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Mind & Machine: Cover Text and Prologue

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Mind & Machine: Cover Text and Prologue

Postby Nightender » Tue Mar 22, 2011 11:15 am

I've seen so many novel excerpts up, so I thought I would put up some of my modern science fiction novel, Mind & Machine. Any thoughts, ideas, or comments would be most welcome.

First, my cover text:

He called himself Commander, setting aside his name, his life, and his identity to take on the conspiracy that experimented on him. Once his battle began, Commander’s real weakness was exposed—his unrequited love for a woman named Kathryn.

In order to survive, Commander will have to face things he’s never imagined. Libraries filled with histories that haven’t happened yet, monsters made with forgotten technology, ancient feuds between secret societies, not to mention the conspirators he’s already attacked.

But to succeed, he might have to give up his quest for vengeance and any chance he might have with Kathryn.


Now for my prologue. It's short, and the only part of the book in first person. I do this to establish Commander's mindset:


Prologue

Kathryn had pulled her hair into a black clip. Only a pair of spiral locks fell free, framing the sides of her face. She’d mentioned it had taken a long time for her to get her hair to curl like that.
When one of classmates came up behind Kathryn and took out the clip, I couldn’t help feeling a surge of rage. It’s not that I didn’t like her hair down—quite the contrary. Getting her hair to curl was something she'd spent a lot of effort on.
As her hair fell free, Kathryn only had a moment to keep all her hard work from blending in with the rest of her auburn hair. Her hands went up to her temples, each capturing a spiral curl. Her reflexes kept everything from falling apart, but in order to put her hair back the way she wanted it she needed help.
I don’t know why I did it exactly, but I knew that, after all the work she’d put into doing her hair, Kathryn would be irritated for the rest of the day. So I stepped forward and took the spiral curls out of her hands. I looked at her face while she bundled the rest of her hair together once more and clipped it back into place.
I’d love to say that she smiled at me and, from there, I eventually got the opportunity to go out with her. I won’t say that because it didn’t happen that way.
There was a moment after Kathryn had clipped her hair back into place, but before I let go. Our eyes met, barely, and I felt something like a rush of blood going from my right hand to my left. I didn’t feel the sensation anywhere else, just in my hands, each on one side of her head.
Her thoughts were filled with a single idea aimed directly at me. “You can let go now.”
Once I let go, I realized Kathryn didn't say anything. I looked at her and she at me. There was gratitude in her heart and I studied her lips. They stayed in place even though she said, “Thank you.” That's when I started to see what I could do.
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Re: Mind & Machine: Cover Text and Prologue

Postby Xyster » Wed Mar 23, 2011 2:42 pm

Interesting read, makes me curious about the Commander, but also gives nice insight into his normal personality. I'm assuming this is normal since it seems to be a fairly everyday slice of life.

I'm getting that he's somehow able to read minds or thoughts or something? It's probably clarified more later in the book, but is a bit iffy here for me.

I might replace There was gratitude in here heart and I studied her lips. with something like I sensed the gratitude in her heart as I studied her lips.

This is just a persoanl preference, but it makes it clearer that he is interpreting her feelings in an unusual way to set it appart and make it more obvious.

Otherwise I like the voice so far. I would like to see more to get a feeling where this is going, and since this is the only first person section of the book it would be awesome to see the rest to get a feel for your voice and how it comes across.
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Re: Mind & Machine: Cover Text and Prologue

Postby Nightender » Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:17 am

I'm a strong believer in starting stories with at least a strong degree of normalcy. If nothing else, it allows a reader a better chance to relate to what's happening.

The next chapter has a bit more action and I'll post it soon.
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