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Shards - updated

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Shards - updated

Postby Poisonbabyfood » Mon Oct 23, 2006 3:25 pm

Mmmm.Graf
Last edited by Poisonbabyfood on Sun May 20, 2007 8:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
It is quite true that the clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
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Postby Trey of Diamonds » Mon Oct 23, 2006 5:56 pm

Wow, very powerful, I really like this one. It is short but very poignant. I hope you keep posting and if you ever get into comic book scripting, let me know!
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Postby Bmat » Tue Dec 12, 2006 3:36 pm

The story is excellent.

I have a small doubt. The last line. I am not sure that it is needed- that it adds anything to the story. This is just my humble opinion. I may be missing something.

The story is well-written. The concept is good, the pacing perfect. It is memorable.

Top-flight work.
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Postby Scriven » Fri Dec 29, 2006 5:05 pm

I really like thie concept, but it feels a bit rough to me.

I'm never a really big fan of narrator shift, and I'm not sure if that happened here or if it was the same narrator or not.

I'm not sure if the "I grab you by the shoulders," part works for me. Its unusual but I wasn't sure if the narrator talking to the reader or talking to another character. I think it could work both ways, I'd just like to see it better defined.

Its a solid concept and it works in a short story format, but I think you could spin it out into something larger as well
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Postby berry » Tue Jan 30, 2007 9:57 am

Very powerful, nice style, great idea.
Would love to read more of your stuff.
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