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The Observatory of the Moons

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The Observatory of the Moons

Postby wizardahz » Mon May 21, 2007 1:35 am

From The Story Observatory of the Moons

"How interesting Wizards both black and white."

That's when we noticed the guy in the corner.
None of us had seen him come in which was weird
because the Wizards Rest is sort of a small place
but you never know in a place where wizards hang out.

I mean I thought he was a wizard.
He was wearing a suit but you really couldn't focus on it,sort of a shark gray but not quite, it had color. Just like fish scales, when you thought you had a color fixed it would slip away.
That was weird even for this place.

The two wizards stood and threw up their hands and prepared to cast warding spells.

The wizard in black spoke first. "WHO ARE YOU!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT" the white robed wizard added.

We all waited while the old man walked to the bar.

"Peace Gentle beings I mean you no harm" he said as he sat.
The two wizards must have sensed the same thing I did that he meant no harm and dropped their hands and sat back down.

He went down to the end of the bar and sat as if if he owned it, waved his hand across the bar and I heard the sound that only pure gold makes. He already had my attention but he just made my nite.
"What can I get you?" I asked.

"Elven Wine the finest you have" he replied.
I started to explain to the guy that we don't carry Elven wine when I nearly cracked my shin against a case of dusty bottles.
I mean I knew it wasn't there a minute ago because I had just cleared behind the bar. So I pull a bottle out, wipe the dust off with a towel and looked at the label. It was in some weird script that even I couldn't identify, it might have been Elven but it wasn't any of the languages I knew. But the really weird thing was the DATE! I mean if it was right it had to be over 500 years old.

I heard a chuckle from the old man "Thats it lad pour it round and keep it coming."

So as soon as everyone in the place had a glass in front of them he started to speak.
"As to what I meant" he took a quick sip and continued,
" You probably aren't aware that at one time both of your GODS were the best of friend's",
He finished, then raising his glass like he was giving a toast he drained it and went on,
"That's right and not only that technically they aren't really gods".

"WHAT" came from both the wizards as they jumped to their feet again.

"Don't Toy with US" the wizard in black added threateningly.

This guy was cool, he waved his hand and told me to top off the glasses. I thought the other two were about to fry this guy
but he just took a large sip of his drink and proceeded to tell us this story....... To Be Continued
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Re: The Observatory of the Moons

Postby RHFay » Mon May 21, 2007 8:42 am

Hi wizardahz!

wizardahz wrote:"How interesting Wizards both black and white."


Maybe it's just me, but this quote seems a little clumsy. Maybe it needs a comma in there, or maybe rewrite it slightly. Something like: "how interesting, black and white wizards together in one place."

That's when we noticed the guy in the corner.
None of us had seen him come in which was weird
because the Wizards Rest is sort of a small place
but you never know in a place where wizards hang out.


Nice point here! I like this.

I mean I thought he was a wizard.
He was wearing a suit but you really couldn't focus on it,sort of a shark gray but not quite, it had color. Just like fish scales, when you thought you had a color fixed it would slip away.
That was weird even for this place.


Neat suit. The line seems a bit clumsy, it could use a tweaking, but it's a neat description. I like about the colour slipping away.

The two wizards must have sensed the same thing I did that he meant no harm and dropped their hands and sat back down.

This sentence could use a little tweaking, perhaps some commas might help.


He went down to the end of the bar and sat as if if he owned it, waved his hand across the bar and I heard the sound that only pure gold makes. He already had my attention but he just made my nite.


Does pure gold really make a distinctive sound, as compared to, say, silver coins? I'm not sure you can tell gold by the sound alone. Maybe it would work better if you had something like "the gleam of pure gold". That's certainly a distinctive trait of gold. And, "nite" is an improper spelling; it should be "night". Again, though, neat concept with the gold getting the narrator's attention.


The rest seemed okay, except for a few lines that could use some commas or a slight reworking. You seem to set up an interesting story there. Makes me want to find out more, which is always a good thing.

Cheers!
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Re: The Observatory of the Moons

Postby clknaps » Mon May 21, 2007 10:18 pm

"How interesting Wizards both black and white."

What is this sentence exactly? I like it, it's a good opening, but what is it? It is a thought from the bartender? It is a brief opening description of narration? I agree that it needs some work.

That's when we noticed the guy in the corner.
None of us had seen him come in which was weird
because the Wizards Rest is sort of a small place
but you never know in a place where wizards hang out.

Suddenly we (who is we? The bartender and patrons? How can he speak for them?) notice a gentlemen (don't use guy it's too modern) in the corner. No one had seen him come in, which was odd, considering the Wizard's Rest is a small sort of place, but then you never know in a place where wizards hang out.


I mean I thought he was a wizard.
He was wearing a suit but you really couldn't focus on it,sort of a shark gray but not quite, it had color. Just like fish scales, when you thought you had a color fixed it would slip away.
That was weird even for this place.

I assumed he was a wizard, anyway. He was wearing a suit from what I could tell, but you couldn't really focus on it, sort of....

The two wizards stood and threw up their hands and prepared to cast warding spells.

The wizard in black spoke first. "WHO ARE YOU!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT" the white robed wizard added.

The question "what do you mean by that" is confusing to me, since at this point in the story the strange old man has yet to speak. Is something unspoken transpiring here? If so, the reader needs more information.

We all waited while the old man walked to the bar.

"Peace Gentle beings I mean you no harm" he said as he sat.
The two wizards must have sensed the same thing I did that he meant no harm and dropped their hands and sat back down.

"Gentle" should not be capitalized unless it's a proper name/term. Peace gentle beings, I mean you no harm," he said as he sat, is the proper punctuation for this sentence.

He went down to the end of the bar and sat as if if he owned it, waved his hand across the bar and I heard the sound that only pure gold makes. He already had my attention but he just made my nite.

In the paragraph above this one, you have already indicated that he sat down. So you can't having him going to the end of the bar and then sitting again. I'd suggest you change one paragraph or the other. Night is not spelled nite. I liked the sentence about the sound of pure gold, that was good.

"What can I get you?" I asked.

"Elven Wine the finest you have" he replied.
I started to explain to the guy that we don't carry Elven wine when I nearly cracked my shin against a case of dusty bottles.
I mean I knew it wasn't there a minute ago because I had just cleared behind the bar. So I pull a bottle out, wipe the dust off with a towel and looked at the label. It was in some weird script that even I couldn't identify, it might have been Elven but it wasn't any of the languages I knew. But the really weird thing was the DATE! I mean if it was right it had to be over 500 years old.

This is a fine paragraph. You tend to use the word "weird" a lot in your entire story. I'd grab a thesaurus and change it up a bit, just a suggestion. Oh and I wouldn't capitalize the word date and use an exclamation point. One or the other is fine.

I heard a chuckle from the old man "Thats it lad pour it round and keep it coming."

Suggest a rework to: "I heard a chuckle from the old man and he said, "That's it lad, pour it round and keep it coming."

So as soon as everyone in the place had a glass in front of them he started to speak.

"As to what I meant" he took a quick sip and continued,
" You probably aren't aware that at one time both of your GODS were the best of friend's",
He finished, then raising his glass like he was giving a toast he drained it and went on,
"That's right and not only that technically they aren't really gods".

This is confusing. As to what he meant when? When did he speak about gods prior to this point?

"WHAT" came from both the wizards as they jumped to their feet again.

"Don't Toy with US" the wizard in black added threateningly.

This guy was cool, he waved his hand and told me to top off the glasses. I thought the other two were about to fry this guy
but he just took a large sip of his drink and proceeded to tell us this story....... To Be Continued[/quote]

This is a very decent beginning. I'd like to read more. Personally I would like to see a little more description of the characters. We, as the reader, don't even know what the bartender (the narrator) looks like at this point or whether they are male or female. I have no mental picture of the man, just that he is old. The black and white wizards are like stock characters, I'd suggest adding some more details to make them distinct and to flesh them out as more "real."
Some detail points you may want to consider for yourself- how big is the room? How many tables and chairs? How many people total are in the room? Where is the front door in relation to the bar? Where are the black and white wizards sitting? (together or separate?). Is the bartender the only employee? What does he or she look like? What does the bar itself look like? (wood, metal, etc). What time period is this set in? What does the mysterious man look like? What makes the bartender think he is a wizard?

Welcome to the forum, thank you for posting this and sharing it with us. I hope to see more from you in the future.

CLK
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Postby wizardahz » Tue May 22, 2007 12:46 am

The opening statement is from the old man, there are only 4 people in the bar, the 2 robed wizards and the bartender. The old man is in the corner standing not sitting and the lack of char development at this point is because the old man is going to be telling the actual story. As to the bit about the gods that explanation comes in the rest of the story but I will change it and put the original opening dialog back in if I can remember it, it got lost some where in the draft.
The lack of punctuation is because I have carpal tunnel can't type for crap and am working from my original 20 year old hand written first draft and reediting it as I go along. It has a lot of crossed out parts some with arrows to track what gets moved where. I am planning to flesh out the bar and the people working in it, there's a beginning couple a paragraphs in the ideas and suggestion forum for the short story Drinking with Dragons, it starts to explain some of those thing and in the book would come before this particular story. I would have posted it in that order but I haven't finished writing that one yet. Oh and the old man has to be a wizard as the bar exist outside of time and space it touches all planes of reality and only magic users and creatures can find it. Like I said all that is supposed to come out before this story in the book. I will post a picture of the inside of the bar in the art section its for yet another story in the book Music from the Wizards rest, I'll try to get that posted later today.
For now though it's time to seek sleep and dreams.
Thank you both for your input I will try to get the rest of this story posted as soon as possible
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Postby RHFay » Tue May 22, 2007 9:02 am

wizardahz wrote:The opening statement is from the old man, there are only 4 people in the bar, the 2 robed wizards and the bartender. The old man is in the corner standing not sitting and the lack of char development at this point is because the old man is going to be telling the actual story.


Hi wizardahz!

You may actually want a bit of that information in the beginning of your story. You just wrote out a description that sets the scene, now see if you can work it into your story.

By the way, I sympathize with you about having carpal tunnel syndrome. I have tendonitis in the wrists (had it since I was a cashier in a local grocery store many moons ago - almost six hours straight on the express register without scanners will wreck anyone's wrists). It's not as bad as it was, but it never goes away. And I sometimes get "numb fingers", which probably means I also have some nerve pinching or damage.

Ah, the ailments of the modern world, aren't they lovely?

Cheers!
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Re: The Observatory of the Moons

Postby RHFay » Tue May 22, 2007 9:07 am

clknaps wrote:"
"Elven Wine the finest you have" he replied.
I started to explain to the guy that we don't carry Elven wine when I nearly cracked my shin against a case of dusty bottles.
I mean I knew it wasn't there a minute ago because I had just cleared behind the bar. So I pull a bottle out, wipe the dust off with a towel and looked at the label. It was in some weird script that even I couldn't identify, it might have been Elven but it wasn't any of the languages I knew. But the really weird thing was the DATE! I mean if it was right it had to be over 500 years old.

This is a fine paragraph. You tend to use the word "weird" a lot in your entire story. I'd grab a thesaurus and change it up a bit, just a suggestion. Oh and I wouldn't capitalize the word date and use an exclamation point. One or the other is fine.



I personally like the word "eldritch" as a replacement for weird. It has a nice "old" sound to it, and it has some linguistic connections to "elf" (from Middle English elfriche - fairyland).

Cheers!
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Postby wizardahz » Tue May 22, 2007 4:40 pm

I posted the Art for Music At The Wizards rest it gives a glimpse at the inside of the bar it is from a old hand drawn sketch, Will get back to the story shortly Tim
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