The Precious Coins of Zeke Leeroy Breckinridge

General fiction short stories not related to Science Fiction, Fantasy, or Horror.

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Gozer
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The Precious Coins of Zeke Leeroy Breckinridge

Post by Gozer »

I posted this on another forum in response to a prompt, but as I wrote it I got a bit carried away and now I'd like to share it. It's a short little story about a guy who drops $200 worth of coins on the floor of a bank. Please enjoy.
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"OH FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF CRAP!"

The sound of Zeke's curse echoed through the lobby of the bank, accompanied shortly afterward by the jingle of two-hundred dollars worth of coins scattering across the smooth tiled floor. Zeke Leeroy Breckinridge stood for a moment and watched the innumerable quarters bounce and roll about his Nikes, his blue eyes filling with tears beneath scrunched eyebrows.

"My word..." whispered an elderly woman, holding her hairless Chihuahua closer.

Zeke ignored the comment and quickly crouched to the floor, his dirty sneakers squeeking against the tiles. Frantically he proceeded to grab at the quarters. He managed to grab those that were still rolling, but his fingers wriggled futiley at the ones that lay flat. They slid away from his fat fingertips the more he tried to grip their thin, ridged edges.

"My fingernails....they are too short!" he screamed in aguish. His afro of curly red hair jiggled slightly as he spazzed. Teller and customer alike stared at the crying man.

"Er...excuse me, sir?" said one of the tellers, a young blond. "Please keep your voice down. This is a bank." The elderly woman's Chihuahua barked in agreement.

Zeke looked up, his chubby face twisted in a mixture of distress and annoyance, "I KNOW this is a bank! Someone, please, for the love of God, help me with my money!"

To this the elderly woman responded, "Well, if you weren't so rude..."

"SHUT UP!"

Zeke returned his attention to the grid of flat quarters in front of him. Carefully he guarded them with his arms from the kicking feet of passerbys. If he couldn't have his quarters, nobody could.

A figure entered the bank through the swinging glass doors, a man dressed in Army fatigues and a black ski mask. Over his upper torso he wore a flak jacket and a bandolier, and firmly gripped in his black gloved hands was a M16 machine gun. For a moment nobody noticed his entrance.

"Alright, everybody stick 'em up. NOW!" ordered the masked man. Immediatly the entire bank had its collective arms raised. Young and old, male and female, all shivered in fear at the heavily armed robber. All except Zeke, who was deeply concerned with his precious quarters. However, the robber didn't notice this and sauntered over to the counter towards the blond teller.

"Say sweets, how about giving me all the money in the bank," said the robber quietly. His ski mask moved slightly as he spoke.

"Please sir..." the young woman stammered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm not in charge here..." She sobbed.

The robber raised the muzzle of his gun towards the glass, "Quit cryin' or I'll blow your pretty face off. Make with the money. NOW."

"But..."

Another man entered the bank, a man dressed identically to the robber except his ski mask was red and was topped with a pink beret. In his left arm he held a shotgun.

"Hey Joe, what's takin' so long?!"

The black-masked robber spoke over his shoulder, "This *beep* is givin' me trouble."

"Blow her head off."

"No no, please!"

"WILL EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO PICK UP MY COINS!"

The bank was dead silent for five seconds. Hostages exchanged looks as the two robbers looked around for the source of the outcry. It took them several moments to notice Zeke Leeroy Breckinridge, squatting in khaki shorts with a pool of quarters around his feet. His Dragonball Z T-shirt stetched about his stout frame as he feebly tried to grip the flat surfaces of the coins.

The two robbers strode towards him. Zeke didn't look up even as their shadows were cast over the gleaming quarters.

"What did you say, kid?" said the beret-wearing robber.

Zeke let out an exasperated sigh of annoyance, "Jeez! Nobody's helping me pick up my coins!"

The two robbers looked at each other, then back down at Zeke. The black-masked robber replied, "I think you need to be taught a lesson in respect. You don't just talk to us like--"

"Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate!"

"Hey, kid, I'd knock that *beep* off if I was you. We don't got no qualms blowin' away--"

"Gosh, I said SHUT UP! Move, you're in my light!" demanded Zeke, still looking at the quarters. The quarters became displaced, sliding across the floor as he tried to grab them with his blunt fingers. He paused for a moment to bring them all back to the center for another try.

The two robbers stared at the young man.

"Whoa kid, you got problems."

"I'll say. Check out his shirt. Bet he's a virgin."

"Haha, I bet. Yeah, he's got problems all right. But now he's got a more immediate problem. He's got two robbers pointing guns at him right now, and if he doesn't shut up, they're gonna spray the floor with his brains."

"And he's gonna die a virgin. You hear that, kid? You gonna die."

The lines of tellers and customers stared in horror and wonder at the spectacle. Even the old lady's Chihuahua was cowering within its owner's silver beehive, its small head poking out and staring wide-eyed at the two robbers and Zeke. But Zeke was oblivious. Grunting, he continued his attempts at recovering his coins.

The black-masked robber spoke, "I can't believe this guy. Hey, you even listen' to us, boy?"

Zeke obviously was not.

"I said hey!"

Nothing.

"I'm tired of this. Haa!" With a sweep of his booted right foot, the black-masked robber kicked at the quarters, sending them flying across the bank floor. They rolled in different directions, bouncing against feet and wall. Zeke watched as his precious quarters disappeared into the far corners of the lobby.

"Heheh, you sure showed him, Joe."

The black-masked robber stood over Zeke. "Yeah, now you gonna listen to us? Or should I kick yer ugly face?"

"Hahah, yeah kid. Don't ignore us, okay? We'll mess you up."

"Get up and shut up, kid."

The robbers laughed as Zeke crouched there, mouth agape. They didn't notice when Zeke drew his hands into white-knuckled fists. They didn't notice when his breathing became heavy and slow. They didn't even notice when he stood up and glared at them, his face a deep crimson.

But they noticed when he grabbed one of them and threw him against the wall. With a loud crack, the black-masked robber became embedded in the wall, a web of cracks eminating from the impact point. The robber groaned as he fell from the wall and onto the ground, unconcious.

"Ho...Holy *beep*..." stammered the beret-wearing robber. He stared at his accomplice, no doubt an expression of shock beneath his mask. His attention turned to Zeke, who advanced toward him with slow, deliberate steps. Zeke's face was scrunched in blind rage, snot dribbling from his piggish nose, his mouth twitching as he mumbled incoherently. Raising the shotgun, the remaining robber backed away.

"Now...you just...you just back off, okay!? You just stay away! Stay away!"

"You...kicked...my...coins...." growled Zeke. He clenched and unclenched his fists and continued towards the robber.

"D...Don't make me shoot you! STAY BACK!"

"Kaaaaa...."

"Get away from me!"

"Meeeee....."

"Kid, back off!"

"Haaaaaa....."

"You crazy *beep*!"

"Meeeeeeeee......"

"Someone help me!"

"HAAAAAAAAAA!"

With a mighty cry, Zeke rushed the robber and lifted him over his afro'd head. The shotgun dropped to the floor as Zeke spun the villain around for several seconds before launching him through the glass and into the street outside. The robber bounced and rolled across the street before laying still, groaning in pain as a car screeched to a stop to avoid running him over.

And then the bank was quiet again. Everyone stared at the panting Zeke, his shoulders rising and falling with each breath. The face of Goku swelled and contracted on Zeke's chest, gradually stopping as Zeke calmed down. The entire bank gaped as he wiped the tears and snot from his face, ran his fingers through his red curles, and straightened his shirt. After several minutes of composing himself, he spoke.

"Now...." he took a breath, "Will SOMEONE please help me pick up my quarters?"

The entire bank immediatly came forward and dropped to the floor.

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Neurolanis
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Post by Neurolanis »

LOL! Nice ending. :wink:

But I must confess the story has the following problems:

-I didn't find the bank robbers believable enough, even for a comedic story (if that's the intention.) They seem wayyy too calm while their adrenalin should be pumping from fear and anxiety; this act could be the ruin of them.

-The way the robbers come in ... it needs more description. The way it's written they just come in to rob the bank like a leaf drifting in the door. It shouldn't just be mentioned, it should intrude upon the story.

-You know what, ha has don't work in written text. Not even in speech. I can't explain why, it just doesn't. Either say he laughs or leave it.

-I didn't find it believable the way the people reacted to the guy with the gun. You're in a busy bank, some guy behind you somewhere starts yelling. You don't quite hear what he says, you don't quite believe it otherwise. Those who saw the gun might scream or duck to the floor, and others would gradually follow. It would not bo so orderly.

-I didn't believe in the character of Zeke at all, until the end, because it's funny enough to partially justify it.


Good luck in the future. :)

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