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sam's as-yet-untitled scifi story

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sam's as-yet-untitled scifi story

Postby samlittell » Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:45 pm

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my work. At this time, I have decided to move my work exclusively to another website. I wish everyone here luck and success in their writing.

-Sam
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Postby samlittell » Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:49 pm

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Postby samlittell » Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:56 pm

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Postby samlittell » Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:58 pm

...
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Postby Talon Sinnah » Wed Oct 11, 2006 7:15 pm

Give me some time to read it man.
I am the poet of the body and I am the poet of the Soul. The pleasures of heaven are with me and the pains of hell are with me. The first I graft and increase upon myself, the latter I translate into a new tongue.

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Postby samlittell » Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:26 am

...
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Postby Bmat » Tue Oct 17, 2006 7:23 am

The steady thumping of the complex bass line was audible even through the soundproofed, duracrete-enhanced floors. Even if it was secluded from people, Will could never totally be at peace in the club except for the early hours of daylight, when the bulk of the crowd stumbled home in preparation for the next night of parties. But, like it or not, these forms had to be completed at some point, and his ears were still throbbing from handling potential investors in his private booth downstairs. Nobody had ever told Will Ryder about the tedious side of owning his own night club. He had been led to believe that it was all glamour, living the sweet life day and night until he grew old.

He could not place exactly when it happened, but some time between poring over beverage sales reports and the previous evening's take, he realized that there was somebody else in the office with him. He stopped suddenly and looked up as a datapad landed on his desk and came sliding across the pile of reports. The single grunt indicated the presence of his chief of security, Sindao. The man never looked pleased, but this time he was wearing an especially sour expression. He gestured to the datapad on the desk with one clawlike finger.

Will sighed and picked it up, noticing that the screen was showing a video feed. Without looking at the feed's details, he knew right away what it was showing him. This was from Pit 2 by the look of the carpet, and probably table 2 since the dealer was still new to the club. He could see all the telltale signs, right down to the way the man nervously tapped his chips as he laughed to try to cover up his work. Will muttered, running a hand over his shaved scalp and standing up.

"Let's go get him."

The security chief nodded and turned about, walking a measured two paces in front of Will to the turbolift against the southern wall. The ride down from the third to first floor was not much more than twenty seconds, but it was longer for the silence between the two men. The one thing Will absolutely could not tolerate in his club was somebody who could not follow the simple rules posted at the entrances to the club and the gaming lounge: no violence, and no cheating. Anybody who could not abide by those two had no business being in the Stardust Club.

Sindao escorted him across the lushly carpeted floor. It was not a long walk from the turbolifts to Pit 2, but Will never enjoyed doing this. The approach he took allowed him to arrive silently, and most of the patrons knew not to bother him when his chief of security looked visibly more angry than usual. He did not worry about blowing his advantage of surprise, since only the dealer saw him coming. Although he did not take great pride in it, Will went to great lengths to train his dealers. He taught them to expect everything and anything, and to take it perfectly in stride. The dealer's eyes flicked up towards Will's even as he was narrating the action on the table.

Will came up and stood about six feet behind the man from the camera feed. He had never met a cheater smart enough to stop acting, even up to the end. Will watched the hand without obviously watching his mark, when he saw the subtle motion in the man's wrist. It was almost too quick to notice, but to the trained eye it was obvious that the man was supplying his own cards through an elaborate suction device sewn in his sleeve. He watched for two more hands, letting the man forget about his surroundings and absorb the action. When the dealer began the third hand, he made his move.

The dealer looked up with the same unreadable look that Will taught all of his employees. It was only then that the mark realized that his game was over. He tried to stand up and leave, but a hand laid firmly on his shoulder sat him back down. Will put on an affected smile, running through the routine that unfortunately was too well practiced.

"How is everybody doing this evening?" he asked. He was greeted by a chorus of approval from those who were winning, and barely discernible grumblings from those who were not.

"My name is Will Ryder, and I own the Stardust. I appreciate your business this evening, and wish you luck during the rest of your stay here. Unfortunately, one of you seems to be all out of luck right about now." With this, he focused his gaze on the man he was holding in place. "I am afraid you are going to have to come with me." After making sure the rest of the table was in order, and dividing the man's chips among the other players, he turned custody of the cheater over to Sindao, who was already whispering into the comm uplink implanted in his wrist. After he received a response, they moved back toward the turbolift.

As hard as the silence was on him, Will knew it was worse for the other man. If there actually were worse things in the galaxy than having a punisher like Sindao angry at you, there couldn't be that many of them. He could imagine what it was like, because the man had probably heard all of the carefully tailored stories about what happened to those who tried to cheat William Ryder.


Since you requested that we not post whether we liked the story, I'll respect the request, although this makes it a bit difficult for me to comment.

Places that distracted me: I think that "Even if it was secluded" should be "Even if it were secluded."

I also stopped and thought about a measured 2 paces in front. I can easily understand a measured 2 paces behind, but to walk a measured two paces in front, I don't know. To measure the two paces you have to see the person, and if you are walking in front of him, you aren't seeing him, unless you are somehow glancing backward.

The hand on the cheater's shoulder: I would think that the club owner would leave actual physical contact to his "heavy."


I do plan to read more as time permits.
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Postby samlittell » Tue Oct 17, 2006 7:36 am

...
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Postby John Thiel » Tue May 29, 2007 5:27 pm

It should be reworked for Asimov's. But you might have these problems if you do so:

a) Editor says, "This is too much what we publish--where's its uniqueness?" I'd suggest the discrete introduction of novelty effects and attention-getters here and there. And there'd be more punch to it if the personality description details were used at the outset. Maybe he'd like to keep a low profile, but the writer doesn't have to help him do it, and the readers need not be held off.

b) Editor says, "This sounds like stories from other genres. Of course, maybe we could do an espionage/counter espionage magazine too." But they couldn't. The Asimov's staff is not capable of doing an additional magazine of this type. I think the story should be more genre-conscious.

Give the reader some reasons at the outset to want to read this particular work. Remember, reading works about the government is a chore.
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Postby clknaps » Wed May 30, 2007 7:01 pm

I agree with John T. And I can't really say much more, since I'm confused about what type of critic/comments you are looking for on this.

Thank you for sharing it with, welcome to the forum.

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