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Posted By: Ativan Mar 10, 2005 - 12:19 pm

Go though that door. I'll take the other one."
Gun loaded firmly between his hands he kicked the door open with his foot and jumped in. It was a big mistake. HE was instantly surrounded, and the enemy didn't have to take a second glance before firing. The bullet went through his skull and Ben moaned as the GAME OVER letters flashed on the television screen.
"Next time do what I say,” Ben growled at his brother as he tossed the play station controller to the ground of the car.
"Look, look, out the window," Ben's mom yelled as she gazed out the car. The car came to a halt and everybody looked in front of them. Surrounded by trees was a two-story brick cabin. A chimney extended from the room and most of the windows were hidden by shudders that were in bad need of a new paint job. The trees cast a great shadow on the house giving it a most eerie look and hiding the hot July Sun as well.
"It's about time we got here," Ben complained as he jumped out of the car and stretched. He paid little attention to the house but instead looked around him. Trees, trees, trees, and more trees. Nothing but endless trees waving their branches surrounded them and the violent way the trees shook their limbs around in the wind; it seemed as if they were dancing.
"How far is another cabin?" Ben asked.
"Ohhh miles away, we are all alone. Won't this be a most exciting experience?" Ben's mom asked. "This is going to be a miserable week," Been thought. Grabbing his luggage he followed his parents into the house. The room was cold, humid, damp and even the smell was wet and sour. Walking up a flight of squeaking stairs Ben laid his luggage and headed back outside.
"I am going to go explore," Ben yelled over his shoulder.


"Be back in time for dinner," His mother hollered.
"Ya, whatever," Ben mumbled as he headed into the woods. Ben was a short fourteen-year-old boy. His hair, which was always combed, was light brown, and his eyes were a sparkling blue. Sports were what he loved to do and the one thing he couldn't stand- his parents, who in his opinion well... that should be left unsaid. He was a good student. Not great but he did ok, other then that he hated it. But heck, who likes school? Other then talking, it was a pain in the ass.
The trees of the forest were so close together, and the braches and leaves so thick that it was almost too dark to see as he walked along. He wondered what his friends were doing right now and gave a deep sigh. Looking up he squinted ahead of him. The trees several yards before him began to spread out, and a little further beyond he could see the sparkle of water. Walking forward, he pushed a tree branch out of the way as he came face to face with a small pond. The water was so still one could have jumped in it and not expected it give way beneath. The water looked clean enough to drink. Ben bent down and took a hand full. It was extremely cool compared to the hot weather and pressing it to his lips he founded it tasted just as good as any other drinking water. Standing up he look around at all the unusual flowers surrounding the pond when a small glistening object attracted his eyes. On the other side of the pond the coils of a tree root was a beautiful light. Ben looked at it for a moment trying to decide what to do and then he jumped into the pond. IT was shallow enough to walk across, and so he came to the other side and his mouth dropped open at what he saw.


Coiled into the tree roots was a diamond. He was sure of it. The stone was so magnificent ad it was the biggest diamond he had ever seen. "Don't touch it!" The Voice startled Ben, and slipping in the mud, he fell on his back and began to look around. He remained silent as hi s eyes searched the forest for the mysterious voice. However, his eyes rested on something else of interest. Attached to a group of trees were human skulls. Several, or rather dozens. Perhaps more than that, the bushes hid many of them. "Who are you?" The voice asked again. Out of the trees emerged a small figure draped in hided of leaves. A hat of leaves rested snugly on his head. The creature was half the size of Ben and his face was that of a man's, wrinkled, and old, as if he had smoked one pack to many. His face was covered in hair and it hid his nose. Big bright marble orange eyes looked at Ben in concern. "I am Ben. I.... I... I I just ummm.... came to look at this stone," Ben mumbled." "Don't even think about touching it." The creature said raising his voice.""Who are you. Tell me what you to do." Ben asked in defense ."You see the skulls on the trees." Do you see 'em sonny. I warned all those people- ya- warned 'em all and not to touch the stone. But did they listen? No," the man said with a growl. "I am not going to stop you from taking it. My job is simply to warn you. Others will a will aide you if you chose the wrong path. And their aid can often not be so indecisive.”"The wrong path." Ben asked.":If you take the stone!" The man roared! Ben only looked at him with uncertainty"This is a diamond isn't it?" Ben asked looking back at the stone."Not only is it a diamond, but it is what allows the world to go on. It is a stone of life. The seasons change, the rain falls, and children are born because of that stone," The man yelled pointing a long bony finger at it."What are you talking about? What you're saying is a bunch of B.S. You think I'm going to leave the stone alone because some old freak says it's the cause of life," Ben asked, not even sure if he was really awake. Ben then let out a small laugh at thought of the stone being a- a "stone of life". The old man shook his head and looked sadly at Ben. "The stone must be kept here and will be kept here. If you wish to challenge my wisdom that is your choice. But remember, the punishment is death," The man whispered. "Almost as awkwardly as he had appeared he vanished. Ben scratched his head for a moment a little puzzled by the commotion and felt his face as wondered once again if he were awake. HE looked from the glimmering stone back to the woods and back at the stone. Hah, that man is crazy, there is no such thing. I don't believe in magic or a stone having powers." Ben told himself. With both hands he leaned over and pulled the stone out of the coil of the roots. As it was tugged lose, the tree began to shake but there was no wind and suddenly it turned black as night as the sun shined brightly on it, and a soft moan seemed to surrounded Ben. Panicking, Ben, tripped over the trees roots as he ran back. ~ ~ ~ "What is wrong?" Ben's mother asked as she put his dinner on the table. "Nothing," Ben replied with a solemn tone. He didn't dare tell his parents what happened in the woods. They would think he was insane... because it was insane. But the stone rested firmly in his pocket as evidence. But still, they wouldn't believe him. Quickly eating dinner, he left the table and went up to his room. Taking the rock out of the pocket he examined it. He had determined it was, in fact, a diamond. It was very attractive, and every time Ben looked at it he seemed to envy it more. " I hope this is a dream," he mumbled as he turned the stone over in his hands. Then sticking it back in his pocket he jumped in bed... and shortly fell asleep. ~ ~ ~ The morning came unwelcomingly. Ben yawned and stretched, and he noticed it was extremely cold. Shivering he got out of his bed and put on several pairs of shirts and pants. "It’s extremely cold for the middle of summer," he thought as he walked to the window. His mouth dropped open as he saw what lay on the ground. There was lots and lots of snow. What the heck is snow doing-," Ben stopped talking and remembered the stone. I don't believe it. The stone is causing this," he gasped as he pulled the diamond from his pocket. "Mom, dad," Ben yelled as he ran downstairs. If the stone really was magical and the man is right, then he would be killed. He needed to get away from the woods as fast as possible, and perhaps his parents would listen to hi story since there was snow on the ground. After all- how in the world could they explain that?! "Mom, dad," Bean yelled out as he barged into his parents room. Nobody was there. Rushing into the kitchen he continued t o call out. Then checking his brother's room, he found he was not there either. "Where is everybody?" Ben yelled as he looked in the bathroom and was quickly beginning to panic. Opening the front door he went outside and called their names but his voice was empty. Nobody was in sight. But then- then his eyes fell on something else unusual. There was a large man moving out of the woods. and it most certainly wasn't anybody he knew. The man was five times the size of him, and he was black clothes, black gloves, and black boots. His face was turned into a snarl and in his right hands he held an axe. "Oh my God!" Ben yelled in disbelief. Behind that man was another giant holding an axe, but Ben didn't stay to watch. Turning around he ran back inside and locked the door. HE then began moving furniture in front of the door way and locked the windows. "Leave me alone!" Ben shouted desperatly as he heard the heavy boots of the two men approaching him. They sunk into the snow heavily one after another as they plunged forward towards his house. "You can run but you can't hind," One called back with a loud snicker." "Thump, Thump," The steady swing of axe came down on the door. Ben panicked as he ran upstairs. "We want that Stone!" one shouted!" HE screamed as he slammed his door shut and locked it. Then he heard the downstairs door break open, and the man’s boots pounded on the floor as the entered. He listened quietly as one of the boots went to the right hall, and other he listed as they approached the stairs. "No!" he thought to himself. "I'm gonna die!" Ben's heart was pounding. What was he going to do? HE looked toward the window and running to it, he tore it open and jumped down out onto the snow covered ground. Landing softly in the snow he immediately stood up and started running. The stone was in his pocket and he had to return it before he was killed. One of the giants yelled out of his window, and the next thing he could hear were the two running after him as he tore off as fast as he could ahead. Into the woods he ran, jumping over branches, and swerving to the right and left to avoid trees. If the two men chasing him wasn't bad enough, he heard the howling of dogs, and turning his head to the right he was a vicious dog as he bared his fangs, in the distance. Up ahead he saw the pond- it wasn't far away. It was covered in ice and right beside it was the tree. "I have the stone," Ben yelled as he approached. "Tell them to leave me alone." As Ben came closer to the pond he saw the man who had first warned him standing by the tree. "Tell them to leave me alone. I'm returning the stone!" Ben yelled. He continued running and jumping in the air he tossed the stone and as it landed in its rightful place one of the giant's axe's whistled through the air as it found a mark on Ben's skull. Ben waited for the moment of death to come but nothing happened. He had closed his eyes and opening them he looked around. The giants had disappeared and as he gazed around he saw the snow begin to disappear revealing fresh grass underneath and he watched as the tree began to grow back to life turning from black to green and the little pond thawed turned warm once more. Before long everything looked like it once had. Ben sat up and the little Man who had first warned him reappeared and said, "you are the first person to ever live. Ben shrugged his shoulders with relief and nothing more to say he left the little man behind as he returned to the cabin, wondering what on Earth had happened to his family. He opened the door of the cabin and nearly yelled in disbelief when he saw his whole family sitting around the table. "I told you not to be late for dinner," Ben's mother complained. "Ohh, really sorry mum," Ben shrugged. "Better late then never though." Sitting down=n at the table Ben ate and was somewhat grateful to be alive. Ben spent that night going over what had happened over in his head. Did it really happen? "Thump, thump." Somebody pounding on his door interrupted his thoughts and in walked his brother. "Hey Ben, I want to show you something, but you can't tell anybody," he whispered, coming toward Ben he opened his hands, "Looked what I found," Ben's brother said. In his hands he held the diamond.

[Spam not permitted. Magus]

Posted By: * raye * Mar 10, 2005 - 01:40 pm

um, Ativan, I could be wrong but i think you want this to be in the sci-fi?fantasy short stories bit and not Lycoria. it's really well written though. kudos on that.

Posted By: Magus Mar 10, 2005 - 02:42 pm

If that's the case then just say so and I can move it over there for you.

Posted By: Magus Mar 10, 2005 - 05:25 pm

O.K. I've moved it.

Posted By: thegreentick Mar 11, 2005 - 03:05 am

Well, first thing, you need to learn to hit the return key. That was the hardest thing I've had to read in a long time because I kept losing my place.

Second, I am guessing that you haven't been writing for a very long time. It wasn't badly written but it seemed a little inexperienced.

First of all, editing for spelling and grammer mistakes is a must before submitting it to others for a critique. If your spelling and grammer is not very good, it will not be taken seriously.

The story was pretty good but one thing that bugged me was the fact that this all powerful magic stone was just sitting at the base of some tree. What was special about this place?

I thought it could have been a little longer too. It had the flavor of a long story that was crammed into a very small space. I would suggest expanding it. Let us get to know the character and his family a little bit more.

And this was just me, but I thought it would have been a better ending if the main character had died, but that's just me.

Anyway, overall, I thought it was a decent story. I would suggest some editing and perhaps give the story a couple changes.

Keep writing.