Speculative Vision

You don't need to change the 'long face' bit at all. It means exactly what you think, of course, but in England there's an uber-famous groaner that goes... "A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?", asks the barman." It's an adaptation of a classic joke that has now ruined the long face descri...

Wow, no matter how much cleaning you do, there's always another tarnished spot to polish. I'm sure Steely-boy would agree! It's just never good enough for you huh, Bmat? - It's always moan, moan, moan, error, error, error! Only joking 8) . I really, really appreciate every moment of time and your sh...

Think this is a great idea!

You seem to be trying to build tension and make the piece pacy by using short sentences. It's a literary tool alright, but it doesn't seem to be working in this case. This is possibly because you are over-using it as an aide? This can make your reader tired, rendering the tension powerless. Advice? ...

A veritable trove of feedback.

I have nothing to add.

Thanks again to everyone for their help with this: *** Kaput ‘…those who really control and order their thoughts are but a small minority… …most of the world still lives by imagination and passion’ -H.G. Wells The First of War It must’ve been one street-shaker of a party because Dot-dot-dot had faze...

Hi My prologue and first chapter feel just about finished now, so I'm going to post them here for people to read and hopefully enjoy. Hope I'm not cluttering the forum by posting in two areas, but I get the feeling that there is limited cross-over from this board and the Critique one (and also, from...

Thanks so much Bmat - going to work on it now!

Interesting. You indeed have a good imagination, and you're building a solid, intriguing story here. You're talents seems to lie with your handling of conversation, and while you seem to cope well with the shorter descriptive paragraphs, you seem to fall down on the longer descriptive sections. I'm ...

Sorry. I never mean to be intentionally argumentative or annoying, I just can't help challenging ideas that won't fit inside my head. It feels like a square peg is being forced into a round hole inside my thought processes, and every logical part of me screams, "No! This is not true!" As a child I n...

Ignore my post. Argumentative.

As a lover of controversy, and being one of the most cynical people you'll ever meet, I reckon I'll throw a few stones into this and see what happens. Don't get me wrong- you might find me annoying, but I'm not being annoying for annoyances sake, I'm simply built that way. I'm a bit annoying. I love...