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Too Small A Castle

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Too Small A Castle

Postby Chaeronia » Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:11 pm

Hello. I'm not a poet, not at all; I've perhaps completed four in my life, it just happens that two of them were written in the past three days. An acquired taste then? Anyway, I'm unsure of everything in this poem, from the structure (too disjointed?) to the word usage (too obvious?), to the length (surely too long?), but I thought I'd use it to test the poetic waters.

Thank you kindly for any comments.

**

Too small a castle:

I want you and I don't,
I'd have you but I won't.
It's been too long
I've missed the boat
Stayed too still,
Beneath this coat
Of fear and loathing.
Coward's clothing
I've used to hide
My pompous pride,
That once I used by shine of hearth,
To light my knowing and my righteous path,
From which I'd never hope to stray.
From where I'd smile, look back and say,
I lived my life with stoic guile,
Aloof and proud, while all the while,
The masses chased, surrendered to,
Their childish wants,
Their basest dues,
Their lack of self,
Their need to fuse,
Their symbiotic subterfuge.
That is how I used to see
This human race, this mystery,
This Greco tragi-comedy.

But now you're here,
My love and fear.

One second's theft was all it took,
Infectious smile, engaging look,
To hear the sound, the sonic clear,
The shatter of what I held dear,
Heard in every word you say,
Confirming errors of my way.
Every move you choose to make,
Destroys the road I chose to take.
My beliefs and my philosophy,
Rendered to redundancy.
I love you, yes, but shall not hope.
To be with you, I should not cope,
To start anew,
To live as two;
To share in all the things you do.
I'd be too scared of failing you.
An island man, no raft to float,
It's been too long,
I've missed the boat.
An island man, a coward's coat,
Too small a castle, too wide a moat.

**

Chaeronia
Last edited by Chaeronia on Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.
'There's a vampire, dad. It's trying to get me.'
'I know, son,' he said softly. 'I saw it.'
'You saw it?'
'Yeah. I broke its bloody neck. I won't have no vampires in my house.'
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Postby Bmat » Sun Jul 23, 2006 6:08 am

I never like to critique poetry since it is an intense work of art, but I can at least mention questions I had.

Let me start off by saying that I like the poem. It reads comfortably, and the message is very true to life, to my life.

The words seem well-chosen. I wondered about the punctuation in places. Once, anyway, I felt as if the sentence was very long.

I wonder if there should be a period instead of a comma at the end of the first line.

No punctuation after lines 2, 3, 4, and inserting a period after "loathing"- the reason I make this suggestion is that it seems comfortable to read these lines with a bit of faster pace that would be allowed by removing the punctuation and by closing the thought after loathing.

No comma after clothing.

The next several lines are where I felt the thought was too long to keep the feel of the poetic rhythm. I'm not sure where to suggest a period in this thought, maybe after "stray?"

I also wondered if it might make sense to add emphasis by leaving spaces after certain lines, perhaps after:

tragi-comedy
fear
redundancy
boat (third from last line)

This is all I can find to suggest, and since you are the artist, your thoughts are the most important. Furthermore, these are only one person's ideas.

It is fascinating how well you have captured the thoughts and feelings of a person in the situation. The sense of fear and yet the knowledge that there is something changed. The tentative joy of falling in love, the sadness... I wanted to shout "No, No!! You can do it! You aren't too alone!" It is a lovely poem, a poem about life. Congratulations.
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Postby Chaeronia » Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:07 am

Bmat,

Thank you for your response. Your grammatical advice was spot on, I think, and I've made the necessary changes. In terms of leaving the spaces, it's an interesting idea and I will mull it over. It certainly does add emphasis to those areas, and splits them up into more purposeful segments. I was thinking it might interrupt the simple aesthetic though, and make it feel a little forced? As I say, it's something I will think over.

Your reply in regards to the reading of the poem, its message, was very pleasing for me to read. I was afraid it was a little cloying; I didn't want it to feel self-pitying in any way, and hopefully I've avoided that, but I still wanted to convey the emotional thought process of being in this situation. Describing such emotion without overbearance is difficult, I think, so I was glad it resonated with you.

Regards,

Chaeronia
'There's a vampire, dad. It's trying to get me.'
'I know, son,' he said softly. 'I saw it.'
'You saw it?'
'Yeah. I broke its bloody neck. I won't have no vampires in my house.'
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Postby Bmat » Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:33 am

My pleasure.

Yes, "resonates" is a good word for it. I see the person, I feel the person's feelings. I ache for the person. I hope he, or she, reaches out and grasps what he yearns for. The poem brings a smile to my face, and tears.

Good point about the spaces. Without spaces there is more urgency, which does go along well with the thoughts that the speaker is having. If I were feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts, would I pause briefly at these places and feel the emotion during that instant. Or is my flow of feelings and thoughts so strong that I am carried along. Only the poet can know. :)

I don't feel self-pity in the poem at all. I see an introspective person who until now has been satisfied with his life and who has a certain confident self-image that was shattered. He is a bit uncertain, perhaps with even the slightest rueful bitterness. But no self-pity. I know that I am repeating myself, but I hope that he has the gumption to take action.
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Postby Ariel » Sun Jul 23, 2006 9:12 am

Wow! I loved this poem!!!!
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