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Loss

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Loss

Postby berry » Tue Jan 26, 2010 3:53 pm

I am experimenting with different approaches to fantasy. Any crit and/or comments welcome.


I had been walking with little purpose other than the movement itself. My eyes fell upon the details of my surroundings but the information so dutifully relayed to my brain was ignored. I was aware only of the hard surface my feet fell upon, of the air that sought out the uncovered parts of my body and chilled them. My grief took the place of all other sensations, changing the greens of the park to from pleasurable to meaningless, the shapes of nature from intricate to featureless. All I felt was the heaviness of my loss, the only thing clear to me, his face. Other living things seemed to feel discomfort around me, they did not recoil but simply changed direction not wanting to be tainted by the misery that seemed to cloud my form.
Soon my legs took me from the park, no longer comfortable with the quiet solitude, something in me sought out life, not enough to be part of it but enough to want it near. As my consciousness surfaced again I found myself in the towns main shopping area, a paved pedestrian cross of streets with little pools of green here and there for the weary or the waiting. I moved to one of these and sat on a bench. I watched as everyday tasks and errands moved people in and out of my vision which was centred along the street leading to the pier. It formed a natural gathering place for those who still had something to say to their neighbours.
After a while I became aware that someone was speaking, I was no longer alone on the bench. First glance showed a woman surrounded by shopping bags and seemingly talking to herself and so my mind drifted back to my quiet lonely world. A small voice in my head urged me to inspect my companion again, a feeling that something was not quite right with the situation. I turned but I was alone, my head turned a fraction more to the dedication on the bench, though I read the words, little happened in my brain, it simply did not know how to process the information. Etched into the brass plate was my name and the date. My mind was still struggling with what it saw when a woman's voice said "it comes around quickly doesn't it?" like a hypnotist had with snapping fingers awakened me from a trance I was suddenly aware. The woman was beside me again, what I had taken for shopping bags now seemed to be some sort of intangible mist, it had areas of denser mist that wreathed around the woman's legs, for a moment there appeared to be several panther like creatures but I could not focus on them. Then a horrible sensation of uncertainty crept over me like pins and needles. My confusion had robbed me of my voice so I simply stared at her. "So shall we go?" she asked as though there had been some lengthy discussion. I was holding myself steady even though my body seemed to trying to inch away from her. The mist gathered and the creatures within it began to to nudge my leg gently. The air itself seemed to thicken around us dampening the sounds of the street, it felt like I were on stage and slowly each prop was being silently wheeled away.
"Oblivion...it is what you wish, isn't it?" I can always tell. Let me take you where you can be at peace." Part of me felt like it was reaching out for her, so desperate for peace that the mere sound of the word gave me comfort and made me want out abandon all reason. Reason however, came like a customer entering an old shop, it nudged the little bell in the doorway of my mind and came in. Fear and confusion still had my tongue, so I shook my head and looked away from her. "You have something of value but you have no use for it any more. Supply and demand my child there are others that could use it." I turned towards towards her again “Use what?” Her head tilted and then came a slow gentle smile, something in that smile, that confident salesman's smile sparked panic, I stood quickly, the mist receded and world returned with all its noise and colour. Her hand reached for me but a quick step backwards and she missed. Her head twisted towards me and again the slow smile "I'll wait...if you like" we continued to stare at each other as I backed away. I knew that offer was real and with that realization came the other, that I was not willing or ready to loose myself as I had him. I turned away eventually but could feel that smile hovering just out of sight.
Colour and sensation were slow to return to my life like spring trying to bloom to early but each time I passed that bench the figure was there. The strange mist wreathed around its legs with the indescribable intangible creatures sometimes adding their own weight to her stare. Not always the same face but always with that slow gentle smile and the twist of the head and I knew that there were terrible things waiting. Waiting for you to give up, and they had infinite patience.
Last edited by berry on Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Loss

Postby Ariel » Sun Mar 14, 2010 12:48 pm

Very interesting Berry!!
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Re: Loss

Postby The Blind Guardian » Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:10 pm

Hi Berry

This was an interesting read. I’m not sure if this is just a short little excerpt to a bigger picture, but I found myself wanting to know why he(or she?) was in such a predicament, and what this “loss” was. Perhaps you could expand on that a bit. I like the uncertainty with which this piece ends – she leaves, but apparently not for good.

I like the surreal way in which this is written. It gives it almost a poetic quality which ads to the mystique. I would urge you to read this aloud and see if it sounds right to your ears. There were some parts that read strange to me. I’ll see if I can point some out below. I also recommend you check for spelling and typing errors, as they will slow readers down. This is a good first draft, but I’d really like to see it expanded.

I’ve marked a few specific suggestions below.
 “I had been walking…” I’d change this to reflect active verbs “I walked with little purpose…” keep an eye on your active and passive tenses.
 “something in me sought out life, not enough to be part of it but enough to want it near.” I like hat line.
 The part about your head turned a fraction more to the dedication on the bench confused me. I had to read it about three times. I didn’t know the bench had a brass plate, either. Making it “a brass plate” rather than “the brass plate” might make it abit easier.
 .”… some sort of intangible mist,” end the sentence and begin a new one here.
 Maybe combine the above sentence with the next. “Some sort of intangible mist wreathed around the woman's legs,” then end the sentence.
 You’re using a lot of uncertain words “seemed to” “felt like” and so on. This is really happening, this is how he feels. You don’t need it to “seem” you need it to “be.” (I love using the words seemed to also though.)
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