The Contract (Mine)

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shootbootleg
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The Contract (Mine)

Post by shootbootleg »

He died & they burried him
& they cheered for him
& that was that
Plain & simple;
He had a gigantic house, with even more bigger backyard spilled with bones;
Of course there was a spouse, crying her eyes out even though she contacted me to kill him slowly;
had a dog, 2 children, 3 grandchildren
& one he tried to forget and neglected too much...
But she was there.
She was there when they drowned him 6 feet under the pale naked sky,
Holding a bloodles rose & threw it inside that hole of his.
He deserved it.






...I know it needs work, suggestions anyone???
"Sickness, insanity and death were the angels that surrounded my cradle and they have followed me throughout my life." -Edvard Munch-

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RHFay
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Post by RHFay »

Hi Shootbootleg!

Oh my, a poem about crime and death! :shock:

Actually, it's not a bad start. I would get rid of the "&" symbols and write "and" out. You could probably even ditch some of the "and"s alltogether.

For instance:

He died and then he was buried.
They cheered for him
And that was that.


You might not need "plain & simple" there as well. It seems a little redundant. You might be able to get something to nicely flow based on the pattern above. Or, if you do use "plain and simple", it would look like this:

He died and was buried.
They cheered for him
And that was that,
Plain and simple.


"Plain and simple" does indeed work in the stanza immediately above. Note that this is developing a pattern. You could carry this pattern through. It just needs some tweaking. (I actually like the first line "he died and was buried" , it has almost Biblical connotations. "He died and was buried, and on the third day He rose again from the dead".

(I do prefer the second stanza above, the one that starts "He died and was buried". This is the usual process to go through; work on it until you find what seems to work the best.)

You don't really need to use a specific pattern, but poetry often displays a pattern and rhythm.

You definitely lose any sort of pattern when you get to the longer lines. I would suggest paring them down, split some of them into two or more lines. If you could, follow a similar pattern in each line.

For instance:

"He had a gigantic house, with even more bigger backyard spilled with bones;"

Could be reworked as:

He had a gigantic house
And a bigger backyard
Spilled with bones.


See how "spilled with bones" gets more stress when the line is split up. You don't really need "even more"; "bigger" alone syas what you need to say.

Since this poem seems to be going for a bit of a "disturbing" feel, you don't necessarily need to follow the same pattern all the way through. A break in the pattern here or there may add to the "disturbing" feel, but it's possible to make it into several patterned stanzas if you like. Even if you don't break it up into stanzas, at least find some sort of pattern in your lines.

Yes, this is the same sort of process I tend to go through when I compose poetry. Often times I come up with an idea, and start writing down lines. I have to look for a pattern that works for that particular piece (like: "stanzas of seven lines, ten syllables each line"). I then stick to that pattern to finish the work. At other times, I have the ideas for the whole piece, but it needs tweaking to get that "poem" feel.

Try working on the pattern and flow of the piece. I bet if you do some rearranging and slight modifications, you'll have a pretty good piece there!

I hope this helped, and wasn't too confusing. A lot of the process of poetry composition, at least for me, is based on instinct, and plain old practice. Try different things with the piece until you get what feels right.

Cheers! :)
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.

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clknaps
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Post by clknaps »

I think "contacted" should be contracted and "bloodles" should be bloodless.

RHFay's comments were excellent, I can't offer much more. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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Post by Magus »

He died & they burried him
& they cheered for him
& that was that
Plain & simple;
I love those first four lines! They're a shining example of enjambment and pluralism. The only part of them that I would change is to put a comma after "that," in the third line, which would not only emphasise "plain & simple," but also flow better than enjambment would in that particular instance. I also very much like your use of "&" instead of "and;" I don't know why, but it seems to work better... somewhat like the shortened symbol is accenting the enjambment in a way.
He had a gigantic house, with even more bigger backyard spilled with bones;
Of course there was a spouse, crying her eyes out even though she contacted me to kill him slowly;
These two lines in particular didn't quite mesh with me. The lines are too long, which disrupts the short lines that came before it. You might have been trying to justapose the two of them together, but I think that continuing with the preestablished form you've already started would work better for the poem. Also, "more bigger" is grammatically incorrect; I'd suggest that it be changed to "with an even bigger." I suggest dividing it thusly,

"He had a gigantic house,
with an even bigger backyard
spilled with bones;
Of course there was a spouse,
crying her eyes out
even though she contacted me
to kill him slowly;"

This would do several things that I think would help the poem out. First, it makes that simple correction that I mentioned before. Second, it fits with the original style of the poem, but does something rather interesting that I didn't think when I started out doing this: it alternates slightly longer lines between slightly longer lines, a subtle effect that I think works nicely. The third line created from the two draws greater emphasis upon itself, further reinforcing the image of death. The same goes for the last line created above.
had a dog, 2 children, 3 grandchildren
& one he tried to forget and neglected too much...
But she was there.
She was there when they drowned him 6 feet under the pale naked sky,
Holding a bloodles rose & threw it inside that hole of his.
He deserved it.
I'd suggest making a series of changes here similar to what I mentioned above:

"had a dog,
2 children,
3 grandchildren
& one he tried
to forget
and neglected
too much...
But she was there.
She was there when they drowned him
6 feet under the pale naked sky,
Holding a bloodless rose
& threw it inside his hole.
He deserved it."

By giving them each a line of their own, it draws greater emphasis on his dog, children and grandchildren, respectively. The next line keeps the plurality you established earlier, by having the "&" start a line, and by making the "to forget and neglect" each their own line, you would then draw greater emphasis upon them. I offered a slight spelling correction, changing "bloodles" to "bloodless." Also, by changing "that hole of his" to "his hole," you can keep the syntax and diction most similar to what you already started.

Also, if you make three stanzas, using each section I broke down as the divided sections, you can draw greater emphasis upon each section, and, thus, the ideas that each present, for each one is a little different from the other.

Overall, this is a very good poem in which you show a great styalistic maturity (especially syntactically). All that I offered are suggestions that better highlight and accent what you already have. In total, the changes would look like this,

"He died & they burried him
& they cheered for him
& that was that,
Plain & simple;

He had a gigantic house,
with an even bigger backyard
spilled with bones;
Of course there was a spouse,
crying her eyes out
even though she contacted me
to kill him slowly;

had a dog,
2 children,
3 grandchildren
& one he tried
to forget
and neglected
too much...
But she was there.
She was there when they drowned him
6 feet under the pale naked sky,
Holding a bloodless rose
& threw it inside his hole.
He deserved it."

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