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Love or Die

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Love or Die

Postby Believer » Tue Jan 23, 2007 6:27 pm

Ok, here is one more for now:

She walked around this life of hers as she sees the smiling faces of the ones around her. Love was in the air, yet it did not touch her. Not only did she run from it, She denyed it if it would ever present itself to her. She had been hurt in the past, her heart torn to shreds, the remains of it shattered into nothingness. She sighed sadly as she sat heavily upon the bench in the garden and just stared into the sky, getting lost within her own thoughts. Many have told her that she will find another, that she will find love again, yet the question remains, does she want too? Will she take that risk again just to have it taken from her by her foolish acts or another vicious rumor?

A tear rolled down her cheek. She was alone now, so she simply started to let go all that she kept bottled up inside of her when she was around the others. She had her family to keep her company, to talk to her and to show her love, yet she still felt lonely inside and it started to eat at her. She kept on thinking that she was over him, that she was fine, but the truth is, till she found another to love like him, she would never be ok. There was now a pain inside of her where her heart used to be, one that throbbed every day. She tried her hardest to put on a happy face for all of those around, so they would not worry, so they would not render her weak, but in fact it was all an act. There were times that she would feel happy, when it did not involve love.

She closed her eyes and looked down as her breath started to stagger as she fought her hardest to regain control before she totally lost it. Even with everyone there for her, she was alone in this world. And it was her that needed to start accepting it no matter how hard it was. She clenched her hands in fists till her knuckles were white. Her nails were digging deep into her skin causing herself to bleed. Yet she did not seem to care, in fact she rather enjoyed it in a way. It forced herself to remember that she could still feel, that she could still hurt in other ways then emotionally.

What was she to do? she wanted so badly to love, yet she feared it so. People tell her that time will tell, to let it come to her, yet that was the hardest to do, for if she sat there and waited, it may eat at her till there was nothing left. Then she would turn into this emotionless being that would injure herself just to keep reminding herself that she could feel, that she was still alive, or she would simply say goodbye to the world and walk into her room, lock the door once again and close herself off from the others, from reality and never come out, spending the rest of her days, drowning in her sorrow and pain.

she slowly opened her eyes and looked to the sky. Her hands trembled slightly as she desperatly searched for the answers that were just not there. With a deep breath, she slowly walked back to her room and locked the door once again to ponder her decision.
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce-
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Postby Bread Butterbeard » Tue Jan 23, 2007 9:49 pm

Well the theme of this short is about love obviously but I did not feel overly moved by it, mainly to do with a lack of understanding of her loss. You indicate it was a him, a boyfriend, husband, brother or father? not all love is the same and the type of love you hint at here does lead one to believe its a boyfriend husband or lover yet it is not made clear, at least not to me.

That being said your style is fluid and the message was conveyed wonderfully as far as her hurt and pain which I felt upon reading. also how did she lose him?

Did she cheat? did he die? did he cheat? is he gone?

Still a good piece!! don't get me wrong I enjoyed it, keep up the good work!
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Re: Love or Die

Postby clknaps » Tue Jan 23, 2007 10:28 pm

Hi Believer, thanks for sharing this with us.
Everything written below is merely a suggestion:


She walked around this life of hers as she sees the smiling faces of the ones around her.
She slowly walked outside, walking through her life, looking upon the smiling faces of those around her.

Love was in the air, yet it did not touch her. Not only did she run from it, She denyed it if it would ever present itself to her.
Love was in the air, so some said, yet she did not feel its touch; indeed she would deny it if it ever presented itself to her again.


She had been hurt in the past, her heart torn to shreds, the remains of it shattered into nothingness. She sighed sadly as she sat heavily upon the bench in the garden and just stared into the sky, getting lost within her own thoughts. Many have told her that she will find another, that she will find love again, yet the question remains, does she want too? Will she take that risk again just to have it taken from her by her foolish acts or another vicious rumor?

I would say that from this paragraph alone, the reader can discern that the love the narrator speaks of is a romantic one, and it was lost by an act of miscommunication or rumor.


A tear rolled down her cheek. She was alone now, so she simply started to let go all that she kept bottled up inside of her when she was around the others.
A tear rolled down her cheek. Finally alone now, she allowed herself to let go and release the pain that she had kept so tightly bottled when around others.

She kept on thinking that she was over him, that she was fine, but the truth is, till she found another to love like him, she would never be ok.
She kept telling herself she was over him, she was fine, but truthfully she knew that until she found another love she would never be fine.

There was now a pain inside of her where her heart used to be, one that throbbed every day.
A pain grew where her heart had once been, and it throbbed in agony.

There were times that she would feel happy, when it did not involve love.
I'm not quite sure I understand the writer's intent of this sentence. Does it mean she will only feel happy in regard to things that have nothing to do with love? Or is it a more hopeful suggestion, likened to the narrator's wishful thinking that perhaps one day she will feel happy again? I'd suggest a rewrite but since I'm not sure of the intent I'll leave it open.

She closed her eyes and looked down as her breath started to stagger as she fought her hardest to regain control before she totally lost it.
Run-on sentence, would suggest a rework.

Even with everyone there for her, she was alone in this world. And it was her that needed to start accepting it no matter how hard it was.
Would suggest changing to: Even with everyone who claimed there were there for her, she felt completely alone in this world, and that was a hard fact she knew she would need to accept.

She clenched her hands in fists till her knuckles were white. Her nails were digging deep into her skin causing herself to bleed. Yet she did not seem to care, in fact she rather enjoyed it in a way. It forced herself to remember that she could still feel, that she could still hurt in other ways then emotionally.

Good visual, easy to picture, well-written paragraph.

What was she to do? she wanted so badly to love, yet she feared it so. People tell her that time will tell, to let it come to her, yet that was the hardest to do, for if she sat there and waited, it may eat at her till there was nothing left. Then she would turn into this emotionless being that would injure herself just to keep reminding herself that she could feel, that she was still alive, or she would simply say goodbye to the world and walk into her room, lock the door once again and close herself off from the others, from reality and never come out, spending the rest of her days, drowning in her sorrow and pain.

You switch tenses a few times in the above paragraph and at other places in this story. I'd suggest picking one, present or past and using it throughout the story. Both have pros and cons, present tense would make the reader feel more "there" with the narrator, past tense would the reader feel more of the regret and loss the narrator is recounting.

she slowly opened her eyes and looked to the sky. Her hands trembled slightly as she desperately searched for the answers that were just not there. With a deep breath, she slowly stood, walked back to her room and locked the door once again to ponder her decision.

Overall, you do a very good job of making the reader feel the narrator's pain and loss. At the end of the story I really wanted to give her a big hug!
The narrator feels young to me, perhaps this is her first love and thus her first loss? The first cut is always the deepest.
Thank you for sharing this with us, CLK
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Postby Believer » Wed Jan 24, 2007 6:31 am

Thank yall for helping me with this story, it does mean a lot to me, it means a lot to me
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce-
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