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Posted By: Princess of fire Mar 21, 2005 - 03:30 pm

The Prince of the Flame

by:FirePrincess,

Chapter One:Conner’s Specialty
“A stronger power will come to you in one-hundred and sixty-eight hours.”

It was one of Chicago’s coldest autumn days. Fall was nearing its end and the air was icy cold. Three boys were chasing another down the street. They all were covered in thick black jackets that seemed to expand in the cold air. They could not be seen under the mountain of clothing covering them. Their eyes were covered with green goggles. The boy being chased, however, was only wearing a raincoat and earmuffs. He had sunny blond hair and enormous green eyes.
“Come back here, Connie!” one of the boys shouted, he apparently was the leader of the gang because he was also shouting out commands to the others. “Connie” was actually Conner. He wanted to shout this information to his pursuers, but he was panting so much that he was afraid that if he started to talk, he would slow down and they would catch-up.
Conner was passing up many stores hoping to find one that was open, but his search was in vain. Because it was Sunday, all of the stores were closed early. Maybe I can out-run them. He thought. Unfortunately, he was almost at his energy limit and he had lost all of the feeling in his legs an hour before the chase had begun. Conner turned the corner and saw a small store. It looked like an old Chinese house with red roofs and green walls. It had some Chinese or Japanese words on the door. The English words on the sign said “Terra’s Magic Shop.” Conner ran into the store hurriedly. He sighed and scratched his hands with his claw-like fingernails. I hate frost bight. He looked around although it was hard for him to see by candlelight. It had an old musty smell to it. The shelves that were seeable were covered in books. Some had sculls and sticks, and others had mysterious boxes with glass balls by them.
“Weird place.” Conner said to himself as he picked up a very unusual book. “Advanced Magic for Tobes and Warlocks?”
“I wouldn’t read that one if I were you.” Said a voice from behind Conner. He spun around a girl behind the register. She looked about his age but by the way she was talking he figured that she had to be at least twenty. To Conner, this girl appeared to be a Goth (because of her clothes). She had sleek black hair that ran all the way down to her waist and she had eyes that were ocean blue. The most stunning thing about her, though, was the necklace she was wearing. It was a red gem the size of a baby’s fist tied to a silver string. As Conner examined her she stared at him with unblinking eyes.
“Uh,” he said, “why not?”
The girl threw a piece of gum in her mouth and said, “Because, you’re way too young for that book.”
“And how old are you supposed to be?”
“Four.” The girl answered starting to file her nails.
“Listen lady,” Conner said turning red-faced, “I’m fifteen and-!” he attempted to open the book, “ why the heck wont this stupid thing open?!”
“What kind of creature are you?” the Goth asked staring at his vampire fangs. Conner clenched his fangs.
“Is this a joke or something?!” he said. After bruising his hands, he angrily threw the book back on its shelf. He was about to walk out the door when something caught his eye. It looked like an oversized white marshmallow. Conner froze as it barked. Is that a dog? He turned to the Goth who was reading a book with a picture of a green furry monster on it. The ‘dog’ continued to bark. Conner knelt down and picked it up. It didn’t have any legs or a tail. In fact, the only things that seemed to stick out of it were its cat-like black dog-ears. It felt like silk too so Conner figured that it was just part of a magic kit.
“Like him?” the girl asked. Conner didn’t even notice that she had been staring at him the entire time.
He looked at her confused, “’Him’? Uh, yah. How much is ‘he’?” he put the thing on the desk. It started growling a snarling at the girl wile she told Conner that it was for sale for fifteen dollars. Before Conner left the store, the girl told him that it was actually a real dog.

“Well, I don’t really know what to do with you. If only I hadn’t moved out of my parents’ house I’d know what to feed you.” Conner looked around as the dog sat there staring at him. At least, that’s what Conner thought. He rummaged through the cabinets as the dog watched him unenthusiastically. “Ah ha! Found it.” Conner said pulling out a can of corn-beef hash. “Now what should I call you?” He pored the foul smelling substance into a dish for his new companion as it sniffed the food in front of it. It ate intently until Conner turned his back. Once he did, the dog spat the food into a near-by garbage can. Conner picked the dog up and put it onto a chair, “I know,” he said looking eye to eye with the dog, “I’ll call you Bruce.” Later that night, while Conner was asleep, Bruce jumped onto his bed and lay next to his friend, “BahZM nagGinE.” Conner said before the dog fell asleep.
When Conner woke the next day, he met a huge surprise. He turned over to find a man sleeping next to him. Conner screamed. The man’s violet eyes flew open and he screamed too. Conner fell off his bed with a loud thud. The man staring at him had white hair. He glanced over the bed.
“Who the heck are you?! I mean what are you?! I mean, what are you doing here?!” Conner hollered pointing a long claw at this person that he’d never met nor seen.
“Name’s Kevin,” the man said rubbing some dust from his eyes, “not Bruce.” He added, trying to fix his matted white hair. “And you are?” Conner stood up but said nothing. He had a strange felling that this Kevin did something to his dog. “Hello?” Kevin said. “Can you hear me? Just in case you wanted to know,” he said as Conner reached for the phone, “I was the mutt.” Conner got nearer so Kevin continued, “I think that that’s why Terra sold me to you. Ta tell you the truth, I thought that she had gone crazy, selling me to a complete stranger.” Kevin picked up a brush and tried even harder to fix his hair. He couldn’t though; his hair was an impossible mess. Conner started to dial the numbers for the police department when Kevin said something that made him freeze. He said, “When you were talking about your parents in your sleep, you kept on apologizing. Why is that? Aren’t you an orphan?” the phone fell to the ground as Conner clutched Kevin’s throat. Kevin did not notice that he was being strangled until he was several feet off of the ground. He knew then that he had said the wrong thing.
“ Shut up!” Conner whispered in a cold voice choking Kevin even more. “You don’t know anything about that!” a single tear trickled down his face.
“I know a lot about you.” Kevin said. “ Don’t ask me how, I just do. If you put me down I can fill you in.” Conner didn’t move. He seemed to be seeing something that wasn’t there. Kevin grabbed Conner’s arm as he gasped for breath, “Please put me down.” He begged. Conner seemed to regain his focus and dropped Kevin. He backed away shaking his head with a horrified look on his face.
“I… I ‘m sorry.” Conner said as his eyes widened. He was breathing with as much ease as Kevin was. They didn’t speak for a while. The only sounds that could be herd from either of them was their heavy breathing. Kevin was able to catch his breath first.
“No,” he said, “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t’ a pushed my luck. After all, you saved me. I would have been a dog forever if you hadn’t used that helpful incant.” He got up. He was a couple feet taller than Conner was, “Let’s start over. My name’s Kevin Sanderson and I’m sixteen years old. My specialty is transformation and I’m at your service.”
Conner smiled weekly, “My name is Conner Toma- I mean Adams and…wait, I thought you were thirty. What do you mean by specialty?”
“It will all be explained soon.” Kevin replied grabbing Conner’s hand and ran to Terra’s Magic Shop. They entered the musty old shop to find the “Goth” but she didn’t appear to be one today. Actually, she was quite the opposite. She was wearing all white clothes and her hair and eyes were both completely white. The only thing on her that was the same color as it was the day before was the ruby necklace. She was a little shorter than Conner was. He gawked at her.
“Hay Terra!” Kevin said greeting his friend. Right before Conner’s eyes, all that was white on Terra became a fiery red as her fist flew into Kevin’s jaw. He clutched his bleeding mouth tightly asking her, with tears consuming his eyes, “What was that for?” he sounded more like a mistreated dog than a human.
“Why did you make me wait so long?!” she barked. She sounded as if she had a British accent. Kevin sobbed while ribbing his wound and nodded in the direction of Conner. Terra looked at Conner as if he had just interrupted an extremely important conversation. She didn’t even notice him there. The sneered, “ And who are you exactly?”
“Conner.” He answered timidly. Terra’s red eyes were making him very uneasy. Terra laughed as her eyes turned blue and her clothes and hair turned black again.
“You’re not very bright,” she said wiping a tear from her face, still laughing, “are you?” Conner didn’t understand why Terra was getting such a kick out of his name. “Sorry,” she said, “ it’s just that not many half-breeds reveal their names to pure blooded creatures.”
“’Half-breed’?” Conner repeated confusedly.
“Ya know,” Kevin, said grabbing Conner’s attention, “you don’t have to act like you don’t know what we’re talking about. Terra’s the country warlock and I’m a merlin so you don’t have to worry. Besides, your heart-shield is terrible and it was easy to spot you.”
“’Heart-shield’, ‘merlin’, ‘warlock’? What are you talking about?” Conner asked bemused.
“Hay Kevin,” Terra said, “maybe he really doesn’t know.” Kevin nodded.
“You think that’s why his heart-shield is so weak?” he asked.
“Probably.”
“You guys know I can hear you right?” Conner said. “You may be speaking in codes but I can still understand you.”
“He thinks he’s a normell.” Kevin said sniggering.
“I’m not deaf ya know.”
“Oh do shut up!” Terra said rolling her eyes.
A ball of golden light flew from her hand and sealed Conner’s mouth. Conner couldn’t talk. He attempted to pull the substance off of him but it wouldn’t budge. Kevin and Terra continued their conversation as Conner scratched at the goo. After a little while, Conner realized that it was impossible to get it off with only his claws so he looked around the shop. He found an old red trunk and pried to open with a crowbar. The trunk was full of weapons of all kinds. He reached for them hoping that one would be helpful. Unfortunately, the cross-bows arrow was deflected; the mace’s spikes were shattered; the ax was too heavy; the sword seemed to tern into a limp noodle; the flame-thrower ran out of gas before it melted a drop off. He tried using a chain saw, knifes, and swords but, to be blunt, nothing Conner tried would work against the stuff Terra had thrown at his face. Conner’s eye was now twitching uncontrollably. Kevin and Terra both turned around staring at Conner.
“ I forgot about you.” Terra said. She held out her hand and the silver goo on Conner’s mouth disappeared. He coughed he wanted to as her how she did that but she answered him before he had the chance to ask, “It’s magic idiot.” She said. Conner opened his mouth as if he was going to say something back at Terra but Kevin was quicker to speak.
“ We’ve been talking,” he said.
“I can see that.” Conner viciously said.
Kevin pretended that he hadn’t heard that and continued, “ and we’ve decided that we would teach you magic and stuff.” Conner stared at them bewildered. He couldn’t believe his ears. They were going to teach him magic?
“Well, you are half merlin.” Terra said. Conner still was staring at them. Terra went on, “ Don’t you know anything? That’s a stupid question, of course you don’t. I am the country warlock. That means that I’m the head of the American magical community and you still don’t understand, do you?”
“Understand what?”
Kevin sighed and said,“ Conner, is also half demon. So, hay, do you know what the tobe is?”
“Tobe? Did you guys hit your heads or something?”
“I told you he wouldn’t believe us.” Terra said. Her eyes fell onto the crossbow by Conner. It gave her an idea, “ Come on Kevin,” she said, “ I can see that he’s too afraid and weak. He can’t even pick up a little cross-bow.”
“I can too!” Conner said picking it up as Terra turned her back.
“Sure you can and I’m the queen of England.” Terra said walking away. “You don’t even know how to work it let alone hold it.”
“ Yah I can! Just look!” he pulled the trigger as Terra spun around. Kevin smiled as Terra raised her hand. Conner shouted at Terra to move out of the way but she didn’t. The arrow got closer as Terra exchanged looks of amusement. The arrow exploded when it was only a foot away from Terra. Conner stopped yelling. He didn’t understand. How could the arrow just blow up?
Terra put her hand down and said, “That is magic, or at least, a small portion of what Kevin and I could teach you.”
Conner’s training was the hardest he’d ever done. Terra kept yelling at him and calling him an idiot. Kevin could not help Conner and he also was laughing hysterically and uncontrollably. Terra’s color had been red since Conner shot his first arrow. The first spell Terra was trying to teach Conner was how to change the color of a crayon, unfortunately, Conner wasn’t very good at it. By now, Conner was panting. (Kevin and Terra found out that Conner could not sweat so he panted like a dog or wolf would.)
“Come on!” Terra moaned. “Any first level merlin could do it!” her face was turning as red as her hair.
“Why do I have to do this?” Conner wined. “I mean we’ve been at it for days. There’s no possible way that that crayon is going to change color.” Kevin appeared out of no were and looked form Conner to Terra and back again. Conner rested his head on the table. He was exhausted. Terra was going to yell at Kevin for breaking Conner’s concentration but she got a better idea. She decided to give Kevin the job of teaching Conner something wile she cooled herself down with a large cup of coffee. When Terra slammed the door Kevin pulled up a chair as he grinned broadly.
“Never thought she’d leave.” He said putting his chin on the back of the chair. Conner was still panting. Kevin didn’t say another word until Conner stopped. When he did, Kevin grabbed the crayon and said, “No wonder you can’t get it to change. This stupid thing’s lame. I mean, changing the color of something is just boring, dull, and really really lame.” Conner lifted his head up and laughed a little. “You need something more exiting and fun. I think the reason Terra gets so worked up about color is ‘cause it comes so easily to her. Anyways, I hated color changing when I first learnt it.” Kevin snapped the crayon in half and threw it in the garbage. “Lets do… elements.”
“Like the ones with the huge trunks?” asked Conner.
Kevin shook his head, “El-em-ents. Ya know? Like earth, wind, water, and fire?”
“Oh. Elements. Why didn’t you say so?”
“Well,” Kevin said, “ya probably don’t know how to do ‘em though. Fer fire power, you,” Conner didn’t seem to notice what Kevin was saying because he was too busy lighting the surrounding candles, “just do that.” Conner was having a ball with the power of fire.
Several hours had passed before Terra arrived at the library. Her hair and overall color became black again, “So,” she said taking a sip of coffee, “how goes Conner’s magic lesson?” Kevin was nervously smiling as he blocked the door.
“Everything’s going fine.” He lied as smoke billowed out of the library. Terra saw it and tried to get passed Kevin. However, when she moved to the left, he jumped in front of her. When she tried the right, he jumped in front of her again.
“What are you doing?” she asked him.
“Nothing.” Kevin smiled anxiously. Terra tried getting past him again but Kevin still blocked her. Terra had a feeling that he and Conner were hiding something, “Oh,” Kevin said, “am I in your way?” Terra was tuning red but not enough for Kevin to know that she was really very angry. She faked to the right where Kevin leaped and passed him on the left.
“Now you’re not.” She said smiling cunningly. Terra swung the door open as Kevin turned around. Terra took one look around slammed the door shut. The hole room was in flame and Conner was in the middle of it all, trying to get rid of the fire with text books and scrolls, “Kevin,” she said as calmly as she could, “please tell me that you started that fire.” Kevin gulped and shook his head.
“Terra,” hollered Conner, “help me.” Terra opened the door slightly and shouted into the room that she wouldn’t. “Why not?” she closed the door and turned to Kevin.
“Lets leave this to him.” she said. “He started it so he can stop it. If it were you, maybe I could help, but since I don’t know the extent of Conner’s power I can’t help.” Kevin and Terra both walked into the wreck room and rested. Terra took out a little black book and started to read from it. Kevin slumped down in the furry red chair uneasily, “Don’t worry,” Terra said taking a sip of coffee, “the house won’t burn down. I put a spell on the room so that the fire would remain in there.”
Conner was still in the ever-growing flames trying to put the fire out. He couldn’t yell any more because the smoke made his throat weak and swollen. Stupid fire, he thought, why the heck won’t you die? Conner grabbed a jar of golden dust but when he tried to use it to put out the fire, it only got bigger. The more worked up he got, the bigger the fire seemed to get. Conner realized that the fire wouldn’t die as long as he kept feeding it so he stopped. He fell to the ground a moment later from exhaustion.
“How can… I… get… this fire …to… stop?” Conner panted. He turned to a portrait on the ground it looked like Terra except it seemed to be a boy. He also thought that if it even had been Terra with short hair, she never smiles.
Conner looked around and realized that the fire was almost completely gone. He leaped up and tried to put it out again but as soon as he got to his feet, the flames flew up again. Then he fully understood something about the fire. Whatever he did would affect what the fire’s next move would be. His spirit controlled it. Conner smiled. He moved to the left and the fire followed him.
“Cool.” Said Conner smiling even more. The fire acted and looked like a blazing shadow, “Sweet.” Conner made it dance for a while before he got board. “Hmm,” he said, “wonder how ya make it disappear.” Immediately after he said that, it vanished. “Cool.”
Conner walked calmly out of the library with a brad smile on his face. Terra had her face planted in her book and Kevin was playing a video game on his game boy. He greeted Conner without turning his eyes away from the game. Conner suddenly remembered the reason that he smelled like a bond fire. He didn’t have enough will power, however, to complain though. Instead, he decided that bothering Terra would give him a lot more pleasure than whining.
“Hay Terra,” he said, “sorry ta disappoint you. Bet you really would like to see me burn, wouldn’t ya?” Terra didn’t move. She didn’t even seem to notice that Conner had even entered the room, “Hello?” he wanted to annoy Terra but his plan was backfiring. “Terra,” Conner was becoming red from frustration, “are you even lis-” Conner picked her book up and planned on throwing it back in her face but when he looked at her face, Terra was sleeping peacefully. “She’s sleepin’.” Conner put the book down by the empty coffee cup.
“Hmm,” Kevin said throwing the game boy on the ground as it read: game over, “didn’t know Terra sleeps.”
“Everyone sleeps.”
“Yah she doesn’t seem the type ta just fall asleep in front of other people.” Kevin said picking the game boy and turning it off. Conner sat in a blood-red chair.
“Ya know,” said Conner staring at Terra, “she looks really peaceful when she’s not yelling.”
“Yah. She hasn’t really changed.”
“Whad do you mean?”
“Well,” Kevin said, “Terra and I met ‘bout a year ago. She was new ta the high school an’ we went out for a couple of months.” Conner started laughing. “It’s true. After a while, we decided ta just be friends. So here we are.”
“With ugly colored chairs.” Said Conner. Kevin smiled and realized that he taught Conner the joys of being a pyro-maniac. So he turned the blood-red chair into a violet one, “Cool.”

***End Chapter One***
So...is it ok? I think it can use some helpful critisim.*laughing nervously*

Posted By: Magus Mar 21, 2005 - 04:21 pm

So, Kristiner, is this the stoy from your furry book?



I can't read it now as I've got 2 1/2 chapters to read tonight in The Great Gatsby. But I will tomorrow, along with another I'm doing.

But, one suggestion might be to put spaces between each paragraph. It makes reading it much easier. But I'll be sure to read this tomorrow.

Posted By: Princess of fire Mar 23, 2005 - 03:03 pm

yes...gess i didn't remember that part


oh...yah...it is from my furry book

tell me what you thinkwhen you see this. K?

Posted By: Magus Mar 23, 2005 - 03:22 pm

I've been busy, I had to study for a Chemistry test Yesterday, my Spnish Speaking Exam and I had my Algebra II Quarter Exam, as well as having to do a huge Health assignment too. Tonight I study for my Health Quarter Exam and am writing up extra credit to bring up my English grade, as my teacher dropped it by 20 points because I said something on an assignment that she didn't agree with.

But I'm printing i out now so I can do this the same as I did "Dreamworld", read it when I get the chance throughout the day. I should have this done by tomorrow.

***Print***

Posted By: Magus Mar 25, 2005 - 08:46 am

I've been moster busy this week. I'll get it to you either today or tomorrow, but most likely today.

Posted By: Magus Mar 26, 2005 - 06:09 am

O.K. I finished most of the story yesterday and finished the rest today. So here's my two cents worth on everything:

I really liked it. The story seems good and the characters seem equally so. But I think, especially at the beginning, you could describe your characters and the setting a little better. It would help flesh out your story, just add a little here and there to get a better effect overall.

I'm not a fan of your paragraph formatting, especially at the beginning. Your ideas run together and get jarbled up in the rush. You can seperate them for clearer narratation. There's a topic here that might interest you with this issue. I always think of it this way, start a new idea start a new idea.

I also find that sometimes your sentences tend to stray into the area of too long. This hurts the narroration as it displaces and lessens the emphasis of any given statement or narratory remark. Some parts are unneeded while other could be seperated and modified as another sentence. You should decide how that works out.

So with the goo on him he'd be willing to get it off by smashing in his face with maces, swords and the like? I honestly don't think that a person would do that. It just doesn't sit well with me, and then goes a little bit overboard when he tries a flamethrower, which would bring his face into ruins and likely his life to an end.

And then he went so far as to attack her with a crossbow? He couldn't hate her that much, could he? Maybe she could prove it to him another way. And, besides, crossbows are difficult to load and fire, I doubt he could do it on his first try with such ease.

And here are just a few little things I collected:

When you show a person's thoughts you should make it a new paragraph and, preferably, put it in italics to help differentiate that from normal text.

You have some slight grammatical and spelling errors throughout the piece. For example; "pored" should be "poured", "no were" should be "nowhere" and "bond fire" should be "bonfire".

At first the goo on his face was described as gold. Then, later on, you describe it as silver.

Crossbows fire bolts, not arrows. Bows fire arrows.

It would be more convienient if you seperated you sections within paragraphs in more obvious ways. It's easiest to either number them off "1,2,3"/"I, II, III" or use "* * * *".

And coffee cools her down? Would that be iced coffee?

Overall I must say that I really liked it and that you did a fantastic job. It could use another revision or two to work out some of what was mentioned above, but other then that it's fine. I'm anxious to read more, maybe out of the furry book itself.

Posted By: Magus Apr 04, 2005 - 04:37 pm

Come Kristiner! Read! I know that you didn't get to it before, now you have no excuse.

MUWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

And post your second chapter too. I want to read it! And I would have too, if you had brought your wooden book along with your furry books.

Posted By: Princess of fire Apr 05, 2005 - 05:49 pm

alice trousse had something to say but she forgot...it had something to do with THE PRINCE OF THE FLAME

Posted By: Magus Apr 05, 2005 - 05:53 pm

You yelled at me on AIM for this???



Could it have something to do with The King of the Flame? Or maybe with The Untitled? Does it concern Tom?

Posted By: Princess of fire Apr 05, 2005 - 05:58 pm

NO... it has ta do with... tee hee hee o yes...alice trousse remembers now./..


it was conserning the fact that the prince of the flame was not propperly spaced.


...and why are you so obbsessed tom lately?
was it cuz of that picture?