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Tonite we murder

Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 6:28 am
by shootbootleg

We were waiting about 5 hours plus minutes, several, when it hit me: this wasn't supposed to happen. All of this isn't what it seems.
I stopped biting my nails for a second to see Sandoz still hit-hating the wheel in this horrifying melody, you know, like the cavalry is coming.

- Good God man, five hours had passed.
- Almost six. So what?
- This is driving me crazy.
- We need to be at our best. I don't care you're quitting. If so, do your best this last time.

Back at the job. A 6-story building on the west of Vermin City. Not a nice place at all.
- They are five of them. Plus Mickey. – I needed to take my pills.
- Fine. You take the lefties I'll take care of the righties. Ok? What are the pills for?
- My stomach. Ok man.
Sandoz put his headphones and the drama could begin. I could hear „Big Girls Don't Cry“ screaming out his headphones.
So we politely knocked. Our man, Mickey opened the door. The game could unveil.
Five of them, playing poker suddenly stood up trying to grab their guns. My lefties seemed somewhat faster than Sandoz's.
- Shoot 'em in the knees – Sandoz yelled out.
– Big girls don't cry, they don't cry... – he was singing along as I slapped Mickey's ugly face around, using him as a shield while Sandoz shoot the poor bastards' knee caps. You wanna make a grown man cry? Just slap him thoroughly a few times, you'll see him sob in no time.
- Mickey, Mickey... Why?
- Why what? Leave... leave me alone...
- Alone? No, no, no man... He he he, we're here for the party. – I grabbed him by his balls so he grasped for air.
- No, they don't cry... ha ha ha. – Sandoz was singing, and our two faces were the only smiling cheek to cheek. And who would blame the poor bastards. Never knew what they hit them.
All of them on the ground, trying to stop the bleeding, grabbing their knees, ankles and guts all around the room were a nice lil' picture and amused Sandoz.
- Well, now... When we got that covered, - he put out his headphones, - I wanna know, which of you pervs is *beep* my boss’s niece.
He pointed the gun at each of them, one at a time. From left to right, all of them were like frightened turtles trying to hide their heads. So, again, he slapped the first one.
- Is it you? – slapped him again. The five fingers showing on the face made him do it again. – Well, is it?
I lit a cigarette and kicked Mickey so he fell on his back. I winked at him. Seemed that hurt and frightened him more than the kick.
- Is it you? – Sandoz turned to the next guy, slapped him some more. Then the next, until we had all of the poker team on the floor, bleeding and crying out for mammas like little children... – I know it's you prick boy, I just wanted to see if your friends would squeel on ya.
He put the gun in the middle-guys mouth.
- Bite on it. I know you want to. – The guy hesitated. Bit on it and looked at the gun, cross-eyed.
- Should I bring old Spitty? – I asked.
- Probably. I had my fun. Now it's time to do some work. Finally.
I ran down the stairs and as I was coming back up, from the room next to Mickey’s, on the left, the room 105, a girl was crying out for help. Will see to it after. So I put down the case where it said: ITW Spit Spitfire P370 PAT Cartridge Gun with Magazine. A tough lil’ gun, with ten nails in its cartridge.
One nail fired each second.
- Here it is.
- Okay, everybody tongues out and on the poker table.

I had this written in Croatian a while back, so now here it is translated. It's a work in progress and all suggestions are welcome. And I hope I've put it in the right place, cuz this isn't a SF story.

Re: Tonite we murder

Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 7:37 am
by Bmat
I can't find "envail" in my dictionary.

It moves well, and it catches the reader's interest.

Quite chilling.

You've done a good job of presenting a violent episode that is made all the more shocking because of the music that is being heard. I'm not sure if it is supposed to be a complete story or just a scene from one. There doesn't seem to be a build up to a strong climax. But please don't take my word for this, violence isn't my preferred reading.

Re: Tonite we murder

Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 9:33 am
by shootbootleg
Sorry for the "envail" thingy.
This is suppoussed to be a bit I'm writing about two contract killers one of which has decided to retire from all of the work.
And there are several storied within the story of how they met, first killings, last one and the nervous awaiting in the car I wrote on the beginning. Believe it or not, there's a love story within. So there's not only violence after all. Currently doing some checkin up on the Croatian ver, so as soon as I'm done, I'll post more. Hope you'll enjoy it.