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Posted By: omnituton Apr 01, 2005 - 01:15 pm

Hi. I'm new here and thought that one of the best ways to get to know people was to submit a little piece I wrote as a back history for a Pbem game I was involved in a while back. I'm pretty new to writing and my hope in joining your forum is that I can get advice, criticism and general guidance on how to improve my skills and style. Therefore all comments are more than welcome and greatly appreciated (even the really critical ones - can't learn if no one points out the obvious deficiencies!). I look forward to reading some of the works I've seen here and hopefully hearing from some of you. All the best.


BACK-HISTORY

Circa 400,000 Years Ago

Finger tips entwined she leads the way, stepping barefoot in white sands by the shores of the Alcyon. Whoosh and whisper, the breath of the sea caressing the dunes and onwards to the lowland meadows, where veiled in high grasses a solitary malmluk furls its wings and calls back to the ocean. Further, she motions and smiles, but not far and cresting a sandbank she ceases to lead.

"Ceryx..." She whispers "...come sit with me".

He lingers a moment longer, still holding her hand, to survey the horizon and the last of the light. Half - night was upon them, pale, but not dark, as the lesser moon receded behind her larger sibling.

"Ceryx..." She giggles “ ... Forget the stars ... talk with me..."

Distracted, he turns and dwells on her face, then smiling

"Forget the stars?..." He laughs himself "...my future is the stars, how can 1 forget them?..."

The tenor of her face changes as she draws her gaze away and looks at the ocean.

"...Please Ceryx ... don't speak of such things ... You know 1 hate to think of you ... out there..."

Sliding knees upwards and embracing them with one arm, she rests her head and continues to watch the heaving seas.

"Ceryx ... this is our home. Why do you change the old ways? ... Can you not be happy here? ... with me? "

Finally laying himself beside her and resting on one arm, he caresses her head wishing she would look at him.

“The old ways are gone ... There are new ways now, new sciences ... we know so much, we don't have to be afraid ... our destiny is our own ... can't you see that?..."

She gives no response and he does not expect one. The argument is an old one and they have used the words before. So they sit unspeaking to the sound of the sea, broken only by the final calls of the malmluk before it takes flight. Turning his head, Ceryx observes its effortless ascent and glide back in towards the marshlands, calling to all that would listen, the Half - night had come.

Circa 200,000 Years Ago

Calgnossis - the first City, ascending the heavens and grasping the sky, the pinnacles and towers of an Empire confronting the stars. But no challenge was issued. All this had been mastered and nature was now, solely what culture would fashion. Only skeletal fingers of stretched worn out cloud snatched up from the rolling miasma below. A vain mockery of the seas that once were and mute testament that the old capital was indeed, born of the earth.

"Destiny is Ours. All hail, Artegyx, Proconsul and First Prime of the Empire"

Punctuating the silence, the ancient salutation served only to tell Artegyx himself, that he had arrived. The others were not yet come.

"...The Other...”

He corrected the error. One of their number would never again be seen in the first city and that left just him and Ogadae on the council. That idiot. A fool of the very worst kind. One who believed the accumulation of years alone was enough to eradicate his manifest stupidity.

"Why, o why wasn't he the one cut off.?”

Artegyx only half joked as he strode hastily towards the central dais at the far end of the plaza. Just this once he neglected to marvel at the giant effigy rising up from its heart. Tall and broad, the vast gray winged figure, silent as the rock from which it had been hewn millennia before, unfurled its mighty appendages. Eternally poised in flight, it sheltered one full half of the elliptical plateau. Stepping between two stylized talons Artegyx took his seat on the central dais. There was no predicting how long Ogadae would keep him waiting.

"Destiny is Ours. All Hail, Ogadae. Proconsul and Third Prime of the Empire.

Not long apparently. There was a first time for everything. The gateway Artegyx emerged from only moments before, shimmered slightly as it shifted from his chambers on Vandros to whatever palace of hedonism and debauchery Ogadae now called home. Moments later, a squat rotund form exited the gate. Taking a second to gather his bearings and swab away some of the sticky sweat that matted blubberous features, Ogadae eventually espied his counterpart on the dais and huffed his way over, as fast as his seldom used legs could manage.

"You've been informed??.. "

"Informed? ... not at all ... I just revel in the ambience of this dying world. What's your excuse?

Artegyx shot back. He couldn't help it. Ogadae brought out the worst in him. That he seemed genuinely puzzled by the question didn't help matters.

"Of course I've been informed. The destruction of the links to the Second Prime was hardly going to escape my attention. "

The fool nodded profusely and biting a thick lip, looked for an instant to be lost in his own thoughts. If 'thought' was an accurate description for whatever it was that went on in Ogadaes head. The years had often given Artegyx cause to speculate. At best he could be credited with the baser forms of calculation - a brutish propensity to realize his immediate pleasure. He was an intellectual drudge. Yet here he was - a full proconsul and element of the governing triumvirate. It beggared belief.
The question is, how are we to respond ... and respond we must. A full one third of the Empire has been lost to us.... Perhaps forever. "

Those were the facts. An Empire painstakingly created and added to since the era of Ceryx, was in danger of crumbling overnight and for the simplest of reasons. Its finest technological achievement had been compromised somehow. Artegyx feared the Empires dependence upon it could be its undoing. Ogadae looked flabbergasted. His myriad chins bouncing as he stammered out his worries.

"...b. b. but, can we not just re-establish the links? ... just ... fffix them?...”

He really was such a dolt. His understanding of the Empire went no further than his personal gratification.

"Fix them? ... How? .... Tell me that Ogadae? ... If the gates were just sabotaged, don't you think the Second Prime would have opened them already ... Hmmm? No. They've been destroyed. Utterly destroyed. All of them. He can't rebuild them. What he needs he can find only here, in this forsaken place, 70, 000 light years away ... He can't cross that distance ... Can you Ogadae?... "

There was no attempt to hide the contempt in his voice. He could not contend with both Ogadae’s ignorance and this serious state of affairs, but he needed him. What had to be done could not be done alone and that irritated Artegyx. His reliance on a dullard amplified the frustration. Ogadae was almost frantic now, his bulbous features sweating and reddening as he sought for the words.

".. b. b. but who? ... How? ... what will we do?...”

The gravity of the situation dawning on him somewhat, he seemed almost unable to support his own weight and leaned upon the dais chair for support. Artegyx found some little comfort in that at least. It was good to make the master epicurean sweat over something more than his choice of wines for once.

"Who? ... why, the clerics of course ... who else?. Finally, some of their fanatics have acted out their threat... They've always wanted to drag us back to a barbarous age …always. Now they may well have succeeded"

Artegyx had no direct evidence the Guardians of the Old Ways were involved, not yet anyway. But it made sense. The strike was a perfect blow to the Empire, too perfect to be the work of the savage races, with their tin-pot ships. The culprits had to know the critical links. More, they had to know just why the gates needed this world. Isolate us from here and we are nothing. Can do nothing. Only close confidantes of the Empire would know such a fact, and Artegyx believed they had just used it to good effect.

"There are no other options. We must secure the remaining gates ... Who knows what other attacks they have planned. That, Ogadae , will be your task. Muster what forces you require. I will deal with the clerics. All of them."

It was not a task he relished. Moving to quash an institution older than the Empire itself would not be popular. The harmony of untold ages had been breached and accommodation was no longer possible. Yet there was no easy way to tell a people their spiritual heritage had been outlawed. But it was necessary and Ogadae could not be trusted with the delicate undertaking.

"...s.s.secure the gates ... Yes ... I can do that. Secure the gates."

"And Ogadae, none but the most trusted must pass. Let no clerics or faithful within sniffing distance of a gate. That means all must be monitored, no exceptions. Be on your guard. Now go. There is no time to waste."

The jittery, muttering Ogadae remained immobile, still nodding profusely, apparently slow to associate the making of a plan with its execution. Further prompting from Artegyx was required before the startled official hoofed his way back to the gate, and was gone, leaving Artegyx alone with his thoughts in the fast dimming light. He pondered many things that silent worrisome evening, all with the fate of the Empire in mind. He considered once again, and discounted the culpability of the savage ~aces.

"They are not the instigators of this mess ... but they may well be the beneficiaries.”

Their ludicrous and lumbering space transports, so long a source of ridicule, might yet pose a threat. Isolated, the colonized worlds could be taken one by one and the Empire conquered piecemeal. Such a scenario would already be underway among the systems of the Second Prime, if news of the calamity had spread quickly enough. If the Gateways failed, younger and more vigorous races might triumph, using technologies long since abandoned by an Empire grown complacent on its own success.

“Those fools!!! crazy Fanatics! We've been undone by our own people.”

The clerics he could punish but Artegyx found little solace in the prospect. As the last light deserted the silent plaza, he found himself regarding once more the great winged sculpture he'd know all his life. Impressive though it was, the hook beaked monolith and symbol of the Empire bore no more life than the marshland avian it resembled. A malmluk call had not been heard on the homeworld for over a hundred generations. Artegyx dared not wonder if the Empire had as many generations left in it.

Posted By: Bmat Apr 01, 2005 - 04:12 pm

Ceryx still holding her hand- yet we never saw him take her hand.

dwells on her face- He doesn't dwell on her face. His eyes may dwell on her face. Does smiling need a comma after?


nature was now, solely.... Perhaps- nature was now solely.

"A vain mockery etc" is not a complete sentence. It might be more effective if it were, IMO.

There are more phrases later on that might benefit by being complete sentences, but this is just my opinion.

Artegyx shot back. But what he shot back came before the statement that he shot back, and it was confusing. Although, perhaps saying Artegyx could not help uttering the rejoinder, or something along those lines, might work.


Ogadaes head- should be Ogadae's head

At best he - "he" needs to be specified.

quote needed before The question is

His arrogance and disgust with Ogadae makes him seem an unlikeable character. The reader doesn't have enough information yet to feel that he is in the right.

So far the reason for and extent of the damage are conjecture. Without proof, Artegyx seems to be mainly highly strung and too quick to jump to conclusions.

If he considers Ogadae a bumbling idiot, I am surprised that he relies on him to do something so important as to secure the remaining gates. One would think that there would be a trusted assistant.


Further prompting from Artegyx was required before the startled official hoofed his way back to the gate - this should be rewritten into active voice.

savage ~aces. - ?

the colonized worlds could be taken one by one and the Empire conquered piecemeal. Such ..-- should be active instead of passive

The clerics he could punish but Artegyx found little solace in the prospect. awkward, how about Aregyx could punish the clerics, but he found little solace in the prospect.

In general, this is well-written. It draws the reader in, and the world is believable. The protagonist is less believable since he seems arrogant and jumping too soon to his conclusion. That it is as he believes is a possibility, and the gates should be secured, although a bumbling person seems the wrong one to assign to this important task. I don't feel sympathetic toward Aregyx.

But I find the world enchanting and the brief glimpse that we have of the city and universe intriguing.

Posted By: omnituton Apr 02, 2005 - 01:04 am

All criticisms appreciated and accepted - though I see no reason why we should have to see ceryx take her hand prior to my passing on the information that he is doing so!!

Yep, I have a definite difficulty with sentence construction..and tend to try to solve the difficulty by sticking commas in here and there. Need to work on that one. The Problem is that I write as if the words are been spoken - not written. Certainly that needs work.

As for savage ~aces...Hmmm...should have been races. I uploaded the text via my scanner and looks like this one misconversion passed me by.

I'll accept your reading of Artegyx but add that given the context of the piece (pbem post)I had to get my story moving quickly. A jump of 200,000 years in a paragraph is quite a bit I'm sure you'll agree. Given that the piece is written from his perspective I think that the reader may have every reason to give his opinion the benefit of the doubt. Even so, your reading of Artegyx is more or less spot on - he is too quick to judgment and more than a little arrogant. This piece never progressed further than this due to a sudden turn in the Pbem game (thats the risk you take with these games!). The plan was to show how an ancient and powerful empire had been destroyed and had left only a few scattered examples of their jumpgate technology behind. This as such was my brief. If it had progressed further then what we would have seen was how Ogadae had in fact sabotaged the gates and manipulated the situation to gain power. Basically, lose 1 third of the empire to gain control of two thirds and get rid of the remaining proconsul. As for Artegyx putting his trust in Ogadae - he really has no choice. Like him or loathe him Ogadae already has control of one third of the empire!.

Still, this is neither here nor there. Your criticisms are much appreciated. Certainly I'm sloppy and will reamin so unless people like your self point it out to me. Thanks Bmat!!

Posted By: Bmat Apr 02, 2005 - 05:22 am

You are welcome! Thank you for telling me more about the story.

My comments should always be taken as comments from one person only. Someone else could feel just the opposite. When my smooth reading of a story is interrupted, I write it down for the author of the work to ignore if he or she wishes.

I think that you have an intriguing story going on here. I did not notice much by way of sentence construction trouble. Frequently I'll recommend that a writer work on condensing the story, but I did not notice any such need in your story. There were so few grammar and punctuation and sentence structure problems that I was able to concentrate mainly on the story. Something else that I would like to mention is that you have presented the story at this site in such a way that it is easy to read here, and it is appreciated.

Having read your story, I see that you are a talented writer. I encourage you to continue the fine job of writing that you have demonstated here.

Posted By: omnituton Apr 02, 2005 - 06:53 am

*blush*
Thanks for the encouragement! and I'm glad you found some aspects of the piece intriguing. As I said before I'm new to writing and my aim is to improve and I am willing to take all input on that score. My ego isn't all that fragile so feel free and I shall always take it in the spirit it was offered!. Thanks again.