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Just another sword and sorcery story.

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Just another sword and sorcery story.

Postby wizardahz » Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:50 am

Portal to Verin-ci-al.

It was during the time of the deamon wars.
When Sorcerer Kings ruled the world.

On the deserted plains of Helfor a horrendous battle took place.
Millions of thralls, slave and the undead demonic creations of
the sorcerer kings died and were consumed for their energy to
summon the very ground beneath their feet into two huge sandstorms.

The sandstorms marched across the plains consuming all in their wake.

THEN THEY COLLIDED

Time stood still.
Where there was the rush of wailing winds, there was a sudden silence.

An energy vortex opened between the motionless storms.

A strange kind of peace developed in the world
as the sorcerer king devoted their wills toward
solving the secret of the vortex.

The rest of the world waited in dread,
knowing what was to come
would be worse than anything
they had suffered before

It would Be 20 years before the first of the Verin (as they called themselves), came thought the vortex.
They were ethereal beings who floated just of the ground
and cast rays of light that would strike down
the deamonic hordes of the sorcerer kings.

They were first thought to be saviors as they fought against the sorcerer kings.

Then rumors began to circulate about they new arrivals.
Terrible stories about strange rituals and sacrifices.

To Be Continued ?


So that's the opening what do you think? Yea or Nay?

This story goes with the artwork of the same name that I posted today.

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Postby RHFay » Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:22 am

Hi wizardahz!

Is this the actual beginning of your story, or just your story pitch? It sounds too much like the blurb on the back of the book jacket. It seems too general, too broad, and too choppy to be the beginning of a story.

Also, this:
It was during the time of the deamon wars.
When Sorcerer Kings ruled the world.


should be one sentence, something like this:

It was during the time of the deamon wars, when Sorcerer Kings ruled the world.

I personally dislike one-sentence paragraphs. I think most paragraphs should have more than one sentence. This is where the broad and choppy aspects are to be found; perhaps you could expand that thought into a full paragraph.

The same would go for this:
The sandstorms marched across the plains consuming all in their wake.


And this:
An energy vortex opened between the motionless storms.


And this:
They were first thought to be saviors as they fought against the sorcerer kings.


I think you should either combine some of these thoughts together to form paragraphs, or expand each thought into a paragraph. The number of one-sentence paragraphs makes it seem like a pitch for an idea, or the blurb on the back of a book jacket, not the start of a full story.

Others may disagree, but that's how I was taught how to write. Words make sentences, sentences make paragraphs, paragraphs make scenes, scenes make stories.

As for the content, it does sound intriguing, even though you seem to shove an awful lot in a little space. Work it out more as a story instead of a "sales pitch", and you may have something good there.

Cheers!
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Postby clknaps » Sat Jul 28, 2007 6:48 am

I'm having trouble picturing a motionless storm. But otherwise it sounds like a great idea for a story, go for it!

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Postby aldan » Sat Jul 28, 2007 8:57 pm

This is just my impression, but when he said 'motionless storms', I pictured storms that were moving, but were rotating around the vortex he mentioned, and all of that was is one relatively motionless spot, meaning that the winds weren't causing it to move West to East, or whatever.
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to open it and remove all doubt."
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Storms

Postby wizardahz » Sat Jul 28, 2007 9:13 pm

That's the idea that then storms were still in motion but stuck around the vortex . as to what it looks like check the artwork of the same name .


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Postby Spiderkeg » Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:22 am

So these storms orbit the vortex, never ceasing, yes?
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Postby wizardahz » Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:59 am

Yes they do they are generated by magic and that's why they don't dissipate their energy
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