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Chapter 3--Thaia Queen of The Ljosalfars-revised

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Chapter 3--Thaia Queen of The Ljosalfars-revised

Postby Stephanie » Fri Mar 16, 2007 9:35 am

Chapter Three
The search for truth






Thaia entered the family’s very large library surveying the filth. Thaia and Kaylee had decided not to clean some of the rooms until it was necessary to do so. Thaia walked over to the heavy window coverings to admit the blinding rays of sunshine. Long graceful fingers of light streaked across the dust filed room. The light revealed millions of little partials of dust dancing in her wake. Thaia struggled to open the old windows, the weather seemed to seal them shut. Finally she managed to reveal the beauty outside. A soft sweet-smelling breeze flooded the stale smelling room with the sent of spring’s reluctant arrival. Thaia leaned out the opening into the sun, closing her eyes she took in the sweet breeze. Silently Thaia listened to the sounds of birds singing high up in the trees.
Slowly, Thaia turned to the room and her spirits seem to warm. Memories of her mother and father settled in her mind. Thaia could remember her father as he sat next to a roaring fire reading to her of fairies and princesses. Her mother would sit near listening to his stories.
Opening the room up helped to lift the spirits that seemed to linger; the room was not so forgotten! Thaia could not help but to dwell on her parents as she stood in the middle of the library. Surrounded she felt, by Natalia her mother and Terrence her beloved father.
The cool breeze seemed to move around the stale smell of her fathers cigar smoke, and she swore that she could smell her mother’s perfume. As if they still sat in the room with her. Goose bumps ran up and down Thaias body at the thought.
Last edited by Stephanie on Thu Dec 27, 2007 7:39 am, edited 9 times in total.
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Postby Bmat » Fri Mar 16, 2007 12:22 pm

I only read a little bit. Here are some grammar and style comments on the first paragraph. I recommend spaces between paragraphs to make reading easier.

Thaia entered the families needs to be possessive very large library surveying the filth. They had decided not to clean some of the rooms, no comma nneeded until they wanted to use them there are a lot of "they, them" here.. Thaia walked over to the windows and opened the heavy window coverings used "window" twice closely- possibly reword? to admit the blinding rays of sunshine. Long graceful fingers of light streaked across the dust filed room. The light revealed millions of little partials of dust dancing in her wake. Struggling to open the window, several "lights" "dust's" - perhaps reword?Thaia jiggled unfortunate word, perhaps say jiggled the window? although this would be yet another use of "window." How about combining all three sentences? and pushed. Finally she managed to push them wide open. The pushing is belabored.A soft sweet-smelling breeze flood past tense needed the stale smelling room with a sent of springs possessive needed reluctant do we discover why the arrival was reluctant? arrival. Thaia leaned into the sun and the sweet breeze as she listened to the sounds of birds singing high up in the trees.


The image of the breeze flowing into the stale room is very pleasing.

I'd suggest rewriting the paragraph and condensing it down into sharper descriptions.
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Postby clknaps » Fri Mar 16, 2007 11:00 pm

Hi Stephanie! Welcome to the SV forum!

Since Bmat did paragraph one I'll do the second one. If you'd like us to do more let me know. I second the need for spaces between paragraphs. Also double space after sentences.



Slowly, Thaia turned to the room and her spirits seem to warm as memories of her mother and father settled in her mind. As a child her father loved to read books of fairies and princesses. (This sentence is confusing, seems to suggest that when her father was a child, instead I think you mean As a child, her father loved to read books of fairies and princesses to her.) Her mother would sit near the fire place listening to his stories.
(new paragraph)
Opening the room up lifted the spirits that seemed to linger; it didn't seem so forgotten and dead! Thaia could not help but to dwell on her parents as she stood in the middle of the library. Surrounded she felt, by Natalia her mother and Terrence her beloved father with all of their beloved books. (Incomplete sentence. Maybe rework to: She felt as though they were standing by her, Natalia, her mother, and Terrence, her beloved father, surrounded by all their cherished books.)
(New paragraph)
Natalia had been a very beautiful and graceful woman with her blond hair and shining blue eyes.
Her mother didn't stand more that five foot one inches tall, but she had a powerful presence about her. In truth Natalia had confessed to Thaia that only females had been born in her family, all were about the same size. . . .short! (confusion, are you saying that there were only females in her family? Don't understand that. Or are you saying that only the females were traditionally short?) Thaia was not surprised to only hit five-foot herself. Natalia tried to help her daughter with her issues by telling her that" there would not be a more powerful being anywhere in the worlds".
Good foreshadowing here but I would change the word "issues," it's too modern. How about concerns? Worries?


Okay I like the story, keep writing it. I like the character as you have introduced her. I have a good picture of her in my mind. Your use of description is a bit verbose but is creative. (Hey I know a lot of creative accountants!) :)
You do need some work on grammar, but then we all do. The only way to become a better writer is to write, write and then write some more. Thank you for sharing this with us, please continue to be a part of our family here. CLK
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Postby berry » Mon Mar 26, 2007 7:41 am

Hi Stephanie,
I read only the 2nd chapter. I can't comment on grammar as mine is pretty rubbish but I can tell you what I thought of the story.
I found my self becoming less and less engaged as I read. I think this is because it moved a little too fast in some places and to slowly in others. At the beginning even though there isn't a lot happening it felt like a lot of information to take in that wasn't really adding to the scene;That detracted from feeling like I was with her in her reminiscing.
The discovery of the door also did this for me. It seemed to appear for no reason (she didn't bump into the wall or hit it but the wall seemed to crumble away while she sat next to it) after is was discovered it was put aside again leaving me wondering why it was mentioned. It sort of moved me away from the story.
The dream sections I feel needed a little more atmosphere to distinguish it from the waking parts.
On a rather pedantic note, the word Ljosalfar I found jarred while reading as it is impossible to say unless it has a silent J or L.
I found the use of the name Thaia strange as half way through it comes out that that isn't what she calls herself and in fact doesn't like the name.
I did like the feeling that there was another world just on the fringes of this one. I think most of it would be improved by showing rather than telling.

I know I have sounded rather negative but I really think it is a piece worth working on. You may also want to take all opinion with a pinch of salt as it is only opinion and I am a novice writer.
Thanks for sharing it. I hope you will share more.
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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Postby Bmat » Mon Mar 26, 2007 8:25 am

Stephanie, I'd recommend posting your revisions in a new post in your thread so that the members can tell that you have revised and would like more comments- it would keep your story more visible.

Thaia entered the family’s very large library -I think I'd omit "family's" which is a little awkward, and "very large" is not exciting as far as description- maybe something such as spacious, or impressive, etc- depending on the meaning you want. surveying the

filth. Thaia and Kaylee had decided not to clean some of the

rooms until it was necessary to do so.Is this sentence needed? Thaia walked over to

the heavy window coverings and pulled them open to admit

blinding rays of sunshine. Long graceful fingers of light streaked

across the dust filed dust-filled room. The light revealed millions of little

partials particles? of dust dancing in her wake. Thaia struggled to open

the old windows, time seemed to seal have sealed them shut why would she think that time had sealed them?. Finally comma here she

managed to reveal the beauty outside. A soft sweet-smelling

breeze flooded the stale smelling second use of "smelling" maybe leave it out? room with the sent of spring’s

reluctant arrival. Thaia leaned out of? the opening into the sun (period, then new sentence)

closing her eyes commashe took in the sweet breeze. Silently comma?Thaia

listened to the sounds of birds singing high up in the trees


Opening the room up lifted the spirits I can't figure out about lifting spirits- I picture ghosts lying on the floor that are now higher up in the air? that seemed to

linger; it didn't seem so forgotten and dead! Thaia could not

help but to omit "to?"dwell perhaps her thoughts could not help but dwell? on her parents or perhaps thoughts of her parent drifted across her mind- something like this as while?she stood in the middle of

the library. Surrounded she felt perhaps she felt surrounded by?, by Natalia her mother and

Terrence her beloved father. The cool breeze seemed to move

around this says the smell was there and the breeze stirred it around the stale smell of her fathers possessive cigar smoke, and she

swore that she could smell her mother’s perfume.

These are just suggestions and it is your choice, of course, on whether to do anything about them. You have a good atmosphere developing. I like it!
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