Unholy Half-Elven

Share your genre short stories with our readers and get feedback on your work.

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Jack Sarratt
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Unholy Half-Elven

Post by Jack Sarratt »

Yeah, this is a story I've been writing for about a month. I'm new but I think you guys might like this one. I'll send it in small sections. It's sort of long.
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Raven Domon, a young man living at the edge of the village of Isa, has been plagued by dreams of black wings bathed in a golden light. All his life he has been shunned because he is a half-elf and he cannot sense magical energies. Now he senses something else, a presence emanating from the village's ancient ruins. To find this other he decides to search the ruins, even though it is rumored to be haunted...
People say to not judge a book by its cover, but first make sure you picked the right title.

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Jack Sarratt
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Unholy Half-Elven

Post by Jack Sarratt »

Sorry about the small posts. My next ones will be bigger. :)
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Upon arriving, he is attacked by a horde of monsters. Fighting his way to the main courtyard, he hears a sound coming from the ruined well. When Raven looked down it, he saw a set of handholds and footholds leading into the darkness. When he climbed to the bottom, he saw a small dark mass writhing in the ground. As he reached for it, it suddenly rose to form a large, black, wolf-like creature. It growled, then tried to maul him. Raven realized that in the small well he couldn't dodge the beast, so he did the only thing he could: hold his sword straight out in front of him. The monster was just leaping for his throat, when Raven held out his blade. The monster speared itself. Unlike the previous wolves, this beast didn't die. The black creature seemed to melt to the floor, then rose to mimic his form. It seemed to pulsate, then it surged forward to engulf his left arm. Raven blacked out and saw no more...
People say to not judge a book by its cover, but first make sure you picked the right title.

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Bmat
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Post by Bmat »

Is this intended to be an outline? The reason I ask is that this is the way it comes across, especially with the present tense. You do switch into past tense in the middle of the second paragraph.

It needs much more fleshing out of the story.

You say he is attacked by a horde of monsters, Then he fights his way to the courtyard. This leaves the reader with no sense of action or character. It isn't very interesting. But as part of an outline it would be fine. To fill out the outline you'll describe his actions before being attacked, what the monsters looked like, how they behaved, how the battle played out, his gradual movement to the courtyard, if the monsters are all dead or ran away or are still trying to get to him... like that.

I am curious about the black wings bathed in a golden light. Are we supposed to visualize wings without a bird (for example) between them? or just wings themselves fluttering around?

So my suggestion right now is to not switch tenses, probably you'll want to stay with past tense, and to go ahead with your outline, and when you are ready, to fill it out.

As a hook- something that catches the attention of the reader so he keeps reading- opening with an interesting battle scene should work. If this is a short story, though, you won't want to spend a lot of time on the battle with the horde of monsters- you may even want to have the battle just finished and the hero panting and sweating and bleeding and trying to calm down or escape or whatever.

HulloKitty202
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Post by HulloKitty202 »

It sounds more like a summary. First this, then that, and finally this. YOu need to link the sentences.

Its a great start though, and you might certainly be onto something.
"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present"
-Hobbes from "Calvin and Hobbes"

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