A flash

Not sure if you're on the right track? Post anything from character descriptions, snippets of text, or even whole chapters to get some advice.

Moderator: Bmat

Post Reply
User avatar
Site Regular
Site Regular
Posts: 274
Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 11:17 am
Location: Netherlands

A flash

Post by Havoc »

A flash of inspiration, a word-processor near and too much cola to be good for me. This is what happens to me when I'm not feeling like me. This I wrote as another sideshow to one of the many old projects (I lost count) that I never seem to finish. This time I just saw flashes of my story idea (to be honest I never completly worked it out, I only have a basic premise) in movie form. So here are some scenes:

Opening a village that’s being burned down, close ups of enemy soldiers armed with short spears and swords. They are mercilessly hacking down on villagers except for one, who seems to be grinning as he watches the slaughter. This is Verda. He directs the enemy soldiers to the back of the village and points at a young man of maybe 17 years old, the hero Lepaca.
Cut to
Indoor shot, a make-shift torture room in the village that’s still burning outside. Lepaca is being interrogated.

Interrogator: Where is it?
Lepaca: Where is what? AAAAARRGGHH!!!
Interrogator: Don’t play with us, we know there’s a research facility here. You’ve hidden the entrance. Last time I’ll ask you this. WHERE IS IT?
Lepaca: I don’t kn-AAARRGH Stop. Please stop.
Interrogator: If you want me to stop him you should tell me where the entrance is. NOW!
Lepaca: Tell you what? There’s no research facility.

Officer: You there, start searching the country side around the village. And send in the other prisoners.
Soldier: Aye sir (walks off)

Two women are ushered in, they are in shackles, their hair and clothes are ravaged and torn, they are bruised and show marks of the whip. One is Lepaca’s mother, the other his love.

Officer: You know these two? Hmm? What if I told you that the men outside have been ravaging these two for the last couple of hours?
Lepaca struggles against his restrains.
Officer: And they will keep it up unless you tell us where the entrance is.
Lepaca: No please don’t.
Officer: Then start talking.
Lepaca: There is no facility!
Officer: Take them back outside, tell the men they can have them.
The women plead for mercy, Lepaca closes his eyes and focusses himself, the air around him starts to shimmer and crackle.
Interrogator: Magic?
Officer: (to Verda) I thought you said he wasn’t trained yet!
Cut to wide shot, outside the village. The barn at the edge to the village explodes into a hunge fireball. A ring of fire spreads like magice across the entire village. We hear some of the soldiers scream in pain.
Cut to:
Close shot of Lepaca carrying the lifeless ravaged body of his girlfriend Daisy. The remains of the barn collapse behind him.
Open on a small ball of fire in the palm of a gloved hand. We move out and discover Lepaca, a few years older carefully studying the ball’s movement as he changes the position of his hand and fingers. For a second, Daisy’s face appears in the flames, when the face dissappears again Lepaca makes a fist and the ball dissappears.
In the background we hear a spectacle announcer addressing a big audience.
Announcer: Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, this will be the last fight in this year’s tournament. The finals, for the championship title. The final magical battle between two outstanding mages. And just for this one time, our good Overlord has promised an extra bonus for the winner. So let’s not wait a moment longer, and call out our first contestant: LEPACA!!!!!

The crowd roars as the doors open and Lepaca enters an arena not unlike the Roman colliseum, only bigger.
Announcer: And his opponent, VERDA MANIKA!!!
The crowd roars again as Verda enteres the arena from the opposite side.
Announcer: Gentlemen, you may start when ready.
The announcer leaves the arena simply by sinking through the ground.

Lepaca and Verda circle eachother, Verda holds his hands behind is back, a quick shot from behind reveals two fireballs in his hands growing rapidly. Lepaca’s hands are by his sides, but the air around him is wavering a bit, the dust trembles around him.
Lepaca: You have some nerve.
Verda: Do I?
Lepaca: Why’d you sell us out? Why’d you lie?
Verda: Who said I did? Did you think it a coincidence that two boys in the same village born around the same time both develop well with magic. Together, you and I are stronger then the strongest mages coven in the whole world. Coincidence?
Lepaca: What are you saying?
Verda: I’m saying that we are the result of the magical experimentation. Think about it, a remote village, kept secret from both warring nations, two powerful mages are born there and around their tenth birthday suddenly a travelling mage comes by to teach them how to controll their powers? Honestly, not even you would believe that.
Small rocks and pebbles start rising around Lepaca, their seem to focus next to him, on both sides.
Lepaca: Is that why you did it? Is that why you lead the Fettyrians to us? Is that why you told them that I was in control.
Verda: You think too small. I set them on you, to see how strong you were, and if you were too strong already eliminate you. My only real rival. But you proved stronger then I could have guessed.
Lepaca: You’ll pay for what they did to Daisy.
Verda: Whatever man.

The fight begins, the rocks that had been moving to Lepaca band together to form a creature of stone, it growls in Verda’s direction and begins to charge him. Verda flings one hand forward, shooting the fireball in his palm against the creature’s head which. It slows down only for a second before Verda flings his other fireball, this time at Lepaca.
Lepaca watched the ball approach with little interest, and sees it hit against another stone creature that formed right before him to catch the flame.
The two creatures shake off their flames and start charging Verda again.
Verda takes a few steps back, caught off guard by the second creature appearing. But he quickly recaptures his composure and in a quick movement kneels and hits the ground with his fist. A shockwave, made clear by sand and dust shooting up heads straight for the first creature, which then explodes. Rock-debris hits magical shields that protect the crowd. They go wild.
From his kneeled position, Verda jumps up and into the air, only just evading the second beast which charges straight against a wall after which it falls apart.
Lepaca is still standing at the same place, but now we see there are three big rifts in the air near him and small black winged creatures the size off squirrels come fly out in high speed. A group of maybe a dozen shoot straight from the rifts towards Verda, behind them the rifts close again. Verda tries to fight them off midair but it’s not very effective due to the imps small size. He manages to let about half of them explode into flame when he himself is caught in a big ball of flame. Verda falls to the ground, badly burned, we see Lepaca still with his arm outstretched from hurling his own ball of fire. He watches as Healers rush to Verda, then turns and exits the arena. The crowd yells his name.

A shot of a cloud formation above the city as seen from a window. The clouds seem to change, seem to be shaped and for a second, Daisy’s faces appears and immediately vanishes. We pull back and see Lepaca looking up to the cloud. He looks at his hands inquisitively as we start hearing some-one talk in the background… it’s faint, Lepaca hasn’t been listening.

Overlord: …. And therefore I need the best of the best people in my lands to accomplish this task. And you, dear Lepaca, are needed to make the entire operation a success.
Lepaca: I’m not interested in success.
Overlord: Once success has been achieved we will, of course, reward you generously.
Lepaca: I don’t care about rewards.
Overlord: (oblivious of Lepaca) Besides enough Gold to last you two lifetimes, you will be knighted, honoured, the works. A high position within my government awaits you, dear Lepaca. What do you say?
Lepaca: (turns around to face te Overlord) No.
Overlord: No?
Lepaca: You heard me. I see no reason to stick my neck out.
Overlord: But the Gold…
Lepaca: Don’t care.
Overlord: The fame….
L: Don’t care.
O: The power.
L: Got enough of that already, look at what it brought me.
O: But…
L: You’re my Overlord, that’s enough.

Cut to the doors to the throne room. We see two guards standing ready in the hallway as the doors seem to open of their own accord. On the other side we see Lepaca walking to the door with the Overlord in the background. Once through the doors they close behind Lepaca, neither of the guards seem impressed.
It's the pacing mate.... PACING!!!

User avatar
Casual Poster
Casual Poster
Posts: 185
Joined: Fri Mar 03, 2006 5:46 pm
Location: NZ

Post by SchoolTheOld »

I find your fight scene a very interesting realization of the fire versus earth battles in video/card games. I always find myself wanting to try and visualize these battles with minimal success.

I found it a bit trying for me to accept that the two random women picked out of the crowd were your hero's mother and lover...but I suppose it makes sense if Verda had been planning the attack specifically to test Lepaca.

I would like to see a little bit more bare emotion here...it seems a bit flat to me. Maybe it's just the script format?

All in all though, I quite enjoyed it :)

User avatar
Site Regular
Site Regular
Posts: 274
Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 11:17 am
Location: Netherlands

Post by Havoc »

Yeah, the card battle thing.............. not at all in my mind.

The two women were not randomly picked.

Read any script that feels full of emotion. Emotions should be the task of the actors, this is just the bare basics of what happens.
It's the pacing mate.... PACING!!!

User avatar
Artisan Wordsmith
Artisan Wordsmith
Posts: 3886
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 11:46 am
Location: Ohio, right now...

Post by aldan »


In a novel, you can be descriptive (though it's a weak device, you can do it) by saying that a person is this way. However, just as with the better novel writers, it's much better to SHOW that the person's that way, and to show WHY that is so. It means that not everyone will "get it" but if you want to write for an audience of 4 year olds, then you can, and not have stuff like that in there to confuse them.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain

User avatar
Resident Author
Resident Author
Posts: 9530
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 5:05 pm
Location: Rhode Island,U.S.A

Post by Ariel »

I really enjoyed this, it had me at the edge of my seat. One thing I couldn't get used to though, was the name Daisy. All I could think of was Daisy Duke and it distracted from the otherwise exiting story.

User avatar
Bread Butterbeard
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 939
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2005 6:35 am
Location: Haunting the ruins of Applegate

Post by Bread Butterbeard »

I would love to see more of this, What you have kept me intrested and on the edge of my seay so to speak, I think you did a great job!

User avatar
Site Regular
Site Regular
Posts: 274
Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 11:17 am
Location: Netherlands

Post by Havoc »

It's odd. It's like I can see the characters, I know them. Through and through, they are mine, part of me. The story too, seems somehow familiar and I keep having thoughts and occurances about how the story could develop (though, apart from the the characters it doesn't seem very coherent).

I want to write more, but whenever I get a note-pad, or a pen, or a cassete-recorder, or a typewriter, or computer or whatever to record what I'm thinking, I draw a blank. I've got a world developed... more or less, same story.. whenever I want to make it concrete and jot it down, I black out.

Just every once in a while something like this comes out.

Like the face of daisy (sorry ariel.... it was a real-life friend of mine whom I wanted to honour thus) appearing in the ball of flame and the cloud. I just knew that the main character lepaca would be haunted by the events of his youth. This seemed like the perfect way, he keeps seeing her, he almost subconsciously creates her visage. He's not aware of it, and he doesn't know how he does it, but he shapes the cloud to look like her for just a second. And he is reminded time and time again, that the time with her was fleeting like the image is gone within a second. I realised this within a second, wrote it down and it works.... I'm amazed myself.
It's the pacing mate.... PACING!!!

Post Reply