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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Discussion: Suggestions and Ideas:
Need some opinions/suggestions on my story...
Need some opinions/suggestions on my story...
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Well, this story (Vagrant Fantasy) has been in progress for maybe about a year or two, and is just getting written on paper. The idea for the plot has been constructing itself inside my head for maybe three years, and I've been told by several people who have read the first chapter that the story has publishing potential.
Well you see, Sorg Trife (main character) has been a student at Cross (military training academy that teaches many different types of martial arts, weaponry, magic, psychics, etc.) for eleven years and is now sixteen years old. He has been tested his whole life for the day when he would qualify for STUM (Specially Trained Underground Military), and now that day has finally come.
During the first chapter, Sorg, Xenan Guncloud (Sorg's best friend; also a first-time qualifier for STUM) and the rest of the qualifiers encounter their first real STUM mission. They were to find and kill a fierce human-like creature that had dug its way into a Royal tomb and murdered two Cross officers who were sent to investigate. This would be the final qualification test that would determine their status in STUM ranking if the mission was passed.
(This occurs in the third chapter)--
The next day, while they were searching for the creature inside of the tomb, they were ambushed. The pale-skinned, clothless creature attacked them brutally, and by luck, they were able to escape. Xenan had been severely injured, and it seemed as though he was in a state of autism. For 24 hours he never did so much as blink an eye.
--(I'm out of time; I'll post the rest of the plot later. Trust me, it gets a lot more interesting...)--
Sounds like you have a good start there, so I'll just move right along to the questioning!
1. You mention military groups "Cross" and "STUM". Why were these groups necessary? Perhaps there's some event in the past (war, perhaps, or invasion of these humanoid creatures you speak of) that caused need for such organizations?
2. You also mention magic, phychics, and things like that. Although you can simply say abilities like that are natural to everyone, I pesonally find that origins for such abilities explained in the story make the plot much more interesting. Is there an origin of them?
That's all I can think of at the moment. Keep up the good work!
Well, the reason these organizations were necessary is because:
1. Every independent nation has some sort of military; therefore there are five Cross's put into different locations of the Bega continent. This Cross to which Sorg and the others are enrolled happens to be located in the Eastland region, fairly close to the mountanious regions of the Midland. The purpose of these academies is to train students for the Bega military. Only select few are chosen to be members of STUM.
And about the magic and psychics and things like that, yes...they do have origins. Before technology was invented and the Earth became civilized, there was a race called Serra. The Serra came from a dimension that is completely different from the one in which Sorg exists. You see, the Serra was a race that find a planet, migrate in, settle the planet, and then move on.
Since their dimension had been sapped of agriculture, they came to this dimension in hope of starting a new beginning, and a new life. This was the race from which those certain qualities originated. Eventually the Serra came to the planet which we know today as Earth, and discovered that it was inhabited with "humans". Well, nature set its' course, and the Serra were inevitably bred. Most of the excess Serra were killed in early times due to accusations of witchcraft and things of that sort. So, Serran blood was inserted within the human bloodline, and over the years, forgotten.
--(If there are any more questions you need me to answer, just ask)--
Sounds good!
So if every nation has its own division of Cross, why is STUM necessary? I take it that it's seperate from the Bega Military, and is an elite ops of sorts... so what exactly does STUM do?
You were correct; it is an elite ops, and is seperate from the Bega Military in some ways. STUM is basically a force that is divided into seperate teams, and sent on specially assigned missions. Take the situation with the Royal tomb for example...you know, things like that. However, most of the time the missions are not so easy as just finding an unusual creature to kill it. Usually, the missions are a lot harder. This particular mission was given to the new qualifiers for the simple reason that they were newbies.
I've posted the first chapter to Vagrant Fantasy in the Short Scifi/Fantasy Story section of Writer's Showcase. Feel free to read it, and give me any opinions or suggestions that you think might make it structure better, and flow better. I've sone a lot of editing, however I'm still wide open to any suggestions.
Posted By:  manji May 12, 2004 - 06:23 pm |       | I like it.
(This might be a long post)
Well, since I promised that I would post the rest of the plot that I have come up with thus far, I think I'll do that now.
Xenan was transported back to Eastland Bega Cross, along with the rest of the qualifiers. Sorg would now and then try to hold back his tears; it was painful to see his best friend go through something like this. IMPORTANT ABOUT XENAN -- It is made clear in the second chapter that he is unable to remember anything from his early childhood until after he encounters the Acidane creature in the tomb.
Well, eventually, Xenan recovered...but he did not seem like himself. Every time Sorg tried to invite him over to his dormitory to hang out or spend the night, Xenan would always turn the offer down, saying that he had other things to do. Every time Sorg tried to come over to Xenan's dorm to visit, Xenan would not be there.
Xenan was often very studious in his classwork, but during class Sorg observed that Xenan would not even do his assignments. Instead, he would type rapidly on a small lap-top, looking to be very occupied with something else.
One day while roaming the inside of the campus, Sorg found Xenan inside Cross's library. Feeling doubtful of any conversation, Sorg decided to walk over and try to talk to him, but Xenan only told him to go away; that he wanted this time to himself.
Ok, guys...I know this much of the plot, and by now it should be clear to you that there is something strange about Xenan. Well if you want the truth, I'll quote it for you from the story in which there is a scene where Sorg and Xenan talk for a final time in the midst of Xenan's numerous victims. (Run-on sentence, I know.) So, here goes:
As if he were possessed by something, Xenan lunged a hand forward at that which he used to so gently caress. Sorg could only watch in terror as Rayna was thrown hard against the white, marble wall by the unseen force that Xenan had released.
Still on his hands and knees, Sorg let his eyes fix on the ground so that he would not have to see the blood spill from Rayna's mouth as she landed hard on the shiny, polished floor. To Sorg's displeasure, there was no way to drown out her loud cries of pain.
Sorg pictured in his mind the tears that were now flowing down Rayna's face, and his anger began to build. Xenan did not deserve those tears.
With eyes still fixed on the ground, Sorg began to explode with whatever came to mind.
"Xenan!! Talk to me!! What this for!? What the hell is wrong with you!!?"
Sorg lifted his head up, and began to run as fast as he could in Xenan's direction. The fall that he had taken earlier was still bothering him, but that was the least on his mind. Xenan had done enough already to deserve to be killed. This was the first thought that came to Sorg's mind, so it was put into action.
Xenan had not turned around to face Sorg yet, despite the loud 'thud' that his boots would make as he trodded across the marble floor. Within close range of his enemy, Sorg prepared to make a move the would possibly cost him his life. Fighting the remnants of emotions inside of his mind that were telling him to spare his best friend Sorg made a hard lunge towards Xenan, only to find himself on the ground in an instant that was faster than thought. Seconds later, Sorg rolled over on his back to find Xenan standing about three yards away, peering at him through his silver bangs.
Xenan brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Hmph... You're all a bunch of dirty little murderers."
Sorg paused in thought. "Us, Xenan? The murderers!?"
"Bastard!!", Xenan shouted angrily as an unseen force hit Sorg across his face, spilling a few drops of blood on the floor. "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CALLED A MONSTER!?"
"A monster?", Sorg said, shifting his sight back on Xenan, and standing up.
"You remember the creature that we were sent to kill, right?" Xenan asked.
"Yes..." Sorg replied.
"Thirty years ago, a research team from a Metropolis on the north side of this continent called Belethe started a project called the "Recreation" project...", Xenan began.
--(Sorry, outta time, guys! I'll come back and post the rest later!!)
| Posted By: Raza Dec 29, 2004 - 09:43 pm | | Sounds like Seed from ff8
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