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Her Name Was Fate

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Her Name Was Fate

Postby Ookar » Tue Jul 18, 2006 10:33 pm

Hi, I'm new here, and just wanted to post a poem. I plan on giving advice if I can on other ppls poems and short stories, but not sure if they want advice... Either way I do, so any comments on whatever would be helpful, thanks.

Her Name Was Fate

He drank away time,
Pondered his days,
waited for fate to show her face.
Eyes that would trap his soul,
a smell that soothed.

She never came.

He drowned in a pool of sorrow.
Gambled his life,
won riches,
still fate denied him.

Dark hole grew,
no woman could fill.

He quested out into nature,
where trees loomed,
black, and decrepit.
Here he found her,
A light that could only flicker.

He couldn’t understand,
how his fate could be dyeing.

She whispered in his ear,
You let the world in your heart,
forgot the boy you once were.

He realized his jaded mind,
and societies bind;
Found he was hiding from fate all this time.
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Postby thegreentick » Tue Jul 18, 2006 10:42 pm

A couple grammatical hiccups, but this is poetry! Who cares about grammar? I thought it was pretty good. Not much of a poet myself. This is your first post, eh? You should stop by the Meet and Greet forum and introduce yourself.

Don't forget to give your thoughts on other peoples' work.
"God is looking for spiritual fruits, not religious nuts."
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Postby Ookar » Tue Jul 18, 2006 11:01 pm

Thanks, and I followed your advice and posted in the greet section.
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Postby Grand Evander » Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:29 pm

I most certainly enjoyed reading the poem but agree with thegreentick that there are a few places where grammatical issues compromise the clarity of the piece.

She whispered in his ear,
You let the world in your heart,
forgot the boy you once were.


This stanza is essential to understanding the poem and yet there's some confusion because of the language. Perhaps "You let the world into your heart" would dispel the confusion. I would definitely go through the poem at least once to try to assure grammatical consistency and accuracy, since such errors can compromise flow.

With regard to content, I thought that there was a definite journey though question the logic of some of the stanzas.

He drowned in a pool of sorrow.
Gambled his life,
won riches,
still fate denied him.


I understand that fate is denying him her physical presence in this poem, but still the character is progressing through life. If he was idle and stayed at home all day waiting for this women, then maybe he would be evincing his fate. Yet, he seems to be living his life, earning riches and what have you. It hardly seems like he's hiding from fate, in fact, according to you, he's actively pursuing her.

This brings me to my major concern I have with this piece. I am wondering what is its intended message. I do not see the fate the man in the story is avoiding, and consequently do not understand how he's running from his fate. Also, the advice given to him by fate, and the man's consequent reaction, seem to be making a valuation about the purpose of life through criticizing society's effect upon him. The fact that he had to quest into the forest, away from civilization, further supports this conclusion. Yet, I am not seeing a valuation of his actions at the begiinning of this poem that prepare for this message. I personally see him as lonely in the poem more than anything else.

These are just some thoughts of mine to think about and they represent only my opinion. Thanks for sharing. :D
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Postby aldan » Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:00 am

The only true grammatical hiccup, as was mentioned before, that stood out to me was your use of the word 'dyeing'... which is what you do to clothing and hair. If you wish to speak of death, say 'dying' instead, and you'll be correct. However, if you do want the word to be spelled 'dyeing' for a specific purpose, that is what poetry is about.

As for the way it was set up, the only other thing that I might say is that you do not need to put a period/comma/colon/semicolon after every line. Your use of capitalization and lack thereof takes care of informing the reader of complete thoughts, and in reading stanzas, the way they're set up causes the reader to pause at the end of each line, no matter how it ends, because the reader needs to shift view to the next line of the poem. Using the commas and other punctuation marks should be used for specific emphasis on lines, to really emphasize the importance of the portion the reader had just read.

As for other poetry to read, I've written a few, though not so recently. There are, however, three pages of poems posted here, so if you wish to see how I do things, take a look at them and perhaps it will help you. One of the nicest things about writing poems is that the specific structure of the poem isn't set in stone, but rather it allows for a lot of variety in how it's approached. I think that you may see that in some of my poems, how with some, I've bound it rather strictly in meter or in rhyme (or both), while with others there is not the strictness and with still others, I've started with a specific meter and then to emphasize something, I've broken from the meter. For me, poetry is fun to write (even though the topics aren't always so fun...), and I wish you luck and happiness in your use of it!
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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