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Posted By: AOTP Mar 16, 2005 - 05:57 pm

I am writing a novel and I want to improve as much as I can, so give me HONEST feedback. This is the first chapter so read this bit and hunger for more!


CHAPTER I: District FIVE

1137 July 18th, 2145 A.D.
New York – District Five


“Civilization degrades the many to exalt the few.” –Amos Bronson Alcott, Table Talk (1877)

Sion Ulric stared into the horizon, only to see the remains of the once prosperous New York. The sun was shining, but it didn’t cheer him up at all. He heard the sound of an alarm, followed by gunshots. A bank robbery was in process, and the police were nowhere in sight.
“Pitiful.” He murmured.
No one cares about a place like this. No one cares about a bunch of worthless orphans. I find it hard to imagine every major city on Earth is like this, like a nightmare you can’t get out of.
He heard the sliding of the door behind him.
“What are you doing, Sion? You shouldn’t be out here. I was worried sick you may have wandered out alone. Now come back inside. I can’t risk anyone being killed by stray bullets.” The priest spoke.
He knew the gang activity was at its worst during the night and it was only noon. The priest is too overprotective and was willing to lie to keep the children safe so he could go about his business. He’s never around to see the threat inside this “sanctuary of God”.
“I can’t stand this place anymore. It reeks, the walls are made of cheap cement, the food is terrible, and no one is around to keep order.” Just for a short time he wished he could disappear and leave this orphanage. He dreamed of eating normal food instead of living on bread and soup. He dreamed of not having to deal with unending verbal abuse by Brutus and his brain-dead lackeys.
“I understand you don’t like it here, but,” he hesitated. “But there’s nowhere else you can go, Sion. Job opportunities are very low and money is very hard to come by here in District Five, and it costs 200 credits for a passage to District Four, and the average rent for an apartment is around 25 credits a week, and you’re only seven years old.”
“Why do we have to live and die here? Why does the UN keep the people they call useless in the lower Districts to die in the most disgusting ways imaginable? Why do they keep the lousy rich in the higher districts where they are allowed to spend millions of credits at will for themselves?”
“People are never satisfied with what they have. The poor dream to be rich, and the rich dream to be richer. Greed overcomes the weak-minded like the light overcomes the fly.”
“We are not flies. We’re stuck with mere bread crumbs and the filth on the streets.”
“I know for a fact we aren’t flies, and I apologize for the little food that we have, but we must make the best of our situation.” There’s no way he could make the best of this. With little to no food, Brutus stealing that food from all the little kids, nonstop paranoia of being killed, and he expects me to make the best of the situation?
“It’s hilarious you’re hopeful when the sidewalks get a fresh coat of blood every day.”
“And it’s pretty funny that you’re so gloomy.”
“I’m a realist. You’ll become one too once you start to see the truth of our situation.” I can’t believe you don’t see the truth. The elders are supposed to be full of wisdom, and you are full of half-assed beliefs.
“Come to my office after lunch. Speaking of lunch, it’s almost noon. Come back in and sit with the other kids. The longer you take, the hungrier you make your sister and the others.”
“Oh, great, there’s nothing like stale bread and bad soup that ends up down some idiot’s throat.”
“Look, just go to the food line and wait. I’ll send the nun to hand out the food to you all. I need to make an important call.”

The nun began passing out the bread and soup to the children in line as soon as Sion got in line. He felt a strong shove from behind him. He knew who was behind him.
“If you take this long to get in line again, I’ll slam your ugly face into the ground.” Ignore the threat. He’s just an ignoramus with a mouth bigger than his ego.
The nun gave him a small ration of bread and a quart of soup. As always, the bread was stale and the soup looked aged, but it didn’t matter. This is the best food he’d ever have.
He sat next to his little sister, who was talking away with a young girl with long, reddish-brown hair and crystal blue eyes. She’s finally found a friend in this junkyard. I envy you, Ceri.
“Hi, Ceri.”
“Hi, brother. Can’t you call me sis?” You’re my sister, but Ceri is your name. I can’t call you anything else but your true name.
“Ceri is your name. Why is calling you by your name such an offense?”
She paused for a moment. I don’t understand why it bothers you so much “Oh, this here is Alita. I met her by the backyard. The poor dear lived on the streets until she came here. Well? Introduce yourselves!”
“Hi, my name is Alita Damaris, and your name is…Sion? Is that right?”
“Yes, you pronounced my name correctly.”
“Sion’s a weird name, but don’t listen to me. I like that name a lot. So your siblings, right? Anyways, you are good at four square, Ceri! All the guys were huffing and puffing playing with you!” Dang, does she know how to stop talking?
Ceri chuckled a little, “Why thank you.”
While Ceri and Sophia were discussing about the games they played during recess, Sion felt a paper airplane hitting the back of his head. He picked the piece of paper up and unfolded to reveal a message. The handwriting was very messy, but he understood what it said:

Surrender Your food or I’ll kill you, Pariah lover
--Brutus Aeneas

He chuckled, crumbled up the piece of paper and threw it over his shoulder. He knew the term was Earthling at heart and it’s a hurtful term to the Martians or to those who lived in the lowest Districts. Brutus is greedy, selfish, and has a lust for power, but he is not a murderer.
Or maybe I’m just too darn idealistic.
“What did it say that made you laugh, brother?”
“Oh, it was nothing important.” He deliberately lied. He remembered the last kid who refused to hand over his ration, and now he can barely chew. He couldn’t believe was insane enough to injure others, but that’s what you get for being cocky.
Then he saw Brutus and about two of his lackeys leave their table and started to walk towards Sion’s table. They were all around the age of ten with Brutus around the age of eleven.
“Greetings, Pariahs.” Brutus uses that term to all the people who aren’t what he calls in. Just ignore this moron. “Ceri, because of your brother’s tardiness and ignorance to waiting in line for so long, all three of you must surrender your ration of bread. If you refuse to hand it over to us, we’ll take the soup, too.”
Alita sprung up from her chair and walked up to Brutus. “Look, he was just about fifteen minutes late because he was having a discussion with the priest. You have no right to boss us around.” He hoped she knew she was flirting with death.
“I guess if we refuse, you’ll kill us like you said in the note, correct?” Sion remarked. Do not fight him. Get him into trouble without making trouble is a much better plan.
“No, I won’t hurt you. These guys right here will be the ones to inflict pain on you. I don’t want to stain my hands with a Pariah’s blood.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you were a comedian.” Sion boldly said.
“Cut the chatter, turd face. You three better give us your bread ration or I’ll slam your faces into the wall.”
Ceri stood up and uttered the words, “Enough, Brutus. Just forget about this, ok? It makes no sense for you to boss others around just because you’re bigger than us.”
“You little witch, never say what I can and can’t do.” He pushed Ceri down on the floor with great strength, “Understand?” Alita stood up and walked right in front of Brutus.
“How dare you, Brutus! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?” Alita cried. He grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and hoisted her to eye level.
“I warned you wenches not to cross my path. First, I’ll break every bone in your body, and then I’ll take your food and leave you out on the roads. Lee, keep this witch away from me at all costs.”
“With utmost pleasure, boss.” Lee remarked in a perverse tone. Lee put his arm around her neck from behind then locked her arm behind her back. She struggled to break free, but his grip was too strong.
“Good. Now before I deal with you, witch, I’m going to take care of your little boyfriend over here. Brett, you may do the honors.”
“Finally! I’ve been waiting for someone to tear limb from limb!”
The other orphans surrounded them so Sion couldn’t escape. He saw Ceri desperately trying to get to Sion and stop the fighting, but the other kids’ hunger to see their “role model” beat up a kid three years younger than he was. Just because they want to be “cool”.
Brett swung his arms trying to hit Sion’s head. He ducked easily. Sion veered to the left and clinched Brett. Sion then kneed Brett right in the side of the ribcage and punched him straight beneath the breastbone. Then he kneed Brett in the head then performed a side kick in the middle of his chest.
Brett got up, but Brutus yelled “Halt!”
He didn’t bother to move another inch.
“You know Brett, you may be strong, but you have virtually no finesse. I can’t believe I let you walk near me.”
“But sir, I’ll slaughter him once I get my hands on him, I swear!” Sion knew he was desperate to be known, but even more desperate to be liked.
“You won’t get your hands on him because you’re too •••• slow.”
“But,” Brett paused and he began to shed tears, “I promise I’ll bring him down! Please, I just don’t want to go back to being a nobody.” He was like me before, and believed the only way to make friends was to join the wrong crowd. It was a pitiful situation that has been repeated to death. Brutus picked Brett up by the neck, breaking his cheekbone with one punch; body slammed him on the hard steel floor, and then bent his leg until it was ready to snap. If this is the true you Brutus, then I may have no alternatives.
“You see what I did to this wuss? I swear you’ll end up worse than this ignoramus!” Brutus, you’re the only ignoramus around here.
Ceri got past the crowd and frantically rushed in between the two, “Please stop it, the both of you! There’s no reason for this!”
“Get out of my way, witch!” Sion saw Brutus punched Ceri across the face and watched as she fell in great agony. The spectacle lasted only three seconds, but it felt like a minute to him. The children around them watched in horror. Is this guy truly a murderer at heart?
Sion’s anger took over his mind and body. While Brutus was distracted, he struck him across the face; roundhouse kicked him in the chest, then switched positions and sent a side-kick into his pelvis.
He leaned back after being caught off guard, but recovered fast.
Brutus began swinging his arms much like Brett did, but with more finesse. Sion dodged all three incoming strikes. Brutus then took a large step past Sion and straighten his arm. Attempting a close-liner? Is he that undisciplined?
Sion dodged it easy, and Brutus was open from behind. He launched a side-kick into the back of Brutus’ head. He fell to the floor like a brick. The crowd around then appeared shocked to see the one they feared and sided with down on the ground,
“Please, enough!” Alita screamed, but they ignored her. I’m sorry Alita, but I have to do this.
Brutus refused to go down. His anger is still burning brighter than the Sun itself. No, he can not get back up. If he didn’t end this now, he will continue to fight and they will get worse and worse. First they’ll kill Alita, then Ceri, and then he will be finished off.
It was savage to attack someone who laid helplessly on the ground, but savagery is the lowest price Sion could afford to pay right now.
Sion viciously kicked him in both the ribcage and face and Brutus struggled to get up. They watched as Sion became the animal. They watched as Brutus collapsed on the ground, as Sion was still ready to fight. It was over. It was finally over.
Ceri got back up to see Sion triumphant, and Sion did not see the look of congratulatory thanks, but with a look of fear and sorrow. Sion came back to his senses to see what he has done. He saw the crowd, looking at him like he was a monster. He saw Lee still holding on to Alita, afraid. “Let her go, Lee!” he shouted with a thunderous voice. Lee immediately let go and fled to his room.
“Brother, how could you do this?” Ceri murmured.
“I…I don’t know. I lost control and…no, it is my fault.” He began to cry. No, you idiot. Do not cry in front of these people. He couldn’t get rid of the guilt.
He saw the priest from the distance, smiling. How could you smile? I destroyed him, and you smile at me, proud of what I did. He heard the thunderous applause for this “achievement”, finally being freed of Brutus’ reign, but Sion did not smile.
“Its okay, Sion. There was no way you could have avoided this.” Alita spoke in a comforting tone, but it’s no use. Sion ran left, down the hall to his decrypted room to be alone. He yelled at the top of his lungs, “How could I done this?” then he whispered to himself, “Nothing makes sense anymore.”? Who the hell am I?”

Posted By: Magus Mar 16, 2005 - 06:03 pm

I have to actually go now. But you really REALLY need to put a space between all paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read and will likely then draw more people to it.

I'll read it when I can.