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Posted By: HulloKitty202 Mar 17, 2005 - 05:41 pm

I just started writing this piece out of the blue and wondered what you guys thought of it. I think there are a few weak parts and I'm hoping you guys could help with the corrections.The marble walls held remarkable splendor for the shabbiness that made up the rest of the room. Stained and tattered furniture adorned the room and all of it was covered with thick carpets. Two windows faced the street with golden beams entered the room, lighting it with a golden glow. A man entered the room he was dressed in brown tunic with dark black leggings. Black hair fell to his shoulders. Two silver pistols hung in waist holsters. He entered the room and sat down on a covered couch and waited. A quarter of an hour later a small lean figure entered the room. Sniffing loudly he drew a short stubby double-barreled gun and looked around cautiously. He spoke in a raspy whisper as his eyes fell on the man sitting on the couch, his eyes closed.
"I did not see you, Taron"
The man's eyes opened and a hint of a smile fluttered around his lips.
"Is he here yet, Jex?"
The goblin had holstered his gun and shook his head. Sighing, Taron stood up. His light blue eyes studied the room in greater detail. He turned around to address the goblin "Not really the bastard’s idea of luxury eh Jex?" Jex shook his head vigoursly. The man laughed. Everyone else had a different name for Rake. The Reaper. Rake was a powerful senator for the Empire and the entire city knew what he had done to claw his way to power. You just had to follow the bodies. Again the door opened and both Jex and Taron stiffened. A tall grandfatherly figure entered the room. Dressed in naives blue robes with gold cuffs that symbolized that he was a Senator, his presence was one of a great weight that was stifling. Silver hair fell to his waist and two silver balls hung from his ears. Terrence Rake. Both Jex and Taron bowed. Waving his hand carelessly he gestured to the couch that Anakin had just been sitting on. Both Jex and the man sat down.
"I have a new. Agenda..." Rake spoke in an almost girlish giggle. The man exchanged a look with Jex. Rake did not catch it.
"You two will...remove... a fellow Senator of mine who has courageously stood up against me. It will be his last mistake."
Taron stood his blue eyes flashing, "I'm not your killer anymore, Rake, I'm done killing for you” Rake’s black eyes flashed and his hand raised.
"Sit down Taron Jacobsen, you can't just walk out on my contract or if you choose to do so, I will hurt you. Immensely."
Taron sat down anger coursing through his veins. How he hated this bastard. Taron had been his man for 2 and half years, he and Jex. They were his hit men. They were unstoppable. Taron had the fastest draw in Hayle City not to mention his uncanny ability to put down enemies permanently. Jex was an expert at explosives hence a lot of their targets only had a brief second of pain. Rumors had filled the city about the two men who had been on a tear of justice. Justice, Taron thought bitterly. Justice, that was Rake's spiel. We are doing it for the common man. At least at the beginning it had been. Even Taron had been glad to remove the first of Rake's targets. That was before Rake discovered real power. Rake had been a Senator even before he rescued Taron from the streets. But he had dabbled in the Arts and with his incredible intelligence he learned quickly. It had devoured him. He no longer chose beings that were evil just those that got in his way. He redirected his attention to Rake. Rake had a smirk playing about his lips as he cleared his throat that
made Jex jump.
“You two will kill Senator Garlow…the man’s well protected but I expect you can handle him…” he laughed softly and continued “Bring his head back…for examination.” He motioned them along but as they reached the door he cleared his throat again and in an almost whisper, “Remember our contract Jacobsen…” and with this he made a very odd gesture, crossing his face. As they returned to the everyday bustle of Hayle City, Taron looked at Jex who seemed petrified with fear at Taron’s belligerence towards Rake and muttered “Showtime.”

Posted By: Magus Mar 20, 2005 - 06:12 pm

The last two paragraphs are rather redundent in their inner workings. The following sentences I'd recomend removing:

"They were his hit men. They were unstoppable."

"not to mention his uncanny ability to put down enemies permanently"

Overall I noticed several things that you can work on. You have a lot of fragments scattered about the piece. remove them or have them absorbed into the other sentences. Also, many sentences seem to run on, but they aren't run-ons. Basically go through the piece and insert commas when necesary.

I also found that you use the names to often. You even use the full names a lot. You can simply imply who it is, by saying "he" when the readers know who "he" is.

In the beginning you use the same words in the same sentence or a sentence apart. Try to vary your vocabulary and diction a bit more.

In your fifth paragraph I got confused. Who is the goblin? It never clearly states who it is.

Other then that I liked it. The idea of corrupt politicians, while not entire;y new, is very well prtrayed. I'd be interested in reading anything more of this story you might have.

Good job!