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Star Child

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Star Child

Postby pixibubbles » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:07 pm

OK
So here's the first bit of star child. It's been through half a dozen stages of editing and through the hands of quite a few people who know their stuff and think it's ready to go (at least once I stop putting off the synopsis lol) but I still can't help questioning it, so would appreciate some feedback.

And to those lovely people who have already welcomed me here- please don't be nice just coz I'm all shy. I've spent 6 years as a professional writer so have a blooming thick skin when it comes to writing criticism.
Better to get the brutal honesty while there's time to address it

Thanks in advance to anyone taking the time to read and comment.

xx Pixi




The Beginning
The water curled around her like a welcoming cat, humming and stroking her body as her strong arms cut a path through the moonlit water. Smiling she stood, shoulder deep in the molten silver and brushing wet hair from her catlike eyes. The water recognised her. Even after centuries of absence the water still remembered and welcomed her.
Wading to the pool edge, hair floating out behind her like the richest of silk cloaks, she called fire to the pile of sticks and dry leaves on the bank. Laughing with delight as they crackled and exploded into life she ran to feed larger, longer burning pieces to the fire, thanking the trees above for their gift of wood to warm her and the friendly shelter they offered her.
Stretching out by the fire she ran a polished wooden comb through her hair, luxuriating in the warmth of the fire as she dried. Everything was so alive here. She sighed happily, glad the council had finally allowed her to journey here. As she thought about the council her eyes were pulled towards the sky. Even with her eyesight, and knowing where to look, it was barely visible. What had been so bright and the cause of decades of discussions at home, was almost non-existent here.
Shaking out the hair that was beginning to take on the same glow as the fire that dried it, she stared across the silvery lake, hearing noises that anyone lacking her sharp ears would miss. It was good to be here. No matter what the Elders at home argued, it felt too good to be anything but right. This place was so different. So full of life, energy and passion, that it was almost overwhelming. It was full of death too, but rather than overshadowing everything, it added to the splendour. Life here was more fleeting, more precious and that made each moment here brighter and richer than the last. Death was a part of life here, making it all the more worth living.
Unable to contain her joy any longer she leaped up, spinning in a circle and laughing out loud as the golden leaves decorating the floor span up around her in a crazy welcoming dance. The fire sneaked out in glowing tendrils to curve around her body in their own twisting waltz. It was good to be here.
She paused, stretching. In the season she had been here, her curiosity had grown to almost unbearable amounts, as had her need. It was unsurprising. She was the first Raidhonur, or traveller as they called them in this world, to be born in three centuries. The first child to be birthed since the giving of the Great Prophecy of Hope, and her birth had been in the same hour that the Great Star appeared in the sky.
Fingering the strange birthmark at the hollow of her neck she smiled, feeling her fingers tingle. Paler than the rest of her skin, and almost pure white, the birthmark was the shape of a perfect star. The same star that guided her, and had named her. Kinaria, she was literally the child of the star.
It was not just a name that the star had given her. It had also gifted her with powers almost beyond belief, even among her people. She was able to call any of the elements to her and manipulate them to do her bidding, and more importantly, spin them together and open the Chameleon Gateway and travel between worlds, stepping through the barrier that had separated the two worlds since the end of the Bloody Wars.
The barrier had been created by the human mages to end the vicious fighting over three centuries ago. None could really remember what had started the wars, only that they had lasted for decades and that many unspeakable acts had been committed and much blood spilled.
But the barrier that had ended the Bloody War had brought unpredictable problems.
In their world magic would die. People would become disillusioned, greedy and angry. They would rip the world apart in search of her treasures and build paths of stone and water throughout her. In the future they would send metal birds into the sky and horseless carts travelling across the world, filling it with choking smoke until everything, even they the humans themselves, died, choked by their own progress, blown apart by their wars and starved by their own greed. All this had been foreseen. And it was already beginning, with the humans turning on each other, fighting, killing and warring over possessions and land.
Her world would fair no better. It would die along with its sister. Without the passion and life of the human world, without their magic and faith, her world would become barren. It was already beginning with crops growing weaker and children being born less often, and those that were often died young, weak and sickly. For the first time in memory they knew fear. But then the prophecy had been given, bringing back hope as its words spread throughout the land. It had been etched into her mind since her birth.

When two worlds, by struggle and war are parted,
Know that the worse has yet to be started.
For as their world will die, strangled by greed,
The end of all magic, will have been put to seed.
With magic as needed by us as air
Heed this warning, and all beware.

When the new Great Star flames across the sky,
Strain your ears for a new birthed cry,
For she who will be marked by the star
Must leave this world and travel afar.

She must follow the Wyrd that lies in her heart
That the peace between worlds may finally restart,
For her Wyrd will set her apart from the rest
In this she is cursed. In this she is blessed.

Her eyes drifted shut as the power of the words coursed through her body, and she knew it was time to move on. She didn’t know how, or when, or even if, she would bring the prophecy about, only that she would follow her Wyrd, her fate, and her heart, to the answer.
Closing her eyes again she began to meditate, copper gold lights gathering around her as she cleared her mind of all thoughts and possible distractions. Concentrating only on the beating of her heart, she breathed deeply, listening to the secrets of her soul.
Opening her eyes suddenly she reached for her pack and pulled out a deep green crystal attached to a silver chain. It was the only thing she had risked bringing from home. But the risk was worth it. Dangling it across her left palm she softly asked “where?” Slowly the crystal began to glow and spin in a circle, before suddenly freezing in its path, straining at its chain. Satisfied she returned the crystal to its pouch and re-tied her pack closed. “North it is then.”
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Re: Star Child

Postby Ariel » Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:40 pm

That was awesome! MORE! :D
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Re: Star Child

Postby pixibubbles » Fri Oct 21, 2011 5:32 am

Really?
That's it? No critique, corrections, suggestions?
It's really OK as it?
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Re: Star Child

Postby Asp Zelazny » Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:38 pm

While I'm not a fan of fantasy, I thnk it is very well written, and seems to open intriguing concept for development. It really does want to make you know what happens next.
There a couple of very minor stylistic points that I noted that I would offer for improvement, and this of course is purely subjective --- there are several instances where you repeat the same noun or adjective within a sentence or two, and in those circumstances perhaps a synonym might add more flavor.

For example:
line 1 "The water curled around her .... cut a path through the moonlit water" -- perhaps replaced with ... the liquid moonlight.
line 15 "The first child to be birthed .... and her birth had been in the same hour ..." perhaps The first child to appear (?)
similarly, you repeat the word barrier several time in a row a few lines down. Perhaps either capitalizing it, or some expanive or defining synonyms could help.
the birthmark as "a perfect star" is somewhat jarring ... what is a perfect star as a shape? a pentagram, a 6 pointed star? a single point of light? It broke the flow of the story when I came to that.

But all and all, I liked it; much better than what I could write, and I applaud you for it.
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Re: Star Child

Postby pixibubbles » Fri Oct 21, 2011 3:20 pm

Thanks for the time you took reading and the comments.
Edits now made to my version.
And I'm only blushing slightly at having missed the barrier one- It's only a huge part of the next book. The whole Great Barrier thing. *smacks head*

Seriously though, thanks for the comments. They really are very much appreciated. Especially from sources who i don't share christmas dinner with!b It's a long, long, long time since I've written anything that wasn't business jargonese, and it's reassuring to know i might actually be able to write still.

Still editing the rest though, so... sorry lol
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Re: Star Child

Postby Ariel » Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:36 am

pixibubbles wrote:Really?
That's it? No critique, corrections, suggestions?
It's really OK as it?


Would it help if I said I am hard to please? I browse forever in bookstores and online to find something that will hold my attention. Often I take a risk and find ok it's a good story but if it isn't well written, I put it down and forget about it. I love your style. So...MORE please!
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Re: Star Child

Postby nightlock » Mon Oct 24, 2011 2:35 am

pixibubbles wrote:Really?
That's it? No critique, corrections, suggestions?
It's really OK as it?



I rarely have time to look at other writers, but when I do I usually have to nitpick. I always see something that I would do differently, or that could confuse, or is superfluous, or too succinct. Not so today (apart from what Asp said).

You wax lyrically, and you should not stop it.
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Read New Awakenings

"This is here." :smt104
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