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Is this good?

Postby NeoScribe » Sat Jul 01, 2006 10:53 pm

Hi folks! I'm new so I want to see what you guys think of this storyline I thought up after I took a break from my GE big one.

Okay here goes: 500 years ago, a dark army invaded the continent of Hysway and threatened to destroy all life. The combined might of all the kingdoms armies were simply no match for this unkown enemy. But when all hope seemed lost, 24 warriors later known as the Knight Masters came foward with amazing capabilities and mysterious powers and turned the tide of the war. However, the wizard who gave them their powers turned out to be a corrupt warlock who had engineered the whole conflict to conceal his plans for domination. The Knight Masters confronted the wizard and a horrific battle ensewde between the two powers. In the end the Knight Masters were victourious but at the cost of their own lives and peace was returned to the land...
But that doesnt matter half a century to later. (a renneciance-like era) The kingdoms of Lakewood and Redstones are at war with each other. Both are equally corrupt but a Lakewooder named Matthew has decided to become a soldier to help end the war. But before he enlists, his father (already at the front lines) sends him a mysterious stone thats supposedly a good luck charm. But right after the mail comes a small squad of soldiers come to "protect" the village. After Matthew makes some snide remarks and subsequently knocks out a soldier, they chase him into the woods and attempt to kill him. But suddenly the stone pops out of Matt's pocket and out pops...
Thaddeus Dex Ducis - leader of the Knight Masters.
Well... If you want more of the story ask please. Tell me what you like/don't like. Say cheese if you want me to post the prologue. Thanks people!
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Postby Dead_Technology » Sat Jul 01, 2006 11:11 pm

Not trying to be snotty, but a question such as "Is this good" may not be the best one when seeking advice. You could have writers relatively new to the craft or not as skilled say yes, but maybe veteran writers think it's juvenile. A more specific question would be better.

As far as the story goes I personally think it sounds like a rough overview of a more in depth work, like someone asked you what a movie was about and you summarized. Spell check was under utilized 'ensewed' is actually ensued, I believe. Things like "a horrific battle" could be cut out and expanded with a more in depth description of the battle. Same goes for (a renaissance like era), also using "a renaissance era" implies your world and it's inhabitants have some knowledge of our history, but your continents go by unusual names and there are wizards, which doesn't quite make sense to me. I think, although I'm not sure, that starting sentences with "but" is frowned upon. "but right after the mail comes" again summarizing.

Many of the problems could be easily fixed by additional read throughs and spell check, also the lack of description could be fixed by putting yourself in a new mindset. It's your story so you know how everything looks and sounds and you know that when you say "horrific battle" you mean twenty four soldiers fought the wizard and his evil spells, enduring blasts of fire, and eventually drawn and quartered him. It would be good to take what you have and re read it to someone else and have them tell you what they don't understand or what they have trouble visualizing and then re write so that it is easier to form a mental picture. Hope I didn't offend. Also welcome to this wonderful forum, although no one is barred from posting work for showcase or critiquing the senior members will inform you that they would prefer you also try and take an active part in the many discussions on the board.
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Postby NeoScribe » Sat Jul 01, 2006 11:21 pm

This thing has a spell check :shock: ? Shoot, I should have checked that before. Yeah, it was a rough review of basically the beginning of the story. Renaissance era was supposed to mean that their culture and architecture were a parallel to our historical era. And I guess I should have mentioned that the stupid wizard morphed into a dragon when he foughtthe Knight Masters. Oops again! Did that clear things up?
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Postby Grand Evander » Sun Jul 02, 2006 12:38 am

To first address one of the comments by Dead_Technology, beginning a sentence with "but" or "and" is usually frowned upon, though rules will be rules and can be broken.

I think it's important, when asking for advice on an idea, to try to give a more detailed description of the mechanics of the story (unless the idea is only this developed). For instance, why does the Knight Master pop out of the stone? Is he imprisoned? Why did the wizard empower the Knight Masters, especially to the extent that they could ultimately challenge him? He did it for world domination, I understand, but how did creating the Knight Masters, who ended the war, help his plans for world domination if they did it unwittingly?

Are the events of fifty years ago given only to give background to the Knight Masters, or are the sins of the past going to come to the forefront in a more salient manner?

Every idea has potential, to tell the honest truth. It's your specific construction of a concept, and then its execution, that determines the quality of your story. This story does have potential, though the overview is presented as somewhat disjointed. Why do we move from a major overview of an epic war and the Knight Masters (assuming we don't follow their POV initially) to a boy who plans to become a soldier in a smaller intracontinental war? What's the significance of this person in the grand scheme of what's still to come?

I hope thinking about these questions will provide some direction.
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Postby NeoScribe » Sun Jul 02, 2006 3:49 am

You asked some questions that I didn't even ask myself. Luckily I was thinking as I read your post and came up with answers that make sense to the plot. Just to clear thing up, the 500 year ago conflict will play an important role later on. When the wizard (He's never given a name) gave the Knight Master's their powers, he: A) Had not counted on them to discover his plot, and B) Had not considered that their combine strength to defeat him (They had origonally been planed to be puppets to control the land while the populas rallied under them as champions) and he had not thought they would all survive anyways.

Anyways, now that the begining is taken care of - After fighting of the soldiers, Thaddues is confronted by Dias Luminarium, Karla Varme, and Omar Ferrum, all his fellow Knight Masters. Its revealed between them that the legends left out a detail in their story. Before the wizard died, he uttered a curse that traped the KMs in stones, they would be unable to leave their earthen prisons until summoned directly by someone (Thaddeus' stone interperated Matthews cry for aid as a summon.), once summoned, the Knight Master was forced to protect and obey who ever called them fowarth. Its then revealed that the summoner of the other three Knight Masters is the king of Lakewood and he plans to bring all the Knight Masters under his control (for obvious reasons) and to do this he must kill any who already have the alliegence of a Knight Master. Against their will, the other Knight Masters are forced to try and kill Matthew, but are stopped by Thaddues and the Knight Master Gil Hibiki (who's stone was under Matthew's foot in the forest the whole time!) and the trio flee. Thaddeus convinces Matthew to let them seek out the remaining stones before the king gets them (they seem to be able to sense their own kind) and also plan to rescue their comrades who are spellbound to the king. Matthew agrees on the condition that the Knight Masters teach him how to fight better and that they help him win the war which has taken an unexpected turn with the resent appearence of strane beings and a cloaked figure that Thaddues and Gil immediatly suspect of being the wizard. Seeing as how several stones are along the front lines and even beyond the border this fits into their plans anyways.
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Postby Bmat » Sun Jul 02, 2006 7:04 am

I think that if NeoScribe just wants to know if anyone else likes the general idea, that the posted summary is fine. The answer from me is that I do like the idea. I especially like the idea that the wizard engineered the war and then sent the victors. This could be brought out toward the end of the story to surprise and amaze the reader.

I urge development of the characters and their motivations.
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Postby Grand Evander » Sun Jul 02, 2006 10:52 am

I agree with you Bmat. Perhaps the Knight Masters have no recollection of what happened to them, and when they go to see the wizard (for guidance or something), this becomes a revelation for the leader of the Masters. The idea does pique my interest. I just felt that asking (and being able to answer) some of these questions now will give a better understanding of the story for both the writer and reader.

I'm sorry if I seemed so critical. For me, I need a fairly firm grasp of the story's premise to be able to judge whether or not I like it.
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Postby NeoScribe » Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:23 pm

Coming up with motives was harder than finding their last names. The war that took place 500 years ago only appears in the prologue and in various flashbacks to establish where each character came from. Thaddues and Dias became Knight Masters after locating the wizard under orders from their king. They were desperate to turn the tide of the war and embarked on the quest even though the weren't sure the old guy would help them. They met Gil along the way and then after locating the wizard, went to find 21 others he wanted to give special powers to. Thaddeus complained that his power was just an increase in the abilities all 24 got. Each warrior they encountered joined for various reasons that could be boiled down to Duty, Vengeance, Survival, Boredom. Skip to the present day, The Knight Masters under Matthew are fueled to save the only ones who they are familiar with and return order to a world they thought they had saved. Matthew is fueled more by his anger and mistrust of the government. The Knight Masters under the king are forced to fight but are actively looking for loopholes in the orders they are given.
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Postby NeoScribe » Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:48 pm

Someone mentioned they wanted to see the personalies of the char.'s so here thet are:

Thaddeus Dex Ducis - A former general in the allied armies in the war 500 years ago. He is a brilliant tactician and master of logistics. He has a serious nature but a good sense of humor and understanding for his troops. His poweres are simply an extension of his strength, speed, intelligence, and durability.
Gil Hibiki - A quiet man with a brooding personality. He is from a northern country and is considered the perfect example of a good warrior, well diciplined and protective. He can unleash a sonic boom whenever he swings his weapon or arm downwards with enough force.
Dias Lunimarium - Same background as Thaddeus, but more laidback in nature. Although he is a leader figure, he spends more time with the soldiers than planning stratagies. He enjoys puzzles and riddles in his spare time. His power is the ability to shoot and manipulate light beams as well as glow in the dark.
Karla Varme - a no-nonsense woman with a sharp tongue. Has a tendency to poin out the obvious. Her hard attitude belies a kind heart. She can shoot fire from her hands and ride on a wave of flames.
Omar Kniv - a deset nomad who joined the Knight Masters to test his abilities. He is a gruff person but has a good laugh at any joke, his patience knows no bounds. He can make blades appear out of his wrist, elbows, and feet.
Matthew - young would-be-soldier with an attitude problem and anger issues. He is distrustful of authority figures, but truly desires to see his people happy. What he lacks in real skill we makes up for in determination.
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Postby Spiderkeg » Tue Jul 11, 2006 7:16 am

If this Warlock, who is apparently evil with his own agenda, gave the Knight Masters their powers than how is it that the Knight Masters can overpower him? Couldn't this Warlock just retract the powers of which he bestowed upon the Knight Masters?

If Matthew wants to be a soldier, like his father, than why would he make a snide remark and hit a soldier? I can only assume that the armed force which comes to "protect" Lakewood is of the same army he wants to enlist with. Normally people who want to be part of a group do not mock members of that group.
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Postby Grand Evander » Tue Jul 11, 2006 8:07 am

In all fairness, just because the warlock gave the KM's their powers doesn't necessarily mean he can take them back. Sometimes what's done cannot be undone. It depends upon the story and how the magic there works. What I don't understand is why the warlock would give the KM's enough power to be able to successfully challenge him on their own (similar to your concern, Spiderkeg). From what I understand, the warlock had created the KM's as his own henchman to help him seize control in the power vacuum that would have resulted from the devastation and politically destabilizing effects of the war.

I hadn't noticed your concerns about Matthew when I first read the idea, Spiderkeg. You raise a very good point there.
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Postby aldan » Tue Jul 11, 2006 2:03 pm

Well, I suppose that you could say that the Wizard had intelligence, but lacked in wisdom... in that he chose people to potentially be his henchmen that were not of a similar mindset to him. I understand that the Wizard wasn't even considering that the Knights could defeat him with the combined might he'd given them (that's actually fairly normal in literature, where the Bad Guy thinks only in terms of individuals and not of groups working together, usually because he's not so good at that), so him overlooking that (to an extent) can be understandable. One important thing to keep in mind, though, is that Bad Guys tend to be more than slightly paranoid, so that they are constantly trying to protect and watch their own backs, so you may want to work on the Wizard's personality a bit, so that you can create a character rather than a pin-up. Of course, I understand that this is simply an overview, so if you already have him fleshed out, then great!

Oh, one more thing... you may want to avoid doing the prologue thing with the story of the Wizard. Perhaps, instead, you could bring it forth DURING the story. The reason I suggest this is because prologues tend to just be a force-feed of info, normally, and so there won't be as much surprise inherent in the actual telling of the rest of the story. If, instead, you have a bard/storyteller give the story directly to the Main Character (Matthew) near the beginning of the story, then you can easily bring that back if you need to refresh the reader's memory about something in that event. What I mean is that you can do something similar to what Tolkein did... give it in the form of a story, and then have the characters talk about the story from time to time to bring it back up.

Well, enough of that. Good luck!
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