liked it when he fell asleep still wearing his glasses.