When We Become One

Share your poems with our readers.

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SpookyKatie
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When We Become One

Post by SpookyKatie »

God I'm in a sappy mood! Here is another poem!

When We Become One
By SpookyKatie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we become one, love will be in the air and two hearts will sing as one.
When we become one, our vision will clear then we will see things we never knew were so near.
When we become one, we will say the things we always feared to say before.
When we become one, our life will start anew hand in hand walking into the clear blue.
When we become one, Is the day I wait for to tell you I love you and then for you to say "I love you too." Then on that day we will be one.
Iron Skirt Kate, SV's very own super villain.
Art is love, love is art **Up-Date**

And take that old dusty road over to my blog!

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Magus
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Post by Magus »

This isn't my kind of poem... too "romantic", as in the literary movement, not necesarilly as in love itself.

What I find with this is that your meter's off. This gives it an awkward feel when reading it. You might want to go back and revise it so that it reads more naturally. Also, use punctuation to direct your poem and help set it's direction. As it stands now, the lines and words seem to jam into one another. By directing the reader's pace and eye you can have the prose flow as you wish it, and read as you know it ought to be read.

Those are my suggestions, anyway. It was a pretty good poem, just not one that meets with my tastes, which tend to be more "British Gothic" or "Dark Romantic".

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Neurolanis
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Post by Neurolanis »

I liked it, SpookyKatie! Ignore Magus, he's anti-sappy. :lol:

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Lets us all be one!

Post by SFNovelwriter »

Well I liked it and as for comments about the meter, I'm not into the metric system. I just like it and poetry is not always defined. There are many forms for it to take, and some or just defined by the writer if it was all the same it would be lame. I liked it as for the grammar, they may be right as I'm the run on sentance king!
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t_tibke
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Post by t_tibke »

I agree w/ Magus... some. Good topic, good use of word, a little jammy and "un-paced" or too fast paced to fit your mood.
T_Tibke

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Magus
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Post by Magus »

See? See??

Listen to your friendly neighborhood Magus.

:wink:

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