Loneliness is like that

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SFNovelwriter
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Loneliness is like that

Post by SFNovelwriter »

A leaf falls from the tree settling slowly to the ground
The star streaks across the night sky
Beautiful but without as much as a sound
Many eyes watch it and make a wish
I sit watching, smile and simply ask why?
Like a disease deep in the soul
What hurts can make you cry, lose control
Make you feel like your dying inside
Like on a road lost in time
Loneliness is like that.


Another candle on your birthday cake, another year in the past
Birthdays and laughter presents and cheer
All simply moments over too soon
Like the spring it just doesn’t last
When they are gone your still alone
No one to share, a smile or even your tears
So alone you sit contemplating yet another year
While as a solitary tear makes it way down a well traveled path
Loneliness is like that.

That awkward feeling of a party of one
Watching couples having their fun
Children’s laughter mommies and daddies
An old man helping his aged wife in their Caddy
A life of devotion, rings and words spoken
But to some, it’s the pet that gives the love
Loneliness is like that.

Curling up with a good book
Harlequin is your friend,
A hot bath, an email laugh
It’s all good that’s what you say
The fifth wheel at most parties
Even going out with the girl’s happens less
As family, children, and their events get in the way
Once strong friendships drift away
Loneliness is like that

The gym holds few prospects as one gets older
Laugh lines mark a once happy smile
As young beauties get the looks, you the cold shoulder
An aunt to many, all say you’d be a great mom
Singles cruises are fun the first time
And the internet, hell one has to pass the time
At least lave a little fun
So its long walks on beaches
And frozen dinners for one
A warm cozy bed when the day is done
Half filled but I control the remote
But I’d give that up for some love and devotion
So now I wish on that star for something more
What a notion I never would have thought
Loneliness is like that.
Fairy's and Dragons are real, if you believe.

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SchoolTheOld
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Post by SchoolTheOld »

I hope you don't object to some criticism...if you do, just tell me, and I'll leave it well enough alone. I'm by no means an expert :S

I haven't read very deeply into this poem, nor printed it out or anything like that...but it seems like there isn't a lot of connection between the stanzas, either in structure, or in wording. The only framing I see is the reference to stars on either end, which is a good touch.

I also have a problem connecting your four similes in the first stanza. A falling leaf, a shooting star, a disease, and a lost road, all of which you compare loneliness to. I don't think that's very clear.

It might be possible to connect the wish of the first stanza to a wish on the additional candle in the 2nd, and dying to the advancing of age? Although not the main point, the poem could give the impression of advancing age through the poem.

The structure of the 2nd stanza is completely different again to the 1st. The 3rd returns more to the original idea, I think, and so does the 4th. The 5th again, is different.

Of course, it is your poem, and it's not really my place to say anything ;)

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