Repost – Ladies - Please help!

Not sure if you're on the right track? Post anything from character descriptions, snippets of text, or even whole chapters to get some advice.

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MainComputer
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Repost – Ladies - Please help!

Post by MainComputer »

Here goes again then… hopefully it’s easier to read now.

This is an extract from a much bigger piece, but it stands alone in so far as it has no prequel or follow up. The characters from the larger piece are playing a virtual game together in this "short story" which is loosely based on the Greek Gods (comments on this are also welcomed).

In short, I'm very, very unhappy with this as it stands. I wanted it to be much more imaginative.

I’ve been told repeatedly that its most unappealing to women, whilst men don’t seem to mind it (some even like it). So why am I failing to reach female readers?

Please give me any pointers or suggestions you feel you can. Stylistically, I'm not achieving much, and I need more colour and punch.

Stay away however, from any grammatical or structural comments, as I play with my text repeatedly and this would not be helpful at this point.

Please help!!! I've dried-up on this :(

I'm more than willing to trade my time with you to help you with your own projects if my style at all suits you.

Here goes...

**************

GRAIKHOS

Moose, the Raincoated Dreamboat, had the chair. He always had the chair.

‘You are correct to question the validity of this information Llama. We would be fools to follow any knowledge blindly, and risk falling for any trickery of the Dreaded Massive. I have received this information from several different powers however, each one independent, and some of them actually trustworthy. And all of this information is confirmed of course, by my latest prisoners.’

Enthroned next to Moose in the grand Hall of the Heroes, was Lady Peacock, the Heroin Eye-Swarm, and at each side of the couple sat an enormous, amazingly ornate, golden cage. Slumped in each cage was a diminutive white-blue coloured man-like being, with several spiked horns protruding from its squat head and an extraordinarily long tail with a big ball of fluff on its end. So big were the cages, and so tiny were their prisoners, that it was a wonder they couldn’t simply walk through the bars and away.

‘Well, yes…’ said Llama, ‘they don’t seem like the most powerful Dreaded Massive ever, do they?’

‘Obviously, you have never met one in battle,’ bragged Moose. ‘They may not be Massive in stature, but they are Dreadfully Massive in ability. These two, have the ability of future and past sight.’

‘The ability of past sight – like, how is that useful exactly man?’ asked Llama, with a sardonic grin.

‘The past of anything can be seen by it - that is how it is useful to us, Llama-boy. And, they are both under my control now.’

‘But if they had the ability of these sights…’ Llama asked, ‘then why didn’t they see you coming for them?’

‘I have many powers that you are unaware of Llama – that is why I lead this group, and not you. Now, to business: Dreaded Massive – tell everyone here what you told me.’

The two caged Dreaded Massives stood mechanically in response to Moose’s command.

‘I am Before, bondservant of Moose, Raincoated Dreamboat, I see everything what has happened. The Dreaded Massive have planned an attack on the Valley of the Heroes, they intend to attack tomorrow.’ Its voice was monotone, without feeling.

‘I am After, bondservant of Moose, Raincoated Dreamboat, I see everything what will happen. The Dreaded Massive will attack the Valley of the Heroes tomorrow, and all will be destroyed,’ said the other Dreaded Massive, equally plainly and matter-of-fact.

‘So, we all know it for true then – the Dreaded Massive begin their attack,’ Moose announced to the room. ‘We must undertake a preliminary attack on the Dreaded Massive today, within the hour, and crush the enemy before they begin their onslaught.’

‘Surprisingly, I agree with my husbands words,’ added Lady Peacock with more than a hint of bitterness. ‘In this matter it seems clear to me that he is correct. But perhaps we should consult The Minister first, and wait for the others to arrive.’

‘No!’ Moose bellowed. ‘There is no need to involve The Minister in this, it is below him. We shall take care of this without his consult or his aid, and we shall begin immediately. I shall leave word for any others to join us as they can, and we should set off immediately.’

‘I agree,’ said Deer, ‘we have been suspicious of the intentions of the Dreaded Massive to take control of our valley for many ages. It begins now. We must hunt down the Dreaded Massive and bring an end to any troubles today.’

‘I don’t know,’ said Llama, shaking his head, ‘I just don’t know. This all seems very…’

‘Do you question my authority and wisdom on this matter Llama?’

‘No,’ Llama quickly backtracked, not wishing to suffer the wrath of Moose, ‘it’s just that… Well, we need the voices of the others first. Where’s The Swan?’

As if summoned, The Swan, Afro Enchantress, flew into the great hall through one its highest windows, almost two hundred feet above the gathered Heroes, amongst the delicately carved oak rafters and the detailed mosaic panels that no one but their creators would ever enjoy. Swan swooped down and came to land gracefully in front of Moose. Moose received a kick in the ankle from Lady Peacock for his gawping at her shapely naked body.

‘I bring terrible news,’ The Swan seemed distressed.

That moment, the huge hall began rumbling, then trembling and shaking, and then the huge entrance doors exploded inwards as The Elephant, Rock Behemoth, ran through and to the centre of the hall and the side of his wife, The Swan. He was plastered with fresh cuts and developing bruises.

Moose observed the splintered remains of the saberwood doors and the smashed diamond-guilt floor tiles where The Elephant had stomped with a look of desperation and defeat.

‘The Dreaded Massive…’ Elephant gasped, trying to catch his breath ‘…attacked Fire Mountain… brought it crumbling… on my head… had to… dig out…’

‘It begins!’ bawled Moose. ‘They are trying to weaken us already, in preparation for tomorrow. We must attack immediately!’

‘Att-aaaaack!’ a voice screeched from the open doorway. ‘Oooo, sorry I’m late. Who are we attacking then?’

All the eyes in the room turned despondently to the remains of the door to greet the arrival of Fox, Vindicator Daemon. Fox stood there, slowly rocking from side to side, surrounded by four of his Wild Women.

‘You’re pissed,’ accused Deer.

‘Pissed? Pissed?!? Me-e? Of course I’m bloody pissed! Comes with the job description. I’m Fox, Vindicator Daemon. Vin-di-ca-tor. Not the bloody Sober-ator. Not as sharp as we used to be eh, Deer? And you may be a virgin, but you’re always guaranteed a good time when I’m around sweetheart.’

Fox winked at The Deer, sending a relentless wave of orgasms shooting through her body, rendering her speechless and weak-kneed. Her eyes slid upwards as the muscles in her face abandoned their work, letting everything slide downhill.

‘Fox, be serious for a moment if you can,’ Lady Peacock admonished, ‘pressing business is at hand. Loose, tell Vindicator what is afoot.’

‘Afoot,’ blurted Fox, waving his leg around wildly, ‘is what is on the end of aleg.’

Moose was angry at this show of disrespect, but couldn’t help but snigger; Fox brought with him an irresistible jovial atmosphere to everywhere he went, it was an unavoidable part of the alcoholic aura that surrounded him.

Llama waited for a moment, giving Moose a chance to fight back the intoxicating effects of Fox, but with no sign of sobriety, he decided to take control.

‘The Dreaded Massive, it seems, are planning our destruction tomorrow. If we are to follow Moose’s wisdom, then he will have us believe we must attack them today.’

‘They destroyed Fire Mountain,’ said The Elephant.

‘He barely escaped alive,’ cooed The Swan, who had already set about tending to The Elephant’s many wounds.

‘We must hunt them all down, without hesitation,’ The Deer declared, now recovered from her enforced pleasure.

‘Well, that doesn’t sound like much fun,’ said Fox.

‘Fun doesn’t come into it,’ chastised The Deer, ‘this is war.’

‘War, already you start with war? Surely we should be considering the suspicious nature of…’

‘There’s nothing suspicious about Fire Mountain being destroyed Llama, we need to stop this uprising before it starts. I’ll squish and squash every one of them,’ The Elephant grumbled, stomping from foot-to-foot and knocking his attentive Swan spinning across the floor, legs akimbo. Moose received another kick in the shin for his gawping.

‘What uprising?’ slurred Fox, but he was ignored as always.

‘But can we be sure that…’

‘There’s nothing more we need to be sure of Fox,’ said The Swan, standing again, ‘everything is clear.’

‘My brother, The Crow, would know if these two Dreaded Massive were lying, he would unleash his righteous light upon them if they were’ Deer explained, ‘and so would Moose know himself.’

‘Which two Dreaded Massive?... Ah, those two Dreaded Massive.’ Fox said to himself. ‘Bit small aren’t they?’

‘And Fire Mountain…’

‘Silence!’ barked Moose, gaining a rare glance of approval from his wife for his show of authority. When all eyes were upon him, he began, ‘We attack within the hour, and nothing more shall be said on the matter. We shall split into three groups…’


* * *


Moose, Raincoated Dreamboat; The Swan, Afro Enchantress; and Llama, Harambawhanhumalula Syrinx (accompanied by three of his Nymphomaniacs) took the northern approach towards the Realm of the Dreaded Massive. Moose and The Swan had flown as far as they could, encountering and slaying three acid-glass dragons on their way, but had to go on foot from the Degara Swamp to the Forest of Dreams, or they would risk raising the attentions of the Eagle Women around these parts. The stinking swaps they stood amongst consisted of a maze of pathways leading through pools and lakes of murky water so deep, it was said you could dive to the other side of the universe through them.

‘She doesn’t suspect a thing, my dear, you should not be concerned,’ Moose was saying to Swan.

Moose he had donned his finest raincoat and grabbed his largest umbrella when he’d left the hall. The cloud floating above his head that fed his powers and constantly followed Moose around was a dark, angry grey and was pelting down heavy droplets on him.

‘But I saw the way she looked at you when you announced I should be in your group Moosey. You should be more careful,’ The Swan pleaded, ‘putting The Elephant and Lady Peacock together is also a dangerous, thoughtless move. Lady Peacock may raise suspicions in The Elephant.’

‘I have no fear of your ugly Elephant.’

‘I wish you wouldn’t talk of him in that way. Elephant may be cursed, as we all are, but he is kind and peace loving, and I will always hold him dear in my heart. He is brilliant. I will not see his heart broken for the price of our simple pleasures. And he is also dangerous my beautiful Moose, and powerful. I wouldn’t want to raise his anger, and more importantly – I wouldn’t want to risk what we share by having him know.’

‘My love, my beautiful swan,’ Moose declared, drawing The Swan close, ‘nothing shall interfere with our desires.’

‘Not now,’ Swan pushed him away, ‘Llama is coming.’

Moose starred at his beauty for a luscious moment, letting her naked black skin, deep green eyes and huge white afro warm his damp heart. Then he turned his eyes to the horizon, where he could see a tiny dot in the far distance. In a blink of an eye, and with a rush of air, the dot became Llama, standing proud before them. The half-man half-llama had no need to find the paths across the swamp; he ran so fast he barely touched the water’s surface.

‘Ho!’ hailed Llama, ‘What news?’

‘No news,’ Moose replied, ‘so far all is quiet. Where are your Nymphomaniacs?’

‘I managed to lose them at the edge of the valley, but they will catch up soon enough I fear.’

‘Good, we may need them as a diversion to seduce any Dreaded Massive we encounter.’

‘Great, yes, wonderful,’ Llama sighed, ‘rub it in why don’t you? The power to arouse passion in anything but me – in a stinking pig rather than me. Yes, I shall be happy to watch my wives seduce the enemy, Moose.’

‘Poor, poor, Pipes,’ The Swan cooed, ‘we all have our crosses to bear. Perhaps one day you will lift the curse and your women will be yours again…’

‘…and in the mean time, perhaps someone else could warm my bed at night…’ Llama said suggestively.

‘Stop this nonsense at once!’ Moose demanded. ‘On to the forest with haste. We have seen nothing of the Dreaded Massive so far, so if they are planning an attack for the morrow, they must be encamped throughout the forest.’

‘I shall see you there,’ bleated Llama, and whizzed off at speed.


The Forest of Dreams was filled with trees so wide and so high, that each one was practically a planet in its own right. No one had ever heard of anyone who had reached the top of the canopy, just of people who had tried, and had come back to solid earth transformed into their own worst nightmares, or had fizzled off into non-existence, to become their own wildest dreams, or so the legends told.

As Moose and The Swan entered the dark shadow of the Forest of Dreams, they met a befuddled Llama.

‘There is no danger here,’ Llama informed them, ‘I have spoken with the forest creatures, and they have seen no threats for many weeks, and pay no heed to any Dreaded Massive they do encounter. You are either mislead, oh wise Moose, or have been out and out tricked.’

‘I don’t understand, how can this be?’

‘Listen to the silence - absolute silence throughout the forest. There is no danger here…’ Rain drops falling gently over the three of them from Moose’s cloud was the only noise breaking the quiet around them. ‘Where did you get those two caged Dreaded Massive from exactly Moose?’

‘They speak the truth, damn you,’ Moose growled defensively, ‘if there is any trickery going on, it is here, now - I command you to search the entire forest.’

Llama considered this lunacy.

‘I see, I see… and leave you and The Swan here unaccompanied, is that it?’

‘How could you think such a thing?’ The Swan batted her eyelids innocently towards Llama.

‘Moose, Moose, beautiful Moose!’

‘Moose, Moose, wonderful Moose!’

‘Moose, Moose, miraculous Moose!’
The three Nymphomaniacs arrived into the forest, skipping and dancing all the way.

‘Oh please,’ pleaded Llama, turning from his wives, ‘won’t you just let me alone?’

‘Llama, ooo-ooo, yes he wants us re-a-lly.’

‘Llama, ahh-ahh, but he cannot ha-a-ve us.’

‘Llama, raa-raa, wants us but we want the Moose!’

‘Hang on – I get it now – so that’s your plan. You want my Nymphomaniacs too! An orgy! All this deception for the sake of your own libido! Well have my women. Dance your wicked dance with them Moosey...’

‘No, no, no…’ Moose appealed, but it was too late. Pipes snapped his fingers and Moose began to dance by his command. Moose could not dance to save his life however, and looked like The Penguin, the Underpanted Vanquisher, with constipation. The three light-footed Nymphomaniacs joined him in a jig regardless, sweeping him off his feet and around and around in the dance, causing him to drop his oversized umbrella.

‘Moosey, you naughty, naughty boy,’ The Swan reprimanded playfully, waving her finger at him, ‘and here was I with no idea of your wicked plan…’

‘No, no, no…’ Moose appealed again, but to no avail, he was already short of breath and was being whisked endlessly to and fro between the women.

‘Perhaps,’ The Swan said to Llama suggestively, ‘Moose should be punished by being made to watch us make passionate love while he dances?’

‘Swan, you are pure evil… I thought you’d never ask… What’s that noise?...’


* * *


The dozen eyes returned from the encampment like a swarm of silent bees, and once home, continued their endless dance in front of the otherwise blind face of Lady Peacock, Heroin Eye-Swarm.

‘There are five Dreaded Massive by the fire, six more in the tents, and a further four scavenging,’ the Lady reported.

Their Heroic team of four had taken the southern route to the Forest of Dreams, fighting their way through the Moss Trolls of the Southern Downs and the Rampires of the Deadlands, and finally arriving to the forest, where they had quickly found an encampment of Dreaded Massive.

‘Are you sure though Lady Peacock? Perhaps Moose does have eyes for The Swan, but my precious Swan would never look at another Hero, let alone dote one in favour of me. Perhaps it is no more than…’

‘Not now I say Elephant; now is not the time, we shall continue this…’

‘…Later, yes, but all I am saying is that…’

‘Silence,’ Lady Peacock hushed, ‘The Deer returns.’

‘The trap is laid,’ The Deer, Purple-Veined Huntress reported, crouching to join the other three overlooking the encampment. ‘I have to say – Llama’s words earlier are beginning to take hold in my thoughts. These hardly seem like worthy opponents, and I see no preparations for battle in this camp.’

‘We have to believe Moose in this matter,’ Lady Peacock said, ‘no matter how painful that is for some of us. Moose has no reason to mislead us in this matter, and he tells of strange powers these creatures have. The power to beguile and confuse; powers of brightness, intelligence, judgement, strength, la, la, la. We must be swift, and give them as little time to retaliate as possible.’

‘Very well, I am ready.’

‘Good. Elephant?’

‘I’ll crush them like they did my Fire Mountain.’

‘Crow?’

Crow, Dark Avenger, nodded.

‘When you are ready then Crow…’

The Crow stood in silence, his long black cape catching the wind and billowing around him. He drew his bow, notched an arrow, and let three missiles fly in rapid succession. Then, quick as a glint, taking a single step backwards he launched himself over the verge and down into the encampment before the arrows had even struck their prey. His presence was noticed by the Dreaded Massive immediately, as three of their number were felled by arrows. The Crow flew around the camp and the remaining miniscule Dreaded Massive began screaming in terror and gathering for protection.

‘We beseech you, we beseech you,’ they cried, ‘please have mercy Hero Crow! Have mercy, we mean you no harm.’

‘They were intended to beleaguer and pursue Crow, this makes no coherence, my trap is rendered inefficacious…’

‘No bother,’ said The Elephant, standing and charging down the embankment with a mighty battle cry.

Lady Peacock and The Deer looked on as The Elephant chased the Dreaded Massive about their encampment, stomping on them like ants when he could, as The Crow swooped around, herding them towards the centre of the camp and preventing their escape. The Elephant’s accusations boomed out as he dolled out his retribution, but his shouts did not drown out the Dreaded Massive’s denials, and their shrill pleads for mercy.

‘Something here is indeed not right,’ Lady Peacock hissed.

‘Retreat!’ a voice from amongst the trees to the north cried, ‘We have teen bricked! Retreat!’

Without wasting a moment, Lady Peacock and The Deer stood and charged down the embankment to see what was afoot. As they ran down, Moose burst into the north of the clearing, followed closely by his cloud. He charged straight through the violent scene that The Elephant and The Crow were directing, and then away south, back into the forest, screaming warnings all the way. The Elephant had stopped his attack when Lady Peacock and The Deer reached him, and the few remaining Dreaded Massive scattered into the forest as The Crow came to rest too.

‘What was that?’ The Elephant asked.

‘That, was my husband,’ Lady Peacock sighed.

Moose’s screams began to fade as he built distance between them, but then they began to build in volume again as he apparently began returning.

‘Eagle Women! We have been tricked by the Eagle Women! They’re all around!’

‘Prepare yourself for battle,’ Lady Peacock warned.


* * *


‘*beep*,’ said Fox, arriving in the clearing, ‘this doesn’t look good.’
‘This doesn’t look good at all.’

‘This looks terrible.’

‘Everything, will, be, fiiine!’

‘Fox will triumph!’ the Wild Women around Fox said.

Then, [word edit. Bmat]’ the fourth Wild Woman shouted suddenly, a look of surprised embarrassment on her face. Fox raised a suspicious eye towards her.

The clearing ahead of Fox and his Women contained the results of an incredibly bloody carnage. Fox recognised various parts of his Hero allies’ bodies amongst the mess. Here, the head of The Elephant, there, a wing of The Crow, and spread amongst them a spattering of squished Dreaded Massive.

‘Now, I’m pissed,’ Fox announced, throwing the empty bottle of Vindication in his hand to the floor. It was immediately replaced by a fresh bottle by one of the Wild Women. ‘I’m damn angry too. Come Wild Women, revenge will be ours.’

With a flourish, and a slight wobble, Fox marched through the battlefield and towards the Realm of the Dreaded Massive.

The Fox’s journey through the Vanishing Planes and the Forest of Dreams had been uneventful as far as he was concerned. On approaching the forest, he had been attacked by a squadron of Eagle Women, but they were only women after all, and defenceless against his powers of ecstasy. Each one of them had come crashing from the sky like a broken kite, screeching in cross-eyed pleasure. Once in the forest itself, a Troygen had crossed the path of Fox, but it too had been no bother, and had been sent away screaming and flailing. Men, after all, were only men, and The Vindicator could send them insane on a whim. Yes, it had been a long, slow and uneventful walk from the hall and the Valley of the Heroes, and it had taken many bottles of Vindication to fuel him here, so his powers were flush. He was unstoppable, to all but the sexless.

In no time at all, Fox crossed the remainder of the forest, and arrived at the gates to the Realm of the Massive. A ravine lay between the forest and the gates, but the forest side was higher, so it afforded Fox a good observation point of the entrance without being spotted. The gates were busy with a throng of Dreaded Massive passing in and out through tiny sub-doors, cut into the base of the huge double gates. What seemed like Dreaded Massive men and Dreaded Massive women, and indeed Dreaded Massive children, were busying themselves with various menial tasks. Foraged fruits and nuts were being transported across a rope bridge from the forest and into their realm; Dreaded Massive women were descending rope ladders to the ravine bottom, with baskets of clothes to be washed, others were returning home with clean garments; and children were everywhere, clapping and dancing and laughing.

‘Strange – this doesn’t look like a people preparing for attack.’

‘Looks calm and peaceful.’

‘There’s nothing to worry from here.’

‘The nasty Dreaded Massive are un-pre-paaared!’

‘Revenge will be swift, and easy!... Piss flaps!’

Fox could easily overwhelm these folk. He would have them screaming in terror and moaning in ecstasy in a second, everyone of them, and his Wild Women would finish them off viciously, as was their nature. There was dispute amongst the Women however, and there was dispute within himself.

‘I must consult The Minister before I progress.’

‘Yes, The Minister.’

‘He will know.’

‘He will know nahh-thiiing.’

‘Stupid Minister… Goldenshowers!’

Fox knelt in the manor of prayer, and called upon the counsel of the Minister.

<Minister, Master of Ticks, I have reached a crossroads, and I know not which way to turn. Will you aid me in this matter?>

<I will always aid you my son, for you are of my children.>

<Thank you Father.>

<What troubles you?>

<It seems the Dreaded Massive plan to overrun the Heroes, and take the Valley for their own. They have already slain my allies, and revenge must occur.>

<Then your decision is made, and your actions are clear.>

<But Minister, I have arrived at the home of the enemy, and all is calm and peaceful and merry. What kind of deceit is this? This seems no place of plot and intrigue.>

<You can see all you need, if you look close enough, and your decision will be made.>

<I can see the death of my friends, I can see the death of my enemies, but the path between them is unclear.>

<Look further then, look deeper, look beyond.>

<Beyond what? Beyond the gate? But if I go there my decision is made… Minister?... Minister?... Father?...>

He was gone.

‘I need to meditate,’ Fox told his women.

‘Yes, meditate.’

‘Rest and think.’

‘There’s nooo time to rest.’

‘Think about revenge!... Soapytitwank!’

Fox closed his eyes, and searched around in the darkness for answers. He concentrated, as he assumed his father had meant, on the gate to the Realm of the Dreaded Massive and what was beyond it. If he could see beyond that gate, he would see his future made.

In time, the gate came. It was not the same gate, it was a thousand times bigger, but it meant the same thing, and held behind it the same answers. Vindicator pushed with his mind, but the enormous gate would not budge. He pushed again, but to no avail, the force was insurmountable. Then, the words of the Minister came to mind, and The Vindicator stopped trying to push through, but rather see through. To see beyond. Beyond was a hard place to imagine however, it seemed further than thought alone could reach, but eventually, with a lack of concentrated effort, a thoughtless mind, and a dissolution of self, the gates began to fade.

At first, there was blackness. Then there were faces. Screaming, tortured, faces. Faces he knew, faces he’d forgotten, and faces he’d need never know. Amongst them, one shone in agony and pain brighter than the rest. This face was dripping in blood, and when he glanced down to his thought-hands, so were they. Not his blood, but hers; the face that was screaming his name in agony. The face of The Swan.
---------------------------------
Be brave - hurt me.

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aldan
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Post by aldan »

Okay, now, I'm a guy, yes, that's right, a guy, a male, and a heterosexual one, too, but beyond that, I grew up with only sisters, and because of that, I seem to have gained a bit of insight as far as what sorts of things that many 'girls' like and dislike.

First of all, you have males being the focus of the story, with Llama and Moose, as well as Fox toward the end of it. Yes, there were female characters, and it seemed that there were maybe a touch more of them than guys. However, because the focus was on guys and so much of the story was from a guy's perspective, it alone would turn many girls off to it, but that perspective is very juvenile in many ways, with all of the sexual references and whatnot, which makes it even worse for them.

Speaking of sexual references, the nymphos as well as Fox's girls acted like stereotypical ideas of what guys are looking for in a girl, so that would likely turn off the interest for the girls before they got to the end of the story. Furthermore, the terms you use in it are ones that no girl or woman that I've known would ever consider using, and that means that there's no 'connection' with the story.

Third is the very physical sort of story it is... most girls I've known are more into emotional and mental rather than physical, especially when it's violence. The only emotion invested in your violence is rage, and because rage isn't a huge one for most females (anger, yes, but rage is no), even that emotion is wasted because it's primarily a male one.

As for the story itself, it took a bit for me to get into it, since the style is so very sharply edged, which is not my favorite style of writing to read. Also, there was only one character I could connect with at all, and that was Llama, but he really was a weak character, since he'd not stand his ground to make sure that what he suspects won't come to pass... so that was what caused problems for me. It improved a bit towards the end, but even there, it was with a character that you could hardly have gotten to know up until then.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain

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Post by Sherry »

I've only read half of this so far and as a woman and a fellow writer I can tell you why honestly it doesn't work well. The characters speak as if they are reading a script. Also you're women don't really seem like women at all. Up until the orgasm part I had no idea that The Deer was even a woman. And that was another thing. Most men can't even get a woman off when in an intimate situation. There's a reason why men think women fake it a lot. It's laughable to most women that a situation like the one involving the orgasm would even happen. It's hard to take that seriously. Also I would like to see more vivid imagery in this piece. Here's how I would rewrite part of this:


Moose, the Raincoated Dreamboat, had the chair. He always had the chair. "You are correct to question the validity of this information Llama. We would be fools to follow any knowledge blindly, and risk falling for the trickery of the Dreaded Massive. I have received this information from several different powers and all of it is confirmed of course by my latest prisoners."

Enthroned next to Moose in the grand Hall of the Heroes, was Lady Peacock, the Heroin Eye-Swarm. (Give a description of Lady Peacock. Don't do it for the other characters or it will be a bit much. Most women would relate more if we knew the type of woman that someone like Moose would marry. Then start with the Dreaded Massive in a seperate paragraph.)

At each side of the couple sat an enormous, amazingly ornate, golden cage. Slumped in each cage was a diminutive man-like being. Their skin was whitesh-blue, they had several spiked horns protruding from their squat head, and an extraordinarily long tail with a big ball of fluff on its end. So big were the cages, and so tiny were the prisoners; it was a wonder they couldn’t simply walk through the bars and away.

"They don’t seem like the most powerful Dreaded Massive ever, do they," Llama said, eyeing the two small creatures.

"Obviously, you have never met one in battle," bragged Moose. "They may not be massive in stature, but they are dreadfully massive in ability. These two have the ability of future and past sight."

"How the hell is that useful?" asked Llama, grinning sardonically.

"You need ask, Llama-boy.?"

Moose's sarcasm irritated Llama, but he hid his emotions well. "But if they had the ability of these insights," Llama asked, "then why didn’t they see you coming for them?"

"I have many powers that you are unaware of Llama. This is why I lead the group, and not you." Moose's voice was filled with indignation. "Now, down to business. Dreaded Massive, tell everyone here what you have told me."

The two caged Dreaded Massives stood mechanically in response to Moose’s command.

"I am Before, bondservant of Moose, Raincoated Dreamboat, I see everything that has happened. The Dreaded Massive have planned an attack on the Valley of the Heroes." Its voice was monotonous and without feeling. (After tells of the date of the attack so I would leave it out of Before's statement)

"I am After, bondservant of Moose, Raincoated Dreamboat, I see everything that will happen. The Dreaded Massive will attack the Valley of the Heroes tomorrow, and all will be destroyed," said the other Dreaded Massive, equally plainly and matter-of-fact.

"Now we all know the truth." Moose made eye contact with each member in the room. "We must undertake a preliminary attack on the Dreaded Massive today, within the hour, and crush the enemy before they begin their onslaught."

"Surprisingly, I agree with my husbands words," added Lady Peacock with more than a hint of bitterness. "In this matter it seems clear to me that he is correct. But we should consult The Minister first, and wait for the others to arrive." (I've taken out the word "perhaps" because it is clear Lady Peacock and Moose don't always seem to agree and by adding in that word it seems as if she's looking for his approval. It seems out of character to me for her to want his approval.)

"No!" Moose bellowed. "There is no need to involve The Minister in this. We shall take care of this without his consult or his aid, and we shall begin immediately. I shall leave word for any others to join us as they can." (You've already stated that we shall begin immediately. There is no need to repeat it. Moose is a strong enough character. He doesn't need to repeat himself.)

"I agree," said Deer. Her voice was sweet, but strong. (You can change the description of her voice anyway you like. The point of doing this is to just simply show the reader that she is female.) "We have been suspicious of the Dreaded Massive's intentions to take control of our valley for far too long. It begins now. We must hunt down the Dreaded Massive and bring an end to our troubles today."

Anyway, I hope this helps a little and I hope you can see a difference in how just a few subtle changes can really make a difference in how the character speaks.
Last edited by Sherry on Sun Aug 13, 2006 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Sherry »

Oh, here's another thing to think about. Take this paragraph as an example.

Moose was angry at this show of disrespect, but couldn’t help but snigger; Fox brought with him an irresistible jovial atmosphere to everywhere he went, it was an unavoidable part of the alcoholic aura that surrounded him.

Some comments might seem better suited to other characters. This is how I see this as being more appropriate.

Lady Peacock was clearly angry at Fox's show of disrespect, but Moose was unable to control his snickering. Fox brought with him an irresistible jovial atmosphere to everywhere he went. It was an unavoidable part of the alcoholic aura that surrounded him.

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Post by clknaps »

<--- Female here.

I couldn't really get into your story, I'm sorry. Please don't take offense, I think it flowed well and was easy to read.
I didn't really identify with or "like" any of the characters you presented, and at times it seemed as though the conversation was taking place in a void, which no descriptions of the surrounding area.
The female characters, however, are all either shallow and pardon my French, complete whores, or nagging witches like Lady Peacock.
I was going to write more, but I think aldan has said it best in his post.
I hope I didn't hurt any feelings, just giving an opinion...CLK

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Post by Bmat »

I only had time to read part of it, but I was wondering if I could pick out where ladies didn't like it.

The second paragraph is a bit difficult to understand because of the complicated language. This has nothing to do with male or female preferences, though. It also does not have a hook- it doesn't catch my interest immediately.

Then there follows what, please excuse me, seems to be a boring conversation that the reader has no connection with.

I'd suggest making it pop with some action, and cut out some of the uninteresting dialogue.

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clknaps
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Post by clknaps »

Okay, so my job requires me to sit for 12 hours a day and think about things, so I've had a few more days to ponder this story.
My earlier post was too short and frankly a little too harsh, I apologize. Just telling you that I didn't like the women in your story wasn't enough, I need to tell you WHY.

First off, keep writing this. The very fact that your story kept popping into my mind as I crossed through the snow and ice of New Mexico, Texas and Oklahoma gives me an indication that there is at least something here that is catchy.

Now, onto the females. Motivation, motivation, motivation. What motivates you? It's far different that what motivates the average woman.

Lady Peacock- the only thing we know is that she likes to kick her husband in the leg a lot. Too shallow of a character, not enough information.

Deer- WHO? Yes, Deer, I think someone else already said this, but I didn't realize she was a woman until Fox popped in and snapped his fingers. In fact, Deer could be completely erased from the story and it would have little effect. We need to know more about her.

Now, onto Swan. What do we know about her? She's beautiful, she walks/flies around naked, she is cheating on her husband (Elephant) with the Moose, and she obviously loves her husband, or at the very least wants everyone to think so, since she went over to soothe his wounds when they first arrived.
The first question that came to my mind was, WHY is Swan cheating?
Well, why is Moose cheating? That's easy, because Swan said yes. But with Swan, the answer cannot be so simple, and yet the only answer you seem to hint at is sex.

I hate to give one of our coveted secrets out to you male-types (joking), but 99% of the time when a woman cheats it has nothing to do with sex.

Imagine a table with four legs. They are the four needs of every woman: physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. If one of those is not being met, the table is on shaky ground. Two, and it's on its side.
A woman needs her mate to fulfill all four of those needs and the mate does not, she wanders. I would even argue that if a mate fulfills everything but the physical, she is less likely to stray than if one of the other three are not met.
So, back to Swan, I ask again - why is she cheating? What need does she have that is not being met by Elephant? Is he abusive to her? Not from what we read, and yet, she cheats.

Now, at the point of the story where she is ready to hop into bed with Llama (the pan character) I completely lost interest in her. What exactly is her motivation for doing so? This seems completely unreal to me.
This cannot be a completely physical world you've created, where every creature is bound by the whims of his or her libido, because if that were the case then every man and woman in the story would want to be with Fox. *snap, presto, you get the point*

Which brings me to the my second troubling thought. Fox's "magic" is too powerful, why isn't he in charge? If he really holds dominion over every male and female, they why isn't he the one running the show?

I like the character of Fox, by the way, he adds some humor to the story and when he said "well now I'm really p*ssed," for some reason I heard it in a Welsh accent and it made me laugh.
Okay so my conscience is clear and now that I've said this maybe I can get some sleep. Cheers and keep writing! CLK
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Post by berry »

As a woman I’ve got to say it’s all a bit too ‘boys own adventure’ both male and females characters are stereotyped and a bit 2 dimensional. There are quite a lot of characters and so it may be hard to develop all of them but maybe you could concentrate on expanding a few of them. Once I had finished the piece I couldn’t tell you the main characteristics of any of them. Is moose shy, strong, indecisive? Is Lady Peacock funny, sly, scared? Their words didn’t give any idea of who they are.

I wasn’t engaged and I have been trying to work out why as I have read a lot of fantasy where the writer has clearly not met any women or hasn’t actually listened to or observed them in any way and they can still be entertaining and engaging. I would agree with much that Aldon said, except the rage part, oh boy are you wrong about that. Women express rage differently but don’t ever think it’s just a male thing. Actually there are no emotions that are specific to one sex, there are behaviours that may be observed more often in one than the other. This is exactly the sort of thing you need to know it you want to write a female character that women will connect to and in fact as men aren’t you tired of people telling you what you are supposed to be like?

Actually what I’ve found is that the sexual undertone is very playboy, the women are either sluts or nags. The men are virile, big and strong and seem to be able to make the women swoon just by being there. It all reminds me of sexual fantasy rather than the more battle for good and evil, swords and sorcery type fantasy. Actually that would be fine but if it’s going to be sexual fantasy it needs more actual sex and if it’s going to be t’other then it needs more fitting and realistic dialogue. Though it is fantasy the characters still need to be believable in their interactions with each other.

Traditionally it is women who are taught to please sexually and to use that power to gain an advantage, maybe your character Fox could be either female, hermophodite or even something that can morph? Just a thought.

Having read other pieces of your work I know that this isn’t something that happens in all your stories.

Berry
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