random poem from the mind of me

[FallenStars&Angels]

ok here's something i wrote awhile ago, i don't remember the exact inspiration, i was a having a rough time in a relationship...blahblahblah...can't think of what to call it or if it's even worth giving a title, comments and criticism greatly appreciated

There's no such thing as happiness,
When there isn't any rain,
There's no such thing as perfect love,
If there isn't any pain,
Pure silver's made of rusting gold,
And gold is made of lies,
The different sides of truth and love,
Can come as a surprise,
The candlelight can mask the words,
We really need to say,
When desperate to understand,
The inherent need to stay,
To stay someplace where nothing's left,
Where nothing comes out right,
To keep a life away from those,
You only see at night,
The rings are dented; tarnished,
But perfect in your dreams,
There's no such thing as normal,
When nothing's what it seems.

thanks if you read it at all, and if you tell me what's wrong with it and how to fix it

[Raye]

OOOh! i remember i think i helped you rhyme this one in chem. if you are who i think you are. . . .heh heh heh.

[Talon Sinnah]

Very nice poem....reminds me somewhat of what I am going through right now but we will not go into that. Very nice though.

[FallenStars&Angels]

thank you talon sinnah, i hope stuff works out for you, whatever it is! (usually it isn't good when your life looks like one of my poems...)

[Ariel]

I really enjoyed your poem FallenStars!

Talon, I too hope things work out for you and your friend.

[FallenStars&Angels]

Thanks Ariel! glad it didn't make you run away screaming!!

[Ariel]

No, as a matter of fact, I'd like to see more of your poetry as would others I'm sure.

[Raye]

I'll second that!

[Neurolanis]

There's no such thing as normal,
When nothing's what it seems.

Awesome!

I enjoyed this poem, FallenStars&Angels.

[FallenStars&Angels]

thank you! (<that's me blushing by the way. I don't know why I'm rolling around like that, but I'm glad you like my poem!)

[aldan]

I thought that your point was well-made. I just was wondering about the following lines' imagery.

"The rings are dented; tarnished,
But perfect in your dreams,"

Perhaps you could instead say "The rings are warped and tarnished" instead on the first of the two lines. It would flow a little better and you'd avoid the image of a dented ring (which would be next to impossible to do if they are - as I think you intend - finger rings) and yet still accomplish the sense of lack of care (rust might be used instead of tarnish for that) and damage to the symbols of a relationship. Something to think about...

[FallenStars&Angels]

wow i'd always thought that line was awkward but i've been too lazy to fix it. that's a great suggestion aldan, thank you!