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The Dream

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The Dream

Postby Believer » Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:57 am

Ok yall, don't be scared that i actually posted a short story, because I never really write, but I have this one, it is kinda short and I wrote it for a role play I'm doing actually, so I need constructive criticism please...and please keep in mind, I may not be good, but I'm trying to write....kinda hehe:

She stood there looking at her with sadness in her eyes knowing that this may be the only way for her rage to be released from her. As sad as it is, she is resulting in the way that she does not like, the way of violence. She bowed before her opponent out of respect as she took a step back and nodded "Tae si kyr shaer iar eil vyraes iar pesol sor tar" She said softly as she looked at the Sky's and placed her fist over her heart and bowed her head before dropping her arm down to her side. With a final sigh, her eyes slowly closed as she meditated lightly clearing her mind and focused on her anger, her rage, and her emotions, slowly drawing them out. Moans escaped her lips as her hands clenched in tight fists, her knuckles becoming as white as snow.

Images flashed through mind. one by one did they taunt her, toying with her emotions. First it was images of her village and of her step parents. Then of her real parents. Slowly they dragged on. She soon saw her ex. The man that she poured all her heart and soul into only to be ripped away and thrown back by some vicious rumor that split them apart. Now here she is walking this road alone. and when she thought that she found love once again, it was with the man that caused problems with her and the family. One that she was too afraid to admit that she loved too busy thinking of what the others would say. And right when things started to clear up, she watched him lie upon the ground, bleeding to death, knowing there was nothing she could do no matter how hard she tried.

Her breath staggered as she struggled to regain it with no luck. She managed to take a deep breath as the wind around her started to blow violently. Voices could be heard all around as they called out her name "Kirsten, lets us out......let us take control" they whispered to her as she quickly covered her eyes shaking her head "No, Leave me alone!" she called out. The demons of her past continued to taunt her "come on, you know you want us too" they said in an evil tone. "I Said No!!". When she opened her eyes and looked around she noticed her dead parents there before her, bodies mutilated by the attack and from the fire that engulfed them as they died. They still had the same features, yet their expression was different.

They were now evil, consumed by too much hatred and too much anger "You did this too us" they said "You killed us!" they taunted her. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she shook her head frantically "No! i tried to save you! I tried!" she cried out. They laughed evilly then in a matter of seconds, pulled the all famous guilt trip on her "You finished us off, you could have put the fire out but instead, you wanted us dead". they pouted "NO!" she screamed out "You Lie!" she slowly dropped to her knees. She reached her trembling hands up and clenched her head tightly. She knew that she had to fight to release her rage, but this was beyond anything that she had imagined. Her parents then started to walk around in circles around her pathetic form on the ground.

A golden locket appeared on the ground beside her. She slowly reached out and took it despite her parents blaming her for their death. Accusing her of their agony and pain, claiming that she did not love them at all. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that they were lying, she could not help but agree with them "no.....no....your wrong, i did love you" she started to cry out. Suddenly things around her started to spin. the colors mixed together until she could make nothing out. Suddenly, everything went black. Her eyes flung open as she quickly sat up looking around in a cold sweat to find herself sitting on her bed looking around the room. Her breath was heavy and heart was racing.

She closed her eyes and struggled to calm herself down. Her breath slowed once again. Opening her eyes she looked over at the window. With one quick move she was up on her feet and moved over to it and peered out. "Its just a dream" she said in relief as she reached her hand up and wiped the sweat from her eyes then lowered her arm wiping her now wet hand on the front of her nightgown. She took a deep breath as she glanced at the beauty of the moon. So peaceful she thought. She then begun to wonder what would cause her to have such a nightmare like that, especially when she thought she was over it. Now she doubts if she was ever over it at all, or if her true emotions were just hiding. She sighed deeply shaking her head.

"Oh well, its over now" she said to herself as she turned towards her bed and took a few steps towards it before stopping. She narrowed her eyes a bit as she spotted something gold peeking out from under the covers. Her curiosity now peaked as she slowly walked over and threw the covers back to expose the object. Her eyes went wide as she stumbled back a few steps "n....no, i...it cant be" she stuttered as she shook her head slowly. After a moment or two she regained herself. She walked back over to the bed and slowly sat down upon it. Swallowing hard, she slowly picked up the object

She now held in her hand the locket that she saw in her nightmare. Her mind now raced. "How is this possible?" she asked herself, She scooted up to the head of the bed and sat there gently hugging her knees as her back leaned against the wall. She held the locket within her hands as she gently ran her thumb over its face and over to the side. With a soft click, she opened it, a picture of her and her step parents laid within it. She looked at it a moment, and it suddenly started to change into a picture of everyone there in Dover. She shook her head confused then looked closer. Her real parents were seen off to the side.

The smiles on their face were of pure joy and happiness. she smiled softly as she closed it. One last question lingers in her mind, Was what she had that night a nightmare, or was it something else? And if it were a nightmare, then why does she still have the necklace. Scooting down underneath the covers, she laid the locket on her nightstand and slowly fell asleep once again, with no intentions on trying to figure this mystery out

<end>


"Tae si kyr shaer iar eil vyraes iar pesol sor tar" means May the gods bless us and protect us during this match in elvish
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce-
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Postby Bmat » Fri Jan 19, 2007 12:36 pm

She stood there looking at her with sadness in her eyes knowing that this may be the only way for her rage to be released from her. As sad as it is, she is resulting in the way that she does not like, the way of violence. She bowed before her opponent out of respect as she took a step back and nodded "Tae si kyr shaer iar eil vyraes iar pesol sor tar" She said softly as she looked at the Sky's and placed her fist over her heart and bowed her head before dropping her arm down to her side. With a final sigh, her eyes slowly closed as she meditated lightly clearing her mind and focused on her anger, her rage, and her emotions, slowly drawing them out. Moans escaped her lips as her hands clenched in tight fists, her knuckles becoming as white as snow.

The "her" and "she" were confusing and are used many times in this paragraph. I'd suggest removing as many of them as you can. "She looked at the Sky's"- I don't know what this means- that she looked at the sky? or a poetic "skies?" Probably commas are needed after "meditated" and "mind." "As white as snow" is cliché. "becoming white" would be adequate, IMO.

"Toying with her emotions" doesn't quite seem to fit. Unless some beings are making the images appear and thus are "toying" with her emotions, then I don't see a motivation for images to "toy." Perhaps "triggering" or "strengthening" or "confusing" her emotions. Just my opinion.

"Ex" is kind of modern day slang that doesn't fit in with the poetic speech that you are using in the rest of the story. Former lover or boyfriend or former husband, etc, may work?

thrown back perhaps this could be worded differently to be clearer- thrown back in her face, or callously thrown back to (or at) her....

problems with her and the family. maybe omit her and the family?

One that she was too afraid to admit that she loved too busy thinking of what the others would say. this sentence is awkward.

Her breath staggered as she struggled to regain it with no luck. perhaps omit this sentence?

Voices could be heard all around, let us out... the first part seemed as if the voices were external to her, yet the next part indicates that they are inside her.

Maybe their expressions were different? - I know you wanted to indicate that they had the same expression, but you did use plural in the preceding phrase. I almost think a rewording would help- maybe something such as "But they were different." or "There was a difference, now, in them." Something like this.

They were now evil, - It seems kind of sudden for her to evaluate the change in appearance as their now being evil. Perhaps even omit this phrase, it may not be needed considering the following phrase.

all famous guilt trip- more modern day slang


pathetic form on the ground. not needed, IMO

I don't think she needs to rehash the reasons for her parents' accusations in the next paragraph. Perhaps a remark could be made about the continued accusations... The word "suddenly" is used twice close together, so you may want to reword.

With one quick move she was up on her feet and moved over to it and peered out. " I'd suggest a period after "feet."

then lowered her arm wiping her now wet hand on the front of her nightgown. This doesn't add to the story, IMO.

doubts should be doubted

Her curiosity now peaked as not needed

this paragraph contains the second time she shook her head, one of the times perhaps should be eliminated.

intentions on I think that this means she is undecided about whether to try to find out. Intentions of would mean that she has decided to not to try. I'm not sure which one you mean.

I don't understand why she wouldn't want to find out. From the strong person we see earlier in the story, why wouldn't she? And to be able to go directly to sleep? I'd think she'd stay in her protective physical posture deep into the night pondering the mystery.

I like the story. You have quickly established an atmosphere and kept the reader guessing until toward the end. Some tightening would be useful. And as far as my questioning the end, it's your story so you should keep it as you like.
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Postby melkior » Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:40 am

I liked it too! I agree with all of Bmat's comments, in particular about the use of modern expressions. That aside I found it very readable and I thought that the angst of the character came over as very real emotion.
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Postby clknaps » Sun Jan 21, 2007 2:41 am

I agree with Bmat's comments on the grammar, just wanted to add one more question:

"Its just a dream" she said in relief as she reached her hand up and wiped the sweat from her eyes then lowered her arm wiping her now wet hand on the front of her nightgown.

The way this reads it's like her eyes are sweating. I would change it to "wiped the sweat from her brow" or maybe "wiped the sweat from over her eyes."


(Note to Bmat - you used color in your reply, hooray! :) The world needs more color in it!)


I also agree with Bmat's question at the end, why wouldn't she be more troubled about the dream? Overall, a nicely painted scene, thank you for sharing it. CLK
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Postby Believer » Sun Jan 21, 2007 6:25 pm

Thank yall for your comments and taking the time to read my story, I will definetly take the time to make the changes yall have suggested. I said this was for a rp, and I admit, I'm used to doing one liners or semi para, so this was a challenge and I actually enjoyed it
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