Imortal: Part 1

[Xyster]

Father Uncle

Julius felt his half brother press a bony elbow into his spine as he struggled to get a view through the small crack in door as the tussle of bodies and starched white sheets. He inhaled sharply and slapped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from cursing. Julian didn’t seem to notice as his knee slammed into Julius’s thigh. Practically stacked atop each other they peered through the crack at the slim, frail man within the bed in the dark room.

“Is he alright?” Julian pressed closer, flattening Julius to the ground in the process. They made a muffled thump as both of them crashed into the floor and lay very still, hearing the noises in the room beyond the door cease.

“Now you’ve done it.” Julius’s hissed whisper was only half-hearted. He hadn’t wanted to disturb Tori, but Julian had insisted that they spy.

There was rustling from within the room, and a murmur of voices. Julius and Julian hissed back and forth at each other as they untangled their bony limbs and scrambled for the door of the communal home. Julian banged into a low table and Julius slammed into the matching chair. Both let out curses that would have set their mother to scrubbing their mouths if she had heard them.

The sound of a striking match and the hiss of a flame were followed by a flash of sulfur as a candle was lit on the table that they boys had just run into. A large man, broad across the chest and covered in a damp sweat from the heat of the night stood above the two scrawny boys. He glared down at them with angry black eyes and reached down with his free hand to tighten the belt he wore while he held the candle above him with the other.

“Now you’ve done it you two curs. You’ve woken me from my sleep for the last time sulking about in the dark like the animals you are.” He slammed the candle and its holder down on the table with enough force to nearly snuff the flame. It flickered for a moment, sending eerie shadows dancing along the wooden walls like dark ghosts. Finally it returned to its normal yellow sputtering.

Julius grabbed Julian’s arm and dragged his brother with him as he tried to stand, only to receive a painful kick to his ribs followed by a bare foot being planted squarely in the center of his back. He grunted in pain, releasing Julian’s hand.

Julian scrambled to his feet and ducked into the darkest corner of the room, out of the immediate reach of the Torak. He ducked and cowered there, covering his head and expecting a blow to come. Torak was busy for the moment though with the squirming child he had pinned beneath his foot.

Julius swore and yelped as Torak reached down and grabbed both spindly arms in one oversized hand. He slammed them into the floor, inching his foot down Julius’s back and leaving most of his bare skin unprotected. Even as the boy squirmed under his hold, Torak reached down and unfastened the leather belt that he wore. He dropped to his knees, pinning Julius even more firmly with one knee while he made quick work of binding the boy’s hands together using his belt. He cinched it tight, not even batting an eye when Julius yelped in pain and protested.

Torak stood again, yanking the now restrained boy to his feet. He balled his right hand into a fist, wrapping the remainder of the leather belt around his knuckles. He glared angrily at Julius as he drew his left fist back, “This is what a cur like you gets for waking me.” His fist slammed into Julius’s stomach and sent him reeling, but he was kept from falling as Torak raised his fist and pulled Julius upright by his bound hands.

“Leave my brother alone!” Julian had risen in the corner, and now stood with his hands balled at his sides. He had tears in his eyes and he shook all over from fear. He’d never been a healthy boy, neither of them had, and that meant that they were sorely lacking for the strength to fight someone like Torak.

“Stay out of this runt, I’ve got some left for you still!” Torak yanked on the belt and sent Julius spinning into the table, nearly knocking it over as he went sprawling across it and into the candle. Hot wax seared his back and the smell of singed hair filled his nose. He cried out in pain and was roughly dragged off the table as the room once again plunged into darkness.

Julian let out a holler of fright from the corner, then fell silent.

“You worthless *beep*!” Torak cursed at Julius as he fumbled for the candle and the matches with one hand and shook the boy with the other. He scrambled about in the dark for several moments without luck, all the while swearing at the boy that he held bound.

A soft blue glow illuminated the room. Torak looked up from where he crouched on the floor, staring up at the slender and pale figure of Tori. The slender man held his palm out upwards, floating a glowing sphere of sky blue above it. Even in the ghostly light his eyes burned with a strong inner fire that belittled his frail body. As he stood, with only his pants pulled on the marks along torso and arms showed quite well. They looked as if someone had taken a knife and carved patterns into his skin, and the flesh around them was raised and an angry red color.

“What do you think that you are doing with my sons Torak?” Tori stared the larger man straight in the eyes, holding him on the ground by force of will. He narrowed his eyes and Torak’s grip on the belt fell lax. Julius tugged the remainder of the belt away from the larger man. He scrambled across the floor and landed in a heap behind Tori, tugging at his wrists in an attempt to pull them free.

“Those little whelps woke me again. I can’t get a decent night’s sleep with them sulking around here! I was teaching the runts a lesson.” Torak shook his head, breaking eye contact. Free of the spell, he managed to stand, towering over the Tori by at least a foot. He sneered, “You never lay a hand on them, and they won’t learn without a good beating now and then.”

“It is a parent’s duty to discipline their children, not that of overeager and over-muscled neighbors.” Tori stared up at the man while still managing to stare him down.

“It’s not natural, you and your sins sleeping in this house. If I had it my way I’d have you and all of your breed out in the mud and rain where you belong.” Torak snarled, smashing his fist down on the table and cracking it. He didn’t seem to notice though as his gaze switched to the boys, “And those beasts that you raised should be given a sound beating and sent to work on the farms. There’s no room for the weak in this world.”

Julius cringed at that, his movements stilling. Neither him nor his brother were healthy or strong, and being sent to work on the farms would be a death sentence for them. Julian wouldn’t last long at all with his weak heart, and Julius himself would soon follow.

“My sins are my concern, not yours; as are my sons. Do you understand that?” Tori hadn’t turned to Julius, but by the change in his tone it was obvious that he was no longer in a patient mood. Even without closely examining the wounds on the boy, he had begun to lose all semblance of calm with this man.

Torak sidestepped Tori and grabbed Julius by his short hair, hoisting him into the air and shaking him roughly, “Everyone in the village knows that these boys are not your sons. Their mother, your sister of flesh and blood, lives in the women’s house in this very village. She has let slip to the other women that you took them as yours so that you could bleed them of their life. Take your black magics elsewhere!” He threw Julius at Tori’s feet and growled deep in his throat, “Leave us and our women in peace cur!”

Tori’s fist closed on the sphere of light, snuffing it. He reached out and grabbed Torak with the same hand, searing his throat with the force of the dying magic. He held the man like that for some time, letting him squirm, “You may speak of me and my sins, but you will not speak of my sister and her sons in such a way. Do you understand me?”

Torak gasped and fell to his knees as Tori released him. He didn’t say another word, fleeing from the sorcerer with his pride more injured than his body. Despite the pain that he had experienced, there would be no physical mark in the morning. However, the event would be burned clearly into his mind.

When the man had slammed and barricaded his door, and the room was empty again save for Tori, Julian, and Julius, the sorcerer sank into the nearest chair and motioned to a candle on the table. It sputtered to life and sent soft light dancing about the room. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a moment to rest. Magic took so much out of his already tried body, he could not work it without much strain.

“Well, come here you two. Let me look at you.” Tori motioned to the half brothers, still not opening his eyes.

Julius stumbled to his feet and slowly moved over. He took one step at a time, dragging his feet across the wooden floor.

Julian was there before him, head buried in the man’s chest and sobbing with relief. He wrapped thin arms about a thin ribcage and allowed all of the fear to wash away. He was still sobbing when Julius finally reached the chair.

Tori finally opened his eyes and turned his head, “He got you quite well, didn’t he?” Slender, artistic hands reached for him. They took him by the wrists and began to work the belt off. As he gently tugged at the strap, he shook his head, “You two know better than to come to this place after dark looking for me. Worse yet, you were spying on me. There are things about me that I keep hidden for a good reason.”

He managed to pull the catch apart and free the belt, letting it drop to the floor. “There are things that I keep in secret and darkness and that is where they must stay. Unless you wish to bear the same title as me, it is best that you do not come unless you are bid to...do you understand?”

Tori clasped his hands over Julius’s, “I do not wish for my sister’s sons to be branded sinners as well. I do not wish for you to bear the marks on your body that I must.”

“But aren’t those mage marks? You said that all powerful mages have those markings.” Julius’s protest was only half hearted. He couldn’t meet Tori’s eyes right then, not the man that had raised them as a father for so many years now.

“No, there are many types of mage marks. Mine are known as a sinner’s brand. This is something that I do not want to ever see on either of you, do you understand? Even if you have the gift there are other ways to use it than the path that I chose.” He released Julius’s hands, running a hand through Julian’s hair before moving him to arm’s length, “Now, both of you go home and go to bed. I will see you tomorrow and not before.”

Julius nodded, as did Julian, and they turned away, towards the wooden door of the communal home. They didn’t turn to look back at him as they exited into the sultry summer night, closing the door softly behind them. And with that they were gone and headed back to the women’s home, to the room that they shared with their mother.

Tori gave himself a moment more of rest, then pushed himself to his feet and staggered back to his room. He opened the door a crack and slipped through, closing it softly behind him. Even without looking he could sense the figure sitting on the edge of his bed. She smelled faintly of lilacs and roses, if the creature that sat there could be called a she. It held the form of a woman, of the woman that Tori had loved more than life itself.

“Tori my love, who was it?” Her voice was soft, the whisper of a summer breeze. She held the sheets around her, covering her otherwise unclothed body.

“Julius and Julian. I sent them back to their mother for the night.” He responded to her dully, pulling on a thin black shirt and sitting on the bed next to this creature that he had sold himself so long ago for. He hated it now as much as he loved it, but he could never be rid of it for not only did it look like the woman that he loved, but it had once been her.

There was good reason for his branding with the sinner’s mark.

“Oh, when will I meet them Tori?” She didn’t look at him then, her eyes on the ceiling in a thoughtful expression.

“Never. You are my sin, and mine alone to bear.” He put his arm around her and forced her back to the bed, hating himself for what he was about to do, but knowing that his body would allow nothing else. The marks burned with horrible pain when he did not preform his duties fully every night.

“My sinner, and I am your sin...” The words were spoken lovingly, as if they meant everything in the world.

“Yes, you are my sin.”

*****

Julius awoke in the morning to a slanted ray of sunlight falling on his face. He rolled over, pulling his tattered blanket over his head to block out the offending sun and trying for a couple more moments of sleep.

Julian however, had already seen his movement and tugged the blanket off of him, tossing it into the corner thoughtlessly, “Get up Julius, mother’s already out working and Tori is waiting.”

Julius groaned and pulled his flat pillow over his head in his blanket’s stead, “Just a little longer. For being so sick, you have too much energy Julian.”

“I’ve been up for hours already! Breakfast is already over and if you don’t get up soon, you’ll miss lunch too.” Julian tugged on his arm with enough force to pull his older brother off of his straw mat and onto the dirt floor.

Julius swore and twisted his arm free, snapping up the nearest shirt and throwing it on. He chased his brother out of the room with his pillow, launching it at his back as he ducked out the door and under the large central table of the women’s quarters. The two women that were sitting at the table moved expertly aside as Julius followed close after his brother and a chase around the living room followed.

It was Julius that stopped out of breath before his brother, grasping at his bruised ribs. Torak had kicked him harder than he had thought, and bruised him to the bone. He pulled up the long sleeves of his shirt enough to examine the abrasions left by the belt. They had scabbed over, and appeared a mess now. His fists clenched in anger as Julian darted out the door with a laugh.

Julius rose to his feet, walking rather than running through the door. Julian had exaggerated, as the sun was barely above the horizon. His mother was working in the garden already, as were most of the other women that occupied the women’s home. Those that weren’t were inside fixing lunch for everyone or mending torn clothing.

A broad shouldered man walked past, carrying a load of wood on his shoulder. He glanced toward the garden, winking at one of the eligible girls. She responded with a shy smile, continuing to work as she did. By the look of it, there would be an empty room in the women’s house soon.

“Julius, come here for a moment.” His mother called to him from across the garden where she harvested fresh tomatoes.

Julius shoved his hands into his pockets and did as he was bade. He stopped short of where his mother kneeled, vainly hoping that she couldn’t see his bruises from that distance. He knew that it was too much to hope for when she wiped her brow and looked up, stern but caring expression on her face.

“Julius, I’ve told both of you not to go to the men’s house after curfew. They don’t like being disturbed, and spying on Tori...what were you thinking. I know that Julian was the one that wanted to go, he told me so himself, but you are the older brother and it is your responsibility to watch out for him. I don’t want you ever doing that again, do you hear me?” She handed him a tomato, wiping it on her sleeve as she passed it to him, “If your uncle hadn’t stopped Torak, you’d be much worse than you are now, and I don’t know what would have happened to your brother in his condition.”

Julius took the tomato, not taking a bite out of it. He stared at the ground, muttering a ‘yes ma’am’ and kicking at a wad of dirt. He remained that way for a time.

“Also, Tori told me this morning that the kingdom is sending envoys out again. They will arrive near dusk and spend the night here before moving on in the morning. I want you to take your brother and hide when that happens, do you understand? I’ve had some small packs made for each of you like usual, and you know where to hide.” His mother returned to what she had been doing.

Julius nodded and moved away, kicking at the pebbles in his way. He hated this place, just like he hated every other village that they had ever stayed in. Ever since both his and Julian’s fathers had died and Tori had come into their lives, they had been moving from village to village nearly every year. His mother said that it was because she was searching for a physician that could cure both him and his brother, but Tori had told them differently. According to their uncle their mother feared them being found and taken from her. With the way that she acted about the royal envoys, he was more inclined to his uncle’s story.

“Julius!” Julian launched himself from a nearby shadow and caught his brother at the knees, toppling him into a patch of vegetables. He laughed, which quickly turned into a coughing fit.

Julius caught his brother in his arms as he fell, holding him until the coughing and shaking subsided. He allowed his younger brother to rest his head on his shoulder, face more pale than usual.

“Guess I was a little too energetic, wasn’t I?” Julian smiled, staring up at the single cloud marring the otherwise perfect sky. “Brother...why are all of us like this?” He reached up one hand, covering the cloud with it and closing his fist, as if he had just captured the ethereal body. “Why are you, and Tori, and me all sick like this?”

“Tori said that it’s because the world is sick from all of the wars and deaths. He said the evil in the hearts of men tainted the soul of the world and made it sick, which sickens those that can feel it.” He brushed his half brother’s short blonde hair of his eyes, flicking him on the nose.

“Tori can use magic because he can feel the soul of the earth, right? Does that mean that we’ll be able to use magic like him too?” He opened his hand and lowered it, releasing the cloud from his grip. It drifted on lazily, not noticing the mortal trying to interfere with its path.

Julius shrugged, “Who knows? Tori said that magic can’t be taught to come, it just does when the need is great enough if it will ever come at all. I think ours would have shown up already if we were going to get it.”

Julain sighed, struggling to his feet. “I wonder if there are any doctors at the castle that could cure us...” He turned to stare up the dusty road, towards the dark woods where the royal envoys would appear before dark.

“I don’t know...and I don’t want to find out. Come on, mom packed us some lunches for a picnic. We’re going to camp in the forest tonight.” He grabbed Julian’s hand and dashed for the door of the women’s house.

Inside was still pleasantly cool, even though the sun was beating down outside with enough force to make it uncomfortable outside already. The two women at the table were still sitting there. They didn’t look up as Julius dragged Julian past and into the kitchen.

The kitchen smelled like smoking meats and boiling broth. Half a dozen young girls worked busily at preparing meals under the watchful eyes of the old widow that ran the women’s house. She looked up as the boys entered, making a disapproving squeak in her throat, “You two ruffians shouldn’t be in here, you’ll upset my girls.”

She turned around and opened a set of cupboards above her, dragging out two fairly large packs of food. She set them on the table, along with two canteens of sweet cider, “These are for you. Your mother made them this morning before the rest of us were up.”

A smile graced the wrinkled old face, “You know that woman loves you two little scamps so much, she reminds me of myself sometimes.”

Julius tried not to make a face as he imagined the widow young and as full of life as their mother. He grabbed both of the packs and shouldered them. Each contained enough for both of them to eat for three meals, lunch, dinner, and breakfast tomorrow, along with a blanket and some other odds and ends and just in case things that their mothers always packed.

“Oh no.” The widow stared out the small kitchen window at the center of the town. It was a dirt arena in between the communal house and the women’s house that also sported the inn and tavern. There was a well in the very center of the town where the women drew water for their cooking, hence the kitchen was on the same side of the women’s house. Right now as she looked out at the town center she saw the half dozen armoured men carrying the flag of the royal house. Two others rode with them, a young page and of all things an elf.

“They’re early. The envoys are early.” She grabbed the boys, one by each arm as she headed for the back door, “Quickly boys, out the back and into the forest. Hide there until they are gone. Your mother would be heartbroken if she knew that you were in danger like this.”


Torak looked up from his work in the smithy as the envoys rode past. They didn’t arrive with the usual fanfare of blaring trumpets, though the royal flag still fluttered in the faint breeze. Six men in full armour, a larger party that usual. He picked up the horseshoe that he had been working on with the tongs and doused it in the water trough with a hiss of steam before moving out to follow the party.

There were others already following and work in the small town had ground to a halt. Every man within sight of the road had ceased working to gather in the town center, as had most of the women. Even the regular patrons of the tavern were stumbling out into the hated light to see what the lack of commotion was about.

The royal envoys stopped at the well, drawing a bucket of water for their horses and to douse themselves with as they dismounted and pulled their helmets off. For several minutes they said nothing to the anxious onlookers as they tended to their immediate affairs. Finally the page, who had been riding a small dun colored pony dismounted and pulled a scroll from his belt. He coughed to clear his throat before he started, “People of the Royal Kingdom of Resiris, by decree of His Majesty, King Herich the Fifth, all towns within his borders must pay a tax in the amount of five bushels of grain, ten bushels of potatoes, five bushels of vegetables, twenty pounds of salt, two cows, four pigs, three prepared and dried deer, four young girls, one able bodied woman, two able bodied men, and two young boys. If this tax is not able to be met, the town must send a messenger with the royal envoys upon their return to plead the case to His Royal Highness, Lord of Resiris. Should a town that is able to pay withhold any amount of this tax, all people within the town will be jailed and all property and livestock seized.”

The guards had turned to the crowd at this point. They had their hands on their blades, ready to cull a riot should it occur. They appeared to have done this several times already, with unpleasant results more than once.

Torak cursed under his breath. From somewhere behind him one of the drunks voiced his opinion for everyone. “What right does the king have to take our women and children? Isn’t our tax in grain and gold every year enough?” He shook his fist angrily and was caught by a close comrade before he toppled to the ground as he lost his balance.

“There is a war brewing. The food and men are required for the battle, and the women are to be placed in a protected place so that they will not be killed or taken should the war come to your town.” One of the six armoured men, the only one with the royal symbol enameled onto his armour, stepped forwards. He stared down the villagers, as if daring them to react.

“There’s always a war going on!” The shout came from the back of the crowd, though no one turned to look at the speaker, lest they give him away. “Why should this war be any different? The king’s just getting greedy and takes our food and women to satisfy himself!”

“Who said that? Who dares insult their Lord and King?” The armoured man that had stepped forward was turning red in the face. His hand gripped his sword tightly, his knuckles turning white under the armour.

No one responded. There was only a soft muttering and shuffling of feet in the nervous crowd. True the men were large and strong from working on the farm, but they had no training in war, and no weapons or armour as the envoys had. If it came to a fight, they would be slaughtered.

Torak grunted. He pushed his way forwards. Turning to face the rest of the villagers he held his hands up. The crowd stilled, “Listen! I know that none of you wish to lose family members, and that the loss of so much food will hurt our winter stocks...”

There was a displeased mumbling in the crowd and he waited for it to quiet before speaking, “But it is only midsummer yet and we can still gather more before winter is on our doorstep. Men and boys are always being called away to war, and as for the women and girls, perhaps it is safer for them to be guarded at a time like this.”

There was another round of displeased muttering, but not so much this time. When it died down, Torak continued, “Right now it is important for us to do as we are told. We cannot afford to be jailed, or to fight the king that has protected this land for so long. It is best that we do as we are told without question.”

The guard with the enameled armour frowned, but didn’t say anything. His men appeared to relax a little as they realized that these people were not going to fight. They may hate the orders and curse them under their breath, but they were not going to start a battle that they knew that they would lose.

Torak didn’t breathe a sigh of relief when the crowd began to disperse to gather the required food items from the store and discuss the other required items out of hearing of the envoys. There would be many goodbyes and even more tears that night.

He glanced towards the women’s house, watching the widow stare out the window at the envoys. That woman would guard her little harem like a mother hen. He’d like to try and see one of the envoys try to get into that place against her will. He’d been barred by her more than once when trying to court young women, and she was a wily one.

There was a movement in the shadows behind the house. Two slim forms peeled away from the shadows and made a dash for the woods nearby. Torak could barely believe his eyes as he saw the curs trying to escape while everyone else was forced to abide the law.

He grabbed the nearest armoured man by his wrist and spun him, pointing towards the two boys, “There, those are the two boys that you want. Right there, slipping into the forest.”

The guard stared for a moment, having to squint to make out the quick forms. He raised his fingers to his mouth and let out a shrill whistle. The two boys turned their faces towards him like startled deer, then made a mad dash for the forest.

However, they were not nearly as fast at the elf upon his mount. The horse bounded across the town center and leapt the fence around the garden. It landed with each hoof between a row of vegetables and raced forwards, not upsetting one plant. The elf shot past the boys, reining in his mount between them and the forest.

They stopped, staring at him with wide eyes. Julius pushed his brother behind him, putting himself between the danger and his already breathless brother.

Torak was there then, grabbing one boy under each arm and pinning them. He turned around, dragging both of them back to the town center. The armoured men kept to their small group, and the crowd stepped back so that Torak had his own little place to stand between the two groups.

He shook both boys fiercely and they fell limp, “These are for you.”

******

Tori wiped the sweat from his brow. The other men with him were covered with sweat as well. Even in the shade of the trees there was no relief from the sweltering weather, especially for those chopping wood and moving logs.

Tori turned to a nearby tree, closing his eyes as he focused. He swayed slightly for a moment, then sat down abruptly as the tree slid from its roots, cut cleanly through by his spell. It toppled away from the workers, landing with a resounding crash and a chorus of breaking branches.

He pulled his shirt off, using it to wipe the sweat from his eyes before he tossed it over his shoulder. The other men didn’t look at him then, they avoided watching him while he worked his magics for one very good reason. No ordinary man could grow used to the seeping blood that now oozed from the markings along his torso and arms. It dripped from him like sweat, unnoticed by him since he had seen it so many times.

There was a crashing in the forest behind the workers and all of the men turned to see what it was, including Tori. The stood as another one of the men came into view, one that had taken a load of wood back to the village already. He was covered in sweat and heaving for breath as the other men gathered around him.

“What is it Jack?” One pounded him on the back in an attempt to get him breathing properly again.

Jack took a moment and held up a hand to show that he needed a minute to breathe. Finally he swallowed some air and spoke, “The envoys...they were early, and they’re demanding a tax!”

“A tax? We already paid the damned taxes!”

“How much more can the king want from us?”

“What kind of tax?”

Jack held up his hand again, indicating that he needed a little more time, “Food, meat, and people!”

Tori had heard enough. He shoved past the men, dashing down the path that the man had just come up. The other men called after him, but he didn’t slow his pace as he ran towards the town. He hit the road and sprinted to the square, stopping dead as he Julius and Julian in Torak’s grip. He yelled as he approached, not caring that he was still stripped to the waist and his sinner’s marks were still bleeding, “I thought I made it clear last night that you were not to touch my sons again Torak!”

Torak looked up and paled at the sight to Tori in full rage. The armoured men turned as well, eyes widening at the sight of a sorcerer with sinner’s marks bearing down on them. They reached for their swords, scrambling to get out of the path of any sort of magical spell that might be hurdled that way.

It was at that moment that Suara rounded the building, tears in her eyes and arms outstretched towards her boys. She stopped short, staring at the armed men and dropping to her knees as she made a motion over her body with one hand, banishing wicked spirits.

“Mother!” Julius shouted, squirming free of Torak’s grip while the man was distracted by Tori. He slammed his foot into the blacksmith’s foot and pulled Julian free of his grip as well.

Tori made a motion of his own and the dirt sprayed up at the guards’ feet, causing them to back off further. He ran towards Suara, “Sister...run! Get out of here!”

The series of shouts was not lost on the guards as they cranked the gears in their minds. A general look of disgust crossed all of their faces as they moved forwards and grabbed the boys. Julius struggled valiantly, yelling for them to let his brother go, but his strength gave out soon enough and he went limp in the grip of the one that held him. Julian had disintegrated into a coughing fit some time ago, and now shook horribly as the envoy that held him tried to calm him.

“Tori!” Julius yelled at his uncle, his voice frightened, “Tori, Julian...he’s...” He couldn’t finish as he caught sight of his brother go limp. Julian took a rattling breath, but had fainted dead away.

Tori turned, spotting the brother’s plight. He made to take a step in their direction and heard a scream from behind. As he jerked around again, he saw that Torak had a firm grip on Suara. He glared at Tori with narrowed eyes, daring him to try anything with his family held captive.

“Enough!” The voice came from behind Torak. The elf had dismounted and was carefully picking his way across the vegetable garden so that he wouldn’t disturb it. He reached Torak and gently took Suara from him, pushing the huge man back with a hand.

Torak went at that touch, as uneasy with the elf as he was with Tori. He moved back to the crowd, blending in as much as possible for a bit before slipping back to his forge to sulk. Things had gone much farther than he had thought they would have, and had been much messier as well.

The elf caught Suara as she fainted, handing her to the armoured man that rushed to his side in a clatter of metal. He continued to move forwards, stopping right in front of Tori. His green eyes remained wide and open as he stared into the depths of Tori’s cloudy grey eyes. They stood that way for several moments, as if searching each other’s souls. Finally the elf spoke, “Tori the Sinner, that is your title, is it not?”

Tori turned his head and spat on the ground, “I don’t care what you do to me, but if you lay one hand on my sister or my nephews I swear you’ll know how I got my markings.” He snarled, meeting the elf’s eyes again. They stood the same height, and about the same build, but the elf and the man could not have been more different.

“Nephews, so they are not in fact your sons, are they?” The elf didn’t flinch, didn’t even bat an eye at the threat. He continued to stare at Tori, “You have my word that I and my men will not lay a hand of aggression on your sister or her sons.”

Tori’s stance relaxed visibly. He wobbled and sank slowly to the ground, catching and lowering himself into a sitting position. He didn’t bother looking up, knowing that the armoured men were coming to bind his hands and collar him against magic use. His words were so soft that only the elf could hear them, “Thank you.”

The elf cast a glance at the men holding Suara and her sons, “I gave my word. There is not to be a mark on them, is that understood?”

The men snapped a smart salute and filed into the inn, bearing their burdens with them. The crowd cleared out of their way, dispersing back to their dwellings for the moments. They would meet later to decide on the people that would be taken, but for now they merely wanted to be away from the scene and the danger.

The man with the enameled armour stepped up next to the elf as Tori was bound, gagged, and collared before being dragged away. He had a slight smile on his face, “Tori the Sinner, that man’s bounty is worth a small fortune! Who would have thought that he’d be hiding right under our noses this entire time?”

“I did not say anything about a bounty. I expect you not to do so either Captain, this is a delicate matter.” He turned around and moved back through the garden, heading to retrieve his horse.

[Xyster]

This is only the first chapter of what is already a 62 page story based in another world. It starts off with a lengthy introduction of how the world was formed and the history behind the races which I chose not to add right yet.

For now I'd just like some constructive critism or comments or you could just let me know what you thought about it. All input is valued, and I really hope that you enjoy it and would like to read more.

- Xyster

[Magus]

Just a minor grammatical point to start off with: Julius’s should be Julius’. When a word or name ends with an "S", you need only an apostrophy to signify possesiveness, not an additional "S" after that, which is reserved for words/names that do not end in "S".

A nit-pick, I know.

Practically stacked atop each other they peered through the crack at the slim, frail man within the bed in the dark room.

There should be a comma between "other" and "they".

I'd suggest changing "They made a muffled thump as both of them crashed into the floor and lay very still, hearing the noises in the room beyond the door cease." to "There was a muffled thump as both of them crashed into the floor. They lay very still while the noises in the room beyond the door cease."

I really like this paragraph, though:

There was rustling from within the room, and a murmur of voices. Julius and Julian hissed back and forth at each other as they untangled their bony limbs and scrambled for the door of the communal home. Julian banged into a low table and Julius slammed into the matching chair. Both let out curses that would have set their mother to scrubbing their mouths if she had heard them.

It really shows them to be children, and gives us a good, clear idea of their general relationship to one another, and place in the story at large. Basically, well done.

You have a tendency to, sometimes, make sentences too long; not necesarilly run-ons as a rule, but that's still the general effect. Such is the case here:

He glared down at them with angry black eyes and reached down with his free hand to tighten the belt he wore while he held the candle above him with the other.

Try guiding your writing with grammer. Steer the reader with it, force them to read at YOUR pace, not their own. When you want them to linger on a point or take more time with a section, use it to slow them down. If you want them to race through it, then use it to speed them along. I'd suggest changing the above-mentioned example to:

He glared down at them with angry black eyes. He reached down with his free hand, tightening the belt that he wore, while he held the candle above him with the other.

Another point I'd like to make is a matter of much debate on another site that I moderate. Basically, the point was made that you should try your best to stray from using infinitives. In English, these are verbs that have the word "to" in front of it, such as "To run", "to walk", "to jump", or, in your case, "to tighten". Now, I'm not one to say never use them, because they are many times the best option available to you. But I do suggest eliminating them whenever possible. The reason why is that infinitives have a tendency to make your writing more passive. Like adverbs (which I don't notice being any problem with your writing, I should add), you should use them as sparingly as you can.

When the man speaks, use a comma between the words "time" and "sulking". I'd also suggest ending that bit of dialog with an exclamation point.

Torak was busy for the moment though with the squirming child he had pinned beneath his foot.

I'd suggest the use of a comma before and after "though". This is the application of using grammer to steer the reader along.

In the next paragraph, last sentence, I'd suggest removing "and protest". The picture's already given by him screaming in pain, we imagine that to be a manner of protest. These words only stand to distract the image shown, and focus on the image told.

Now, you say he's angry, but HOW is he angry? What does he look like when he's angry? Are his eyes drawn, sallow, wide, beedy? Are there bags under his eyes? Is his hair disshevled? Is his mouth drawn, showing his teeth? Are any vains popping out? What you did was told me that he's angry. What you should do is SHOW me how he's angry.

Also, I'd suggest doing the same with the beating of the boys. Here it's not so much that you're telling and not showing. You are showing it, but as a reader I want to be shown more. Describe the pain, the injuries, what affects it has on them. Immerse me in the beating, is what I mean to say. Make MY stomach hurt when Torak punches the boy, make MY head scream when they get thrown.

“Leave us and our women in peace cur!” should be, “Leave us and our women in peace, Cur!”

When addressing a person, their name should be set off in the sentence by a comma (when it comes at the end or beginning). Further, when you have a word or title that directly replaces a name, where you could substitute that name in for it and nothing would be lost, it should be capitalized.

"Julius nodded, as did Julian, and they turned away, towards the wooden door of the communal home." The last comma in the sentence is unnecesary and should be removed.

"He responded to her dully, pulling on a thin black shirt and sitting on the bed next to this creature that he had sold himself so long ago for. He hated it now as much as he loved it, but he could never be rid of it for not only did it look like the woman that he loved, but it had once been her."

I'd suggest changing this to, "He responded to her dully, pulling on a thin black shirt and sitting on the bed next to this creature that he had sold himself for so long ago. He hated it now as much as he loved it, but he could never be rid of it; for not only did it look like the woman that he loved, but it had once been her."

When the woman speaks, there should be a comma before "Tori", the same rule I mentioned a little bit above.



I must say, I really like what I've read so far. It's very dark and mysterious, which is just what I like to read. Your writing, though, is a little like Thomas Harris, in that you write very well and can tell a story without any problem. Telling it isn't an issue with you. But, at times, it's just that, you're telling it, listing what happens instead of showing what happens. Also, I don't feel that you go far enough in showing and describing, but this might just be my own personal preference.

Still, great job. I only did the first section, but will get to the other two when I can.

[codlaim]

I was impressed by this story. I think that all of the notes Magus made are valid and will not go into that sort of thing further since I could add little. I mean to say that the story was so good that at times I paid little attention to the craft behind it. It is a failing of mine as a reader, perhaps, but it might also be part of your ability as a writer. The only problem I had was that when I did come back into the technique, it did not feel as polished or well done as say something you'd read that has been published. That Magus had the things he had to say about the story illustrates this. This is not a bad thing since that comparison is meant here to suggest that it is close to that. I would definitely like to read more if you feel like posting it. Real good.

[Xyster]

Well, since Magus' posting I've been working my way through the story and fixing the passive tense flaws along with some of teh wording. I also fixed all of the grammatical errors with Julius' name.

I'm slowly getting it fixed, but it takes more time to fix than it did to originally write.

[Dead_Technology]

I have no stylistic qualms with the story, and unfortunately I didn't pay any attention to the grammar, but I think magus pretty much covered it. I loved the story, the flow, the general vibe and although I haven't read your actual introduction I felt this makes a strong beginning. Hope we will be getting more of this.

[Xyster]

Hey guys. I'm sorry that I've been gone for so long. I just wanted to let everyone know that this story is still a work in progress. I am upwards of 160 pages on it and still going. I fully intend to try and get it published when I am finished.

Sorry for resurrecting this topic, but I really didn't know where to post.

[Bmat]

Hi, Xyster!

It is fine to post here if you like.